by Dana R. Lynn
“Goodbye, Isaac,” she said, proud that her voice didn’t shake, even though she was trembling inside. “Thank you for everything. I appreciate it.”
She kept her face calm. He flashed one more quick smile at her before striding back to his car. He didn’t look at her as he backed up. In seconds he was gone; the only proof that he had been there was the dust that his car had left in its wake.
SEVENTEEN
“What are you still doing here?”
Isaac glanced away from his computer screen to find Ryder hovering in the doorway. Ryder had changed out of his uniform. Isaac knew that he had plans to go and visit friends that weekend. Briefly, his eyes slid back to the document that was open on his screen. How would Ryder react when he told him what he was doing? He hadn’t purposely misled his friend, but neither had he exactly openly communicated what he was thinking.
“Hey, buddy,” he hedged. “I thought you left half an hour ago.”
Ryder shrugged, his expression nonchalant, although his dark eyes were vivid with curiosity. “I was planning on it. I had some last-minute things that I needed to take care of. The question is, what are you doing here? I thought that you were off the clock. I saw you go out to your car.”
Isaac sighed. He might as well come clean. He knew why he was hesitating. Ryder was the best friend he had ever had. While he knew he was making the right decision, he dreaded the thought that his decision might adversely affect that friendship. After all, his decision meant his whole way of life would change.
“I have decided to write my letter of resignation.” He stared at the other man, trying to gauge his reaction.
Ryder’s eyes popped open so wide it was amazing his eyeballs didn’t fall right out of his head. “Dude, are you for real? You’re quitting?”
There wasn’t anything he could do to hold back the flinch at his friend’s reaction. Still, it could have been worse. What he couldn’t tell was if there was more than shock in Ryder’s voice.
“Yes, I’m quitting. I wasn’t made to be a cop, not like you are. I became a cop because I felt I had something to prove. I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s time I went home.”
He let the silence fall between them. Hopefully, this wouldn’t be a chasm they couldn’t get past.
But Ryder surprised him. After his initial shocked reaction, the other man seemed to take the information in stride. In fact, Isaac was surprised to see what looked like a grin fighting to form on Ryder’s face.
“I was wondering when you were going to come to your senses,” Ryder remarked. All Isaac could do was stare at him. “Isaac, man, I’ve known for the last two months that your heart wasn’t in the job. Ever since Lizzy went home you’ve been going through the motions, but anyone could see that you weren’t happy. I will admit to wondering if you would ever go home. When I saw you at your mother’s house, you just seemed to fit there, even with the urgency of the situation. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you never really fit in here. I never understood why until then.”
Isaac felt as though something heavy fell from his shoulders. He hadn’t realized until that moment how much he had wanted his friend to be okay with his decision.
“So, you’re going to go find Lizzy, right?” Ryder raised an eyebrow and leaned his shoulder against the wall. “I mean, that is what this conversation is about, isn’t it?”
Isaac was already shaking his head. “I can’t go after her. Not yet.”
“Why ever not?” Ryder wasn’t grinning now.
“Because I have to do this for the right reasons. Lizzy is a baptized member of the Amish church. She would never agree to marry a man who wasn’t Amish.”
Ryder rolled his eyes, as if he wasn’t even sure why they were having this conversation. “Dude, it’s simple. If she needs you to be Amish again, then become Amish.”
“There are things I have to do first. And I want to be sure that I can become Amish and really live that life with my whole heart. It’s been seven years since I left. I have to be completely committed to that life, and to God first. Once I join the church, there’s no going back.”
He didn’t think that would be an issue. It seemed like the past seven years had been leading up to this point. But he wasn’t taking any chances. His happiness, and he thought Lizzy’s, as well, relied on him making the right choice and following through with his whole heart. If he married her, but wasn’t committed to the church, that would only lead to both of them suffering. He could not do that to her.
There was something else on his mind.
“If everything works out and she agrees to marry me, you’ll come to the wedding, right?” he asked, serious. “If it were an Englisch wedding, I’d ask you to be best man, but we don’t have that in Amish weddings.”
“Will I be allowed?” For the first time since the conversation started, Ryder appeared hesitant. “We’ll still be friends, right?”
Isaac snorted. “Idiot. Of course we’ll be friends. I will need to get the bishop’s permission, but outsiders attend Amish weddings all the time. You won’t be able to sit with community, but you’d be there.”
A smile flashed his way. “Then finish your letter and go to it. And I expect to be kept in the loop.”
“That’s my plan.” Isaac turned back to his computer screen as the hard clatter made by Ryder’s cowboy boots faded. He heard the office door open and the whisper as it swung shut. Then he shut everything out and focused on the letter that would sever his connection to the job he had held for the past few years as he searched for his place in the world. Never had he dreamed it would lead him back to his Amish roots.
Two weeks later, Isaac said his final farewells to his coworkers and headed to his apartment for the last time, to pack. It didn’t take him long. By eight the next morning, he had handed in his keys.
“That’s all you’re taking with you?” Ryder raised a skeptical brow when Isaac tossed a single duffel bag into the bed of Ryder’s pickup truck.
“Yup. I won’t have much use for most of the things I owned.” Isaac climbed up into the passenger seat and fastened his seat belt. “I appreciate the ride.”
Ryder backed up, checking over his shoulder to make sure there was no oncoming traffic. “Not a problem. I knew you’d need someone to get you to your mother’s place, seeing as you sold your truck.”
Isaac had been able to sell his truck to one of the tenants at the apartment. It was amazing how freeing it had felt getting rid of most of his possessions.
He’d miss the truck, he mused. It had been convenient, but it had felt right to get rid of it.
The sun was streaming down and baking the earth when they pulled up the long winding drive that led to the old farmhouse where his mother still lived with his younger sister. She came out the door and stood on the porch when Ryder stopped his truck and stilled the engine. She’d been cooking something, probably honey biscuits. There was a smudge of flour on her left cheek.
She didn’t look surprised to see him.
Suddenly, he was anxious to greet her. He stepped from the truck, and was assailed with the familiar aromas of the farm. Flowers and fresh mowed grass, baking biscuits and the cows in the field. All the scents of home.
“Mamm,” he said, looking up at her. “I’d like to come back. I want to return to the Amish life.”
The smile that split across her face rivaled the sun in its brilliance. She blinked her eyes. He started to smile, then realized his own vision was blurry. Any worries he might have still had about his mother’s welcome were squashed as she reached out and embraced him.
Later, he went to the room where he had slept growing up. The clothes he’d worn so recently while he and Lizzy had stayed with his family were still there, waiting for him to put them on.
It felt a bit odd exchanging the blue jeans he’d grown used to for the dark trousers Amish men wore. He also
had to get over the habit of reaching for his phone. He had grown very comfortable with modern technology, but he was determined to give this way of life his best shot.
His conversation with the bishop went better than he had expected.
“Your father had faith that you would return one day,” the bishop told him. “He wasn’t angry with you when you left. He was giving you the extra time you needed to make a decision. You were never baptized into the church. You were free to leave if that was your wish.”
The bishop insisted that Isaac live with the Plain community for another season before he would agree to baptize him. Isaac didn’t like it, but he understood why. The bishop wanted him to be sure. Isaac was sure, and he chafed against spending so much additional time apart from Lizzy, but he knew he had to choose this life for himself, not for her. So he agreed and tried to wait patiently.
Every night, he asked God to watch over her and keep her safe. And one day soon, he hoped to go and claim her as his bride. He just prayed she’d have him.
* * *
Six months. She hadn’t seen Isaac for six months.
She knew she should give up all her hopes that he would come to find her. That would mean that he had decided to return to the Amish way of life. Something that he had been decided against doing. She knew his reasons. Isaac had so much pain stored up inside him.
Lizzy sighed and shut the door behind her, starting the trek home after helping another life into the world. Six months ago, she had thought this life she had chosen would be enough to satisfy the yearnings in the deepest part of her being, the part where she had buried dreams of family and her own forever love.
She’d been a fool.
She cherished each baby still, and knew herself blessed to be able to help these new mothers. But she also knew herself to be lonely. And all because Isaac had come into her life with his deep blue-gray eyes and his shy grin and had burrowed in her heart. Even six months later, her cheeks warmed at the thought of the way he had looked at her. And at the memory of the sweet kiss they had exchanged.
Stop it, Lizzy! She admonished herself for dwelling on things that could never be. Isaac was not Amish, and she would never leave her faith for a man. No matter how much she loved him. God must always come first.
Sometimes, though, staying the course hurt almost more than she could stand.
Cold, wet flakes hit her forehead and melted against the warmth of her cheeks. Casting her gaze to the late October sky, she blinked as more of the delicate flakes landed on her lashes, misting her vision. She was surprised to find that it had begun to snow while she was caught up in reminiscing. It hadn’t been that cold when she had left the house that morning. She sniffed, appreciating the mingled scents of wood smoke and the cold air. Her heart was broken, but she could still find a small measure of cheer in the beauty around her.
After a few moments, she began to shiver as the cold sank deeper into her bones. She needed to stop woolgathering and get home. Her mother was making stew for dinner. Lizzy’s stomach began to grumble with hunger as the thought of tasting her mother’s cooking made her mouth water. Crossing her arms tight across her middle, she increased her pace; her boots made loud squishy noises as she trod on the road, still wet from the rain that had fallen the day before.
The wind kicked up, and her heavy black cloak flapped against her legs as she walked briskly toward the house where she still lived with her parents and younger siblings. She stomped through a puddle left from the day before, and winced, knowing her black stockings and the hem of her dark blue dress were now soaked. She could feel the wet stockings sticking to her legs.
Was it starting to snow where Isaac was? For a moment she allowed her thoughts to stray briefly to the man who had captured her heart so easily, despite all of her efforts to hold herself emotionally distant from him. She wondered if he was outside in the cold, or if he was sitting in his patrol car. Was he safe, or was he doing something in the line of duty that was putting his life in danger?
Was he feeling as lonely as she was? Even though they had both made their own choices, her heart ached that he might be suffering or unhappy.
Or maybe he was getting on with his life just fine without her. Startled by the thought that flashed across her mind, she halted, ignoring the wet mix of rain and snow that continued to pelt her. She didn’t want him to be unhappy, but nor did she want him to forget her, to forget the brief time they had together.
Enough! She had to stop this. If she kept dwelling on him, she would only make herself miserable.
Lizzy knew the truth, though. She was already miserable. She did everything she was supposed to do. She followed the rules and she lived a good life; she went on house calls when it was necessary, she loved her family with her whole heart and she did her best to be a help to her mother.
Deep in her soul, though, she woke up every morning yearning to see the man who had made her pulse race. And she went to bed each and every night a little sadder that another day had passed without any word from him. Not that she expected one. She didn’t. And even if she had once harbored the idea that she might see him again, she knew that it was impossible. She didn’t even fool herself into believing that just seeing him one more time would be enough. She wanted him for life. It broke her heart, the knowledge that she would never be his wife.
Shaking herself out of her morose thoughts, she quickened her pace once more as she rounded the bend, and her family’s farmhouse rose into view, almost as if it just appeared out of nothing. She bent her head, allowing her black bonnet to take the brunt of the falling precipitation, and trudged up the gravel driveway to the front porch. With her head down, she had climbed three of the six steps before she realized someone was standing on the porch in front of her.
A masculine pair of legs covered in dark trousers stood before her. Briefly, she thought it was one of her older brothers, and she frowned, annoyed that he was standing in her way. She raised her face to tell her brother to move so she could get into the house before she froze to death. As her eyes traveled up to his face, however, all thoughts of complaining stuttered to a halt.
The thick blond hair fell just a hint too short to fit in with the Amish men she knew. Almost as if the wearer was growing it out from a very short hairstyle. The face below the wide-brimmed hat was clean-shaven, indicating that he was single. Barely daring to breathe, she forced herself to meet those blue-gray eyes that she had dreamed about for so many months, afraid to believe the truth of what her vision was telling her.
They gazed back at her, earnest, as if he could convince her of his purpose by his glance alone. The familiar warmth was there, without the wall that had always stood between them.
Isaac was back, and he was Amish.
Joy threatened to break free; she chained it down, fettering its wings inside her chest. She couldn’t give in to it, not yet. Not until she knew that he was committed to staying. To the church and to her. She moved up the last three steps, then stopped.
“Liz.”
The sound of her name in that husky voice broke some barrier in her heart. Tears gathered in her eyes and slipped out of the corners. They tracked down her cheeks. Isaac took a small step closer and wiped them away gently with his long fingers. A sob burst from her at the tenderness in his expression.
“Isaac,” she gasped on a hiccup. “You’re here. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. The way you’re dressed—are you really Plain?”
“I am. Your mamm said we could talk undisturbed in the kitchen. Or we can stay here?” The last word came out in a question.
She was cold, and the kitchen would be more comfortable, but she didn’t want to go inside yet. Even though Mamm said they could talk privately in the kitchen, she knew that the family was in the house. She wanted a few more minutes with him by herself before they took this visit indoors.
“We’ll stay out here,” he stated, clear
ly reading her intentions.
“You don’t mind?”
He shrugged. “I don’t care. As long as you and I iron some things out, I’m good standing in a full snowstorm.”
She allowed a smile to tip the corners of her mouth as he took her hand and led her to the swing on the porch. It was still dry, so she sat down on it. Isaac didn’t sit. He leaned his back against the post on the porch and stretched his legs out in front of him.
“First, yes, I am Amish now. I quit my job four months ago and went home. I had several long talks with the bishop and we gave it a few months to make sure that joining the church was what I wanted. Don’t be offended, Liz, but I knew that I couldn’t join the church just so that I could marry you.”
Her heart decided to climb up into her throat as she listened.
“You didn’t join the church for me?” she asked, the opposite of offended. Living Plain took some sacrifice. He had to want the life, and not just her.
His glance swiftly scanned her expression. She smiled to encourage him to continue. He relaxed.
“Nee. I joined the church because God called me back home, and this is the life I want, whether you want me or not.”
Her bruised heart was healing with every word. “I am so glad, Isaac. And I do. I do want you.”
He flashed her the grin she remembered. “Good. Because I am in love with you, Elizabeth Miller. Would you marry me?”
Before she could blink, he was sitting on the swing beside her, offering her his hand, and his heart.
“Isaac, I love you, too. Jah, I will be your wife.”
EPILOGUE
The sun wasn’t even up yet when Lizzy slipped from her bed. She was far too excited to sleep any longer. She hadn’t thought this day would ever arrive, but it was finally here. Dressing quickly, she hurried down the stairs to assist with the early-morning chores for her last time as a single woman. She headed out to the barn to milk the cows.
