From: Olivia Donnelly
Subject: Calm Down Mama Bear
Oh, don’t worry … I’m not the only one having to reconcile myself. William is doing plenty of that himself. (I’m not exactly a pushover, you know.) I can’t really explain it because I’m still trying to figure everything out. But what I feel for him is just … so much. It’s everything. He’s everything. He’s my missing piece. It’s complicated. He’s complicated. He thinks I’m complicated. Ha! I’d love nothing more than to be with him forever, but we might be too different. I still have to figure out how I feel about his lifestyle.
I felt terrible for the secrets I kept, but what else could I do? It wasn’t as if I could end my email with “PS: he’s a vampire.” What I could do though was talk through my conflicting emotions and hopefully come to a conclusion I could live with.
And that’s what my mind kept circling back to. William had let me walk away because he believed I’d come back to him. He’d given me time to make peace with who—what—he was. But what if I decided I couldn’t find peace. What if, in the end, it was all just too much and I wanted to put him and everything I’d learned behind me, forget it’d ever happened? Seamus’s words continued to haunt me.
William wasn’t a jealous lover whose reaction I needed to worry about. He was an immortal being who had kind-of-sort-of reconnected with the love of his life after centuries of mourning her loss (I still had a hard time reconciling who I was against who I’d been and coming to terms with the dead woman’s soul I apparently carried with me). If William thought he was about to lose Ceara—me, us, whoever—there was no telling what he would do. I no longer thought he’d hurt me—he’d proven he could go to the brink and step back from the abyss—but who was to say he wouldn’t do something drastic?
Honestly, my head was so twisted and my thoughts so discordant that I didn’t know what to do, what to think. I felt like I didn’t know anything anymore except the fact that I couldn’t delay the inevitable for much longer. I needed to make up my mind and soon.
I’d always thought I was a strong woman, but my time in Ireland had shown me what true strength was. In California, I’d let the world crumble around me when my parents died. But here, I’d been faced with circumstances that had opened my mind and heart to a world I never could have imagined, to being a woman I hadn’t known I could be. William had given that to me.
To: Olivia Donnelly
From: Heather Jones
Subject: You Sound Different
I’ve never heard you talk like this about anyone. It’s clear this William—whoever he is—has affected you more than I thought. Ah, the heady early days of romance when everything is new and exciting! But be careful with your heart, friend. I don’t want you to get hurt.
PS: I’m assuming the sex is fantastic.
I laughed for the first time in days. Leave it to Heather to know exactly what to say.
To: Heather Jones
From: Olivia Donnelly
Subject: I *am* different
And yes, the sex is fantastic.
Or at least it had been. I swear I felt my ovaries shrivel up and die when I thought I might not have another chance to lose myself in William’s arms. And that was one of my biggest problems, wasn’t it? Because despite all of my tangled emotions, despite who William was, despite everything I was or who I’d been, my body was attuned to his. But could my mind and body come to terms with one another?
Chapter Twenty-Seven
William
I was miserable without Olivia. We hadn’t had any contact and I knew that’s the way it had to be, but it was torture not to hear her throaty, sexy laugh, the one that washed over me like hot molasses. And her scent was everywhere. Even after Seamus had ordered a full deep clean of the entire space, I could still smell her. She was in me, part of me. I didn’t think I’d ever get her out of my head. I didn’t want to.
I lived like a shut in, afraid if I left and Olivia came back and I wasn’t here, she’d take it as a sign we weren’t meant to be. It made no sense, but I wasn’t behaving like a rational man. Seamus was at his wits’ end with me.
“Have you talked with the others?” he asked one night over a bottle of port.
“No, and I have no intention of doing so,” I answered as I poured another glass. It was my sixth, but who was counting. I could drink the whole bottle and barely feel its effects. Seamus, on the other hand, needed to pace himself. He was a philosophical drunk and I wasn’t in the mood for that side of him tonight.
“Even if they might be able to help you?” he asked and I scoffed.
“Help me? They might lock me up for this one. You know they’ve been looking for a reason to put me on trial.”
“But this isn’t the same. Surely they’d see that,” he answered heatedly.
Seamus was a big believer in rules, regulations, and the power of a steady mind. He had never seen these people in action so he couldn’t fathom that when it came to achieving their ends, they’d stop at nothing, logic and good sense be damned.
“Not the ones who matter,” I explained for what felt like the hundredth time. “I only have so many allies there and I don’t know that they’d be able to protect me from those who’d see me stripped of everything I have and tossed in a sell to desiccate and die.”
“Would it really come to that?” he asked, pushing his glass forward for a refill. I poured more liquid, but only halfway up the glass.
“If I went and told them my dead wife had been reincarnated and we’d somehow magically found our way back to one another, the more scientific among them would start sniffing around Olivia, trying to figure it all out and I can’t have that.”
“But don’t you want to know why it happened?”
I sat forward in my chair and dropped my forearms onto my knees. “Of course I do, Seamus. I want to know more than anything. But they’re not the ones who will be able to tell me.”
“I still think you need to talk to someone.”
“I am talking to someone. I’m talking to you.”
“And it’s as enlightening as ever, but you know what I mean. You need to consult with someone who could help you understand who Olivia is.”
“We already know who Olivia is,” I cautioned him. I was tired of this conversation and didn’t like being pushed.
“Well, yes. We do,” he added hurriedly. “What I mean is, it would be good to find someone who could answer the why of it. Why now? Why her? Why you?”
I sighed and dropped my head. “I know,” I admitted begrudgingly.
Because yes, I did want to know the whys of it all. We might never be able to know how it had happened, but if we could know why … perhaps I could also know why it hadn’t happened before. Why if Ceara was going to be reborn in someone else I’d had to wait hundreds of years to see her again. And why wasn’t this beguiling, mystifying woman not just a modern version of Ceara?
As improbable as everything had been, if the woman I’d sought out that night in the hotel had just been Ceara, I’d wondered if we might not be where we are today. Or maybe we would be, there was no telling. There was no telling anything anymore. But when she’d been wholly Olivia with only traces of Ceara buried deep within her soul, that had thrown me for a loop. I’d been ready to fall before my beloved and pick up where we’d left off, but those plans had been tossed out the window when I realized I was in love with a woman I didn’t really know.
So yes, maybe Seamus was right. Maybe I needed to take a chance that my allies could keep my secrets safe while helping me make sense of everything that was going on. The only way I’d ever know though was if I reached out to them.
Olivia,
My dearest love,
I can’t stop thinking about you.
Please come home.
I’m going away on business and will be gone for some time. I’ve been thinking about how we left things, and it doesn’t sit right with me that I welcomed you into my home—our home—and then … well, it�
�s not right that you’re not here. The castle is as much yours as it is mine. Please come back for as long as you like. I’ll stay away until you tell me otherwise. Seamus will see to all of your needs in my absence.
I read and re-read the text several times, writing and re-writing it over and over again. And because I couldn’t stop myself, I added three words I knew I shouldn’t have before hitting send.
I miss you.
I’d meant it when I told Olivia I didn’t want to pressure her, but I couldn’t not say anything.
I didn’t know what was going to happen while I was gone but if these were to be the last words I ever spoke to Olivia, they couldn’t be cold and impersonal. I had to tell her in some small way how my life had been changed by her. The sentiment didn’t come close to conveying what was really in my heart but it would have to do. I was leaving Ireland to seek answers from the only people who might have them and I had no idea when I’d be back.
I had no idea if I’d be back.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Olivia
When I woke up and saw William’s text, I panicked. He’d sent it while I was sleeping and I feared I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I knew we were supposed to keep our distance from one another, but something about the tone of it had felt so final and it had scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know if he’d left during the night or if planned to go tonight, but I had to see him. I tossed all of my belongings haphazardly into my luggage and raced across the country in his convertible, driving like a bat out of hell down roads I was pretty sure were actually walking or biking paths, hoping I made it in time.
I didn’t.
When I’d pulled up in front of the castle at sunset, I’d jumped out of the car with the engine still running and had banged on the front door until Seamus opened it and shook his head. He was gone. I’d missed it and I didn’t know when I’d see him again.
When I walked into the kitchen I was surprised to find Seamus washing out a mug at the sink. It had been days since I’d seen him. I had the distinct impression he’d been avoiding me since I’d broken down in his arms the week before and cried my eyes out to him. He’d patted my back awkwardly and told me everything was going to be okay, but somehow neither of us had believed his words.
I realized he hadn’t heard me come in and I almost turned to leave but decided it was ridiculous to continue on this way.
The entire time I’d been away from the castle I’d felt such an overwhelming pit of despair in my stomach. I dreamed about it at night and felt a longing for it almost as much as the one I felt for William. I missed him terribly, but I’d missed this place nearly as much. It felt good—right—to be back. I still didn’t know what I was going to do about my relationship with William, but I was so thankful he’d told me I could come back to stay as long as I liked. I might have been deluding myself, but I felt like being here, reliving all the wonderful and terrible experiences I’d had in the short time I’d stayed before, would help me come to some sort of decision about the rest of my life.
“Good morning Seamus. It looks like we’re going to have a lovely day,” I said as I grabbed a ceramic mug from the cabinet above my head and set about preparing a pot of tea. When he didn’t respond, I turned around to find the room empty.
Well then.
With my tea tray in hand, I made my way back upstairs where I settled in to write. For the next several hours I typed furiously, my fingers flying over the keys as I poured my heart into an entirely different story than the one I was meant to be writing. The tea growing cold beside me, I put the final period on the first ten thousand words and stood to stretch my back, stiff from long hours at the computer. I was startled to find that while I’d been lost in another world, night had descended on the castle. I listened at my door to see if I could detect any one roaming the hallways, but it remained silent. The truth was, I was listening for William’s presence, as stupid as it was. I didn’t know where he’d gone, or what he was doing, and it was killing me.
Intellectually I knew I had to make this decision on my own, but emotionally, I felt if I could only talk to him again, I’d be better equipped to do so. There were still so many questions I had. Not about him, but about me. About who I’d been. If I could just understand that part of myself better, I felt like everything else might magically fall into place. That everything would become clear.
Who was I kidding?
Yes, I needed that information, but knowing who I was likely wouldn’t impact my feelings about who William was. Could I ever get past the fact that he was a cold blooded killer? Did I want to get past it? He’d made it clear. The only way we could be together was if I forgave his past transgressions and turned a blind eye when he committed them in the future.
I’d often wondered why my mom had stayed with my father through all of his affairs. For awhile I'd thought she’d done it for my sake, but Marie Donnelly had been wealthy in her own right. She didn’t have to stay with Gerald because of me. She could have divorced him at any time with no dire financial consequences and taken me with her. For the first time ever, I wondered if my mom had truly loved my dad. If she’d coped with his philandering by turning a blind eye to his misdeeds. Had she been able to forgive and forget?
It was different with William though. If it had just been women, I could have fought for him, tried to make him stay faithful to me. No, his misdeeds were much greater than my dad’s had been, something I couldn’t fight against. He either killed or he died. Wasn’t that what he’d told me? But surely he didn’t have to kill his victims? Wasn’t there a way for him to get the sustenance he needed without turning into that sort of monster?! Damn it, there was no one I could ask these questions of except for William and he had left me behind.
Except …
An idea burgeoning, I marched to my bedroom door, threw it open, and screamed as loud as my voice would allow. “SEAMUS!”
I stormed down the hallway, opening doors and slamming them as I searched the castle for the only other human I knew who could fill me in. I didn’t think he’d tell me anything specific about William, but he’d lived long enough—and seen enough, I imagined—that he’d at least have a grasp of the basics.
“Seamus! Get your ass out here right this instant and talk to me you spineless worm of a—!”
I stopped short as he stepped out in front of me. “What in God’s name is wrong with you woman?”
“Nothing! Everything! Gah!” I ran my hands through my disheveled locks. “Everything is wrong with me. I need answers and since William is gone, you are going to give them to me.”
“I’m not sure what you think it is I can help you with. I told you once before, you have to ask him your questions. I will not tell his tale.”
“Yes, yes, yes. I know that. I’m not looking for you to tell me anything about William … specifically.”
Seamus eyed me critically, clearly not liking my evasive tone. “And I will not give you generalities either, if that’s what you’ve come looking for.”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. And goddamnit motherfucker. I turned and marched back down the hallway. Reaching the end, I turned and stomped my way back. He watched me complete the circuit three more times before putting a stop to it.
“Fine,” he said, telling me that it was anything but. “Come with me.”
He led me toward his private study at the back of the landing. Opening the door, he ushered me inside.
“Make yourself—”
He didn’t need to finish his sentence. Stretched out on the sofa at the back of the room, my right arm thrown over my face, I’d already made myself quite comfortable.
“Alright then. Tell me, what is all this screaming about?” He walked over to his desk and took a seat behind it while he waited for me to answer.
Sitting up, I swung my long legs in front of me and faced him. “I have questions; you have answers.”
“Like I said in the hall, I don’t know what it is that you think I can tell you. I
will not give away William’s secrets.”
“I don’t care about his secrets!” I stood up and began pacing again. “Okay, yes I do. I care about them—a lot. But that’s not what I need you for. I need you to talk to me about … well, vampires. In general. I need to know what you know.”
“Olivia, let me clear up any misapprehension you might be operating under. I do not have some vast understanding about the world of vampires. I don’t know vampires. I know one—one single vampire. William.”
“Oh.” The word left me on a whisper. I’d assumed because Seamus was William’s right hand he would know everything about the paranormal world I found myself contemplating joining. I’d hoped he would be able to tell me what it was like to be a human surrounded by the mystical. It turned out, much to my distress, Seamus wasn’t surrounded by the mystical at all.
“Yes. Oh.”
I sat back down on the sofa, the fight having gone out of me. “I had hoped you’d be able to help me understand … well, all of it.”
“I told William I wasn’t going to get involved; I promised him I wouldn’t interfere. What you guys are doing is none of my business, and truthfully, I don’t want to know anything.”
“But you know how William lives! Surely you had to come to grips with the killing?”
I was becoming frantic, I knew, but I felt everything slipping away from me and I didn’t know what else to do. Seamus had been my only hope.
“Sit down Olivia.”
I kept pacing, thoughts whirling through my head, as I tried to come to grips with the fact that I’d reached the end of available options.
“I’ll say it again. Sit down Olivia!”
I stopped mid-stride and stared at Seamus standing behind his desk. I hadn’t heard a word he’d said for the last several minutes, but I’d heard him loud and clear when he’d just yelled at me.
Resurrection: Part One of the Macauley Vampire Trilogy (A Paranormal Romance) Page 17
