He was looking down at his phone when I opened the door and climbed up into the passenger’s seat. He looked over at me, the corner of his mouth curling upward, and slid the key into the ignition.
Then he reversed out of the station, and we hit the road. He didn’t say anything and neither did I. There was nothing that needed to be said.
And I’d finally learned to enjoy the comfortable silence.
32
Katie
I kicked my pink fuzzy-slippered feet up onto the coffee table and lifted my over-steeped cup of chai tea to my lips as I looked at the painting I’d hung above my fireplace.
It was an oil painting of Paris, a city I had always wanted to travel to, done in deep shades of blue and purple to capture the city at night. The sky was speckled with silver dots to represent stars, and gold glittery paint marked the lights in houses and on the Eiffel tower. It was beautiful, and I’d sat in this same spot for the last three nights since I bought it just staring at it.
I couldn’t believe it took me so long to finally make this place feel like my home.
In addition to the Eiffel tower picture, I had placed a couple frames on surfaces throughout the house with pictures of me and Emily, me and my mom, and me and some of my coworkers from the hospital and friends from nursing school. I was surrounded by good memories in every room, and as I sipped my tea, I almost felt content.
Almost.
I was aware of a dark hole inside me that still needed to be filled.
New pictures hadn’t done it, a day at the beach basking in the sun hadn’t done it, and neither had an impromptu trip to the mall to buy a bunch of new clothes I didn’t need.
I sighed and rested my head against the back of the sofa.
As I was about to turn on the TV for a distraction, my front door opened, and Emily came in. She was in her powder-blue scrubs and running shoes and had her blonde hair up in a bun. Her face was makeup free, and she looked tired. She must have just gotten off a twelve-hour shift.
“Hey,” I said, and I nodded to the kitchen. “I just boiled the kettle for some tea. There’s hot water left if you want to pour yourself some.”
Emily hung her work bag on the hook beside my front door and padded into my kitchen. “Tea sounds lovely. I’ve had the day from Hell. You picked the perfect time to take some vacation. Seriously.”
I took my feet off the coffee table and went to join her in the kitchen as she poured hot water over a tea bag in the mug she always used when she was at my house. It was white with a gold handle and a picture of a peacock on the front.
“Why was today so terrible?” I asked.
Emily blew out a big, dramatic sigh, and pulled her hair out of its bun. It tumbled down her back, and she worked her fingers through her hair, pausing at the top of her scalp to massage her head. “Well, we were short by two nurses, and the doctors were running three hours behind. The waiting room was packed to the point where there were no chairs available. People were standing. And of course, there’s assholes sitting down who only need a splint for their broken finger while a ninety-two-year-old woman has come in because her vertigo is so bad, and nobody offers her a seat. I went out there on my break and gave them a piece of my mind.”
“You did?” Damn. I would have liked to see that.
“I did. I don’t know what happened. I guess I was just so frustrated with how the day was going that by hour nine, I couldn’t hack it anymore, and I went out there and let them have it.”
“Did anyone give you a hard time?”
She shrugged. “A couple people complained about how long their waits were. But that’s normal, and there’s literally nothing I can do about it. I told them to think about wait times before they try some stupid skateboarding stunt.” I chuckled, and Emily grabbed a spoon from my drawer to swirl her teabag around in the water. She was impatient. She took the teabag out, threw it in the garbage, and slurped the tea from the edge of the mug. “Delicious.”
“Want to sit?”
Emily and I walked back to the sofa. We dropped down into the two opposite ends and enjoyed our tea. Emily nodded at the Paris picture. “I still can’t get over how perfectly it ties in with your space. It’s like it’s always been there.”
“Right?”
“You’re still happy with it?”
“I love it.”
“Is the price tag still on the back?”
I blushed. I had a bad habit of leaving the price on everything. That way, if it turned out I changed my mind weeks later, I could return it. “Yes,” I said.
Emily shook her head at me. “You’re so silly. You’re not going to return it. Come on, it’s perfect. Take it off.”
“I’m not ready.”
“Can I do it?”
I stared at her over the edge of my coffee cup. “Fine.”
Emily kicked her legs up and hopped off the couch. She went over to the picture above the fireplace and peered at the side of the canvas, where she eventually found the barcode sticker. She peeled it off, rolled it into a ball, and grinned at me before saying in a deep and dramatic voice, “There’s no going back now.”
I giggled. “You’re such a dork.”
“I know,” she said, her voice chipper. She came back and sat on the sofa beside me. She tucked her legs up under herself and held her mug in both hands.
As I averted my gaze and sipped my tea, I could feel her eyes on me. “Yes?”
“I ran into Derek today in the ER.”
“Oh.” There was nothing else to say. I didn’t dare ask how he was doing. I was afraid she’d say he was doing well. Why did I want him to not be doing well? Why did I hope he was as miserable as I was?
Emily nodded. “He asked me how you were doing.”
“What did you tell him?” I asked a little too quickly.
Emily didn’t let on that she caught my eagerness, even though I was sure she had. “I told him you had put up pictures in your apartment. And that you had taken some time off work. He was more than disappointed to hear you wouldn’t be there for another couple of weeks.”
I licked my lips. “It’s for the best.”
“I also found out that he’s not going back to search and rescue.”
“What?”
Emily nodded. “He’s going to stay on shift with Allen, working in the ambulance. He said he requested it.”
What did that mean? He wanted to stay on the ambulance shift? “I thought he hated working in the box,” I mumbled.
“The box?”
“It’s what they call the ambulance.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Firemen.”
I smiled. “Yeah. Firemen.” I wanted to ask if he’d said anything else, but I didn’t want to give Emily any more ammo to tell me to talk to him again. So I sat quietly, hoping she would continue.
She did. “He said he was thankful for what we did for him by getting a hold of the chief and going to the police station to try to plead his case. He knows things would have gone differently had you not gone after him and tried to help. He’s also thankful you didn’t talk to that bitchy reporter.”
“I would never have talked to her.”
“I know.” Emily went quiet. I didn’t dare look at her. “Katie?”
“Yes?”
“He’s one of the good ones.”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t talk about this anymore. I couldn’t feel like my soul was being torn in half. My brain was telling me to stay away from him, but my heart was weeping and yearning to be with him. I knew what it meant. I loved him.
“Katie, talk to me. How long are you going to keep doing this?”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t be with him. I told myself—”
“I know what you told yourself,” Emily said. Her tone was firm. This wasn’t the gentle, careful, sweet Emily I was used to. This was the Emily who was about to tell me the truth, and she wasn’t going to hold back. She only ever
did this when she really believed in something. And she was almost always right. “You are standing in the way of your own happiness, Katie, and it’s driving me fucking crazy. Derek is a good man. He’s proven it over and over. Yes, he beat up Brian. But you know what? I’m glad he did. I feel better for it. I feel like a bit of justice was served. Yes, he lost control. But he would never, ever do anything to hurt you. You know that and so do I. So, if that’s your reason for letting him go, you’re being an idiot. If there is another reason, by all means tell me.”
I licked my lips.
“But you and I know there isn’t another reason,” she said. “It’s all just bullshit. You’re afraid to go all in. You’ve always been afraid of it. But this time is different. He’s different. And I’ve never seen you as happy as you were when you were with him. I know that sounds like a cheesy, cliché line from a sappy movie, but I’m serious. He’s good for you.”
“How do I make it up to him?” I whispered.
Emily blinked. “What?”
“For misjudging him. How do I make it up to him?”
Emily smiled. “You apologize, and you put it all out there. Tell him how you feel. Tell him why it scared you. And tell him why you’re going for it anyway. He’ll get it. Trust me.”
“I think I should go see him.”
Emily hopped to her feet. “Shit, I didn’t think it would be this easy. All right, girl, go get your man. But you should probably change first. The sweats and fleece slippers may not be the right ‘make up’ outfit.”
I took her advice and went into my bedroom to get changed. I pulled on a pair of leggings and a loose knit gray sweater that hung off one shoulder. I quickly brushed out my hair and put some lip gloss on. When I went back out into the living room, Emily gave me an approving nod.
“Much better.”
“Thank you, Em. I needed this. I don’t know where my head has been.”
“Up your butt.”
I put a hand on my hip. “Thanks.”
She shrugged. “Just telling it like it is. And don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve lived through the horror of being with a man who hurt you. Twice. Your dad and Collin both did a number on you. How could you not be worried about it happening again?”
I nodded. It was true, of course. I had been carrying the baggage of my abusive past around with me, and I unpacked some of that shit onto Derek and assumed he would be the same. Then, once I’d done it, I couldn’t shake that fear and see past the smoke screen. All I could see was that he was a man, and that somewhere deep inside, that angry version of himself must be lurking, just waiting to get out.
And when I’d seen the damage he could do, I freaked out.
And I’d cost myself real happiness.
I grabbed my purse and Emily’s bag from the hook behind the door. “I hate to kick you out, but I have to do this before I get cold feet.”
“All good. Call me when you can?”
“I will.”
Emily smiled and gave me a hug. “Everything will work out.”
I squeezed her tightly and then turned and opened the door.
And then my heart leapt into my throat. Derek was standing there, his fist raised to knock, with a bag of Thai takeout food in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.
“Uh, hey,” he said, looking back and forth between me and Emily.
33
Derek
Katie looked beautiful—and like a deer in the headlights. Clearly, she hadn’t expected to find me standing on the other side of her door.
“Is now a bad time?” I asked.
It looked like she and Emily were about to head out. Emily was in her scrubs, and Katie was wearing skin-tight black leggings and a loose gray sweater. Her lips looked wet and full and practically begged to be kissed.
Katie looked from me to Emily. “Um, no. Now is fine.”
Emily slid out past me with a sheepish smile. “I’m going to go. You guys have… fun. Katie, call me?”
Katie nodded and waved goodbye as Emily left us on our own.
“I can go,” I said, hooking a thumb over my shoulder. I didn’t want to intrude. If she had somewhere to be, I wasn’t going to stand in her way.
Katie shook her head. “Actually, I was heading out to come see you.”
“You were?”
“Yes. Here, come in.” She gestured for me to come inside.
I slipped by her and held up the bag of takeout. Katie took it from me, and we both went into the kitchen, where she grabbed some plates and two wine glasses. I popped the cork out of the bottle and poured us each a glass, and then we both started unpacking the boxes of food.
Katie stood back when we had all the boxes lined up. “How much food did you think we were going to be able to eat?”
I shrugged. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I tried to get a bit of everything. Curry. Pad Thai. Chow mein. Beef. Chicken. Veggies. You know, the works.”
She began popping the lids off the containers and grabbed large spoons and forks to scoop the food onto our plates. She piled hers up and took her plate and her glass of wine into the living room.
I followed her and sat down beside her on the sofa. Katie slid off the edge of the cushions to sit cross legged on the floor in front of the coffee table. I followed suit, and we both leaned against the front of the sofa.
She glanced over at me. “I’m glad you’re here. It’s good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you, too.”
I watched her twirl some chow mein around her fork. She blew on it and touched it with the tip of her tongue to make sure it wasn’t too hot before popping it in her mouth. She nodded approvingly, and after she swallowed, she said, “This is really good.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
I wasn’t sure how to navigate this conversation. I’d had a whole speech rehearsed in my head as I made my way over to her place, but as soon as I saw her, every word flew out of my head, and I was left feeling like I was floundering in deep water without a life jacket. Did I just bring it up? Did I wait for her to do it? Did we eat first?
“Is something wrong?” Katie asked.
I glanced up at her. “Sorry?”
“You look worried. Is something bothering you?”
Well, that solved one problem. I didn’t have to worry about bringing it up. I just had to start talking. One word after the other. Slow and steady. Honest. I could do this. The fact that she’d let me in and we were sitting on her living room floor was reassurance enough that she would hear me out.
“I’m sorry, Katie.”
“For what?”
“For everything.”
“Oh,” she said as she looked back at her plate. “I’m sorry too.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I let myself get out of control, and I did exactly what you’d asked me not to do. It’s my fault how all of this went down. And I’m sorry.”
Katie shook her head. “No, it’s my fault too.”
Was she crazy? “None of this is your fault. You’re not the one who beat the shit out of that guy. Or got arrested. Or nearly cost everyone he cared about their job.”
Katie turned around on the area rug and sat facing me. “Did anyone lose their jobs?”
“No.”
“Then no harm done, right?”
“Right,” I said slowly. Then I shook my head. “But that’s not true. There was harm done. I hurt you. I drove this wedge between us when everything was getting so good.”
Katie reached over and put her hand on my knee. “Part of this is on me, too. I never tried to understand. I just ended things. I got scared, Derek, and I let that get in the way of something that was good for me. For both of us.”
I didn’t say anything. Not because I didn’t want to, but because words were temporarily lost on me. It sounded like she was forgiving me—which was definitely not what I expected when I came to see her. Maybe I should have had a little more faith. Rinehart was convinced that she and I
had unfinished business. It appeared that he had been right all along.
“I still should have listened to you when you told me not to do anything. About Brian, I mean. I should have just let it go.”
Katie shrugged one shoulder. “In hindsight? Sure. But in the moment? I don’t know if any person would have been capable of that.”
I blinked at her. Something had shifted. “What changed your mind?”
Katie sighed and sat back on her heels. “I went and saw my mom the other day. I haven’t really told you everything about me or about why this whole thing scared me off. I was afraid of the sort of man you might be. I was worried that you were hiding some dark, mean, violent person deep inside and what you did to Brian was just a sneak peak of the real damage you could do. And it scared the hell out of me because my dad used to be that sort of man.”
I was stunned. “Your dad?”
She nodded. “He used to come home drunk from the bar at least once a week and have a go at my mom. She’d hear his truck pull up the drive and put me in my bedroom. She’d make me promise every time not to come out no matter what. And I never did. I stayed put. But I could hear it. And it was awful. In the mornings, she’d have fresh bruises. She’d walk with a limp. He’d sleep in until noon, and she’d prepare breakfast and lunch and make sure the house was in order. It was my reality. I didn’t know anything different.”
Everything was starting to click into place. It made so much sense now that she would run the other way after what I did to Brian. “Katie, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I know. Not many people do. But it’s time I stop trying to hide my past and I just come clean with it. I’m not ashamed.”
“Good. You shouldn’t be. This is why you weren’t close with him?”
She nodded. “Yes. He was the only male role model I had, and I ended up following in my mother’s footsteps.”
Set the Night on Fire: A Bad Boy Firefighter Novel Page 19
