by Lanza, Marie
“We should have said something.” I broke the silence.
“He doesn’t want to hear anything right now, honey.” Dan said it like it was just a simple statement of fact. Like there was no other alternative.
But I labored and obsessed over any other alternative aside from this one. Instead of Jaxon wanting to be alone, maybe he wanted to talk. Maybe he wanted to talk out loud and have us listen to whatever he was going through. Maybe he just needed someone to comfort him in what may be his final hours. I couldn’t stand this part of the stubbornness that came with men. And in this moment, the stubbornness felt amplified because of the dire situation in which we found ourselves.
I watched Dan get situated in the front seat so that he could sleep. I was so unsettled in both my mind and my body. My stomach felt nauseous. We should have said something to Jaxon. Dan couldn’t be right about this. Who wants to be alone in what potentially could be their final moments?
I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep, but before I knew it, the sun was blazing through the windows, blinding my vision.
Mayhem rubbed his nose in my face and licked my cheek. His way of telling me he had to go to the bathroom.
“Dan?” I wasn’t sure if he was still sleeping or not.
“I’m awake.”
“Have we heard anything?”
“Nothing”
I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not.
“Mayhem needs to pee.”
Dan adjusted his seat to sit back up. He looked around the area, down at Ethan who was still sleeping, then back at me before picking up his gun that he had placed on the dash board. “Alright, I’ll take him.” He took another look around the truck before opening the door. He paused and listened.
If Jaxon was infected and still up there, he could very well come crashing down on Dan.
Dan waited.
Ethan stirred in the front seat.
Mayhem’s whimpered desperately to be let out.
Dan awkwardly reached into the back seat and opened the back door. Mayhem shot out before it was even half way open. Dan carefully opened his door, and raising his gun, took a look at the roof then back down at me, eyes wide, filled with concern. He shook his head and shrugged.
Jaxon was gone.
I jumped out of the truck and looked for myself. “I knew we should have talked to him. He wouldn’t have left like this if we had. What kind of people are we? I told you we should have talked to him. We let him just walk away.”
“We didn’t just let him walk away. It was his way of protecting us and Ethan. Not everyone wants to talk about their feelings, Harmony. You think he’s the kind of guy that wants to sit around and sulk over his own death?”
“Where’s daddy?” Ethan’s tired voice broke up our argument.
I hoped with all my heart that he didn’t understand what we were saying. He didn’t look as though he heard us, just tired and a little confused. Ethan’s precious innocence always caught me off guard. The loss he was going to experience broke my heart.
Neither of us knew what to say to him. How would we explain this to him? We didn’t have any time to prepare our words. Sweetheart, daddy went for a walk, and we’re waiting on him. Sweetheart, daddy went away but he ….. Nothing was going to come out right. It was all wrong.
I looked to Dan, hoping he had an idea as to the best way to gently let a child know his dad was gone.
Ethan looked at us blankly, waiting for an answer. It was almost as if he knew; his eyes spoke volumes, filled with concern. He looked so lost. It was as though he just wanted us to say the words. Daddy is gone.
“Ethan, buddy…”
“Hi Daddy!” Ethan looked right through me, smiling from ear to ear.
Dan and I turned around to see Jaxon approaching the truck carrying a bag in one hand and his gun in the other.
“Jaxon?”
“You two look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Mayhem sniffed the bag Jaxon was carrying and walked calmly beside the officer.
“We were….” I didn’t want to say the words.
“I think the only thing I have to worry about is tetanus.” Jaxon lifted the bag, “Found some supplies, including another medical kit.”
“We should take a look at your back,” Dan suggested.
Jaxon agreed and lifted his shirt to his shoulders.
“Daddy, did you get hurt?”
“Yeah. buddy, I took a good tumble last night.”
I opened the medical kit and found a bottle of saline solution and butterfly bandages. The lacerations on Jaxon’s back were still red and swollen, but nothing looked infected. As I cleaned the area, Jaxon winced and pulled away when I touched on the wounds that were more open than others. I bandaged the wounds and wrapped gauze around his body as extra protection.
“This should at least make you a little more comfortable.”
Jaxon pulled his shirt back down when we were finished.
“Jaxon, I’m sorry we….”
“Don’t. There’s no need.” Jaxon gave me a small grin and looked to Dan.
Dan reached out his hand, Jaxon shook it. It was all they needed to express their shared feelings of relief that Jaxon was OK, as well as gratitude that Jaxon knew we would always be there for them.
“Now let’s get back on the road.” Dan climbed in the driver seat.
“Daddy, can I sit up front some more?”
“Good with me,” Jaxon said.
The relief was overwhelming; I wanted to burst into tears of joy. Jaxon and Ethan had become our family members, and today we would remain whole.
I climbed in the truck and took the back seat with Jaxon and Mayhem.
* * *
We drove with the windows down. The breeze against our faces became cooler as we got closer to the ocean. I never had gotten used to the stench of the dead air, and these fresh breezes were something I had longed for.
The highway twisted and turned by what were once beautiful vineyards, now just a remnant.
I remembered what those plantations of grapevines may have looked like not long ago. There had been row after row of greenery with plump purple or green grapes hanging from the vines, a never-ending parade of nature’s finery. The deep colors of green against the light tan fields of grass were always one of my favorite contrasts in nature. Walking down the aisles of vines holding a glass of wine, enjoying conversation with Dan—it seemed like a distant memory of another life.
As we drove, I watched an infected walk through the fields. Maybe they once worked these fields, maybe worked in a winery; but now they’ll wander these grounds for as long as their body carries them or until they’re put out of their misery.
I caught Dan’s eyes staring at me through the rear view mirror. I was sure he was having the same memories as we continued down the highway. Fond memories we may never experience the like of again.
We passed a road sign reading Summer Springs Valley 5 miles.
My stomach jumped with excitement, the feeling of a roller coaster drop that tickles your insides until you hit the bottom.
Dan slowed the truck, grabbing my attention to face forward. We were coming up to the small town of Summer Springs. He turned right down the main street that took us through town.
Red brick buildings crowned with white rooftops and blown out windows lined the street. There were no street lights, just stop signs. Cars barricaded alleys, some riddled with bullet holes.
Mel used to tell me all about this community. She was always telling Dan and me that when we were coming up this way we should stop by to visit her in-laws. Her description seemed like yet another thing that was but a distant memory.
It would be a great girl’s weekend, she would say.
“It looks like survivors took a stand here,” Jaxon said, staring out of the window.
Dan and I didn’t respond.
I just wanted to get to the house.
As we came up to the edge of the small town, we found the residents
. Pile after pile of bodies that had been set on fire.
It seemed there was nothing left, either dead or alive, in the entire area.
Jason’s parents’ home was a few miles outside of town, looking over the ocean.
Forest Road.
It was all we had to go by. I hoped it was a small neighborhood, but for all we knew, Forest Road could have gone for miles.
It looked as if the whole town had driven down this road to get out. Vehicles lined the two-lane highway, some wrecked, some burned, and some looked simply abandoned. It seemed the people who lived in the area didn’t make it past this point. Perhaps they had abandoned their vehicles, or maybe they lost their lives to the infected.
The highway dead ended into a T-intersection.
Dan slowed the truck until we came a complete stop.
“West. Turn left and head west. We know their property is against the ocean.” I was overcome with emotion. “Map. Ethan, honey, can you grab me the map in the glove box?”
Ethan popped open the glove box, reached for the road map, and handed it back to me. I quickly scanned it while Dan turned, taking the road left.
“Forest Road doesn’t look like a main road. It’s right off this one to the left.”
Dan took his eyes off the road, catching my eyes for a brief second in the rear view mirror, and then brought his eyes back, straight ahead.
Like all the miles we covered, these last few seemed to take forever. The rocking motion the road created under the tires as we held a cautious 30 miles per hour almost brought a comfort to my mind, like putting me into a meditative state, only I was still conscious. Like a baby being rocked so they stop crying.
Dan slowed the truck down and turned left when we reached the old sign that read Forest Road. This simple action flooded energy into my body, making me want to jump out of the truck and run the rest of the way.
“This is it.” My eyes followed a wooden fence lining the road. The property was huge. The paved road became bumpy gravel. Dan slowed the truck, and Jaxon and I eagerly leaned into the back of the front seats.
Several cars clogged the gate in the wooden fencing that lined the property.
Jaxon adjusted in his seat, studying the property.
“Do you recognize any of these cars?” Jaxon asked.
“No. But their cars were still at home.”
Dan continued forward, driving carefully past the wreckage. The entrance wasn’t fully blocked, allowing Dan to maneuver the truck through the mangled cars.
There were no bodies in the cars, and I hoped that would be a good sign. Maybe these were for the sole purpose of keeping people out.
The house was on the back of the property. An old craftsman style farmhouse designed for modern day with a large, white porch lining most of the house.
There were no visible cars parked nearby, and no signs people might be inside the house.
Dan stopped the truck and put it in park. He picked up the weapon that he had placed between his seat and the center console.
Mayhem sniffed the air, but I had no intentions of getting out of the truck just yet.
“Why aren’t they coming out?”
“Do we have the right house?” Jaxon scanned for any immediate threats.
“We have the right house. I’ve seen pictures of the place,” I protested.
“I’ll leave the engine running, you know, just in case.” Dan opened his door and stepped out.
I pulled Mayhem away from the door so I could follow. Jaxon went out his door, leaving Ethan inside.
It was so quiet.
The ocean breeze was cool and rustled the grass as it blew inland. The property ended at a cliff that fell into the water. The house was so still. We couldn’t expect lights to be on telling us there was life inside, but I thought that some signs of life would be present. For one, my sister and her family running out the door to greet us.
There was nothing.
I stood in front of the house, staring at the front door. Every fiber of my being wanted it to open from the inside. I wanted Mel to run out holding the baby and Jason by their side. I wanted them to throw their arms around me, and we would all be together again.
Dan walked around one side of the house with his gun drawn, Jaxon walked around the other, his gun also pointed straight ahead in a tactical stance.
I stood, and I watched the front door.
I pulled my gun from the back of my waist band and approached the house.
There were three steps leading up to the porch to the front door.
One.
The wood under my feet creaked and bent as my weight pressed against it.
Two.
I took a deep breath and paused. Waiting. Listening. Hoping that if something did decide to burst out of the front door, it would be alive.
Three.
I took a moment to just wait. Maybe Dan or Jaxon would come from around the house with good news.
Nothing.
I moved slowly across the porch with my eyes aimed directly at the front door. Each step seemed to be heavier than the next. My breathing was shorter, and my heart seemed to pump the blood so vigorously through my veins that I could feel each pulse through my entire body. I took a deep breath, waited one last, long moment, and reached for the door handle.
The front door was unlocked.
It opened easily without any of the squeaking that I had anticipated. I let the door swing open until it stopped against the wall.
I half figured an infected would greet me at the door, bursting through, starving, and tearing at me to get a taste of my flesh. But there was nothing. Nothing dead or alive. The quiet was almost disappointing. An infected would at least give me some type of closure. But there was nothing.
Standing there in the doorway, realizing we were alone, I stared into the empty home. An empty space that was undisturbed, as if the residents just vanished.
“Babe?” I didn’t even hear Dan come up behind me.
“They’re not here.” I looked back at Dan. Jaxon had joined him at the base of the steps. “They should have been here.”
“Honey. We always knew the chances were…..”
“No. No, the plan was to meet here.”
Dan and Jaxon said nothing. And I knew there was nothing they could say to make me feel any better.
My family hadn’t made it and they may never.
We had no plans past this point. Our focus had always been to get here, to Summer Springs Valley where everyone would be together until all of this blew over. It was the failure of optimism at its finest.
It was as though someone hit a release valve on my emotions, and they poured out like a river; my eyes were the floodgates. Everything that had built up over the last few weeks flowed out of me in ragged sobs. I stumbled down the stairs and into Dan’s arms. It was just us now. I had to come to some realization that we may never see anyone we loved again.
Jaxon returned to the truck to get Ethan and Mayhem.
“We should unpack,” I suggested, not really wanting to let go of Dan quite yet.
“Yeah, I’ll go help Jaxon.” Dan pulled back enough to look me in the eyes, “They could still be out there. And we’ll be here waiting for them when they get here.”
I gave Dan my strongest smile with a firm nod of my head. He gently wiped the tears from my face and went to the truck to unpack.
For the next few days there was always something that needed immediate attention. There was food to be found, fences to be checked and fixed, windows and doors to be secured and fortified. As the days stretched into a week, the urgency started to wane.
The central coast brought a gloomy fog that rolled over the hills and blanketed the land by late afternoon. The chilly winds off the water made the weather constantly feel like a mild winter. The cool weather and dark skies matched my ever-darkening mood perfectly.
The whole house was typically asleep not long after sundown. The enormous weight of what we had been through weighed me d
own both physically and emotionally. I didn’t have the energy for conversations or the capacity to enjoy stories. My depression ran my world.
One night as the house slept, I found myself wide-awake. and I started a puzzle. I worked frantically until the early hours of the morning. It was as if life itself depended upon my completion of this meaningless task; like everything could be right with the world again if I could simply put this damn puzzle together. In the end, there were 3 missing pieces, and I started to tear the house apart looking for them.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Dan’s voice caught me off guard as I didn’t think I was being loud enough to wake anyone.
“I looked everywhere. They have got to be somewhere,” I protested.
Dan stopped me while I was going through the spare sheets a second time looking for the pieces. He held me in his arms. “It alright, honey. You can let it go.”
I cried for an hour straight and then slept for 2 days.
When I awoke, Jaxon was making breakfast while Ethan was coloring on a pad of paper at the breakfast table. Jaxon must have heard me get up because he had a cup of coffee ready for me.
“Where’s Dan?” I asked, pulling Ethan from his crayons.
“Can I show her?” Ethan chimed in before Jaxon could answer. He had already grabbed my hand and was leading me to the living room.
On the coffee table there was my puzzle, complete with the last pieces.
“They were stuck in the box!” beamed Ethan.
As I stood and admired the scene, a picture of a track and field event with athletes, spectators, officials, and families, Dan opened the front door, walked in, and put his hands around my waist. He didn’t need to say anything, and neither did I.
I took a walk around the property a little later and found myself standing on the edge of the cliff looking down at the vast ocean, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks below. In this moment of peace, I felt as though I was standing on the edge of the world.
