by Georgia Hill
Tash went to the window and looked out at the garden. She clung onto the icy sides of the Belfast sink, willing the cold porcelain to shock her senses. She and Adrian had spent weeks finding just the right one and even longer hunting down the taps to go with it. This kitchen was her pride and joy. She took immense pleasure in the black granite work surfaces, in the state of the art NEFF oven, in the gadgets that she and Adrian had collected but rarely had time to use. He loved her. He really loved her. Look at what they’d created together. Then why was it now flawed? If she was able to kiss another man, to contemplate going much further, then what was the future for her and Adrian? Thoughts of Kit filled her. Consumed her. The very core of her being ached for him. She hardly knew Kit and yet he’d managed to sum her up after a few weeks’ acquaintance. She concentrated on her breathing then splashed cold water over her face. This was her life. Her perfect life. This house and Adrian was all she’d ever wanted. And it was no longer enough. Adrian was no longer enough.
When he returned she greeted him with a smile.
The evening passed companionably. Adrian had drawn the line at the dog coming into the sitting room. When Benji woke them in the middle of the night howling, Adrian was too stupefied by wine, an Americano and a bout of vigorous sex to complain too much.
After seeing to the dog, Tash lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t know herself any more.
Chapter 23
‘Oh, hello Benji,’ Emma crooned. She got up to help Tash with the dog bed. ‘We’ll put you just here, shall we?’ She took the bed off Tash and put it in the back corner of the office. Bending down she stroked his ears. ‘You won’t be any trouble at all, will you?’
‘Do you think this will be alright?’ Tash flung her briefcase onto her desk and went through to the kitchen to stow Benji’s supplies. ‘It doesn’t look very professional. Having a dog in the workplace, I mean,’ she shouted through. ‘Adrian said it might lose us clients.’
‘I think it makes us look friendlier,’ Emma replied, stoutly. ‘Besides, Berecombe’s known to be dog-friendly and all the tourists come in with theirs. If anyone is really bothered we can always put him in the kitchen.’
‘Poor Benji. He’s being pushed from pillar to post. He had us up both nights at the weekend. He’s just not used to sleeping on his own. Mum lets him sleep on her bed.’
‘And I expect Adrian won’t tolerate that.’
‘No need to be snippy.’ Tash returned and collapsed onto her chair. ‘You’re right though. Ade won’t hear of Benji being anywhere in the house apart from the garden and the utility. He must be so lonely. Mum dotes on him, spoils him rotten.’ The little dog trotted up to her and rested his nose on her knee. ‘I’d live at Mum and Dad’s while they’re away but Adrian won’t hear of it.’
‘I bet he won’t.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘He does like to keep tabs on you, doesn’t he?’
Tash thought about defending him and decided she didn’t have the energy. ‘You’re right. He does. But it’s only because he cares so much.’
‘Hmph.’ Emma went into the kitchen and clicked on the kettle. ‘You’ve got to have space though, Tash.’
‘Like you and Ollie, you mean?’
Emma poked her head around the door. ‘Oi. Nothing wrong with my relationship, thank you.’
Tash hadn’t had enough sleep for an argument. ‘Nothing that Aidan Turner wouldn’t solve.’
Emma grinned. ‘Think that man would solve anything.’ She disappeared. ‘But only dressed as Ross Poldark.’ She returned with a packet of crisps. ‘Breakfast?’ She offered Tash one.
Tash shuddered. ‘How can you eat cheese and onion at this hour?’ As the phone began to ring, she added, ‘And don’t give any to Benji!’ She picked up the receiver. ‘Oh, hello Ade. Yes, of course I got to work alright. Why?’
Emma rolled her eyes and crunched her way through the crisps while waiting for Tash to finish on the phone. Making faces at Benji, she slipped him the tiniest morsel. When Tash put the receiver down, she exclaimed, ‘I can’t believe he rang you. You’ve only just left the house!’
‘Accident on the A35. He wanted to check I was okay.’
‘You don’t even come that way.’
‘Oh. Yes. Hadn’t thought about that.’
‘Tash, are you alright? Have you got over that bug? You just don’t seem yourself. Haven’t for ages.’
‘I’m perfectly fine,’ Tash said repressively. ‘It’s just lack of sleep.’
‘Okay,’ Emma said, not sounding convinced. ‘Well,’ she went on more cheerfully. ‘This should buck you up. The Morrisons called and, guess what, we’ve got their business. They definitely want us to market their bungalow.’
‘Oh Em, that’s fantastic news. Well done.’
‘I’ll ring Biddy to say it’s definitely on the market, if she’s interested, and I’ll chase up the brochure and make sure the pic gets pole position in the window. I’m going over this afternoon. I promised to give them some staging advice.’
Tash thought of the cluttered bungalow with its floral wallpaper and mis-matched carpets and, despite her tiredness, giggled. ‘Good luck with that then.’
Emma laughed too. ‘Yeah. Not sure how I’m going to get them to de-clutter that collection of Beswick figurines but I’ll give it my best shot. You going to the book club next week?’
‘Is it next week? That’s come round quickly. I haven’t even read the book yet.’
‘I wouldn’t worry about that. I bumped into Millie on Friday and she said the same. Said I’d email her the SparkNotes. You want them too?’
Tash nodded gratefully. ‘Brill. Yes please.’ Then a thought struck. She’d have to face Kit. And she wasn’t sure how she felt about that.
Chapter 24
Despite Tash’s worries about leaving Benji on his own for the evening, Adrian insisted he take her out.
‘Look, the house is detached,’ he grumbled. ‘He won’t disturb the neighbours.’
‘I’m not worried about him barking, I’m more worried about him being on his own. Mum doesn’t leave him. And what if he trashes the utility room?’
Adrian’s eyes narrowed. Tash could tell he was on the edge of losing his temper. ‘Natasha,’ he began. ‘Is it too much to ask to have an evening with you without that fleabag hanging around?’
Tash thought it through. If she made a fuss over this, he might be difficult about her going to the book group next week. Despite everything she was desperate to go. Benji couldn’t do all that much damage to a room full of white goods, could he? And she’d make sure he had all his favourite toys with him and leave the radio on. ‘Oh, alright then.’
‘You could sound a little more enthusiastic. I have a very special night planned.’
‘I’m sorry, Adrian.’ Tash forced a smile. ‘I’m tired. Busy day at the office.’
‘And yet, you still insist on working.’ Adrian compressed his lips. It made him look slightly sinister.
‘Let’s not go over that again, Ade.’ Everything was a battle between them at the moment. Her heart sank at the thought of one of Ade’s ‘Very Special Nights.’ It usually involved something extra-energetic after dinner. She was finding she shared Adrian’s sexual tastes less and less these days. Giving herself a shake, she scolded herself silently. For goodness’ sake, the man was offering to take her out, spoil her and she was being a real misery. ‘I’ll go and get ready then, shall I?’
Adrian’s eyes gleamed. ‘Put something sexy on, darling.’
‘Will do.’ Tash ran upstairs wondering what her problem was. A few months ago she would have jumped at the chance to be taken somewhere nice by Adrian. Now she longed for a night on the sofa in front of some brainless telly, cuddling the dog. ‘Must be getting old,’ she muttered to herself as she opened the wardrobe door. ‘Little black dress and heels it is then.’ It was the option that involved the least thought.
Adrian took her to Samphyr
e in Exeter. He loved seafood but, despite being brought up by the sea, Tash could take it or leave it. As they got out of the Porsche, she rebelled and wondered why he hadn’t bothered to ask her where she would have liked to go – she was dying to try the new Italian that had just opened – but she damped down on the thought as unworthy. Adrian tried so hard to please her sometimes. She smiled at him as he opened the restaurant door for her. ‘Lovely,’ she said brightly.
As they were led to their table she thought Adrian seemed nervous. There was a tic going in his cheek and he made a huge fuss about insisting they had the best table available. Everyone stared at them during his loud conversation with the maitre d’ and Tash got embarrassed. ‘Let’s just sit down, shall we, Ade?’ she hissed. Eventually they were settled, with snowy white napkins spread on their laps. A bottle of champagne in an ice bucket arrived. Adrian did his usual performance of tasting the wine and, after two glasses were poured, it was placed on an elaborate stand next to the table. Tash was beginning to sense this was something more than just a nice meal out and became uneasy.
‘Champagne midweek is a bit extravagant, isn’t it?’ she asked.
‘Not for tonight,’ he beamed. ‘I want to make it as special as possible.’
The evening continued uneventfully. The food was exquisite, the wine flowed and Tash found herself relaxing. Life with Adrian was good, she decided. She stopped glancing at her watch and worrying about Benji.
After their mains had been served, Adrian had had a furtive conversation with the waiter. Tash hadn’t given it much thought at the time but now, as she saw a huge ice-cream sundae coming her way, with a sparkler fizzing on top, she knew. ‘Oh Adrian,’ she whispered. ‘Please say you’re not about to—’
The sundae was placed in front of her. The waiter melted away tactfully and Adrian said, ‘Look at the sparkler darling. It’s a very special one. In fact, it hides another sparkler but of a different kind.’
Tash looked. Hanging off the sparkler, which had now fizzled out, was a diamond solitaire. The biggest diamond solitaire she’d ever seen.
‘Natasha Taylor,’ Adrian said and then slid off his chair and went down on one knee. Tash was aware of every other diner watching them avidly. ‘Will you do me the very great honour of becoming my wife?’
A ripple of a sigh went through the restaurant and someone began to clap. Someone else joined in and soon the whole room was filled with cheers and applause.
Tash looked about her, stricken. The delicious food she’d just eaten threatened to return. ‘I—’ she began.
‘That’s a yes folks,’ Adrian yelled. He jumped up, took the ring off the sparkler and slid it on Tash’s finger. He kissed her hard on the lips, his fingers biting into her shoulders as he clutched them. More cheers and applause resounded and a fresh bottle of champagne arrived.
Tash was dazed. How could she tell him in front of everyone? How could she say every nerve in her being rebelled against the idea of being married to him? He’d gone to so much trouble but hadn’t even waited for an answer. Just steamrolled her into submission. As usual. A wave of hot anger flooded her. How dare he put her in this impossible position? She picked up her champagne flute and drained it in one.
‘Happy darling?’ Adrian reached over and caressed her hand. ‘I am. You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.’ When she didn’t answer, he added, ‘Don’t want your pudding? What a shame. Toffee ice-cream sundae is your favourite. Too emotional to eat, hey?’ He chuckled and pulled the dish over. ‘Waste not, want not then. This evening has cost me a pretty packet. Not to mention the bling. Do you like it? Three carats,’ he boasted. ‘Only the best for my fiancée.’
For the remainder of the evening Tash let Adrian chatter on. He seemed oblivious to her silence and talked endlessly about getting a newer, bigger house, perhaps out in the country, another car, maybe a Range Rover, about how happy he was, that they should throw a party to celebrate. As they left he yelled at the maitre d’ that they’d be back to toast the first of the babies.
Benji was exhausted and whimpering when they returned, Tash assumed from barking. He’d also left a puddle by the back door. Numbly, she went to get the mop.
‘Don’t be long, darling,’ Adrian called from upstairs, with a snigger. ‘I’ve got a long night ahead planned for you.’
The light caught on the enormous diamond on her finger as she mopped up dog wee. Tash had never felt more trapped or more unhappy. And she had no idea how she was going to let Adrian down.
Chapter 25
Tash, only too aware that Benji’s presence was causing Adrian stress and wanting to keep him sweet so she could get to the book group, kept her feelings on the engagement quiet. She hated herself for being so cowardly but couldn’t face another argument. She was also frightened about how physically dominant he was getting. Part of Tash was shocked to the core that she could consider the possibility that Adrian might be violent towards her. The other part of her couldn’t deny he had been getting increasingly rough. In the way he touched her, in the way he made love. In the way he had begun to force her to do things she wasn’t happy about. So, for a few days, she let Adrian chatter on about plans for their future. The more she let him talk, the more she realised, just like the proposal itself, all the plans were about him and what he wanted. He never discussed them with her beforehand, just assumed she would go along with whatever he suggested. How had she morphed into this compliant creature lacking in self-confidence? She thought back over the last year. Adrian had gradually taken over her life. Sorted all the house admin, planned what they were going to eat, even insisting he did things like put new tyres on her car. He booked the holidays and presented them as a fait accompli. It was all done with love, he said. She was far too busy at work to be bothered over such things and, besides, he was better at stuff like that. At first Tash had been grateful to have time freed up so she could concentrate on her job. Now, looking back, Tash could see how controlling he had become and how it had sapped her confidence. Reflecting on Emma’s words that she’d been much more fun before Adrian, she felt her stomach drop. It was true. She’d lost herself.
She needed to leave but knew she had to think through what to do and what to say. Adrian would argue, try to persuade her to stay. He’d be shocked and hurt. He loved her in his way but she knew he’d manipulate the situation to get what he wanted. With a sinking heart she realised that was the problem: Adrian was a manipulative man. And she couldn’t stay with someone like that. It was time to consider what she wanted. To put herself first.
She avoided the next few group training sessions and went running on her own. It gave her some space from Adrian and meant she avoided having to see Kit. He had been right but she couldn’t face having to apologise to him and admit her perfect life was shattered into a million pieces. She took Benji along on her runs and the little dog was looking much more fit and trimmer. It also meant she didn’t have to leave him with Adrian.
Chapter 26
‘Still think it’s a cruel book,’ Biddy launched in.
The book group had convened again, and up for discussion was Wuthering Heights.
Amy bit her lip, looking put out. ‘I’d hoped I could introduce the book and perhaps put it into context?’ She glanced around, appealing for help.
‘Great idea Amy,’ Kit said, giving her a supportive smile.
‘Perhaps we could take a few minutes to decide how we’re going to run the discussions?’ offered Millie. ‘Before we start on the actual book.’
There was a general murmuring of agreement, with the exception of Biddy who muttered something about there being too much messing about going on.
Tash had been half-dreading, half-counting down the minutes until the book group. She’d been frantic that Adrian would pull a stunt and force her to stay at home. She’d been stupidly gullible to fall for his lie when he’d insisted he was too ill to go to her parents’ dinner. A lot of things were falling into place. The way he steamrolled over every d
ecision of their lives, the weird business over her work clothes, his attempts to cut her off from her friends and family – she’d double-checked the answerphone and it was working. She assumed Adrian had erased the messages from her mother and from Emma, for whatever reason. In a spare moment at work she’d googled manipulative behaviour and what he was doing was a classic example. She’d looked up gas-lighting and, with a dawning sense of horror, realised that was what Adrian had been doing too.
‘What do you think Tash?’ Amy asked.
She came back to the book group with a bump. ‘Sorry, miles away. You sure you don’t mind me bringing Benji? I didn’t want to leave him on his own. He gets distressed.’
‘It’s no problem, Tash.’ Amy smiled kindly. ‘I’ve heard he’s become quite a celeb in town these past few days. And he seems to get on with Elvis.’ She nodded to where the two dogs had cuddled up together in the middle of the reading area, in a sort of black and white curled up comma.
Biddy grunted. ‘Wonders will never cease.’ She huffed. ‘Still, as a hearing assistance dog, Elvis is entitled to be here.’
‘And we’d never dream of saying otherwise,’ Millie put in. ‘So how are we going to do these meetings then?’
There followed some discussion on how it would all work. Tash remained silent, acutely aware of Kit’s presence in the chair next to her. As people were wont to do, everyone had sat in exactly the same spot as they had during the very first meeting. All had been taken by the time Tash had arrived. She’d been trying to get a non-compliant Benji to have a wee on the beach beforehand and had come in last. She felt Kit’s nearness acutely. Could hear the rustle of his shirt sleeve as he reached for his glass of wine, could hear him crunch into the upmarket crisps Millie had provided. It was as if every sense had been super-powered. She hadn’t been able to meet his eyes, or even mutter a greeting. Kit, on the other hand, had treated her as he always had.
