“Sorry about that,” she apologizes as she tosses her phone back into the bag and zips it shut.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m fine,” I lie. If I was really fine, I’d be in bed right now instead of freezing to death outside at the bus stop.
“Maria told me you had... well... a problem,” she whispers awkwardly.
I raise an eyebrow. “Oh?”
“She wouldn’t tell me more than that,” she continues. “She said it was really personal.”
She’s right, it is personal. It’s so personal that I was scared to tell her—so scared that I broke up with her rather than confide in her. My head starts nodding and I sigh as I realize that I’m about to tell Tina everything. Why can I confide in Tina but not in my girlfriend? It’s how fragile Maria is, isn’t it? I so desperately wanted not to hurt her now that she’s finally happy that I unintentionally hurt her even worse.
I nod and take a deep breath. I have no idea where this conversation is going to go, and I suspect that I’m going to be just as surprised as Tina.
“My dad died,” I tell her quietly, and my freezing breath lingers in the air around me as if floating along with my words.
She stares back at me in silence for a long time, almost as if she’s judging me, before she finally reacts.
“You didn’t think it was going to hurt like this, did you?”
Her words punch straight through my armor and hit me in the chest. How does she do that? How does she always immediately dig straight down to what’s bothering someone? She’s absolutely right. I thought I’d be dancing in the street when it finally happened, but instead it’s killing me. Just like he almost killed my mother. She might even be dead by now—I won’t know until I see Sheriff Marino this afternoon.
“It hurts so much,” I whisper back to her, nodding. “There’s something else, though...”
“Maria’s not pregnant, if that’s what you’re worried about,” blurts out Tina, and I completely lose my train of thought.
“What? No, I... well, of course she’s not pregnant,” I babble back at her, trying to control my laughter.
Where the hell did that even come from? We only had sex twice and I used a condom both times. There’s no way she’s pregnant. Is she? Suddenly I’m nervous. Did Maria tell her something? Did the condom...
“Sorry, just trying to cheer you up,” says Tina, smiling at me as I let out a sigh of relief. “Sometimes life’s just so absurd that it’s hard to make it funny. What were you going to say?”
I tell her about my mother and she sucks in a sharp breath. I look down at my feet, waiting for her to say something, and I can feel her eyes boring into my back.
“Both parents at once... wow,” whispers Tina, trailing off. When I look up at her again, her eyes are wide with a strange mixture of amazement and sadness. The mixing emotions on her face are as discordant as the rising sun and bright, starry sky above us.
“I didn’t expect it to be like this,” I tell her, my voice choking up and little more than a whisper. “I dreamed of being free from them for years. I hated him, spent years angry at her, and...”
Tina reaches over and gently squeezes my hand. She’s trying her best to comfort me but it isn’t working.
“...and now that they’re gone, it hurts like a bitch,” she says, finishing my sentence for me with her usual, wonderful profanity.
I nod silently back to her. It’s all I can do since my words are all caught in a traffic jam somewhere inside me. A crushing weight squeezes the air from my lungs and a lump forms in my throat, growing larger and larger as my eyes tear up.
“Need a hug?” asks Tina, and I just keep nodding. A hug would be a start, at least, but what I really want more than anything right now is Maria. I want to tell her I’m sorry for hurting her. I want to feel her arms around me again, to feel safe in her embrace. With her, my worries just drop away. She’s all the family I have left and I love her to death.
I nearly leap out of my skin as arms wrap around me from behind the bench and hug me tightly, and then I stare at Maria in stunned amazement as she sits down next to me. Her radiant green eyes almost glow in the dim sunrise as she pulls me in close to her, and I squeeze her back tightly, pressing my face into her shoulder. This is what I needed. I can almost feel my fears and sorrows pour out of me and fall away as she holds me and runs her fingertips gently through my hair.
“How did you know I needed you?” I whisper to her, my voice cracking and my eyes filling with tears of happiness. Maria’s appearance is almost miraculous enough to send me back to church again.
“Tina texted me,” she whispers back. “She told me to get my butt out of bed and come up here.”
I turn and look over my shoulder at my minuscule guardian angel. She shrugs embarrassedly and smiles at me. If there were a Church of Tina, I’d convert in a heartbeat.
“Maria, I love you,” I whisper, turning back to her and nuzzling her cheek. “I’m so sorry I treated you like that.”
“Sorry I eavesdropped on your conversation,” she whispers awkwardly, softly pressing her cheek against mine. Her touch warms my freezing-cold skin and breaks the invisible ice forming around my heart. The unbearable weight on my chest crumbles away and suddenly my lips are joined with hers.
I draw her in close and bask in her warmth, feeling her body melt away my ice. She kisses me back and suddenly everything is perfect again. I run my hands through her long hair as our lips share feelings I can’t describe. I love her. I love her more than anything in the world. Those three little words say so much and yet, somehow, they’ll never say enough.
The bench shifts as Tina gets up behind us, and I break away from the kiss in embarrassment. She waves to me with a thin-lipped smile as she heads for the stairs, and Maria gently slips an arm around my waist and huddles up against me on the bench.
“Wait a second, Tina,” I call after her. “You never told me what you were worried about.”
She stops at the top of the stairs and glances back at me over her shoulder.
“I was worried about Maria,” she calls back. “Now that she’s here, I’ll leave you two to work it out. I’m going back to bed.”
She disappears down the stairs but her voice trails behind her in the morning silence. “Goddamned mornings... why the fuck am I even awake?”
Maria giggles and shakes her head before leaning on my shoulder. I need to know what’s bothering Tina enough to get up at five in the morning, but there’s something else I desperately need to do first.
“Maria?”
“Yeah?”
She looks up at me just in time for my lips to find hers again. Her arms encircle me as she returns my kiss, protecting me and keeping me warm in the cold morning air. I’m a flawed, broken husk of a person—a grown-up child hiding from his fears—and somehow she still loves me. I love her for keeping me safe. I love her for loving me.
I don’t deserve her and I never will, but for as long as she’ll have me, I’m hers. She’s all the family I have left, and she’s all the family I need.
Friday, March 29 – 6:20 AM
Maria
My heart flutters as Owen kisses me, and I close my eyes as I passionately press my lips to his. I’ve missed him so much. It’s only been a few days, but I really thought I’d lost him. Deep down inside, I didn’t believe Tina. I didn’t believe that Owen was just struggling to cope with what happened to him. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life.
He scoots closer to me on the bench as I wrap my arms around him. His fingers brush through my hair and send a delightful shiver down my spine as our kiss runs deeper and deeper. I’ll need to breathe eventually, but right now I feel as if I could stay like this forever... just Owen and me, safe and warm in each other’s arms until the end of time.
I’m so, so happy he’s back.
When we finally break away from each other, we’re wearing matching smiles. I wish it could be like this forever—that somehow, someday, we’ll never hav
e to be scared again. I don’t believe in happily-ever-after, but with Owen’s arms around me, I can at least dream of it.
“I love you, Maria,” he whispers in my ear. “I love you so much, and I’m sorry I was such an asshole.”
“It’s okay,” I whisper back. “Can you tell me now, or is it still too soon?”
Owen leans his head on my shoulder and nuzzles up against my neck. I hold him close and wait as a bus zips past our bus stop on its way up to campus. The engine’s roar fades into the distance, and Owen finally looks up at me again.
“Before you hugged me, how much of our conversation did you hear?”
“Just the end,” I answer. “You said you didn’t understand why it hurt so much, but I don’t know what it is.”
“Maria... my father’s dead,” he whispers.
I gasp and my heart skips a beat. Owen’s free! He can go see his mother again now. I’m probably a horrible person for thinking like this, but it’s what he’s been waiting for, isn’t it? Owen’s dreamed of being free for years, and now he finally is. Things will be better now that his father’s gone.
What do I tell him, though? Do I tell him that? I’m terrified that I’ll say the wrong thing and hurt him. Thankfully, he clears his throat and then continues before I accidentally say anything hurtful and stupid.
“The police want to ask me questions about him, and my... my mother is...”
My heart sinks into my stomach as he starts blubbering. I’m so glad I didn’t start celebrating his father’s death—something else happened, and it’s still hurting him. Before I even know what I’m doing, I’m up from the bench in a second and suddenly sitting on Owen’s lap, holding his head against my chest and squeezing him tightly. I want to beg him not to cry because it hurts me so much to see him upset, but I keep my mouth shut. Sometimes tears are all that you have, and sometimes letting them out is what you really need.
“What happened to her?” I whisper, dreading his answer.
“She’s in the hospital,” he answers, sniffling. “All the sheriff would tell me is that she’s in bad shape. He wouldn’t tell me what happened.”
Owen looks up at me and his eyes shine with tears in the dim morning light. I don’t need a police report to know what happened to his mother. His father happened.
“Oh sweetie...” my voice trails off as I hold him close. I wish I knew how to make him feel better, but this is beyond me. Tina’s right—even if Owen is back now, he’s going to have to find a way to cope on his own. It’s my job to make sure I’m there when he needs me.
“I’m sorry you have to listen to this,” he apologizes, looking guilty. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my crap on top of everything else.”
I sigh and hug Owen again as the streetlamps go dark above us one by one.
“You’re not the only one with issues, Owen,” I whisper. “You don’t need to protect me from your past. I want to see it.”
He doesn’t say anything for a long time and instead silently hugs me, rocking slowly back and forth in my arms as the sun slowly rises.
“Maria... what was Tina talking about before she left? About being worried about you?”
I don’t want to tell him, but I have to now. I just lectured him about not confiding in me and I’m debating not telling him about Darren? He deserves better than that.
“Owen, do you remember... well...” I start to tell him, but I lose my words. He cups my cheek in his cold but still comforting hand and kisses me softly.
“Do I remember what happened to you?” he quietly finishes my thoughts for me. “Yes, I do. I remember when you told me. I remember every single word of it.”
“My brother Micah is bringing him along to graduation.”
He pulls away and stares at me in shock as a red veil of anger covers his face.
“Your brother is bringing that stupid fuck with him?” he hisses viciously, clenching his fists. “Why would he do that to you?”
“He doesn’t know it happened, remember?” I answer weakly. “I never told Micah because Darren said he’d hurt him if I did.”
“So tell him! Tell him what happened and...”
“No,” I cut him off. “I won’t do that. I can’t.”
“So what are you going to do instead? You have to do something.”
I wish I knew. If I had any ideas, maybe I wouldn’t feel so desperate right now. Maybe I’d feel as if I could stand up for myself or at least as if I had a chance of making it through graduation. Right now, though, a breakdown feels inevitable. There’s no way I’m going to keep myself together when I see him; just thinking about him opens up dark places inside me, and I don’t want to go back there again.
“I... I don’t know,” I finally answer. “Tina had no ideas either.”
Owen pulls me in again and holds me close. His chest is strong and comforting, and I press myself into him and try to unwind. I feel safe with him and I don’t want to let go. The nightmares don’t hurt me when I’m with him but I can’t stay like this forever. Darren will be here soon whether I like it or not.
“I won’t let him hurt you,” says Owen, a new edge to his voice. “I promise.”
“How can you promise that? How can you say that when even seeing Darren is going to kill me?” I fire back desperately, immediately regretting how angry I sound. I don’t mean to lash out at him, but I’m so scared that every word I say comes out wrong.
“I can’t promise you won’t feel scared,” he answers calmly, letting my words roll right over him, “but I can promise he won’t hurt you. I’d sooner kill him than let him touch you again.”
I hug him as tightly as I can and try not to cry. I love him so much.
“Why don’t you tell Micah what happened?” asks Owen. “Darren won’t really hurt your brother. It was a lie to keep you quiet, because otherwise he’d be the one getting in trouble, Maria.”
“I... well, you see...” I babble, and then my voice trails off. Owen waits patiently for me to finish, but I don’t know how to explain my fear. I’m not as scared of Darren hurting him as I am of Micah hurting me.
“What if Micah doesn’t think like we do? What if... what if he’s like my mother?”
“I don’t understand,” says Owen, staring confusedly at me, and I suddenly realize that I’ve never told him about my mother.
“Owen... my mother doesn’t know either.”
“Why not? Why wouldn’t you tell her? She could have called the police or gotten you help...”
“I tried!” I interrupt. I don’t know if I’m upset at him or myself right now. “My mom laughed when I tried to tell her.”
“She laughed at you getting raped?” gasps Owen in horrified disbelief.
“No, not at me,” I tell him. “It was at a woman on the news who’d been raped. I was trying to tell her what happened, and she started making fun of the poor woman and saying how only stupid women get raped and how they’re all just asking for it and...”
I shake my head sadly as my voice gets lost somewhere inside me. I can’t talk about it anymore. I shouldn’t have to explain it to Owen because it never should have happened in the first place. Mom should have listened, but instead she made me feel like human garbage. I feel like I’m about to start crying again.
If my mother ever knew what happened to me, she’d think I was human garbage.
Owen’s arms are around me again in a flash and he silently holds me close as I try to calm myself down. I know that he understands form the sad yet angry look on his face as he hugs me. It’s like how even if I don’t really understand his mother shutting him out, I still do. I understand because I’ve been there. The worst feeling in the world for a child is to desperately need your parents and know that they’ll never, ever help you. It’s an unending, heartbreaking betrayal, and Owen understands that.
I feel myself slowly start to unwind as I press my face to his chest and the tension drains out of me. I missed him so much. Something about him holding me—his warmth and h
is comforting touch—gives me hope that somehow things will turn out all right after all. I bury myself in his loving embrace and breathe in his safe, familiar scent. I’m safe with him... I believe it now.
“Whatever happens,” he whispers to me, gently lifting my chin to look up at him, “I’m not going to let him hurt you. You won’t ever be alone with him.”
“Promise?” I ask. My voice is quiet and shaky, but inside my head, I’m screaming in desperation.
“Promise me! Promise me you’ll keep me safe, Owen!”
“I promise,” he answers, and I hug him as tightly as I can.
A bus squeals to a stop in front of us, and I suddenly remember that it’s Friday. We’ve been sitting out in the cold for hours together, and we still to go to class. The bus driver stares at us, closes the door and then departs when it’s clear we’re not getting on.
“When’s your bus?” I ask Owen, running my fingers softly through his hair.
“Well, that was it, actually.”
“Oh... sorry. You don’t need to wait around with me, you know.”
He presses his lips to mine, silencing both my protests and the feeling of guilt rising inside me. His fingers run slowly up the nape of my neck and then flit ticklishly along my hairline, making me shiver uncontrollably.
“I’ll catch the next bus,” he answers with a smile as he releases me from the kiss. “I... I’ve missed you, Maria.”
“I missed you too, I whisper back, and I kiss him again.
Owen draws me in tightly against him as he returns my love, and our kiss grows stronger and more passionate with each passing second. Holding him like this—feeling the warmth of his lips against mine—is everything I need right now. I’m so incredibly fragile, but as long as I have his love in my life, I know I’ll be okay. When we’re together, not even Darren can hurt me.
Friday, March 29 – 3:45 PM
Owen
I catch myself just before I drift off again and force myself to sit up straight. The professor drones on and on about population sampling validity, but even though population modeling is my worst class and I really need to pay attention, my mind keeps wandering off.
Found (Lost and Found #2, New Adult Romance) (Lost & Found) Page 9
