by K E Osborn
“Jesus, Matt, you look like you’re going to break someone’s neck,” Jaci states rather loudly, breaking me away from my thoughts.
I stop staring at Alex and Logan and avert my eyes back to Jaci. “Sorry, I’m just hungry, I suppose.” And as if on cue, the waiter brings out our order. He places down a bowl of pasta for Jaci, and a plate of God knows what in front of me. It’s a round, what looks like mold of raw meat, with a side salad and some fried potatoes.
“Bon appetite,” the waiter says, and I look to him and shake my head slightly.
“Umm… I don’t wanna sound rude, but what’s going on with my steak? It looks, well, um… not like steak?”
Jaci giggles as the waiter smiles.
“It’s the steak tartare, sir. Raw minced steak mixed with onions, capers, seasonings and a raw egg yolk. It’s a delicacy, sir. Jaci chose wisely,” he tells me.
I swallow hard. “Raw?” I simply ask.
He nods along with Jaci.
“As in… completely?”
They both nod, and I exhale as the waiter smiles and walks off. I look to Jaci and pick up my fork going straight for the fried potato. Looks like I’ll be making a trip to Taco Bell on the way home.
“Are you even going to try it?” she asks with a slight grin.
Shaking my head, I place a potato in my mouth. “I’m brave with most things, Jaci. But completely raw beef mixed with raw egg, just no… that’s not one of them. The potato and salad will do me fine,” I reply, and her grin falls to a frown as she picks at her pasta seemingly disappointed. There’s finally a lull in the conversation as we eat our meals. There’s a slight awkwardness filling the air, when a bellowing laugh from Logan filters cross the room. I look over to see Alex smiling wide. I’m glad they’re having a good time.
“Isn’t it weird there’s only one other table in this section? Are they famous, too?” Jaci asks, finally breaking the silence between us.
I figure I could roll with this conversation, so I do. It’s easier than telling the truth. “I think she’s an up and coming artist, quite famous in the industry. I’m pretty sure she designs a lot of music industry covers and stuff, too. I’ve seen her around a fair bit actually. I’m pretty sure she’s big here in LA.”
Jaci turns glancing at Alex in awe. I roll my eyes as she looks back to me.
“Wow, two famous people in one room. How exciting!”
I glance back over to see the waiter turning to walk off, but Alex calls him back saying something that seems to make Logan happy as he sits back in his chair looking quite relaxed. I hope their night’s going better than mine, but for some reason, I wish that I was having dinner with Alex instead. Not necessarily a date. No, because we’re friends. But because it’s just easier with her. With Jaci, I’m not at ease, not at all.
I stop looking at Alex and glance back to Jaci, who’s eating her lobster and prawn linguini. She really is stunning, even when eating. It’s such a shame. I look at Jaci deep in thought and wonder if maybe I should try harder. I mean out of my ten rules, she ticks a solid eight of them. It’s just nine and ten that I’m not sure of—a sense of humor, and of course, getting along with Nate. The rest are all there, or pretty damn close, so like I said, on paper she’s almost the perfect ten. It’s just in person, she seems to be taking my fame a little too personally. And I know that comes with who I am, I’m not stupid, but I also know that maybe that’s just something I have to deal with. So perhaps searching for someone who’s going to accept me for me, without having the Recoil attachment, is something I should be trying to forget about. I should probably try harder, give this a shot before I give up?
Fuck, I don’t know. I feel like I’m starting to fret about a relationship that hasn’t even begun yet, and that can’t be healthy. All I know is I’m halfway through a main meal that I can hardly eat, and I feel sick. Jaci’s jabbering on about her horses, and I’m honestly trying to seem interested—nodding and mumbling when needed. But I can’t stop glancing over to Alex and Logan who appear to be eating their actual steak dinners and laughing while getting along fine.
I shove the last piece of potato on my plate into my mouth and eat it slowly, hoping that somehow it will make me feel full, even though only eating five pieces of potato can in no way fill a man.
“So, in essence, I’m kinda famous too. All the breeders know me in the industry, and the jockeys rely on me heavily for inside info. We’re not entirely that dissimilar,” Jaci says.
“Are you saying because you know famous jockeys that makes you famous?” I ask, and she nods her head smiling wide.
“Uh-huh sure, famous by association. That’s a thing, right?” Jaci takes a sip of her champagne, and I sigh sinking further into my chair. Yeah, there’s no point in holding out hope here, Jaci’s a goner. My fame has completely gone to her head.
This was over the minute she saw me.
Fuck!
“Right, sure,” I say trying to appease her.
“Matt, I have to be honest, you don’t seem very present here tonight,” she says looking at me and furrowing her brows.
I exhale and rub my forehead feeling a bit like a douche for not giving her the full attention she deserves. This is probably the last time I will see Jaci, and the least I can do is show her a good time. Leave her with a good impression of me and give her the respect she deserves.
“Sorry, I am a little distracted. Things with the band are hectic at the moment and my brother, he’s going through something, too.”
He eyes light up as I talk, and it’s then I figure I should probably talk about the band a little to make her feel special before I break her dreams of becoming the next Recoil girl. So I start, look her in the eyes, and talk all about the guys. What’s happening in their lives, without giving too many details that she could take and run with to the press if she wanted. You can’t be too careful. Tillie’s drilled that into us.
I tell her all about what it was like working with Zaria. How she was amazing, and how the music video was so much fun to make. I avoid telling her about Nate and Zaria though because that’s not public knowledge. I continue on with as much as I can, without actually telling her anything. Well, anything she couldn’t find out on the internet.
Just to make her feel special, I go on about how I live with Nate, and we share a house together. How we grew up, and what our lives were like. I don’t tell her about how Mom died, just that she did, and she was sad and supportive. But after about an hour, Jaci seems completely awe inspired as she looks up at me in a dazed stupor. Her elbows on the table, and her chin in her hands as she stares at me batting her eyelashes.
Jaci seems like she’s completely lost in my world, which is okay, I guess. It’s nice that she loves who I am, but to be honest, I could never really trust that she would love me… for me. This would never work. And as I continue to talk, I can’t help but glance past her to look at Alex and Logan who are deep in their own conversation. They’re close together, and my stomach sinks watching them. I’m not sure what that’s about, all I know is, Logan is not the right guy for her. She’s worth way more than a guy who turns up late and doesn’t shower her with attention and affection. I know I should be focusing on me and my date, but I realize this isn’t going anywhere and I just want Alex to make good choices. Choices that don’t involve picking the wrong man for her.
I raise my brow wondering why I’m being so protective of her. I really don’t know Alex that well. We’re friends, sure. We’ve spent a little bit of time together, absolutely. But all in all, I owe her nothing. We’re just doing this little internet dating thing together. She has the right to choose whoever she wants, I don’t need to step in. Plus, anyway, Alex’s a big girl and can look after herself.
Sighing, I slump my body.
But can she, though?
Her choice in men in the past has been overly questionable.
“Matt, I’ve lost you again, haven’t I?” Jaci asks bringing my attention back to her, and I blink a
few times and clear my throat.
“Shit, sorry. I really suck tonight, don’t I?” I ask, and she lets out a small giggle.
“Well, you’re certainly not in the right headspace for a date that’s for sure. I’m not sure what’s happening in your mind, but you’re clearly not focused. That’s okay, I know with your life you must have so much going on.”
I weakly smile. “I am sorry, it’s more than that,” I say unsure if I should just tell her now that this isn’t going to go further, and break her dreams of a rock star marriage here and now, or whether I should let this play out a little more.
“It’s okay, I know how tonight is going, Matt. I’m under no false hope here,” she says shocking me and gaining my full attention.
“Ahh, what do you mean?”
She smiles, bringing her hand up to play with the end of her braid like she’s feeling awkward or uncomfortable. But she sighs and slumps her shoulders. “We had such great chemistry over Messenger, I really felt a real bond with you…” I nod as she reaches out grabbing my hand. “But Matt, something about meeting you has changed all that hasn’t it?”
I gnaw on my bottom lip, I wince slightly as she holds my hand gently. Jaci’s hand is soft, and it’s nice to be touching her, but there’s no spark. I glance to Alex and see her looking at our joined hands, she notices me watching her, and quickly looks away. I furrow my brows at her and turn back to Jaci.
“I think me being famous is too big of a deal, to be honest with you,” I say.
I like Jaci, and I don’t want to spin her the line of ‘it’s not you it’s me’ bullshit. She deserves better than that.
She nods and squeezes my hand running her thumb gently along my skin. “I went a little hard on the fandom, right?”
I let off a stifled laugh. “Yeah. I just wanted you to like me for me, not who I am. You know what I mean?”
She inhales sharply through her nose. “I failed your test, didn’t I?”
“Wasn’t a test, Jaci. It’s just… I think, I want something a little different…” My words hang in the air as she contemplates them, and then she nods as she takes it all in.
“You don’t want a fan,” Jaci says more of a statement than a question. The realization dawning on her and she nods taking a deep breath. “Geez, I’m an idiot. I’m sorry, Matt. I’ve screwed this up before we even began.”
I turn my hand over, lacing our fingers and giving her comfort. “Hey, no, it’s okay. It is what it is. We can still be friends, of course, and anytime you wanna come to a show, let me know. I’ll give you tickets, okay?”
“Really?” she asks excitedly, and I know right there that I’ve done the right thing. If she’s excited about coming to a show, more excited about that rather than us parting ways, then yes, I’m one hundred percent doing the right thing.
“Of course, anytime.”
She leans in kissing my cheek suddenly. I grin at her in friendship. But a sudden movement catches my eyes as I watch Alex and Logan stand from their table. I instantly let Jaci’s hand go, and look at Alex a little more obviously as she moves in beside Logan. He wraps his arm around her shoulders pulling her to him. They chuckle and walk out of the restaurant next to each other. His arm is dangling over her shoulder, holding her to his side, like they’re totally a thing.
My chest squeezes tight. I wanna scream at Alex to not go with him. Not to leave with the douchebag. Her hand comes up and grabs on to his around her shoulders, and they walk out of the room laughing together without even glancing back at me.
And just like that Alex is gone.
My stomach flips, and I sink into my seat letting out a long breath, as I look down to the table in front of me.
“So, the art girl… you know her, don’t you?” Jaci asks, and I snap my head to her.
“What?”
Jaci smirks and sinks back into her seat while cocking her brow at me. She’s so stunningly beautiful, it’s hard not to be attracted to her. It’s just that she isn’t the right girl for me.
“You know that girl. That girl that left with the hot guy, right?”
“I… ah, yeah… we kinda did this internet dating thing together.”
She smirks, sitting forward in her seat and licks her lips. “Look at you opening up to me. You’re sad she hit it off with her date, and you didn’t?”
I furrow my brows. “What? No. We hit it off, this wasn’t a total disaster.”
“Wasn’t it?” she asks tilting her head. “Matt, I think you and I both know we’re leaving here alone and will probably never speak again. You’ve ignored me the whole night, too interested in someone else’s date, and you’ve told me I don’t meet your expectations. I know I did the wrong thing, and it made you switch off, but if you told me who you were from the start, it might have been different. I might have been better prepared.”
I huff. “And if I told you who I was you would have believed me?”
She exhales, looking up at the ceiling as if to ponder that thought. “I guess you have a point there… I’m so sorry this didn’t work out for us. I really like you, though. I’m sorry I ruined it for us. But if there is any consolation in this, I’m sure if the roles were reversed, and you met one of your idols you’d have reacted the same way.”
I exhale and take her hand again giving it a slight squeeze. “I’m sorry, too. About everything. I should’ve been more present here tonight. You deserve better.”
“I did, but at least we know now before we get too attached. It was amazing to meet you, Matt Levine. I can honestly say I’ll never forget this evening even if it was one-sided.” She stands, and I stand too, leaning in to embrace her. “Walk me to my car?”
I sigh. “I would. I really want to, but I can’t go through the restaurant. The public and all. It’s dangerous for them and me, we might get mobbed.”
“Of course…” she shakes her head and lets out a small giggle, “… for a second I forgot. Then I guess this is goodbye?”
I clasp both of her hands in mine. “It’s been a privilege, Jaci. You’ll make some lucky man very happy one day.”
She leans and kisses my cheek. “Think about what you want, Matt. I mean really think about it. You may already have the answer,” she says pulling back and grabbing her purse from the table.
Furrowing my brows, I shake my head. “What does that mean?”
“You’ll figure it out when you’re ready. Thank you for an… interesting night. Don’t worry, I won’t go telling anyone who I met on my date. You have my word.”
Looking in her eyes, I can tell she’s telling the truth. I may not know Jaci that well, but I know sincerity when I see it. “Appreciate that. And you don’t have to be a stranger… I mean it if you ever wanna come to a concert or anything just let me know.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
I chuckle. “I don’t want you walking to your car alone, though. I’ll send Dwayne to walk with you. Goodnight, Jaci.” I look over at Dwayne from Security and bob my head to let him know to come over.
“Goodbye, Matt.” She leans in embracing me again quickly and then turns walking out of the room with Dwayne following her.
It’s funny, I thought I’d feel something. Sadness. Loss. Remorse. But nothing. Other than maybe a slight relief. She exits, and I realize I’m left in the room with just Scott from my security detail and figure, once again, I really am alone.
This is me.
This is my life.
And this is probably how it will be for the foreseeable future.
Matt, the loner.
The waiter walks in, he looks around and gives me a soft smile.
“I’ll pay the bill now. Thanks for tonight, and if you could thank the owner for making this room available for Alex and me that would be great.”
He nods. “Of course, sir.” He steps off to the podium set up in the corner of the room to pick up a portable EFTPOS machine, bringing it over with the bill. I don’t bother to check, and he doesn’t bother to
tell me. I simply hand him my card and he swipes it. I go through the motions feeling deflated, thinking about Alex and hoping she’s safe with Logan.
I wonder what they’re doing right now. They obviously left together all coupled up, and to be honest, I’m jealous. Not that she left with another man, but that her date went well and mine crashed and burned. Especially considering she didn’t really want to do this dating thing in the first place, and only went along with it to appease me.
But I guess if Logan is really the guy for Alex, who am I to stand in the way of her happiness.
Who am I kidding?
He’s not the guy for her.
I grunt, and the waiter looks at me creasing his brows as he hands me my card. “Sorry, long night,” I say, and he nods with a gentle tilt of his head while handing me my receipt.
“Well, we don’t close for a few hours, and neither of you had dessert, so if you feel like something sweet the room’s still available until eleven.”
I chuckle. “Thanks, good to know.” I pat his shoulder and turn seeing Dwayne walk back in, tilting my chin up to my security detail, and they both walk toward me. With a long sigh, we head to the back of the restaurant, walk out the back door and toward my car.
“Did you have a good night, Matt?” Dwayne asks, and I scoff.
“I tried, I did. Just wasn’t meant to be, Dwayne,” I reply as we continue toward the car.
“Oh, well, maybe better luck next time, hey?” he asks.
I nod as the other security dude in the detail, Scott, halts his tracks and puts his arm out stopping me from walking. I look up as he nods to Dwayne, who stops chatting to me and instantly tenses up. I look up from the ground I was peering at while scuffing my shoes, to see a figure leaning on the trunk of my car. My body tenses and my spine straightens. It’s dark, so we can’t make out the figure completely, but Scott pulls me back against the wall as Dwayne takes off toward the car full force. His protection mode instantly kicking into gear.
I go rigid wondering who would know I’m here, and how they knew that was the car I arrived in. Unless someone overheard Jaci saying something on her way out, and now a fan has come to find me? But surely she wouldn’t be that stupid… would she?
