Monkey Wrench

by Liza Cody

  Whoever has the pennies has the power, I always say. Which is why I intend to earn as many dolly-drops as I can. And when I’m rich and famous I won’t have to be polite to bobble-heads ever again.

  When I got tired of watching Lineker chase rats I went back to the Static. Crystal had woken up and put the kettle on. Her little monkey face was a picture of woe, and I thought it was about time she went home. She was making a dent in my cheerful disposition.

  But she said, ‘I wish I knew who did it, Eva. There was more than one of them. The girls said Dawn went out with two blokes, and she had punch marks and boot marks all over.’

  ‘If I do decide to teach self-defence,’ I said, ‘one of the first things I’ll say is, “Never take on two at a time.” That’s so dumb.’

  ‘Dawn wasn’t very clever,’ Crystal said.

  ‘Still, she was rat-arsed,’ I said, trying to be kind. ‘Could be she was seeing double and didn’t know the difference.’

  ‘She didn’t have any money on her,’ Crystal said. ‘So the bastards robbed her too.’

  ‘Maybe she drank it.’

  ‘No,’ Crystal said. ‘The girls say she bought her last drink out of a ten-pound note.’

  ‘That’s another thing,’ I said. ‘Always hide your stash. No point reeling round with tenners in your pocket, putting temptation in people’s way.’

  ‘I don’t think it was about money,’ Crystal said. ‘She didn’t have much. And y’know, she didn’t look like she had any, either. Not in the last year, anyhow. She looked, well, like no one cared.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I saw her.’ She’d been like something you see in the gutter. No self-respect.

  ‘But I cared,’ Crystal said. ‘She was my Dawnie. But I couldn’t stop her boozing, and I couldn’t stop her, y’know, going with blokes. Never could. Not even when we was young. And now, no one cares even less. The cops don’t care. They aren’t even looking for who killed her. They say it goes with the job, for someone like Dawn.’

  ‘They would,’ I said. I wouldn’t want anyone to catch me agreeing with the polizei, but they had a point.

  ‘So Eva,’ Crystal said. ‘If I find out who did it, will you help me kill them? Or something?’

  What a question! Me. Kill someone over Dawn? Crystal had to be bonkers. When I thought about it I realised she was bonkers. And if it was my sister on a meat tray with boot marks all over I might be bonkers too. But I wasn’t going to put myself out over Dawn. No way.

  ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘You find ’em, I’ll kick ’em.’

  Well, I had to, didn’t I? Crystal was demented, right? Always agree with a demented woman, because if you try to reason with her you’ll end up as demented as she is. In fact you’ll end up agreeing with her. So why not save yourself the bother of becoming demented and agree straight off?

  Just for once in my life I’d said the right thing because Crystal finished her tea and dropped off to sleep again, although even in sleep she looked forlorn.

  But she was in my way. I had to creep around in case she woke up with any more thoughts which would need a total brain bypass to understand.

  I got through the night one way or another, and then I penned the dogs and went to bed.

  ’Course I had to dream about it, didn’t I? Other people’s griefs are infectious. You catch ’em like a case of the snivels. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe I’m just sensitive. Yeah. That’s it. But in dreams it all comes out churned up. Because while I don’t give a squashed turd about Crystal’s sister I do give one about mine. And in this dream I had a baby. Only it wasn’t a baby, it was my sister, Simone, and she was all black and blue. And she was dead. But the horrible part was that she kept sitting up and pushing her black and blue face into mine saying things like, ‘You shouldn’t have let them do it. You should have looked after me.’ And I’d say, ‘Do what? You’re only a baby.’ And, ‘I can’t have a baby. You’re my sister.’ And I wanted it to stop. I wanted to get away. But I couldn’t move.

  I was really cheesed off, I can tell you. And it was all Crystal’s fault.

  I was even more cheesed off when she woke me up at one o’clock. I hadn’t had enough kip.

  ‘You’re in a putrid mood, Eva,’ she said. ‘You better buck yourself up. We’re going down the Full Moon.’

  ‘Drink piss,’ I said. ‘I’m not going nowhere.’ I turned over and dragged my sleeping bag up round my ears. I’d forgotten, see. And anyway, I never said I would. I just said I’d think about it.

  ‘It’s not like you to turn down a paying gig,’ Crystal said. ‘Some of those women are loaded.’

  I shut my eyes and said nothing.

  ‘Don’t matter,’ Crystal said. ‘There’s loads of blokes who know kung-fu and all that stuff. Bella could get one of them. Easy. One of the big blokes from your gym. They’d prob’ly know more about it than you do anyway.’

  I was half way up Mandala Street, with Crystal trotting along behind, before I remembered what she was like. Find your mark and milk it. That should be written on her tombstone. And she’ll have a tombstone sooner than she expects if she thinks she can twist me round her finger like she does with one of her punters up the market. Conniving little cow.

  We went all the way up Mandala Street, through the market, to the pub. As we went, people called out to Crystal, ‘Sorry for your trouble, Littl’un,’ and ‘Give us the word about the funeral, Crys, I’ll let you have some flowers.’ Stuff like that. Everyone knew Crystal. No one said a dicky-bird to me, even though I get my name on posters.

  The Full Moon was packed with everybody except Bella and her mates. Frigging typical. Those slags are so unreliable they can’t be bothered to turn up and learn something that might save their skins. I’d taken the trouble to show up so why couldn’t they?

  Crystal went scurrying off to round them up, and I ordered meat pie and chips for my breakfast. Harsh says I ought to eat more vegetables. Well, chips is potato, right? And potato is vegetable. I don’t know why Harsh is so hard on chips.

  Harsh also says I should drink fruit juice so I had a lager and lime instead of straight bitter, even though lager and lime is a poncy sort of drink. I was feeling quite virtuous. Having fruit and veg for breakfast meant I could eat what I liked for the rest of the day.

  ‘You come then,’ Bella said, when she showed up.

  ‘Quicker than you did,’ I said.

  ‘This here’s Eva Wylie,’ Bella said to the two women behind her.

  ‘And this here’s Stef and Mandy,’ she said to me.

  Crystal said, ‘Kath and Lynn are down the dole office. They’ll come when they can.’

  So I looked at Stef, Mandy and Bella, and, know what? Not one of them looked as if she’d be as good as a chocolate frying pan. Bella was only two inches taller than Crystal, Stef was a skinny little zombie and Mandy would have to go on a diet to fit in a circus tent. If they had one functioning muscle between the three of them I’d die of shock.

  ‘Poop on a pogo-stick,’ I said.

  ‘What?’ said Crystal.

  ‘The state of them,’ I said. ‘They don’t look very fit, do they?’ I was trying to be polite.

  ‘Fit fer what?’ Mandy said. ‘We don’t got to look like you, I hope.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do much business if I looked like her,’ Stef said. ‘Hey, Bella, we ain’t going to end up like her, are we?’

  ‘I don’t like muscly women,’ podge-ball Mandy said.

  ‘It ain’t feminine,’ said Stef.

  ‘A fine way to talk to your fairy fucking godmother,’ I said. I stood up. As far as I was concerned they could all get their arses booted from here to Cardiff and back. It was their own stupid doing.

  ‘If you think trolloping around like a kicking waiting to happen is fucking feminine,’ I said, ‘good bleeding luck to you. You’ll get exactly what you deserve.’

  ‘Don’t you fucking shout at us,’ Bella screamed. ‘I thought you’d understand. But you’re no better than a man – th
e way you go on about what we do.’

  ‘And you’re no better than a man – the way you go on about my looks,’ I said. ‘I know I’m no oil-painting, but nobody lays a finger on me ’less I’m paid for it.’

  ‘No one’d want to,’ said Mandy.

  ‘Shut up, shut up, shut up,’ bellowed Crystal. For a gnome she had a healthy pair of lungs. ‘Shut up and sit down, all of yer.’

  Would you believe it? We all shut up and sat down. That Crystal. She looked like a mouse going nuclear. If they turned off the lights she’d glow in the dark.

  ‘What’s the matter with you all?’ she said. ‘Yer all mental. Dawnie died yesterday. Just a couple of yards away. And yesterday you was all in here going, “What’ll we do? What’ll we do? There’s a bleeding ripper about. There’s none of us safe.” Now look at you! Don’t none of you care about Dawn? Don’t none of you care about yourselves? If you’d been down the morgue, like me, and seen her all broken up, you’d care all right. You’d be frightened for more than twenty-four hours.’

  ‘I’m frightened all the time,’ Bella said. Which showed she had a brain or two hidden behind all that paint and hair. I’d be frightened too if I was her size and walked around in a skirt no bigger than a hair band. It wasn’t a skirt, it was a piece of string tying her thighs together so she couldn’t run away.

  ‘Don’t say it, Eva,’ Crystal said, like she could read my mind. ‘Don’t say nothing at all. Just shut up and listen to what’s been happening here. Bella, you been around longest, you tell her. Tell her what you was talking about yesterday.’

  ‘We were talking about three dead women,’ Bella said. ‘They all worked round here. They all used this pub. We think there’s someone out to get us.’

  ‘Or two of ’em together,’ Mandy said. ‘Dawn left here with two blokes.’

  ‘You said you didn’t see them,’ Crystal said. ‘You told the cops you didn’t see.’

  ‘Well, we saw them,’ Bella said. ‘But we didn’t see them. It was just another two blodgers who followed Dawn out. I wasn’t paying any attention. I only pay attention to the ones who pay attention to me. Sorry Crys.’

  ‘None of us saw,’ Stef said. ‘I wish we had, ’cos now there’s two killers out there and we don’t know who.’

  ‘They may not be out there,’ Mandy said. ‘They may be in here.’

  ‘Looking at us,’ Stef said.

  ‘Wondering which next,’ Mandy said.

  ‘Change pubs,’ I said.

  They looked at me like I was stupid. But while they’d been nattering on, scaring themselves silly, I’d been watching the drinkers watching them. Normally I just see a load of people, faces. But this time I saw a load of men. There’s nothing like sitting in a busy pub with a bunch of business girls to make you see the men, and only the men.

  ‘This pub has advantages,’ Bella said.

  ‘What advantages?’

  ‘The market,’ Bella said. ‘Lots of people use the market and drink here.’

  ‘It’s open all day,’ Mandy said. ‘We got working hours to suit ourselves.’

  ‘The landlord don’t give us no aggro,’ Stef said.

  ‘We live round here,’ said Bella. ‘The kids know where to find us, and we can keep an eye on the kids.’

  ‘You’re all right,’ Stef said. ‘You’ve got your granddad to babysit. The law went and took my Trevor.’

  ‘Her boyfriend,’ Bella said. ‘Living off immoral earnings, they said.’

  ‘They just locked up my babysitter,’ said Stef. ‘It’s not fair.’

  ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘You all got kids?’ And here was me thinking my ma was a slut.

  ‘Some of us,’ Bella said. ‘What you think? If you’re on the game you didn’t ought to have kids?’

  ‘She didn’t say nothing,’ Crystal said. ‘Don’t start. Stick to the point. The point is you need protection. Right?’

  ‘How can anyone protect them,’ I said to Crystal. ‘They got to be alone to do the business. They got to protect themselves.’

  ‘Show her the alley and the car park,’ Crystal said. ‘She don’t know what’s involved.’

  ‘You show her,’ Bella said. ‘She don’t want to keep company with us “slags”. She thinks she’s too good for us.’

  What a laugh! Have you noticed – it’s the people who despise you who accuse you of thinking you’re too good for them? Go on, check it out next time it happens and you’ll see I’m right.

  Those slags despised me! And all because I’m big and strong and not feminine enough for them. And I make an honest living. Well, nearly honest. Too good for them! I’ll say I’m too good!

  ‘What’s everyone drinking?’ Crystal said quickly. ‘C’mon Eva, we’ll get a round in. I’m buying.’

  So we went to the bar. Which was a good thing because I couldn’t get away from that table fast enough. They were all such losers. They just couldn’t wait to climb on that meat tray and join Dawn. I fucking hate women who parade themselves around like they’re saying, ‘Here I am, come and have me, and if you fancy a bit of rough stuff you can do that too. Nothing I can do about it except whine.’ It gives us all a bad name.

  I’m not like that. Never have been. Never will be. And I’m glad.

  ‘It’s a job,’ Crystal said. ‘It’s only a job, Eva.’

  We were at the bar, waiting to be served.

  ‘It’s not the job,’ I said, although it was. ‘It’s the attitude.’

  ‘You mustn’t judge,’ she said. ‘I never judged Dawnie. I thought, one time, Dawn might save up and be a beautician. She was clever with her face. And she could’ve had her own salon, y’know. When she was earning a lot. But she wasn’t no good with money. She’d make it, and then she’d spend it. She never put anything by. It’s no good wishing people are what they’re not. Y’know, like clever or careful or strong.’

  ‘You can learn,’ I said.

  ‘No you can’t,’ Crystal said. ‘Well, you can learn some things. But I can’t learn to be tall or pretty. You can’t learn to be Einstein, and Dawn couldn’t learn to be a career woman to suit me. People are what they are.’

  And then it was our turn. The landlord said, ‘What’s it to be, Crystal?’ And Crystal was about to give our order when the landlord’s wife came up and said, ‘This one’s on the house, Crystal. We were really sorry about your sister.’

  Crystal said, ‘Thanks, but it’s my round and there are five of us.’

  The landlady looked over to where Bella, Stef and Mandy were sitting. She said, ‘Oh well, just this once. I expect the girls are really shaken up.’

  And she poured drinks for everybody, even me. I couldn’t help noticing how much credit Crystal had everywhere. Maybe no one else knew her like I did. I knew her when she was a little thief and a scrounger. She probably still is, for all I know. Where else would she come by all that junk she sells on her stall?

  But, see, that’s how she survived when she was cold and hungry and never had a pot to piss in – thieving and scrounging and knowing the right mark to milk.

  And I survived by being big and learning to be strong.

  And Dawn? Well, Dawn didn’t survive, did she, so I can’t hold her up as an example, can I?

  What I mean is, thinking makes my teeth ache. And toothache reminds me why I need gelt.

  ‘Where you going?’ Crystal said.

  ‘Dunno,’ I said. ‘I’m not going nowhere.’

  I hate it when someone interrupts me thinking.

  ‘What’s it all about?’ the landlady said. ‘Council of war or what?’

  ‘Eva here’s going to do self-defence classes,’ Crystal said.

  Which was a liberty.

  ‘Now that’s a good idea,’ the landlady said.

  ‘That’s a fucking awful idea,’ the landlord said. ‘Women learning how to beat up men! I don’t think I like that at all.’

  ‘You don’t learn how to beat up men,’ Crystal said. ‘You learn how to stop them beating you
up.’

  ‘I never took you for butch, Crystal,’ the landlord said. ‘Your legs aren’t hairy enough and you’re far too small.’

  ‘Well, I think it’s a good idea,’ the landlady said. ‘The things that go on round here. A woman isn’t safe walking to the newsagent and back. Put me down for a couple of lessons, Crystal.’

  ‘What do you want self-defence for?’ the landlord said. ‘You’ve got me to defend you.’

  ‘Not all the time, I haven’t,’ she said. ‘And besides who’s going to defend me against you when you turn nasty?’

  ‘That’s enough!’ the landlord said. He pointed at Bella, Mandy and Stef, sitting at the table waiting for their drinks. ‘That’s who you’d be doing your lessons with, and I’m not having it. My wife isn’t going to socialise with that sort. Maybe they should learn to take better care of themselves – I don’t know and I don’t care. They aren’t my responsibility. But my wife is, and I’m not having my reputation ruined by you and your damn fool fads.’

  The funny thing was, I could have grabbed the front of his shirt, hauled him across the bar, landed him a couple of easy ones on his knobbly little chin, had a sip of my drink, decked his wife and robbed his till – all in the time it took him to jibber out that load of gob-vomit. Him? He couldn’t defend a duck from a stale crust of bread! His precious reputation was kumquats as far as I was concerned.

  ‘Eva!’ Crystal said. ‘Take the drinks over, and shut up.’

  It’s a good thing for that poxy landlord I’m into self-control and mental discipline.

  I took the drinks over to our table, but I didn’t shut up.

  ‘I don’t give shit for your opinion,’ I told Bella. ‘I don’t give shit for your job, and I don’t give shit for you. But if you want to learn how to look after yourself, and if the money’s right, I’ll show you what’s what. Take it or leave it.’

  Chapter 4

  We left the Full Moon and stood on the pavement outside. It was a busy road with traffic groaning and growling nonstop.

  ‘What do you mean I can’t learn to be Einstein,’ I asked Crystal. ‘I can be whatever suits me. Who’s this Einstein anyway?’