by R. Rodriguez
The lights were dim. The symphony was in a pit, just like in a concert or a Broadway show. And the church was adorned with candles. Hundreds and hundreds of candles. Its twinkling lights shining all around. I didn’t know what was going on, but I felt right at home. A profound sense of well being inundated my every fiber and as I kept following my little girl, I saw where she was leading me… to the altar. To where he was standing.
His back was to me still, but I could recognize his posture anywhere. When I thought his name in my head, he turned. Oh, what a sight he was. He looked thoroughly fresh. That was the only way to describe him. There was a luminescence to his skin. It must be the tan and the candlelight, as I appeared in the mirror, earlier.
“Here, she is …” the child’s whimsical voice announced me innocently to the people who were present. Everyone clapped in unison. I turned around and saw the looks of celebration on their faces. I now realized who they were. Mom and Dad, Jane, and the Granadases. Even Laura was there. Cody now met me to accompany me in the final trek. It didn’t enter my mind to wonder what Lucian was doing here. I knew. Somehow I knew. I was sure. He was here for me.
I was here for him. He was mine and I was his. He was here to prove it to the world. To keep the promise he had made to me in private so many years ago. In came rushing all the times together. The love between us. The deep bond that was forever. No going back, no transcending it. It was forever and we were here to seal the deal.
I walked slowly but purposely toward Lucian. As if no one else was watching me. As if there was no one there to witness my alluring gaze. He outstretched his steady hand and I placed my delicate hand into his. This is where I belonged. Here with Lucian.
The minister began to say practiced words. All touching, but irrelevant to us. Only our vows were important for us to hear and say to each other. Only the lifetime that we would spend together. Only my dreams that would come true from this day forward.
And then his voice broke through the stillness of my heart like a soothing balm.
“Grace. I’m yours. I met you unexpectedly. Our first encounter was shocking, to say the least.” His eyes glinted with the weight of our secret, but it remained just that.
“However, you have remained in my life since, and I in yours. I knew that I found something special that day. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect life than this one. Here with you, finally. Our bond transcends all the difficulties that have been placed before us. Our love was meant to be for eternity. It was a gift of fate that crossed our paths. Nothing is or ever will be as important as you for me, Grace. I accept you as my wife from here on forward happily.” Lucian professed his vows to me and I felt my heart swell with the same spirit that enwrapped his declarations.
“I am no longer afraid. The clouds are gone. You have been my rock. You hold all things that are perfect, that are whole. I was lucky to encounter you when I did. You were there just at the precise moment to accompany me down this road. I love you and cherish you. I consider myself lucky to have you and I happily accept you as my husband, as well, from here to eternity.”
Lucian’s beautiful smile beamed at me. An unearthly melody was played by the symphony while Lucian and I exchanged our rings and a golden binding rope was placed around us both as a symbol of our unity.
The melody finished and we were finally declared husband and wife. Lucian took my face tenderly in his hands and branded a kiss on my eager lips. The imprint of his warm kiss lingered on mine for a few tingling minutes as everyone congratulated us.
My heart swelled with heartfelt gratitude and overwhelming love for Lucian. I began to feel dizzy as I walked hand in hand with him down the aisle of the ancient stone church. I glanced at him to seek reassurance and I felt a cold sweat filming my skin. Lucian began to look concerned. A black hole started to encase me and I began to breathe shallowly.
“No, Lucian. No. I don’t want to leave you. I want to stay right here with you.” were the last words I managed to utter.
I tried to hold on to Lucian, but he slipped out of my hands. I slipped and slipped further into darkness. When I woke up, I was in a dark concert hall, placing my cello in its leather box. The other members of the symphony were doing the same. I wiped the light film of sweat from my brow. It was cold. It was a familiar reaction to an extenuating, but very enthralling concert. I was finally where I was supposed to be with my music. I had recognition and a permanent spot in one of the most reputable symphonies in the world. It required me to travel a lot and my mind was frankly at home.
I was overjoyed that I would get to go home and see my children. Cody and Sarah probably missed me. I needed to get there quickly. It was full of expectation at how they would receive me. Fortunately the flight home from Toronto was a short one. I jumped off the plane. I only had a carryon bag. My cello would be delivered to me personally at the next concert.
I grabbed a cab. I didn’t bother calling anyone to get me. I wanted to surprise them. To see the looks on their faces when I walked up the path to our house. I jumped eagerly out of the cab and dragged my carry-on behind me. I turned the key and walked inside the house, but was disappointed to see that it was empty and dark.
I flicked on the lights in the living room and looked around the room. It was spotlessly clean, but not as I remembered it. It was missing something. I decided to settle into my room. Maybe they were out to eat or something, I reasoned. I climbed the stairs and went to open my daughter’s closed door. I held the doorknob tightly as I saw that it wasn’t her room anymore. It stocked with office furniture and shelves of books lined the walls. Where had Sarah moved her stuff to? Maybe she had finally redecorated the back room she had recently been bargaining for. Maybe her dad had finally given in to her whim. That room was on the second floor, so I settled for going into my son’s room.
I turned and practically ran towards my son’s room. I tried the door, but it wouldn’t open. Good. It was locked as usual. Cody must’ve been on privacy mode. I was eager to sense his presence, nevertheless, so I searched the house for the key. I finally found the copies to our house keys. They were neatly hanging from a key ring in the kitchen, individually labeled. One even had a distinctive bow on it. That was probably Sarah’s doing. She loved to embellish everything.
I checked for messages on the answering machine, but since there were none, I returned to the task of opening my son’s room. I retrieved all of the keys on the key board and settled on the task of opening the stubborn door. I tried each key and the lock didn’t budge. That puzzled me. What was my family trying to keep from me? I couldn’t imagine what it could be.
Finally I decided to use the one with the giant bow on it. It unlatched the door easily. I practically threw the rest of the keys on the floor and unhinged the barrier to my son’s room.
I flicked on the light because the room didn’t look familiar in the shadows and almost yelped out loud at what I saw. Cody’s room wasn’t Cody’s room. Cody’s room was a baby’s room decorated with immaculate white furniture. Only the walls and the accent accessories provided some color to hint at the gender of the child that inhabited it, aqua blue and gray. I looked around the drawers and closet. I found that they were indeed all stocked up with boy’s clothing, but they were also full of a lot of unopened baby stuff. Then I saw the huge aqua bow on the crib behind me and understood. This was a nursery for a baby that was coming. For the baby that will bring the pitter patter of little feet back to our Empty Nest. A giant custom made card read.
Was this my house? Where was Sarah? Where was Cody? I had rushed home just to see them. I missed them so much.
“Grace!” Lucian’s voice startled me from the door of the nursery as I kept exploring the room for something familiar in Cody’s room.
“Lucian, thank God,” I sighed deeply. “Where are the kids’ things?”
“You weren’t supposed to see this, Grace!” he said. “Can’t I ever have the pleasure of surprising you?”
“Surprised I am, Lucian. What�
�s going on?”
“Maybe it’s best we speak in the morning. You obviously need rest.”
“Rest from what?! You better speak. This isn’t funny anymore, Lucian,” I warned with menacing eyes. “Are you guys playing a trick on me?”
“Come. Come to bed. We’ll talk about it in the morning.” He persuaded me to settle in for the night.
I grew hysterical as Lucian steered me to our bedroom. I felt the sense of loss of something. The loss of my children. I felt it as real as the steadiness of Lucian’s hands leading me away from the nursery. The pure anguish that I felt overtook my reason and I began to yell.
“Where are Cody and Sarah, Lucian?! Where are my kids?!” I sobbed, shaking uncontrollably. I was losing my reason. I felt myself losing touch with reality.
“You’re not supposed to see this far ahead. You’re not supposed to have these ill feelings. You’re fighting it,” Lucian reprimanded.
“Wake up. Wake up. Grace.” My eyes fluttered open and I felt a wave of disorientation as I gazed into Dr. Cummings peaceful face.
“You did very well, Grace.”
“I don’t understand.” I was stunned by the experience. “It felt so real.”
“You’re doing very well, Grace. This is only the beginning,” she assured.
“You’ll be fine in a few minutes. Lay down for a while longer. My assistant will take care of you.”
And that was that. I was left with the assistant who settled my nerves down and scheduled my next session. I didn’t know what to think of this one. I couldn’t understand how fantasizing about a perfect life with Lucian could make me better. Lucian was always at the receiving end of my good wishes because of what he meant to me. But Lucian wasn’t the solution to my problems. Lucian had to have his own life. His own story. He didn’t need a divorced woman with two children in tow. He deserved much better.
And this fantasy was so perfect that not even my children were there. That was inconceivable to me. How could my subconscious want to obliterate my children from my life? They were my whole reason for living.
I climbed the stairs, confused at what I had seen and what I had felt. An indescribable anger surged through me. Lucian. Lucian was the common denominator in the visions. Lucian had recommended me to that doctor. She wasn’t tapping into my subconscious. She was injecting fantasies into my brain encouraged by Lucian.
I caught a glimpse of him patiently waiting for me in his car. It was dark outside, already. Looked like the sun was going down which was crazy to me.
I climbed into the car like a robot and I let him chat me up, but I was on to him. I no longer trusted him. I knew there was something utterly wrong with my relationship with Lucian. Probably as damaging as the one I had with Dario.
I had the certainty that I had to end things with Lucian as I had done with Dario. Forget the security I felt with him. Forget that he was the shoulder I always cried on. Forget that I essentially needed him to subsist.
“I never knew of a therapy session that lasted that long,” I said suspiciously.
“Must’ve been very productive.”
“Mhm.” Was my answer. I rode the rest of the way in silence letting him think that I was too tired to speak. I entered my house and was mystified at the fact that my children weren’t home either, just as in my fantasy. Oh, right. It was Dario’s week.
This and the memory of the vision I had experienced in the doctor’s office made me yearn for my children. My emotions were so disrupted that I decided to call Dario. I never interrupted his visits with the kids. I waited until they got in touch with me, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Hello,” Dario’s dry voice answered.
“Dario, may I speak to the kids, please?” I pleaded. Surely my tone must’ve infuriated him. Dario hated when I cried or showed my emotions.
“The kids are busy right now, Grace. It’s not a good time.” He refused to cooperate in alleviating my pain.
“Busy doing what, Dario? I just want to speak to them for a second.”
“I’m not home right now, Grace. I’m out. The kids are with my parents. They’re visiting. I’ll have them call you when I get there.” There was silence on the other end and then he hung up the phone.
Of course Dario wasn’t with the kids. They had already told me about his new love interest. He was probably out and about with her, which really didn’t bother me in the least. Let her deal with his mood swings and his secrets. I almost wished to warn her, but Dario wasn’t my problem anymore.
Still, I needed to speak to my children. I needed reassurance that I still held on to something special and untouched in my life. My children. But, they weren’t with me and they wouldn’t be for another five days. So I found myself pondering on my visions and their meaning. I was so confused.
Life had thrown too many curves my way. I needed to clear my head. I felt that I couldn’t trust anyone at this moment. I couldn’t even count on Lucian to comfort me. I couldn’t trust him. My phone rang and the caller I.D. revealed Lucian’s number. I didn’t make a move to pick up even after the twentieth ring. I was afraid of talking to Lucian before I ruled him out of my life. I had a touch for adhering to psycho men.
I decided to take extraordinary measures and take the easier route of escape.
“Mom.” I opted to use my mother’s knowledge of affordable five star hotels to find my perfect getaway. We were on better terms, since I left Dario. My parents had even come to see the kids now that I lived by myself.
“What is it, Grace Elizabeth?” My mom seemed taken aback that I was calling her as opposed to Dad.
“I need to go away to a distant place. Somewhere near water. Somewhere modern, but cozy. Somewhere with a walkway to the water. I need to think.” I realized I had just described my dream home to my mom, kind of like the one I had seen in my fantasy session with Dr. Cummings. My mother didn’t even offer to research for such a place. She seemed to have it right at the top of her head.
“I know just the place.” She gave me directions and instructed me to set my GPS. She even offered to make the arrangements for my stay herself.
I took on her offer and began packing for my five day getaway. I decided I would leave immediately. I needed to escape another night of missing my children, of lamenting my life and questioning what I had just experienced in Dr. Cumming’s office.
Chapter 18: Escape
The drive to the lakes had been a long one, but it had the desired effect. It calmed my nerves to see a changing landscape. An inspiring place. I was driving down a long stretch of straight road with the expanse of Lake Huron to my side.
I knew it’d be freezing when I left the shelter of my pearl colored Lexus, but it wasn’t much different from home so I plowed on. This car was the only luxury I had allowed myself for all of my hard work. I turned into the tiny path that trailed into the fantasy hotel my mom had recommended.
My mom was rigid, and I now understood that it was because she was an old-fashioned kind of gal despite having been thrust into the twenty-first century with a husband and two daughters. And one who seemed to steer away from everything she knew, at that.
She preferred to hold on to “better, nicer days.” As she called her younger years, but she had no problem tinkering with technology if she had to. Her suggestion to rely on my GPS was right on. I arrived at the hotel without a hitch.
She ascertained that she had married my father for his collection of oldies. I was a witness to this. I had even inherited his enviable collection right after I left Dario. I guess it was his way of letting me know that he approved of the important decision I had made.
The recollection of my mother and father dancing to The Great Pretender by the Platters in the living room was one I often revisited. My dad would put on his best singing voice which cracked a bit only at the end of each verse. He would croon at my beautiful mother, so young, so frail and grab her by the waist for a twirl.
My eyes shone under my auburn curls and I looked up in w
onder as I witnessed their enthrallment with each other. I knew it wouldn’t be long before my dad would twirl my mother out to the corner and come for me.
He would pick me up and place my feet on his to dance. I imagined myself the world’s greatest dancer and I was, as long as my dad led me in this dance. His hands never let me go. His steps never faltered. They kept me safe.
My heart contracted a bit at the memory. These were the times when I missed those years near my dad ferociously, like the air I needed to breathe. My dad’s collection of oldies had become my kids’ nursery songs. Children took well to the oldies. If they didn’t find them beautiful, they found them funny and fun to dance to.
I dumped my bag on the comfortable bed and crept outside wrapping my azure scarf around my neck and adjusting my white coat and stepped out into the cold night. The chill of the lake air stunned my cheeks, but it felt good. It kept me awake. It made me feel alive. The scent of the water challenged my senses. I stood there looking at the illuminated surf and let the torrent of emotions inundate me. My anger rose and caught in my throat. A fresh reserve of tears assaulted my eyes and I let them fall freely.
Most of the guests were in bed by that time. There were hardly any due to the season. I hadn’t bumped into anyone on my way in, so I had the beach all to myself. As if to safeguard my outburst, I walked further away from the hotel. This stretch of land was practically illuminated solely by the half moon that hung to the winter’s sky.
Desperation took a hold of me and I expelled a heart wrenching sob into the night. My shoulders shook as I let out the pain, the fear. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I took a deep breath and shouted at the void.
“Why?”
“I’ve been a good person. I’ve strived to do what’s right. I haven’t hurt anyone. I have waited patiently to be okay. To be happy. I have been strong through it all and I’ve had faith. Blinding faith that good things come to good people. That somehow forgetting the hurt and pain caused by others and going on with my life without offering them retribution, however small, of their own medicine, would afford me peace and a sense of well being with myself. I’ve been sensitive to injustice and inequities, but not quick judge.”
