by K E Osborn
“So, I smell the demons… this bonsai absorb all the bad qi, yes?” he states, but I think it’s a question. He raises it up and closes his eyes like it’s doing something, so I just stand here smirking. I love this guy. Sure, he’s probably not doing anything at all, but it is entertaining.
“Umm, hi. What’s the kale for?”
“Shhh… absorption first, then talking,” he reprimands.
I try to swallow my laughter as he moves the bonsai around the room held up high with his eyes shut, while he walks into the furniture as he mumbles some crap or other under his breath.
Raising my brow, he finally makes his way over to me by the kitchen as he hums. Then he finally opens his eyes and lets out a long drawn out sigh. “There, all cleansed.”
“Oh, good.”
“Fung Shui…” he looks around, “… it good how it is for now. So won’t change anything… but I do sense a change in you, sexy boy. You want something in life? Upheaval you seek, no?”
I grin as he places the bonsai on the counter and then turns it, so it’s in a particular position. He opens the bag of kale chips and places one in his mouth chomping down on it. Looking up at the ceiling while trying to find my words, I lean against the kitchen counter. “I want to try new things—”
“Kale chip?” Whisper asks, handing me the packet.
I chuckle and take one, but don’t actually eat it. “I mean… relationship-wise.”
He nods. “Ooh… I see. You want to branch out into new horizon. Seek love in new places. To boldly go where no man has been before?” He winks at me and looks down at my crotch then wiggles his ass, and I furrow my brow wondering what the hell he’s on about.
“What?”
“It okay. It perfectly normal for man to like other man—”
“Wait, no, that’s not what I’m saying!”
He rests his hand on my shoulder and nods. “No need for shame. I have a book to show many ways of sexual position for man-on-man action…” He pauses. “If you know what I mean?” Whisper pulls his eyebrows up and down quickly.
I let out a small laugh. “You do?”
He smiles wide. “I do. I give you.”
“No, wait, you got me all wrong. I like women. I love women. I want to use your internet dating advice to help me find the perfect woman. Not a man, definitely… not a man.”
He furrows his brows. “Oh, yes, that make much more sense to me. Yes. This much better. We do this instead. I know how to find your perfect match. We make profile and find perfect woman. Ten out of ten for you, Matthew.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I want. My ten out of ten. But we can’t put on there that it’s me… you know, Matt, bassist from Recoil, or we’ll have a flood of women spamming me.”
“Yes, this true. We must make your profile true, but your picture not. This easy to do with mood lighting. I also take your picture. It easy… I also photographer.”
I smirk and shake my head. “Is there anything you can’t do, Whisper?”
He purses his lips and nods his head. “Yes, I cannot belly dance, I have no belly… hahaha. I crack joke. Whisper make funny. You laugh, sexy boy, yes?” he asks while rubbing his flat stomach.
I roll my eyes. “You’re so strange, but that’s why I like you.”
“Strange merely a concept of one’s perception, sexy boy. Your strange my normal, your normal my strange, and so it goes round and round till someone loses an eye… hahaha. I make funny again.”
I furrow my brows. “How is that funny?”
“Isn’t that how the joke go?” he asks pulling out my laptop. I shake my head from side to side slowly while he grins wide like the Cheshire cat. “Okay maybe not, but I still think it funny. Okay, come sit with me, we make your profile on this site I always use. It best one for people like you.”
“People like me?”
“Yes, people who not so sure on how love should go. People who have rules on love.”
I nod trying to follow. “Okay, so which dating site are you putting me on?”
Whisper smiles and types in the website address sending me to www.Lovepessimist.com. I furrow my brows and curl up my lip slightly at the name of the website.
“What’s the go with the name of this site, Whisper?” I ask, and he nods like he knew this question was coming.
“This site for people who are pessimistic about love, and only looking for real relationship. Nothing like one-nighter or anything that give out false hope. Lovepessimist for people who believe love is out there, but you have to work hard to find it.”
“Okay. So what do we do first?”
“We take a picture of you, sexy boy.” He pulls out his cell while moving in and fussing with my hair at the same time. I chuckle as he swooshes what little hair I have to the side, and then he moves me up against the wall.
“Okay, so you look down and to side so we see profile of face, but not be able to tell exactly who you are in picture. Yes?”
“Yes, perfect. You know exactly what I need.”
He nods. “Yes, Whisper know it all, sexy boy. I do artistic looking shot that will have all the women intrigued.”
Whisper takes a few shots and then we look through them deciding on the one with the darkest lighting, giving just the hint of my profile. Enough to see my outline, but not enough to give away who I am or what I truly look like. Sure, the girls will want to know more, but in the initial stages it will be sufficient.
Whisper types out a detailed description of what type of woman I’m after, and we’re very specific about the criteria.
“You do know putting this stuff will limit type of women you get coming to your profile, sexy boy?”
“Good. I only want the ones that fit my criteria anyway.”
Whisper huffs, shaking his head. “This narrow-minded and right girl doesn’t fit into a window. The window normally open, and it’s the beauty in horizon that most splendid. Not the beauty that fits within frame.”
Nodding, I sigh. But I have to find the right woman, not the wrong woman. And the only way to do that is to be specific in what I’m looking for, right? “I need to be specific about what I’m after, Whisper… the list stays.”
Whisper nods, and we continue to type up the profile information online. We spend the rest of the afternoon working on my profile and playing on the site. Looking at possible candidates and sending Pessimistic winks to women. He tells me what to look for on the profiles to sort the good from the bad, the desperate from the sensible, and all that type of stuff. He actually seems to know what he’s doing which is a pleasant surprise. Maybe he is a guru. But you can never really tell with Whisper, it seems to work really well one minute then it can all turn to shit again pretty quickly with him.
After sorting through it all, Whisper has to leave to go to work at the dog grooming business, and I chuckle at just how many jobs he actually has. At least, his internet dating guidance guru sessions are cheaper than his Fung Shui—this session only costing me $299.00.
So is this a bargain in comparison? No, not really, when I could have probably done this shit on my own. His help has been somewhat useful, but his company and friendship is always great to have around even if it’s questionable at best.
It’s getting late, and I’m lost on my computer when the front door swings open with fits of laughter floating in. I look up to see not only Nate but Alex walking through the door as she tries to mess with his hair. Obviously, I’m missing a joke they just shared between them, but he’s not laughing as much as she is as they enter the house and look to me. Alex looks at me and she nods her head up and down in a greeting.
“Hey, other brother,” she says, and I chuckle.
“Didn’t know you were coming over,” I reply, and she mockingly frowns and curls up her nose at me.
“Well, sorry to disappoint.” She rounds the sofa and slumps down next to me, the cushions bouncing with her energy.
“You’re no disappointment,” I reply.
Nate sco
ffs out a laugh and comes over to sit down next to me on the other side. He looks down at the computer on my lap.
“So what have you been doing all day while we’ve been slaving?” Nate asks, and I sit taller feeling proud of my accomplishments.
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have been doing something. I have some exciting news.”
They both look at me and cock their heads in curiosity. “Well?” Nate asks.
“I signed up for internet dating. I’m all hooked up and ready to go and I’m actually already doing stuff…” I trail off while they both look at me as if I have lost my damn mind. “I’ve connected with two women already, and they look great in actual fact.”
Nate scoffs. “Okay, so that’s probably the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard. You’re a celebrity rock star. That’s all they’re going to see, Matt.”
“Yes, but they won’t know that until they meet me in person.”
Nate stands up. “This is crazy. You’re usually the really sensible one. What the hell happened to you?”
“I know, that’s why I’m doing this.” I point at the laptop. “I need to live a little. You’ve shown me that if you can step out of your comfort zone, build a business, learn to read, and do all this stuff you’re doing then I can start to do bolder shit, too.”
“Bold… like internet dating?”
I smirk and look to Alex who hasn’t stopped grinning like she’s enjoying this little show. “Alex, you’re with me on this, right?”
She opens her eyes wide and looks to Nate, shrugging. “I can’t see the harm. They don’t know it’s him. This way he can suss them out properly until they meet, and when they do, they can sign an NDA if he wants them to. There’s no harm in trying if he really wants this, Nate,” Alex defends, and I move in to give her a fist bump. She bumps me back, and I suddenly get a bright idea.
“Alex,” I almost yell, and she jumps on the spot. “You need to do this with me!”
Her eyes open wide as Nate bursts out laughing and she shakes her head wildly. “Umm… what now?”
“Yes, yes, YES…” I get louder with each yes. “We can both have profiles and be each other’s wingman,” I beg.
Alex scrunches up her face. “Umm… me and dating? Yeah… nah… we’re not friends.”
I roll my eyes. “C’mon, it’ll be fun. We can compare notes. Alex, you need to live a little—”
“Yeah, Alex, live a little,” Nate jabs mockingly, and she sneers at him.
“Fine! I’ll put up a profile but I won’t enjoy it.”
“That a girl.” I chuckle.
We get on with making a profile for Alex and taking a picture of her for the site, and I can’t help but think how cute the photo of Alex is. If I weren’t searching for the perfect ten and I saw her picture on the dating site, I might actually stop and look at her. But I’m not looking for someone who looks like her. No, I’m looking for a sophisticated and innocent looking woman. Alex has none of those essential qualities on my list.
We finish up with Alex’s profile and end up having dinner together. Nate sulks the whole time about missing Ria, while Alex and I look over our matches and mess about with our profiles sending out winks. The night draws on, and eventually, Alex grabs her keys and stands up.
“Right, I’ve had enough of you two for one night. I’m getting out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She gestures to Nate and then looks to me. “I’ll see you when I see you, internet dating buddy,” she says, and then waves her hand through the air in dismissal, and skips off toward the door like the little pixie she is. She’s completely adorable. Nate shakes his head as she lets herself out, and I close my computer down for the night while turning my attention to Nate.
“So, she’s a lot of fun and a good distraction, but how are you doing? I mean really?” I ask, and he shrugs.
“I’m okay. Feeling pretty shit most of the time, but I’m putting all my emotions into my work and having Alex around is helping. She really knows how to liven things up, and I’m glad to have her on board.”
Nodding, I smile genuinely. “I’m glad she’s around, too.” I can feel a friendship forming with her. We swapped numbers so we can keep in touch with the internet dating ordeals, and also to keep in touch about Nate.
“Okay, I think it’s bed time,” Nate suggests, and I nod in complete agreement.
“Yep, night, bro.” I grab my cell and turn for the stairs, dodging the fichus on the way up. I load the Lovepessimist app onto my phone and log in to check. There are two Pessimistic winks. I look at one profile checking her over to see if she meets any of my criteria. Her name is Jacqueline, and I look at her profile picture. She has long brunette hair in a braid, and she’s standing next to a beautiful white horse. Jacqueline’s the epitome of stunning, and she kind of takes my breath away. Sitting down on my bed, I wonder if I should take the next step and send an actual message. It couldn’t hurt, right? I mean this is what I joined for, to meet people, so I may as well branch out and start a conversation with a woman. Especially one who looks this beautiful. So I decide to send her a message.
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you. I’m new to this whole internet dating thing, so I’m not really sure what I’m doing, lol. Anyway, I hope to chat some more and trust you’re having a good night, Matt.
I figure I probably sound like a douche, but perhaps it’s best to be honest. I hit send, and hope for the best. I’m not going to sit around waiting for her to reply, so I place my cell on charge and strip off then climb into bed. Sliding under the soft comfort of my covers, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
My eyes open slowly as I wake from a peaceful sleep. My dreams were all in aqua last night, though I don’t remember what I was actually dreaming about—weird. Rolling over in my bed, I stretch my arms out to my sides and yawn, probably over exaggeratedly as a slow smile creeps up on my face. Reaching out for my cell, I swipe to open it and press on the Lovepessimist app. Once open, I see a reply message from Jacqueline. I read it right away.
Jacqueline: Hi Matthew, I’m glad you messaged. And it’s fine you’re just starting out, we all have to start sometime. I like your profile… I like a man who knows what he wants out of life and is a go getter with a no-nonsense attitude. I like your profile picture too. The man with a little mystery, it’s suave, and I like the thrill of not knowing exactly who I am talking to. I also like that you’re a musician in your spare time. I love music, and it’s a big deal in my family too. It’s good to have some things in common, although my father is a horse breeder in Bakersfield. That’s where I am and the field I work in. Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough, I hope to chat with you some more xo.
She comes from a good solid family background, and she has a stable life from the sounds of it. She doesn’t live too far, only about two hours away from me, so that’s not too far to travel. I like the look of her so far, so I write back.
Me: Good morning. It’s great you love music! It’s quite big in my life, so it’s a good thing that’s a common interest for us both. Horses are cool, can’t say I know a heap about them, but I’m willing to learn if it comes to that. Your profile pic is great, the horse in it is really beautiful, but you’re far prettier ;) So what’s the plans for today, got anything exciting happening?
I wonder if it is way too soon to send the pretty comment, but I figure fuck it, it’s the truth, so I send it anyway and get out of bed to start my day. After getting dressed, I head downstairs to Nate who’s already plating up our cereal. He looks to me and smirks as I continue to peer down at my cell.
“Everything okay? It’s not like you to be late for breakfast.”
“Sorry was answering my messages… from my future wife.”
Nate raises an eyebrow and scoffs pouring out his cereal. “Um… come again?”
“Okay, so that might be rushing it, but she seems great,” I tell him as Jacqueline texts back.
Jacqueline: Going in for the cheesy one-liners already, wow… we might make it after all. I’
m a sucker for flattery ;) Not much other than a normal weekday, just work, work and more work. You?
“So, that’s who has your attention right now, I’m guessing?” Nate asks, and I slowly look up from my cell to him as he smirks.
“Huh?”
“Is that her?” he asks, nodding to my phone in my hand.
“Oh, yeah,” I state and go about typing a reply.
I chuckle to myself then keep taping away.
Me: Yeah, I’m all about the cheese. If I’m having a good day, you might even get extra cheese.
I’m going to be heading into work too. Not sure what’s on the cards today, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting knowing my work colleagues.
I smirk as I hit send knowing full well I mean Danger and Ryan, but knowing she’ll have no idea what I mean as Nate eats his cereal watching me. “So you haven’t told her who you are, have you?”
Her reply comes in. I ignore Nate’s jab and read it right away as he shovels more cereal into his mouth.
Jacqueline: Well, being an entrepreneur does sound intriguing. I do hope to hear more about that, for sure. It certainly sounds interesting. So random question alert, what’s your favorite fruit?
I laugh out loud, and Nate shakes his head at me as I start frantically typing back to her. I hear Nate put his bowl in the sink. “I’m done talking. I gotta head off to the gallery. Try not to get too caught up too quickly. Okay?”
I nod, still typing back my reply. “Yeah, yeah, go to work. I gotta go into the office anyway to catch up with the boys and Oliver, I’ll see you tonight.” I grab my keys and walk out of the house toward my car without eating my cereal, and leaving Nate behind. I slide into my car and try to keep off my cell while I drive to the office building. But when I get there I check my messages again to see another has arrived and I quickly type up a reply as I walk through the halls.
