by Jim Benton
messages to the biotics.
“Well, they’re good sometimes and bad other
times,” she said. Then she went on to tell us about
all different kinds of these little fellas, and how
some help us, and some harm us.
I thought it was weird how they all have this
huge effect on us, but none of them even have the
brainpower to know that we exist. Doesn’t it seem
like we should be able to trick them into infecting
mannequins? Or even photographs of ourselves?
108
After class, I talked to Isabella about
Angeline’s little plot yesterday.
“I can hardly believe that Angeline did that,”
Isabella said. “Seriously, that is some quality
scheming. I think I may have a position for her in
my organization. She’s a natural.”
Is she? I mean, how could sweet little
super-nice Angeline even operate on that level?
Wednesday 25
Dear Dumb Diary,
Before school today, Assistant Principal
Devon stopped me in the hall and asked me to come
to his office.
He pulled a little box from his desk drawer
and showed it to me. It was a necklace — a
beautiful little gold heart on a chain.
“What do you think?” he said.
“Thanks!” I said, reaching for the necklace,
which he quickly pulled away.
“No, it’s not for you. It’s for your Aunt Carol.
Thursday is our one-year anniversary.”
“No, it isn’t,” I said.
“Yes, it is,” he said.
“NO. IT. ISN’T.”
“YES. IT. IS . It’s the one-year anniversary
of our engagement.”
I had to count on my fingers. Oh, man. He
was right.
110
Since Uncle Dan is one of the Very Recently
Married, he actually remembers things like this.
My dad doesn’t remember any dates, not even his
actual wedding anniversary, much less the dumb
unofficial anniversaries like engagements. To
prevent problems, my mom writes reminders and
tapes them to his underwear.
One time, he missed one until he got to a
doctor’s appointment. He pulled off his pants
and the doctor saw a note that read, IT’S
SOMEBODY’S BIRTHDAY taped to my dad’s
underpants. The weird thing was, it really was his
doctor’s birthday.
Now he has a different doctor.
111
I asked Uncle Dan if Aunt Carol knew it was
their engagement anniversary, and he laughed.
“Of course she knows, Jamie! Your Aunt Carol
is very sentimental about things like this.”
Aunt Carol stopped by the house kind of late
tonight — she was dropping off a carton of milk
that she had picked up for my mom at the store. I
was already in my pajamas. And by pajamas, I mean
clothes I probably should have thrown out but am
still willing to wear under blankets in the dark.
112
“Shopping, huh?” I asked, grinning. I figured
she had been out buying an anniversary gift for
Uncle Dan.
“Yes,” she said, looking puzzled.
“Getting something nice for Uncle Dan?”
“I got him some peanut butter for his
lunches. I never knew how much he liked it before.”
“You know what I mean,” I said. “Your
anniversary. It’s tomorrow.”
“No, it’s not,” she said, and we kind of
recreated the entire conversation I’d had earlier
with Uncle Dan.
113
Finally, after counting on her fingers, she
admitted it.
“Oh, I guess it is,” she said. “But I’m not
going to worry about it. I’m sure he didn’t
remember.”
Dad nodded. He agreed that nobody should
remember anything.
I made a groany, burpy swallowing sound, and
Mom and Aunt Carol eyed me suspiciously.
“He DID remember, didn’t he?” Aunt Carol
said. I tried to make it up the stairs without
responding, but when anniversary presents are
involved, old ladies like Mom and Aunt Carol can
move a lot faster than you think, and they caught
me before I was even halfway up.
“He did remember,”I said, knowing
that they could torture it out of me anyway.Why
delay things? “He got you a beautiful necklace, and
he’s so excited to give it to you.”
114
Aunt Carol started freaking out. Most of the
stores were closed, and there was really no time to
go shopping anyway because she was already late.
Then Uncle Dan would totally know she had waited
until the last second to get him something.
I went into the kitchen and quickly put
together a fine assortment of canned goods in a
basket with a ribbon. I made a glittery little card
that read:
I was pretty proud of the idea, but when I
brought it back out into the living room, Aunt Carol
had calmed down.
“It’s a great idea, Jamie,” she said in that
voice adults use when something is not a great
idea. “But we figured it out.”
My dad smiled and nodded.
115
Thursday 26
Dear Dumb Diary,
Today was the day they took Uncle Dan’s
photo. Aunt Carol even got me and Angeline out of
class so we could be part of his big moment.
The cameraman had set up some big fancy
lights, and was fussing over every detail in the
background.
Before they took the photos, Uncle Dan
grabbed Aunt Carol around the waist and pulled her
close. It was so manly that I wanted to scream.
“Happy anniversary,” he said, handing her
the little box. She opened the necklace, put it on
right away, and looked like she might cry.
“I got something for you, too,” she said,
handing him a box.
He laughed and hugged her and opened it —
it was full of monkeyvomit.
116
It was Dad’s monkeyvomit tie.
“It’s beautiful!” Uncle Dan said.
At first I thought he was just being polite, but
then I realized that Uncle Dan is almost a teacher,
and teachers really love ugly ties best of all.
“Did you make this?” he asked her, his eyes
filled with admiration.
He pulled off his old tie and put on the new
one. Aunt Carol shot me a look to indicate that I
had better not say a word.
“I did,” she lied.
Angeline nudged me.
“That tie,” she whispered. “That horrible tie
is going to be around his neck in that photo until
the end of time.”
I responded carefully, so as not to lose the bet.
“I didn’t realize that you knew so much about
men’s fashion, Angeline,” I whispered back.
117
“He can’t wear that,” she whispered louder.
“Do something.”
“You do something,”I whispered
back.
“She’s YOUR aunt.”
“She’s your aunt now, too,” I said, but I knew
Angeline was right.
Uncle Dan stepped in front of the camera,
and the cameraman scowled a bit.
“Going with that tie, are you?” he asked.
“I sure am,” Uncle Dan said proudly.“My
wife made it for me.”
I realized that I had no choice. I was going to
lose the bet.
“Uncle Dan, can I say something?”
“Sure, Jamie, what is it?”
I took a deep breath. “It’s about that tie.”
“Okay.What’s on your mind?” he asked kindly.
118
“If we were to take three feet of wrappings
off a decaying mummy, drag it through a pigsty, dip
it in toad slobber, and leave it at the bottom of a
birdcage for six years, we would have a tie that
would still be a thousand times better-
looking than that smeary mess you have tied
around your neck right now.”
I also may have said a swear word or two in
there. I don’t remember. It was three weeks’ worth
of mean coming out all at once.
Uncle Dan just stood there with his mouth open.
Aunt Carol did the same.
The cameraman nodded in agreement and
chimed in.
“In particular, the kid’s right about the toad
slobber,” he said.
Angeline picked up the other tie.
“This one, on the other hand, is beautiful. It’s
classy, and dignified, and exactly the look we want
for our beloved uncle and respected assistant
principal,” she said, handing it to him as though it
was some sort of priceless artifact.
119
“They’re right,” Aunt Carol said. “Wear
the other tie.”
Uncle Dan put the nice tie on and gently
handed the monkeyvomit tie to Aunt Carol.
“Take care of this, please. You made it for
me, and so it will always be my favorite tie.”
Aunt Carol gave me a threatening glance.
I obviously wasn’t supposed to reveal who had
actually made the tie. I gave her a thumbs-up
to indicate that I was in on this crime with her.
120
It’s Thursday, so they were testing a new
menu item at lunch today. They called it Tropical
Surprise.
Of course it was totally unappetizing, but
mostly I didn’t feel like eating because I was too
busy swallowing my pride to confess to Isabella.
“I lost the bet,” I said, “but I was only
mean because it was the nicest thing I could do.
When you say something mean to be nice, it should
count as niceness,” I said.
“Jelly beans should count as beans,” Isabella
said with a wicked grin. “But add them to your
mom’s chili and watch what happens.”
“So I’m getting the dare, huh?” I said.
“Oh, yes,” she said happily. “Oh yes yes
yes yes yes yes.”
“One for me, too,”Angeline said. “I lost, too.”
“No, she didn’t,” I said.
“I did, Jamie. It was all part of the same
conversation. You said one tie was ugly, I said one
was beautiful. I also lost.”
121
Isabella began to visibly shake, and I realized
why. After years of not getting to play Dare or Worse
Dare with anyone, now she was getting to play it
with TWO PEOPLE all at once.
She was so overwhelmed with joy that she
actually threw up right there on the cafeteria
floor, which grossed out everybody pretty badly
except me.
“Hey,I have a couple of shirts that would go
with that,” I said.
122
Friday 27
Dear Dumb Diary,
We had our final debates in social studies
today. Isabella was absent, and I know why. It
wasn’t because she still felt sick. It was because
she wanted all day to focus on our dares. Heck, it
wouldn’t surprise me if she had even made herself
throw up so that she could stay home today. Isabella
can will herself to perform just about any bodily
function at any moment, including sweat. It’s a
talent.
Since Isabella wasn’t there, Dicky suggested
that he just debate himself, because he had been
working so closely with Isabella that he knew
exactly what she would say. Besides, he often
talked to himself in the shower.
Before Dicky began to describe the shower
conversations — and he was preparing to — Mr.
Smith said that Dicky had won by forfeit so he got
to pick the subject for the next pair of debaters: me
and Angeline.
“Very well,” Dicky said in his most dignified
lisp. “I challenge both of thee to tell us why the
OTHER ONE is a better person.”
Mr. Smith’s eyes widened.
“Each debater must say why the other is
better,” he said quietly, as if he was saying some
sort of magic spell. “It means that if you lose,
you win. . . .”
Angeline went first.
“I can’t tell you how jealous I am of Jamie,”
she said, and I think I swallowed my gum.
“She’s really great at writing and drawing. She’s a
super-loyal best friend to Isabella, and she admits
when she loses a bet. She’s funny, and smart, and a
good dancer, and she was right and I was wrong
about the Hotdog Fiesta.
“She’s actually right about a lot of things,
if you give her some time to figure them out. I
couldn’t have a better cousin, although I’m pretty
sure we’re not really cousins. Without a doubt, she’s
a better person than I am.”
For a moment I didn’t know what to say.
And for the moment after that, I still didn’t.
Somewhere around the fourth or fifth
moment, I knew, and I stood up to speak.
“I used to be jealous of Angeline because
she’s beautiful. She’s so beautiful that it actually
hurts my feelings to look at her face. For years, I’ve
been hoping that she would turn out to be really
mean or really selfish or really stupid, or that the
beautiful would just fall off her like when my
parakeet molted from a beautiful bird to a living,
breathing McNugget.
“But she hasn’t. Angeline is really and truly
nice, but not just because she was born that way.
Nobody is born that nice. Bunnies aren’t born that
nice. Angeline works at being nice. That doesn’t mean
it isn’t genuine.Work is genuine.Believe me, I tried it.
“In fact, what you just naturally are isn’t
really much to be proud of. It’s the things you work
at, the things you do on purpose, that are
accomplishments.
“Angeline is always a good friend to me even
though I don’t deserve it, and I have a feeling that
if I was ever locked away in jail, Isabella might try
to break me out with dynamite, but Angeline would
&nbs
p; be able to explain to the warden why I deserved
to be released.
“I used to be jealous of Angeline because
she’s beautiful.Now I realize that there is so
much more to be jealous of.”
125
It’s almost impossible to hug a friend in front
of a class full of people. But Angeline comes in
pretty fast for a hug, and I was hugged before I
knew what hit me.
As I stood there, being strangled badly by
Angeline, I realized where she was getting her
meanness: Angeline feels jealous. Not of hair, or
beauty— she’s jealous of the things she thinks she
doesn’t have. It was just as hard for Angeline to say
those things about me as it was for me to say them
about her.
Hudson turned to Mr. Smith and asked him
who won, but he was still puzzling over the way
Dicky had set up the debate.
“How did you ever come up with something so
fiendish?” he asked Dicky,who just shrugged and
stuck his thumb in his belly button.
126
When I got home, I told Mom that Uncle Dan
really liked the tie, and that Aunt Carol told him
that she made it.
“It meant a lot to Uncle Dan. He said it’s his
favorite tie in the world.”
Mom’s chin wrinkled, and she touched one
hand lightly over her heart.
“So I think you’d better not make any of your
homemade clothing items for a while,” I went on.
“At least until he forgets about it. We don’t want
to spoil things for Aunt Carol.”Mom nodded in
agreement.
I looked at Dad and silently mouthed the
words, “Now you owe me, and I want Chinese food.”
“I got the promotion,” he said with a grin.
“Who wants Chinese food?”
127
Saturday 28
Dear Dumb Diary,
Today, Angeline and I stood before Isabella
to meet our fates. She had dressed all in black,
