by Melissa Hill
And now poor old Shane was gone.
Reeling with shock after opening Aidan’s email, he had phoned to enquire about the funeral. He knew that Aidan had been a little surprised about his coming home for the service, but when Roan heard the news, there was never a question that he might not attend. He had always had terrific respect for Shane, and from the sounds of it; poor Aidan was absolutely devastated. The very least he could do was go home and pay his respects to the family. He felt sorry for Karen too. God knows the two of them had never got on, but it must’ve been very hard for the girl to lose her fiancé like that.
“Any idea where we go from here, buck?” the taxi driver asked, interrupting Roan’s train of thought. They had stopped at a T-junction and there didn’t appear to be a road sign for Kilrigh, or indeed, for anywhere else. Like Roan, the taxi driver wasn’t familiar with the back roads and by-roads of County Meath.
“I’m not sure myself.” Roan shifted in his seat to get a better look out the window.
The tarmac road on which they were travelling seemed to lead left onto a narrow, heavily, overgrown by-road, which to him looked no more than a cattle trail. The alternative was a similarly narrow roadway, this one with tall grass growing directly down the middle, and gravelled on either side. Both roads looked particularly daunting, not seeming to lead to anywhere near civilisation.
The sun had risen much higher in the sky, and Roan guessed that the time must now be close to ten o’clock or half-past. Aidan had told him that the funeral Mass was at eleven o’clock. At this stage, it looked as though he was going to be late.
*****
Tessa took Gerry’s hand and squeezed it tightly, as the smell of incense filled the air, a signal that it was time to bring the coffin out of the small church to the graveyard. They waited for Shane’s family to exit the pews, then the small group of friends followed the priest, altar boys, and other mourners down the aisle, and out the door into the bright sunlight.
It was a glorious day, Tessa noted. It had been a mild few weeks, but considering that the country had been pelted with wind and rain all over the previous week and weekend, the sun shining happily in a cloudless sky just didn’t fit. In fact, it almost seemed to mock the tragic circumstances that brought them all here. Then again, she thought, there was probably a delighted bride-to-be somewhere else in the country, that had spent all week hoping and praying for that same sky. Walking slowly through the graveyard, she caught Mike’s eye and gave him a little smile. He had come to the funeral without Jenny, and seemed a bit lost in the middle of it all. Tessa thought she could understand why Karen couldn’t bring herself to attend the funeral, but she wasn’t sure if her friend was doing the right thing. Laying a loved one to rest was an important part of the grieving process; this she understood from her own experience with grieving relatives at the hospital. By trying to shut it all out, Karen was simply delaying the inevitable. She knew that her friend’s decision had been unpopular with the Quinn family. Upon hearing that Karen wouldn’t be attending the funeral, Barbara Quinn – Shane’s elder sister – had been totally scandalized. Temporarily putting aside her grief, she had launched an all-out-attack on Karen.
“I don’t know why I’m even surprised,” she had said, when Jenny had phoned the Quinn household to inform them of Karen’s decision. “It’s just typical of that girl – selfish to the end. God forgive me, but the only good thing that’s come out of this is that she’ll never be part of this family.”
She was an odious woman, Tessa thought. At the removal the night before, Barbara had been close to disrespectful towards her brother with the way she carried on – chatting and gossiping with the other women as if they were attending a country fair – then turning on the tears, and wailing like a banshee as soon as the priest arrived for the blessing. Tessa didn’t doubt that she had loved her brother, but to Barbara, the funeral seemed more of an excuse for a social outing at which she was the centre of attention, rather than the tragic and poignant occasion that it was. It was a terrible thing to be thinking, especially in present circumstances, but Tessa felt that Karen was well rid of the Quinns.
The funeral procession stopped, and the crowd began to gather in small groups beside the grave. Nellie, looking deeply saddened, was supported on one side by Shane’s sisters, and on the other by a tall, wirily built man with a moustache, whom Tessa recognised as Jack, the older brother. The wreaths had been laid alongside the coffin and the priest had just begun a decade of the Rosary when Tessa noticed some movement amongst the crowd. With Jenny a couple of steps behind her, a terribly frail-looking Karen – her face pallid, and tears streaming down her cheeks – walked through the crowd. When she reached the graveside, she bent down at the head of the coffin, and briefly touched the brass plate on the lid. Then, crouched at the graveside, Karen lowered her head and began to sob quietly. It was a heartbreaking sight, and Tessa’s tears flowed freely as she felt her friend’s pain.
Chapter 40
After the service, the funeral party went to Mulligans – Rathrigh’s only pub – where drinks and refreshments were served.
“I’m delighted that you managed to convince her,” Aidan said to Jenny. “We were all so sure that she wouldn’t come.”
“I didn’t have to,” she said. “Nothing would have dragged Karen here last night, but when she got up this morning, something had changed. She told me that she had spent all night thinking it over, and that this time she would say goodbye to him properly.” She glanced towards Karen, who was sitting in another corner of the pub, in gentle conversation with Gerry.
“Mike’s gone back then,” Tessa said, sipping her mineral water and at the same time, trying to dodge Aidan’s cigarette smoke. “I noticed him leave earlier.”
Jenny nodded. “He feels so guilty about having to rush off to London like that. But there’s no point in his being here – it’s all over now.”
Tessa followed Jenny’s gaze across the room towards her husband.
“He’s been terrific with Gerry, you know. I don’t know how he does it, but Mike has this knack of saying the right thing to people, especially at times like this.”
It was true, Jenny thought. Mike had a wonderful manner about him. Most people outside a close circle of friends had absolutely no idea how to react to such a tragedy, and generally resorted to supposedly comforting but mostly meaningless clichés.
Mike was no such person, however. He had been a rock to them all throughout these last few days, but particularly to the men: spending hours talking with Aidan, who was still trying to take some meaning from the death of his closest friend. The night before, he had sat up talking with Gerry until the early hours of this morning.
He would be absolutely shattered by the time he got to London. Jenny hoped that he’d have the chance to catch a few hours’ sleep before the meeting.
Since she decided to attend the funeral this morning, Karen had bucked up a little but Jenny could see from her friend’s face that the strain of it all was starting to get to her. She’d drive her back to Dublin as soon as an opportunity presented itself, but in the meantime, it was good to have Karen up out of bed, and sharing her grief with her friends. Especially since she couldn’t rely on either Shane’s family or her own. Jenny was still smarting from her conversation with Mrs Cassidy the previous day.
“I’m sorry dear, but it will be just impossible for us to get back in time for this funeral. Jonathan has a huge American booking this week and well, we had to keep June free for the wedding, and all that. We couldn’t possibly rearrange everything so quickly. Karen will understand, she knows how it is. Tell her we love her very much and we’ll send some flowers.”
Send some flowers indeed. Now she knew why her own mother never had any time for Clara and Jonathan Cassidy. Jenny knew that Karen’s parents were busy people, but what kind of parents would desert their only child at a time like this?
“I’m getting another Coke, does anyone want anything?” she asked, draining he
r glass. Tessa and Aidan shook their heads.
She looked up as Jack Quinn waylaid her on her way to the bar.
“Jenny, isn’t it?” he said, “I’d just like to apologise for my sister’s behaviour on the phone last night. She was upset – we all were.”
Jenny nodded. “I understand. I’m sure Karen will too.”
“Barbara can be a little,” he searched for the right word, “‘difficult’ sometimes. But it’s nothing personal.”
“It’s fine, honestly. I’m sure Karen won’t take it that way,” Jenny said with a placating smile. At least Jack had the decency to apologise, knowing full well that his sister was out of order in blasting Karen for her decision not to attend the removal. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Nellie Quinn approach Karen at her table.
“Well, thank you for coming Jenny,” Jack continued. “I’ve often heard Shane speak about you, and I know you were a good friend.”
Jack walked away and as he moved, Jenny’s breath caught in her throat. Her head started spinning while the rest of the world stood still.
Roan Williams was leaning casually alongside the bar counter to her left, chatting with a dark-suited man that Jenny didn’t recognise. Her stomach constricted and her heart started pounding at the rate of what seemed like a thousand beats per minute. What was he doing here? No, it couldn’t be him – it was just someone who looked like Roan. She was tired and her mind was just playing tricks on her. Jenny looked, away, shook her head slightly and then looked back again. No, it was definitely him.
She heard the barman ask for her order, and Jenny had no choice but to collect herself, while still reeling with the shock of it.
Oh, stop being so silly, she told herself. So what if Roan was here? It was no big deal, was it? But it was just so unexpected to see him in the flesh after such a long time. She paid the barman, and shakily made her way back to the table, taking such a huge gulp from her glass that she ended up with a mouthful of ice.
“You’ve seen Roan, I take it,” whispered Tessa, just out of earshot from the others.
Jenny nodded, trying to her best to appear nonchalant. “I didn’t know he was back from the States, did you?”
Tessa shook her head. “No, but I saw him earlier standing at the back of the church on our way out.” She leaned forward and whispered, “How are you feeling?”
“Me? Oh, I’m fine, absolutely fine. It was a bit unexpected but …”
She stopped short as Roan approached the table and nodded briefly towards the others. Aidan, who was sitting with his back to the bar, turned around in surprise when Roan tapped him on the shoulder. He stood up and the two men clapped one another on the back.
“Mate – how are you? Thanks for coming,” Aidan said warmly.
Jenny tried to avert her eyes, but didn’t succeed. Over Aidan’s shoulder, Roan was staring right at her, with those deep, dark eyes she had once known so well.
“Hi guys, how are you all?” He pulled up a stool and sat down in the space between Jenny and Aidan. She shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. “Jenny – it’s been a long time, how have you been?” he asked, smiling as he took a drink from his pint.
Jenny bristled at his casualness. How could he speak to her as if she were just another one of the gang, as if nothing had ever happened between them? She wanted to scream at him. How have I been? Oh I’ve been just fine, Roan. By the way, you broke my heart and practically ruined my life, but I’m just fine and dandy now. Thanks for asking.
“Very well thanks, and you?” was all she said, her voice even, although her heart was racing a mile a second. Two can play at that game, buster.
“Great, great. I’ve no complaints.”
Good for you.
Noticing Jenny’s obvious discomfort, Tessa swiftly changed the direction of the conversation, by asking Roan how long he had been back in Ireland. Jenny tried to appear disinterested when he told them that he had flown in to Dublin earlier that same day for the funeral; and was going back to the States the following day. It was simply a flying visit, he explained, and he probably wouldn’t even get the chance to visit his family.
Jenny digested this information with a mixture of relief and disappointment.
She had tried so long to pretend she didn’t care, had told herself she didn’t care, but seeing Roan here now, and after so long, brought everything back. All those lonely months of heartbreak and self-doubt, wondering why he found necessary to deceive her for so long, wondering why she hadn’t been enough for him. Jenny needed to know, she had to know why.
She knew she shouldn’t be feeling like this, not when she had got her life back on track. And then there was Mike. Mike, who she knew would do anything for her, who trusted her implicitly, and would never treat her as Roan had.
Anyway, she thought, seeing Karen walk towards them, today was not the day to be revisiting the past.
“Jen, I hope you don’t mind, but the Quinns have asked me to come back to the house. They have some things of Shane’s that Nellie wants me to have.”
“OK, do you want me to come with you?”
She sank down on the seat beside her. “No, you go on home if you like. I don’t really want to go, but I probably won’t get the chance again. After all, I have no ties with them now, do I?” Eyes glistening, she looked away for a moment. “I might end up staying the night, but if not, I’m sure Jack or one of the others will drop me home later. You go on back to Dublin after this, you haven’t been home for days, and I know you’ve had even less sleep than I’ve had.”
Jenny smiled and patted her friend’s hand. “Are you sure?” she asked, not too happy about leaving her alone with the Quinns. She hoped Barbara Quinn would behave herself, because at this stage, poor Karen had been through enough. Then again, maybe this would be the opportunity she and Nellie needed to put the past behind them.
“I am. I think everyone will be heading back soon, anyway, although Gerry looks like he’s enjoying his few pints,” she said to Tessa.
Tessa looked across the room to where her husband was sitting, with a half-finished pint of Guinness in his hand, and a fresh one on the table in front of him.
“I don’t mind,” said Tessa. “I think we all deserve to relax after this. You know, I used to hate the way everyone in this country always seemed to rush straight into the pub after a funeral. I always thought it was disrespectful. But after everything that’s happened over these last few days, I can see why people need to feel someway close to normal again.” She saw Karen wince and Tessa could have kicked herself. “Oh, I’m sorry love, I know it’ll be a very long time before you feel anyway close to normal again. I just didn’t think.”
“No, it’s fine,” Karen said, getting up from the stool, “to be honest, today has been a lot easier than I expected. I know it sounds weird, but I’m sort of glad I decided to come. Thanks you two. I appreciate you being there for me.”
“Karen, you know we’ll still be here whenever you need us,” said Tessa, embracing her fondly, “by the looks of things, we’ll be staying on here for a while longer. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Tessa and Gerry had planned to stay the night at the house Harold’s Cross, so that Karen wouldn’t be on her own.
“You have a key?” Karen asked.
“Yes, now don’t you worry about us. I see Nellie Quinn is waving at you – she must be ready to leave.”
“I’d better go, then. Thanks for everything.”
Karen hugged Jenny and Tessa again and went to join the Quinns, who were waiting for her by the door.
“I’m going to go too,” said Jenny with a yawn. “Karen was right, I’ve hardly had any sleep and I’m absolutely whacked.”
“Are you sure that you’ll be OK to drive, then?” Tessa asked.
“I’ll be fine, honestly. Say goodbye to Gerry for me, will you?” She looked around to say goodbye to the others but in the meantime everyone seemed to have moved. And she couldn’t see Roan anywhere.
Feeling strangely empty, Jen
ny left the small pub, and walked outside towards the tiny carpark, at the rear of the building. For some reason, she had always expected that when she finally came face-to-face with Roan again, it would be different to this. She had spent so many nights playing a variety of scenes over and over in her head.
In one, Roan would be full of remorse, and maybe plead with her to take him back, realising how much he loved her, and how much he had lost. In another, she would scream at him, asking him why – why he had hurt her the way he did? And then, maybe they would fall into one another arms, or maybe they would go their separate ways. But today, there had been nothing like that. Roan had barely even acknowledged her. Jenny switched on the ignition; her vision blurred and her eyes filled with tears, as she made her way out of the carpark, and away from Rathrigh.
She had reached the carpark exit, when she noticed a tall figure run up beside the car.
“What do you want?” She rolled down the window, but wasn’t able to look at him.
Roan began to say something, then stopped, putting both hands in his trouser pockets. Then he said, “I saw you leave and I just wanted to –” At that moment, Aidan came out the side door of the pub and wandered towards the carpark.
“For goodness sake, get in, will you?” Jenny said impatiently. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she didn’t want anyone to see them together. Roan obliged and Jenny put the Punto into gear and sped down the main street, her own thoughts going much faster than the car’s speedometer.
