He recoiled as if she had slapped him. “Or in other words,” he said bitterly, “just like my ex, the minute things don’t go your way, you’re out of here. There is no compromise. No meeting each other halfway. No putting each other’s
needs and desires, dreams and goals, above our own.”
He didn’t know how much Merri wanted to forget being noble, forget doing the honorable thing, and welcome him back into her arms and her bed. She swallowed hard, forcing herself to go on. “You heard what Kate said. To have a successful family, we need a strong and loving relationship, as foundation.” Love being the operative word.
He braced himself as if for battle. “We have that.”
Merri shook her head sadly. “Not in the way she meant. We need to be soul mates, just like every other happily married couple we know. Like Paige and Kurt. Emily and Dylan. And we’re not, Chase.” She cut him off with a lift of her hand. “Given how we rushed into this, there’s no way we could be.”
“I disagree. Sure, the beginning was a little rocky, but lately it’s been great.”
She held her head high. They had managed to become effective co-parents and even friends with benefits. “But what happens if you do fall in love with someone else one day?” she challenged, her heart breaking at the thought. What then?
“I told you. I don’t feel that way about Starr.”
“But you might feel that way about some woman eventually, Chase.” You certainly haven’t intimated you feel that way about me.
He reached for her tenderly. “I have everything I need with you.”
Except love, Merri thought. And love was what he needed most of all. Splaying her hand across his chest, she pushed him away, determined to do what was right. “Look. We’ll figure this out. We’ll find a way to go forward as co-guardians of the kids.”
“And until then?” he asked, his resentment obvious.
Disappointment stabbed her heart, even as she forced herself to be practical. “We disrupt the twins’ lives as little as possible, and go back to the way it was when you first moved in with us.”
His expression closed. “Separate bedrooms.”
Merri nodded, her heart now officially broken. “And a marital relationship that is anchored by friendship, nothing more.”
* * *
CHASE PAUSED IN THE DOORWAY of Kate Marten’s office. “Got a minute?”
The grief counselor stood and motioned him in, then shut the door for privacy. “What’s on your mind?”
Chase had never been the kind of guy who went to others for advice on his personal life. It was what it was. He dealt with his problems on his own. But this was different. It wasn’t just him. Or Merri. Regardless of what had happened in their marriage, they still had to protect the kids. And right now, he had no idea how to do that.
“When I first came back, and Merri and I got married, you thought it might be some sort of stress reaction to being back home, after years doing trauma surgeries in a military field hospital.”
Kate interrupted with a lift of her hand. “Obviously, I was wrong about that.”
“Actually, your instincts were right on. There were extenuating circumstances behind our rush to the altar.”
Kate looked at him curiously.
“And as you guessed, some things I do need to talk about.” With someone I can trust to give me rock-solid advice. “So if I ask for doctor-patient confidentiality—”
“You’ve got it,” Kate promised. “What you say here will go no farther than this office.”
Relieved to be able to speak to someone with perspective, Chase took a seat on the sofa. While she listened, occasionally taking notes, he told her about the deception his late brother and sister-in-law had perpetuated, and the necessary decisions that had followed.
“So it was a marriage of convenience.”
Chase nodded, realizing now how unromantic that sounded. “It started out that way.”
“And then changed into something much more viable.”
His gut knotted. Had he ever been what Merri needed? Wanted? “I thought it had.”
Kate smiled sympathetically. “So did everyone else.”
Chase slumped back on the sofa. “Apparently everyone—including me—was wrong.” He scrubbed a hand over his face and scowled. “Merri told me yesterday that she doesn’t think we should continue trying to make our marriage a real union. She wants a more platonic arrangement.”
Kate pursed her lips. “And you agreed.”
Slowly, Chase released a breath. “I made a commitment to be a father to the twins. To provide the most normal, loving environment possible for them.”
She nodded in approval. “And you’re keeping that promise.”
“Yes.” Even though he’d had the faith and hope kicked out of him, it was the only honorable way to proceed.
Kate gave him a long, probing look. “Can you do that?”
Chase paused, giving the question the consideration it deserved. “Technically, yes. Merri and I have enough willpower to adhere to whatever restrictions we agree upon.” At least in terms of their physical relationship. Emotionally, well, his feelings were going to be a lot harder to corral. Especially when it came to putting her back in the friend category, and nothing more.
Kate tapped her pen on her notepad. “Then what’s the problem?”
For starters? “The kids. They’re pretty sensitive to what goes on around them.” Chase explained the twins’ wish that he still be there on Christmas Day.
“You think if you and Merri are no longer intimate the twins will figure out something is amiss?”
“Given what they’ve already been able to observe and surmise? I know they will.” Chase leaned forward, hands clasped between his knees. “And the thing is, I don’t want them hurt.” And because he was selfish....
“I don’t want to give them up,” he admitted. “I’ve already missed almost five years of their lives.” The thought of losing even more time with them was unbearable. “I don’t want to turn into a three-days-a-week, every-other-holiday dad.” Which was the kind of arrangement an eventual divorce would bring.
“And that’s why you’re determined to stay married to Merri.”
“Yes,” he said gruffly. Even though the thought of never being with her again—after all that spectacular lovemaking they’d shared—was like having his heart crushed in a vise. There wasn’t going to be a part of him that didn’t miss her desperately.
“Hmm.”
“What?” Chase demanded when the counselor said nothing more.
Kate lifted an eyebrow. “I think you might want to ask yourself why the two of you are still so amenable to the idea of living under the same roof—when there are so many other options available.”
* * *
“IS THERE ANY WAY TO DELAY the hearing with Judge Roy without jeopardizing Chase’s request for co-guardianship?” Merri asked their attorney early the following day. Another night sleeping down the hall from Chase had left her restless and upset. Worse, despite her Oscar-worthy performance at breakfast, the kids were beginning to pick up on it. Chase had noticed, too.
Liz ushered her into the conference room.
“Why would we want to request that? What’s going on?”
Merri swallowed, feeling abruptly near tears. Why had she allowed herself to be so reckless and make such a mess of things? Especially when she knew better than to take anything on faith! “I made a mistake, marrying Ch
ase.”
Liz patted her shoulder. “And you came to that conclusion because…?”
Her guilt intensifying, Merri slumped into a chair. “He deserves to love and be loved....”
“Isn’t that what’s been going on with the two of you?” the lawyer asked.
Merri pushed aside the memory of the hurt and confusion in Chase’s eyes when she’d told him their physical relationship was over. “Maybe for me,” she allowed softly, realizing how different life would be if her feelings were returned.
“Not for him.”
Merri shrugged. “He does love the kids with all his heart. And they love him, too, so very much.”
“What do you think he feels for you?”
Did she even want to answer that?
Liz pressed on. “Pretend we’re under oath here. Pretend I’m Judge Roy. Answer the question. What do you think he feels for you?”
Realizing their attorney was only doing her job, Merri forced herself to reply. “I think Chase feels lust for me.” There was no doubt their passion was incredible. “And friendship.” To the point he made her feel she could talk to him about practically anything. Except anything that would put him on the spot and make them both uncomfortable. “And a close bond because we both share a biological connection to the kids, and want to parent them.”
Liz sat back in her chair, a bemused look on her face.
“What are you thinking?” Merri asked impatiently.
She flashed a wry smile. “How ironic it is that just when all the speculation has completely died down, and everyone believes that you and Chase and the kids absolutely belong together, the two of you want out.”
“I didn’t say we wanted this.”
“Of course not,” Liz murmured, unconvinced.
Merri threw up her hands in frustration. “But it’s the only sensible way to proceed. Naively, I had hoped otherwise, but let’s get real—Chase and I are not going to be happy staying under the same roof if we are not sleeping together as man and wife.”
“Of course not.”
“That kind of proximity… well, you’ve seen Chase. You know how incredibly handsome he is.” In bed. And out. The truth was, all he had to do was breathe and…
“And he thinks you’re easy on the eyes, too, I gather?” they lawyer aked dryly.
Merri frowned. “I’m being serious here, Liz.”
Her attorney’s eyes gleamed. “I can see that.”
Merri drew a breath and forced herself to go on, even more frankly, “Anyway, I was thinking that maybe if we delayed, we could use the time to figure out a way to convince Judge Roy and the court to allow Chase to live on the property—perhaps in a separate dwelling—and continue to be a dad to the kids.”
“As a co-guardian?”
“Yes. Since he loves the twins and they love him. So they wouldn’t lose any time with each other, the way people do in a normal divorce or legal separation.”
“And you’d be okay with that?”
“I’m okay with anything that makes him and the kids happy.”
And keeps him a safe distance away. So that my constant lusting after him won’t be an issue for either of us.
Liz played with her pen. “What does Chase think about this?”
“I haven’t spoken to him yet. I wanted to make sure it would work, that his rights were protected, before proceeding.”
The attorney set down her pen and speculated for a moment in silence. “I see,” she said finally.
“You look like you do,” Merri allowed nervously, “and you don’t.” Was her blunt honesty about to get them in even more trouble? It felt as if their lives were already screwed up enough.
“Maybe because you’re acting like you care more about Chase’s needs than your own. Which, I have to tell you, is not usually the case in proposed divorce action. And I have to ask you, Merri.” Liz paused to give her a long, searching glance. “Why is that?”
* * *
MERRI THOUGHT FOR THE REST of the day about what Liz had asked her.
By evening, she knew what she had to do. But Chase was at the hospital and not due home until noon the following day. Which was okay. It gave Merri time to arrange for the kids to be elsewhere, and figure out what she was going to say.
Unfortunately, Chase didn’t walk in at twelve-thirty, as scheduled. Nor was he there at one o’clock, or two.
Her spirits sinking, Merri was just reaching for the cord to unplug the Christmas tree lights when she heard the front door open and close.
Her heart racing with anticipation, she straightened.
Chase strode in.
He looked as tired as she would have expected after an eighteen hour-plus shift.
He was also freshly showered, shaved, wearing a neatly pressed shirt and slacks. Looking more ready for a date than bed, he shrugged out of his coat, dropped it on the arm of the chair and kept right on coming toward her. He pulled her into his arms and pressed his body against hers, his mouth against her hair.
It was the kind of casual, wordless greeting two longtime lovers gave each other, and despite herself, she melted into him.
He felt so damn good. So warm and strong and male. Beneath his shirt, she could feel the beating of his heart. Briefly, Merri closed her eyes, breathing in the tantalizingly familiar fragrance of soap and man. He kissed the top of her head, the gesture casual and tender, then ever so reluctantly released her and stepped back.
Merri tilted her chin and gazed into his eyes. Unbelievably, he looked as if he had missed her as much as she had missed him. And it had only been forty-eight hours since they’d stopped behaving as man and wife. Forty-eight long, lonely, unbearably miserable hours.
“Hey,” Merri said softly, joy mingling with the longing deep inside her.
He was here. He was happy to see her. It wasn’t the answer to all their problems, but it was a good first step, she realized, as courage flooded her anew.
His gaze drifted over her, as if he was drinking in and memorizing every detail. He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, with a look of forgiveness she hadn’t expected to see in his eyes. “Where are the kids?” he asked softly.
The lump in her throat was back, as another wave of anxiety slid through her. “Playing with the triplets, at Paige and Kurt’s.”
Chase covered Merri’s hand with his and locked eyes with her. “They’re due to be picked up when?”
“Six this evening.” Her throat tightened even more, making it difficult to swallow. She consulted her watch. “Which gives us about three and a half hours.” To work things out and find a holiday miracle of our very own, before the New Year.
Chase’s gaze intensified, the silence reinforcing all that was at stake. “Good.” He ran a thumb over her knuckles. “’Cause there’s a lot I want to say.”
Glad she hadn’t unplugged the Christmas tree, after all, since it gave a much needed element of cheer to the wintry stillness of the living room, Merri drew a bolstering breath. Ready to make whatever sacrifices were required, she looked deep into his eyes and said, “Okay.”
He gazed down at her with the quiet intensity she loved so much. “I talked to Kate Marten yesterday.”
Ignoring the sudden wobbliness of her knees, Merri tried to figure out where all this was going. The same place she wanted, she hoped. Blinking back a mist of emotion, she confided, “I talked to Liz Cartwright.”
He came closer. “There’s not going to be
any divorce.” His voice was a sexy rumble. “I won’t agree to it.”
Merri splayed her hands across his chest. “Okay.”
He wrapped his arms around her and held fast. “No more pretending for all the world to be married, either. Because we are married, Merri.” He tightened his grip on her affectionately. “I don’t know how or when it became so much more…” He let the words sink in, then flashed the sexy grin she loved so much. “The realness of it sort of snuck up on me.” He lowered his head and kissed her sweetly.
Merri slipped her arms about his neck and kissed him back, then admitted, “It took me by surprise, too.”
They shared another kiss, even more ardent and persuasive. “I’ve been trying not to rush you, but sometimes there’s just no slowing down what’s in your heart.”
“No kidding.” Merri laughed shakily, as she realized all her dreams were about to come true. “It’s like a freight train, going full speed.”
He nodded in agreement, then forged on, the words coming from deep in his soul. “That being the case, you might as well know. I love you, Merri.” She let out an exultant laugh, and he soldiered on. “And I’m pretty sure if you really think about it, you’ll realize that you love me, too.”
His confidence was as contagious as his bravery. “I don’t have to think about it—I know how I feel. I’ve loved you for some time, Chase Armstrong.” Relieved to finally be able to admit what was in her heart, Merri went up on tiptoe and kissed him with every bit of passion and joy she possessed. “I’m head over heels in love with you,” she whispered.
He pulled her nearer, still, until they were pressed intimately together. “So no more talk about what we have not being enough.”
Merri cuddled close, ready—finally—to open up her heart and take all the risks required. “None.”
His gaze was steady and sincere. “It’s not just about doing what’s right for the kids anymore. It’s about doing what is right for us, too.”
The Texas Rancher's Marriage Page 20
