I can’t. Even thinking about it hurts.
I give her the biggest smile I can as I sit down beside her again, and I put my arm around her waist. It’s not time for ‘forever’ yet, but someday, I want to spend it with her.
Maria kisses me on the cheek, practically glowing with happiness, and her father glares suspiciously at me.
“How long, exactly, have you two known each other?”
“Four months,” I tell him with a smile, but it’s not really the truth.
The truth is that I’ve known Maria my entire life. It just didn’t start until we finally found each other.
Wednesday, May 22 – 10:15 PM
Maria
Between the bright, starry sky, the chirping crickets and the crackling campfire, this camping trip might be the most romantic date I’ve ever been on. A log on the campfire pops loudly and sends glowing embers dancing up into the night as I lay my head on Owen’s shoulder. I can’t imagine being any happier than I am right now. This is perfect.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” asks Owen, his arm around me. I nod back to him.
“I love the idea,” I tell him. “It’s... well, it’s a ceremony. It’s like what some people do with their textbooks when they graduate. My therapist says I don’t need it anymore, so I want to do this.”
“Alright—I was just checking,” he says with a smile. The fire casts dark, flickering shadows across his face and makes him look so handsome that I could just die.
I pull out my green notebook. I’ve given every nightmare a happy ending and closed out every page in the book, and now it’s time to give it up. I start ripping out pages and throwing them one by one into the fire. Darren burns. My pregnancy fears burn. Everything burns and bursts into bright white flames. The ink ignites and licks of green flame dance among the other colors.
“You’re trembling,” whispers Owen as he holds me close.
“I’ll be okay. It’s time,” I whisper, staring into the fire. “I don’t need to be scared anymore.”
The notebook burns to ashes, and with it go my nightmares. I’ll keep going to therapy, keep growing stronger with Owen, and soon I’ll be free.
“Maria... do you mind if I add something of mine to the fire?” asks Owen, and I look over my shoulder at him in surprise.
“No, I don’t mind at all. I just... I didn’t think you were going to do anything like that,” I stammer. “What is it?”
He releases me from his embrace, and I take in a sharp breath as he pulls a photograph out of his backpack. It’s his family photograph. He showed me it while he was hopped up on painkillers with a broken hand.
“It’s time for me to move on, too,” he whispers, and then he kneels beside the campfire and gently drops the photograph into the flames. The photograph lies in the fire seemingly untouched for a long time before the edges start to blacken and curl. The ink catches fire next and soon the entire photograph is ablaze in blue and white.
“Goodbye, Samantha. I love you,” he whispers as his family joins my notebook in the ashes. He sits down beside me again and I hug him tightly.
“You okay, sweetie?” I ask.
“I’m okay. Happy graduation,” he whispers as he runs his fingers gently through my hair. I snuggle up against him as his touch sends a wonderful shiver down my spine.
“Happy graduation to you too,” I whisper back. He graduated two years ago, really, but now he’s finally moving on. He’s coming with me to Boston and starting his PhD this fall. I’m so happy that we’re going to be together. I’ve never been one for fairy tales and unrealistic happy endings, but being with him is like a dream come true.
“I have something for you...”
I look up to see him holding out a little red box with a purple ribbon. The gift label reads “Beautiful Inside” in Owen’s atrocious, almost juvenile handwriting.
A huge smile works its way across my face. I know what this is. I know exactly what this is.
“You didn’t need to get me anything,” I whisper as I untie the ribbon.
“I wanted to,” he answers with a smile. “It’s a special occasion.”
Inside the box and matching its dull red exterior is a pomegranate. I pick it up, but as I go to break it open, I realize that it’s already been opened and sewn shut again. The stitches pop as I pull it open, and gleaming black pips tumble out into the box. He stuffed chocolate-covered pomegranate pips back into the husk and sewed it shut.
Beautiful inside... but you never know until it’s broken open.
I pull away and hold out two chocolate pips—one for him and one for me.
“You are amazing,” I whisper as we eat the pips, and then I kiss him—first softly and gently, then harder, more passionately, dragging my lips along his and tasting him.
“There’s something else inside the box,” he whispers when our kiss finally ends.
I stare down into the box, searching for the elusive second gift, and then I finally see the folded sheet of paper lying at the bottom. I’d mistaken it for part of the box.
I slowly pull out his letter, being careful not to spill the chocolate pips in the process, and my hands shake as I unfold it. Tears cloud my eyes by the end of the first paragraph, and by the time I’m done with his letter, I can’t help myself anymore. I start crying and throw my arms around him, holding him close as incomprehensible emotions course through my body.
The letter is beautiful. I... I don’t know what to say in response, but I can’t stop crying from happiness long enough to say anything anyway. I love him so much. I love that he cares about me like this.
“Forever,” I whisper into his ear. “I want you forever.”
“I’m yours,” he whispers back as he holds me close. “Happy graduation and happy foreverday.”
“Foreverday... I like it,” I say with a sniffle and a smile. “Happy foreverday.”
His lips find mine again in a passionate kiss, pouring out all his love and emotion, and a strong, heady feeling builds up inside me. Foreverday... I really like it. Suddenly, he slips his arm beneath my knees and picks me up in his arms. I let out an excited and slightly embarrassing squeal, and then I giggle as he carries me toward our tent on the other side of the crackling fire. I reach up and kiss him as he carries me, dragging my teeth gently along his lower lip and wrapping my arms around his neck.
As Owen lays me down on the sleeping bag, the flickering shadows of the campfire somehow accentuate every muscle of his body and make him look even more drop-dead gorgeous than usual. A powerful desire builds up inside me and takes control. My mouth crashes into his again, tasting the pomegranate on his tongue, exploring him, becoming one with him as the campfire pops and sizzles behind us.
Owen’s shirt comes off and then mine in a furious rush of longing, and then I pull him down on top of me. His scars form intricate, beautiful patterns on his skin in the warm, yellow light of the fire as he kisses me and explores my body with his hands—touching me, feeling me, pulling my jeans down my legs and then and then finding me beneath my clothes.
Desire clouds my mind as he leaves a fiery line of kisses from the waist of my panties up to my breasts, and then he reaches behind me and unhooks the clasp of my bra. I pull it off, toss it into the corner of the tent and then before Owen can do anything, I quickly push him over onto the sleeping bag and straddle him. I press my lips to his as I fumble with his jeans, kissing him with all the love I have until I finally get his pants off.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” he asks, gasping as I roll my hips against him, feeling his excitement through my underwear. “I... fuck, Maria—there’re no words for it. Just damn it, you’re beautiful.”
I start to laugh, and he pulls me down against him, kisses me so hard and with such passion that it almost hurts, and then rolls me over so that he’s on top again. I close my eyes and shiver in delighted anticipation as I feel his fingers close around the waist of my underwear. It slides slowly down my legs, catches just
briefly at my ankles until Owen lifts my legs, and then falls to the ground.
The fire outside slowly dies as the night goes on, but inside the tent, our love burns brightly until almost dawn. It’s the first day of forever and I can’t wait to see what the morning brings.
Thursday, June 20 – 11:00 AM
Maria
The bus bounces and shakes as it hits a pothole, jolting me awake as it lurches wildly back and forth. Boston’s public transportation may be nice, but its roads have a long way to go. I rub the sleep from my eyes, nearly punching myself in the face as we hit another pothole, and then stare out the window and try to zone out again.
Bounce. Lurch. Slam. Maybe I should just take in the view.
Owen is somehow still miraculously asleep, and as the bus takes a tight turn, he falls over in his seat and lands with his head nestled against my shoulder. How he can sleep through this kind of ride is one of the great mysteries of the universe.
A man in a green windbreaker and blue jeans gets on the bus at the next stop and sits down next to me. I’d scoot over to give him a little more room if Owen wasn’t asleep on top of me. The new passenger puts in a pair of headphones, turns on his music and minds his own business.
“See?” I tell myself. “It’s not so bad after all. Just be normal.”
I can handle sitting next to him. No problem there.
The next stop is ours according to my map. I nudge Owen until he finally wakes up, stand up and grab the hand rail, and reach out to take his hand.
“Hey, wake up sleepyhead!” I say, winking at him. “You’re gonna miss our stop.”
I wave to the driver and then drag Owen out of his seat as the bus pulls up to the stop. He should really go to bed earlier if he’s going to be this sleepy during the day. I lace my fingers through his and squeeze his hand, and as the doors hiss loudly and then creak open, we step out into the glaring sunlight.
An enormous crowd crowds around the door, waiting impatiently to board the bus, but our rental agent is easy to pick out from among them. She’s the brunette in the power-shouldered pantsuit with the enormous, gleaming white smile. She’s the one who doesn’t look willing to punch everyone around her to get a better seat on the bus.
I wave to her, and her already exuberant smile grows to comical proportions.
“Oh, hello there, Maria,” she greets me, shaking my hand so enthusiastically that I wonder if she’s on antidepressants. “And you must be... Owen? Did I say that right?”
I bite my tongue and try not to laugh. Are there other ways to pronounce it?
He nods and shakes her hand with a smile.
“It’s just so nice to finally meet the two of you,” she gushes. “I’ve got the perfect little place to show you today. It hits every single requirement on your list, and... oh I’ll just show you. It’s right this way.”
She takes off down the sidewalk, and Owen and I race after her.
“The apartment has a great little kitchen—a bit on the vintage side, but with so much character,” she calls back to us, weaving effortlessly through the crowd. “The building management company even lets you have an air conditioner if you want one, and they just last year installed renovated garden tubs in every unit with...”
“What the hell’s a garden tub?” Owen whispers to me.
“I have no idea,” I whisper back with a shrug and a grin. “I assume it’s not what it sounds like.”
“What, not a fan of outdoor bathing?” Owen teases and I elbow him in the ribs.
My phone beeps and vibrates in my pocket, and I yank it out to read the message.
Micah: Good luck with apt hunt! Call me when you find one. Love u.
My smile spreads from ear to ear as I read my brother’s words. I’m so glad he’s on our side.
My parents hate that Owen and I are moving in together, and even though I don’t care what they think about our decision, it’s nice to know that somebody in my family approves. My parents don’t know Owen’s story or what he’s been through, and they barely know me even though I’m their daughter. I never told them about what happened seven years ago and I never will, but the reason is different now.
Before, I kept my secret out of fear of rejection. Now, it’s not a secret anymore. It’s just history. I’m moving on and I’m not letting it control me anymore.
My brother and I are talking again. We’re slowly making up for lost years and rebuilding the bond we lost, and I’m so happy to have him back. He can’t stop gushing about how much he loves Owen, and I’m glad that someone else can see what I see in him.
Micah still feels guilty about what happened even though it wasn’t his fault, but he’s coming around now that he can see I’m doing better. I’m not perfect or anything, but I’m better. Owen and I have both lined up counseling here in Boston and we’ll be starting as soon as our new health insurance kicks in. It’s going to be a long journey, but step by step, we’re moving on.
The rental agent keeps babbling on and on about random apartment features that I couldn’t care less about, and I pretend to pay attention to her while flirting playfully with Owen. How do rental agents even have jobs in the age of the internet? Owen and I already checked out the apartment online, and we know it’s a fit for us. It’s halfway between my new job at Verta and Owen’s classes at Harvard, and on top of that, it’s only two blocks from a subway stop.
The DA dropped the case against Owen’s mother after she died, but Owen still has a lot of paperwork to do settling out his family’s estate. Apart from that, the summer is ours until I begin my new job in August. I’m excited to start work, excited to have graduated—excited about so many things, really—but most of all, I’m overjoyed at starting my new life with Owen. I’m almost giddy over exploring Boston with him and I can’t wait to explore us together.
The phone beeps again and I laugh happily as I read the next message rolling in.
Tina: Found your note. Will kill you when I visit in October. <3
The last thing I did before moving out was to steal one of Tina’s pink bunny slippers and replace it with a blue one. I left a note telling her that I’m holding it hostage in my suitcase—the perfect guarantee that she’ll visit the first chance she gets. As for what she’ll do to me when she gets here... well, that can wait until October.
The rental agent stops in front of a tall, brick building and turns to us with a grand gesture as if she’s an artist revealing her magnum opus. It’s just our apartment building—I recognize it from the photographs.
“There’s one teeny little detail I should warn you about,” she says nervously as she walks up to the front door. “The building has a lot of history and character to it, but with that comes a little inconvenience...”
“Meaning what?” asks Owen. He sounds about as sick of the realtor-speak as I feel right now.
“Well... unfortunately, your unit is on the third floor and there’s no elevator,” she tells us apologetically, her voice almost thick with fake remorse. “Do you think that you two can live with that?”
Owen starts to laugh and then shakes his head as he puts his arm around me. I lean into him and kiss him on the cheek. He’s thinking the same thing I am. After where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome—after finding each other at the bridge—climbing two flights of stairs seems downright trivial.
“Yeah... I don’t think a few stairs are going to stop us,” I answer with a smile.
Nothing’s going to stop us. Together, Owen and I can do anything.
Dear Maria,
I have no idea how to thank you for what you did last night or for taking me to counseling this morning. I’ve never felt as lost and completely alone as I did last night, never hated myself as much as I did when I saw how much I’d hurt you.
Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything you’ve ever been to me. Thank you for making me whole again.
Even more, I hope someday that I’ll have the chance to thank you for all the
things you’ve yet to become. I want to be there to grow with you. You’re everything to me, and to the end of my days, I will never deserve you.
But... as long as you’ll have me, I’m yours. If you want me forever, I’m yours forever.
Love,
Owen
Nadia Simonenko is a scientist and author currently living in Lancaster with her husband, two cats and a dog. When she isn’t writing, she develops new drug formulations and dreams about someday getting to take a vacation.
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