I'd be heartbroken, because I'd think it would mean he didn't care enough about me or my feelings to tell me. I would think I wasn't as important to him as he is to me. I would think I had horribly overestimated what our relationship meant to him.
It was like she'd always thought, like her mom had always said – she was a ruiner of things. She just didn't understand enough about other people and how they worked and relationships in general. That's why she was so good at her job, she was basically more machine than human. She had no business trying to get involved with someone when she didn't even know how to properly interact with other human beings.
But I want to learn how, and I want him to teach me.
So that's how she found herself limping down the sidewalk late one day, holding her raincoat closed over a large brown paper bag, trying to keep it safe from the rain.
Such a bad idea. She'd gotten out of the hospital only the day before, she was supposed to be resting her ankle, not walking ten blocks on it. She had a mission, though, so she didn't care that her entire leg was throbbing, or that her foot was swollen and on fire. She was going to be brave, just this one time, at least.
When she got to Liam's club, Jan the bouncer leapt off his stool and helped her through the front door. Then once inside, Tim the bartender helped her down the stairs to the bottom level. The sex club portion of the business had just opened for the evening, so thankfully there weren't too many patrons, yet. She smiled at a waitress, then slowly lumbered down the hallway. She stood outside the very last door, trying to get control of her breathing.
It's okay. It'll be okay. It has to be okay. I didn't ruin it. Please, god, I hope I didn't really ruin it.
She knocked on the door.
“If it's not those invoices I asked for, then fuck off!”
She blinked in surprise at how he sounded and it threw her off guard. She stammered for a second, her carefully built up courage wavering.
“It's, uh ... it's not invoices,” she finally called back. “But it is tacos.”
There was a long silence. So long, her chest started to heave as she staved off hyperventilating. Then, thank god, there were the sounds of footsteps, followed quickly by the door opening. Liam stared down at her.
“Ayumi,” he said simply. She swallowed thickly and managed a nod.
“Hi.”
He just kept staring at her. She tried to hold it together, but her ankle won out. She winced and leaned to the side, putting all her weight on her uninjured leg. Liam's eyes flicked down to the huge boot and for a moment, just a second, he looked sad. Then it was gone and he was pulling the bag of tacos out of her arms.
“C'mon, sit down,” he sighed, opening the door wide for her.
Stupid ankle. She didn't want his pity. She wanted his smiles and thoughts and every single one of his moments. But she had to take what she could get, so she hobbled over to a chair and shrugged out of her rain jacket before sitting down.
“Thank you,” she said, folding up the coat and laying it over the other chair.
“What can I do for you?” he asked, sounding for all the world like he was talking to a client. She watched as he put the taco bag on the floor.
I've never seen him leave a bag of food untouched. There's no hope for me.
“I wanted to ...” she was back to struggling with her words. “I got out of the hospital.”
“I see that. How are you?”
“Good. I mean, okay. My ankle hurts all the time, and I keep having these super fun nightmares about being mugged and raped, but generally speaking, I'm okay,” she tried to make a joke, thinking maybe getting him to smile would help. After she said the words out loud, though, she realized how un-funny they sounded.
Liam apparently thought so, too.
“I'm really sorry you went through that,” he told her. “I can't even imagine what it was like. Thank god he got scared and ran away. It's good to see you and all, but I really am working. I have this huge party to ...”
This wasn't working. Nothing she'd done was working. She'd brought him his favorite food, trying to show him she remembered him. She'd tried to joke with him, attempting to show how similar they really could be.
She'd even picked her outfit specifically for him. It was dead of winter in San Francisco, it was pouring buckets out and freezing, yet she was wearing the denim shorts she'd worn during their trip, and a t-shirt of his that had somehow wound up in her luggage when she'd ran away. It was huge on her, she'd been forced to knot it in the back, and it made her look ridiculous. Paired with the shorts and her sloppy ponytail, she looked ready for a day at the beach. Or hiking. Possibly in the hills just outside of Malibu.
Or anywhere, as long as he's there. He hasn't even noticed my scar.
“Please,” she whispered, and the tiny word seemed to stun him into silence, so she rolled with it. “I wanted to tell you I'm sorry.”
“Sorry? You don't have to apologize, Ayumi,” he said, waving his hand at her.
“Stop acting like this!” she shouted, surprising herself. “This isn't you! Get mad, or make a joke, or hit on me, or ... something!”
“I'm sorry if I'm not in the mood to put on a happy face,” he replied. “Try me again tomorrow, maybe then I can pretend to be the Liam everyone loves.”
“This is all going so wrong,” she panted. “I don't want you to pretend with me. I don't want you to be anything but you. The real you.”
“The real me wasn't good enough for you.”
“Don't say that,” she gasped. “I'm sorry I left you in Malibu. I shouldn't have, I know that now. I shouldn't have answered the phone when Wulf called. I feel terrible. And my mother ... I'm sorry about her, too, but how I am with her, it's all I know. I should've listened to you and talked to you and just ... just trusted you.”
“But you didn't,” he said in a slow voice. “And I always trusted you.”
Ayumi smiled sadly, “maybe you're just a better person than I am.”
“Maybe.”
“And I'm sorry I didn't call you in the hospital. I think I regret that the most. Things were so crazy the first day, I had to take so many tests and talk to so many doctors. I thought about you the whole time, but I don't think I was ever even alone in a room with a phone, all day,” she explained.
“You have to be alone in a room to call me?” he asked.
“No, but I also didn't have your phone number. My phone was broken and my planner was at home. I swear, though, you were with me the whole time. Those were my first thoughts when I woke up, that I wished you were there. That I wished you could hold my hand and make me laugh. I only thought about you,” her voice fell into a whisper.
“That's very sweet,” he said, but his voice was still flat. “But you didn't think to ask Wulf or Katya for my number? Or just have them call me?”
“I ...” she stammered. “I did, but I ... I wanted it to be private. I wanted to say all this stuff to you, everything I just said, and I didn't want an audience, or a lot of questions afterwards. I just wanted it to be a moment between the two of us. I only wanted to share it with you.”
There. She'd said everything. She'd pled her case as best she could, now she could only wait. She was positive she'd said a lot of stuff backwards, and that she probably could've explained herself better, but this was who she was – the girl who didn't know how to express her feelings. He had to see that she was trying.
He has to know that!
Before he even spoke, though, she knew he didn't.
“We had a lot of moments,” he spoke in a slow voice. “Great moments. Amazing moments. And I always thought it was great that they were only between the two of us. But you know what I realized? They weren't only between us because of some great romance or connection. They were only between us because you wanted them to be. Even after everything, you couldn't just fucking call me in front of Wulf. Couldn't show them that maybe you and I weren't such a bad idea.”
“No,” she breathed. “You don't
understand, I didn't -”
“I understand perfectly,” he interrupted her. “I'm glad I made you feel good for a while, Ayumi, and it means a lot that you came all the way down here to try and make me feel better. But it was unnecessary. I'm okay. Maybe not great, maybe not grand, but definitely okay. And I definitely know I'm better than some dirty secret you're afraid to share.”
“Stop saying -”
“I tried calling you for days after I got back. Maybe a whole week? And nothing from you. At all. I couldn't understand what would make a person be so cold to someone who'd only ever cared about them,” he told her. “But I think I get it now. You were hurting, and the person trying to comfort you was the person causing the hurt. It's a pretty shitty feeling, I gotta say. One of the worst. I'm sorry I did it to you, and I'm even more sorry you're doing it to me.”
“Liam,” she breathed his name, but she couldn't speak anymore. Her throat was clogging up with unshed tears.
“So I know you'll understand when I tell you I don't particularly want to see you right now,” he kept talking. “It sucks, and it hurts. But we were fine before each other, and I have no doubt you'll be fine after. Now if you'll excuse me, I really do have a lot of work.”
It was obviously a dismissal, but for emphasis, he disregarded her completely and stared down at the sheet of paper in front of him. Made notes as he read along, seemingly oblivious to the fact she was still sitting across from him. Still crying.
He was hurting, he'd said, and she was causing the hurt. She couldn't stand it. She cared about him, she only wanted his happiness – even at the expense of her own. So she cried and she sniffled and she slid on her rain jacket and she limped to his door.
She turned around one last time, thinking maybe he'd be looking up. At the very least to say goodbye. But he hadn't even lifted his head.
“I'm sorry, Liam,” she whispered so softly, he couldn't hear her. “I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. But you were always, always good enough for me. Better than me. The absolute best.”
“I'm sorry,” he said, not bothering to look up. “Were you talking?”
Ayumi was already in the hallway before he'd even finished talking. She put up the hood on her jacket and slowly hobbled out of his club. Out of his life.
I may ruin everything, but I won't ruin this. If making him happy means staying away from him, I'll do it. I can do whatever it takes, as long as it means he'll start smiling again.
Ayumi, on the other hand, was pretty sure she'd never smile again.
23
“Congratulations!”
Both girls made the exclamation at the same time, but neither Tori nor Ayumi looked especially congratulatory. Ayumi looked a little like she wanted to cry, and Tori looked super uncomfortable while Katya held out her ring finger.
She kept her smile in place and persevered. She'd called Ayumi earlier in the day and had asked her to meet up at Tori's apartment. Everything was all in place.
“Thank you! I'm so happy,” she sighed. “I'm telling you guys first, of course.”
“Well, I'm really happy for you,” Ayumi said. “And I really mean it. I've known Wulf a long time, and I've never seen him as happy as he is with you.”
“That's so sweet. I also wanted to talk to both of you about the engagement party,” Katya pushed on.
“Oh. Where's it going to be?” Ayumi asked politely. Tori looked like she was barely even listening.
“You'll never believe it,” Katya laughed. “But it's going to be here.”
“In my apartment?” Tori asked.
“No, in building number two! Liam was canceling the New Year's party, and then Wulf proposed and I was like wait a minute ... a large room with a lot of booze and decorations and food and all my favorite people already going? It seemed perfect. So I asked him if we could just take it over and he said sure,” she explained.
Ayumi actually blanched, but it was Tori who spoke up first.
“I'm sorry, but I don't think I can make it.”
Katya was stunned. How could Tori not be there? They'd been friends since high school. They did everything together. It was a given that she'd be Katya's maid-of-honor when the time came.
“What? Why?” she finally managed to ask.
“I'm really, really sorry,” Tori insisted. “If I had known, I ... I'm going on a trip.”
“A trip?” Katya asked dumbly.
“Yeah. All the shit at work, and this opportunity came up to go on a trip, so I took it. It's crazy, I know, but it's already booked and kind of a done deal,” she told them.
“An opportunity ... are you joining a cult?” Katya asked, and finally her friend laughed.
“No. Honestly. Just going to go be a bum for a while, get over my heart break,” she teased, and even threw a cheeky wink at Ayumi.
She is. She's in a cult. Or on drugs. Or both. Oh god. I can only deal with so many broken people at one time!
“What about your job? Does Liam know?”
“I already told him. I said if I was going to stay on at The Garden, then I was going to need an extended paid vacation. He agreed. Promised my job would be there when I got back.”
“He's a good guy,” Ayumi said in a soft voice, and that put a damper on the whole room.
“He is,” Tori finally agreed. Then she turned and walked back to her bedroom.
“Well then,” Katya sighed. “I'll deal with ... whatever that was in a minute. You'll be there, though, for sure.”
“Me? Oh, Katya, I don't know,” Ayumi said, wringing her hands. “Liam didn't return any of my calls and I don't want to make it weirder than it already is. I don't feel comfortable going.”
“It's okay,” Katya took a deep breath. Lying wasn't her forte. “He won't be there. There's a big party at the club he's overseeing. And what with Tori leaving, he'll probably be there all night.”
“Really? On New Year's?” Ayumi checked.
“Really. So look, you know Wulf probably better than anyone. I want to get him a present,” Katya started babbling. “A real show stopper. What do you think ...”
WULF KNOCKED SHARPLY on the door in front of him, then took a step back. When it opened, he started to speak. Then paused. Narrowed his eyes for a second.
“Is Eden home?” he asked. Landon Edenhoff smiled big.
“You've always been able to tell us apart,” he chuckled. “It's pretty impressive. Yeah, he's here. Make yourself at home, I was heading out.”
Liam's twin shut the door loudly behind him, then could be heard stomping down the stairs.
Wulf tried to remember if he'd ever been in Eden's apartment before – he must have, at some point. Maybe. It was very bright and airy. All open spaces and natural light. He supposed it fit Liam's personality perfectly.
“You know,” he said when the other man finally walked out of the bathroom. “You did a really good job on this remodel. You could rent it out for a lot of money.”
“Wulf,” Liam said, obviously a little stunned.
“Liam.”
“Uh, what are you doing in my home?” he blurted out, glancing around.
“Your brother let me in. Can I sit?”
Liam bustled over to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair. Wulf sat down and Liam grabbed them both beers before taking his own seat.
“Why are you here?” he asked point blank.
After Wulf had sold off his half of the club, he and Liam hadn't really had a reason to socialize. At least, not beyond the occasional shared meal with Katya. They weren't the type of associates to ever make house calls, either, so it must have looked strange, just showing up out of the blue.
“Katya and I got engaged,” Wulf said bluntly. Liam toasted his beer.
“I heard. Mazel tov.”
“Thanks. So you're sure it's okay if we hijack your party?” he checked, of course already knowing it was okay.
“Yeah, I don't care, I don't plan on being there anyway.”
“Seriously?” Wulf fei
gned surprised. “But you have to be, Katya will be bitch all night if you're not.”
“I know, but Tori just informed she's taking something like a month off to travel. Someone has to be at the club during its party,” he sighed.
“Surely you don't have to be there all night,” Wulf insisted. “Parties throw themselves. Stay at the club until like nine, then head over here. It'll be perfect.”
“What happens at nine?”
“We're making the toast then, so you should really be there.”
“Ug, pass.”
Wulf chuckled. Sometimes, just sometimes, he almost kind of liked Liam. That's what inspired his next idea.
“You know,” he started speaking in a slow voice. “I don't have a lot of close friends, and I don't have any brothers.”
“I know.”
“In fact, when I thought about it, I realized you're probably the only man I'm even relatively close to,” he continued.
“That's sweet, Wulfy, but what does ...” Liam's voice trailed off as the light bulb went on over his head. “You've gotta be shitting me.”
“I do need a best man,” Wulf sighed.
Ayumi, you owe me big time for this.
“Me? You fucking hate me. I don't like you. How could you possibly want me? What about, uh ... uh ... Mr. Tocci? You guys are bros.”
“Katya's dad is still getting used to life in a wheelchair, I'm not about to make him sit at the head of a church for an hour. Look, do you want the position or not? It would really mean a lot,” Wulf barked out. His niceness only extended so far.
“God, I ... uh ... are you sure?”
“It would mean a lot to Katya, too,” Wulf tacked on. Liam groaned.
“I'm not throwing you a bachelor party.”
“I wouldn't want you to. So be at the party by nine o'clock,” he instructed him.
“Fine. Fine, I'll fucking be there,” Liam grumbled and looked away. He was silent for a moment and Wulf kept smiling pleasantly. Finally, the other man cracked. “Ayumi will be there, right? You should make sure it's okay with her that I'm going.”
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