by Liza Cody
‘I didn’t know you was that hungry,’ I said. It’s a good thing I’m into mental discipline. ‘If I’d known you was that hungry,’ I said, ‘I’d of brought you a septic tank to suck on.’
Mental discipline is what saved California Carl’s nuts. That and the fact that everything was nailed down. And also my teeth were hurting.
But he better watch out. I burn slow. And I don’t forget.
‘Going?’ he said. ‘So soon? What’s the matter, Eva – can’t you take a joke? That’s the trouble with you girls. No sense of humour.’
I don’t forget and I won’t forget. Not about Gruff and Pete and their python. Nor about the mice. Nor about California Carl. Especially California Carl.
On my way out I met Mr Deeds coming in.
‘Oy! Where’s the fire?’ he said. ‘You could’ve knocked me over. Still, I’m glad you’re here. I want to talk to you about masks.’
‘What?’
‘Masks, Eva. What you put over your head when you don’t want anyone to see your face.’
‘I know what a mask is. I ain’t pig ignorant.’
‘Very popular,’ he said. ‘Kendo Nagasaki, the Rasputin Brothers. It’s the air of mystery. What I want to know, Eva, is have you ever seen a woman fight in a mask?’
‘What woman?’
‘No woman,’ Mr Deeds said. ‘Have you ever seen one? Only me and some of the boys were talking dinner time. And we reckoned a mask might suit you Eva.’
‘What mask?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, sounding cross. Which made two of us. ‘I don’t know what mask. That’d be up to you. The Woman in the Iron Mask. Could be a splash, Eva. Think about it.’
Some of the boys and Mr Deeds. Talking about me at dinner time. Masks.
‘Where you going, Eva?’ Mr Deeds shouted. ‘I ain’t finished.’
‘Dentist,’ I said. ‘I got toothache.’
Mr Deeds is the guv’nor. He is Mr Money Bags. He pays me my purse. I can’t sit on his head and chop his legs off at the knees. I can’t stuff his head in a bag like he wants to stuff mine. And cut off his light and air.
I’ve seen those masks, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in one. You can’t see proper. You can’t hear proper. You can’t breathe or talk.
Wear a mask? I’d rather disembowel myself with a rusty spoon.
One day, I’m going to be so freaky famous, no one, not Mr Deeds, not California Carl, not Gruff, not Pete, no one will have the nerve to piss me around.
Chapter 9
I don’t like running. In fact, I despise running. Running don’t do nothing but hurt your knees and puff you out.
The gym was enemy city that day. But I am a big girl and I need exercise, so I ran all the way from the gym back to Mandala Street. Which is most of two miles.
I did not jog. Jogging is for recreationals. I ran. Get the difference? Good. Not many do.
It was mizzling and cold enough to make your nose drip. I ran, but I didn’t enjoy it. It was turning out to be the sort of day I don’t enjoy.
By the time I got to Mandala Street it seemed my whole life was like that – just one mega screw-up after another. Beginning with birth. If you don’t believe me, ask my ma. She’ll tell you. Why shouldn’t she tell you? She tells me often enough.
My ma wishes I’d never been born. More than that, she wishes I’d never been got. She says she was sick for the whole nine months and when that was over I came out the wrong way round. The doctor had to haul me out by the feet. She says I ripped her from stem to stern and I’ve been nothing but trouble ever since.
My ma has been ashamed of me since day one. She says no one at the hospital had ever seen such an ugly baby. She says my sister Simone cried when she took me home. She says Simone cried and asked for a pretty doll instead. I bet she’s lying. Simone’d never say a stupid thing like that. She’s a lying cow, my ma.
She says she doesn’t know who my dad is. I used to want to know who he was when I was a kid but I don’t care any more. Why should I? But she should know. You don’t go round having daughters by any old bim you meet, do you? I bet she knows, and she’s lying as usual. Like she does about Simone. She just wants to keep us all apart.
That’s the sort of thing you think about when you’re running. Running doesn’t occupy the mind like weight-training does. Running gives you the hump.
I had the hump by the time I got to Mandala Street.
Crystal was not on her stall so I went to the Premises. She was coming out just as I got there.
She said, ‘Oh Eva, I was going to fetch you. Queenie’s in a bad way.’
I went in.
Everyone was there. I was all amazed because the place had changed so much. The shop floor had been swept out and there was a light. In the back room I found fat Mandy, Kath with the bosoms, a little boy, and a plumber.
Kath said, ‘Cup of tea, Eva. Milk and sugar?’
‘Yeah,’ I said, blinking. They were boiling water in an electric kettle. The plumber was on the floor with his head under the sink.
Kath said, ‘This is Stef’s kid, Marlon.’
A bigger kid came in saying, ‘I wanna biscuit.’ He stopped when he saw me. He stood for a minute with his mouth open. ‘Hey!’ he said. ‘You’re Bucket Nut, ain’cha?’
‘Don’t be so fucking rude,’ Mandy said. ‘This is Eva.’
‘Who’re you?’ I said.
‘Stu,’ Mandy said. ‘He’s Kath’s eldest.’
‘Can I have your autograph?’ Stu said. ‘You’re nearly famous, aren’t you?’
‘Less of the “nearly”,’ I said.
‘Stop strutting, Eva,’ Crystal said. ‘Queenie and Justin’s upstairs.’
‘What the fuck’s happening?’ I said. ‘Everyone’s here, and it ain’t exactly discreet.’
‘You heard of squatters’ rights?’ she said.
‘No,’ I said. ‘When you and me was roughing it, squatters had rights like donkeys had feathers.’
‘Well,’ she said, leading the way upstairs, ‘I thought, “The more the merrier.” Like, the more of us there are in here, the more “in” we are, the harder it’ll be to get us out. And it’s ever so damp downstairs, so we had to get Justin and Queenie up to a smaller room we could keep warm. And we needed power and water so Kath brought her feller. He’s quite handy. And some of the market people helped too.’
‘You told them?’ I said. ‘Shit, Crystal, they’ll dob on us.’
‘They’re mates of mine,’ she said. ‘Mates don’t dob on mates.’
Crystal didn’t used to have any mates at all. When me and Crystal teamed up, even her own sister wouldn’t take her in.
There were two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs.
‘We thought the front room was best for Justin,’ Crystal said.
Who the fuck was ‘we’? That’s what I wanted to know. It was supposed to be my premises, my gym. It was supposed to be Crystal and me.
I was going to ask, but she opened the bedroom door. Inside was Bella, Stef and Justin. There was a big mattress on the floor and Justin was in bed. Last night he only had a sleeping bag. Now there were sheets and pillows and he looked warm and comfy. He was eating soup out of a china bowl. Stef was holding the bowl.
‘You landed on your feet,’ I said.
‘I’ve been incredibly lucky,’ he said. He looked at me out of swimming pool eyes.
‘He ain’t well,’ Stef said. ‘Eat yer soup, Justin. You got to keep your strength up.’
‘It’s Queenie,’ Justin said. ‘It’s Queenie who isn’t well.’
Queenie lay at the end of the mattress. She looked half dead and barely breathing. There were two little fur balls cuddled into her stomach.
I squatted down to look. I didn’t touch her or the little fur balls. You got to be careful of dogs who just had puppies. They don’t like strangers butting in.
Justin was right to be worried.
Bella said, ‘I don’t think she’s got any milk.’
Crystal said, ‘We thought you’d know what to do.’
‘She’s not right, is she?’ Justin said.
‘Her babies are okay though, aren’t they?’ Crystal said.
‘There was too much blood,’ Justin said. ‘There shouldn’t be. With dogs, I mean. She tried too hard, poor thing.’
‘Eat yer soup,’ Stef said.
‘What you think?’ Bella said. She was leaning against the window with her arms folded.
‘I think Justin’s right,’ I said. ‘This ain’t normal.’
‘Poor old girl,’ Justin said. He leaned forward and stroked her head very gently.
I watched carefully. Queenie’s eyelid flickered and the muscles at the base of her spine twitched. She wanted to wag her tail but she wasn’t strong enough.
Ain’t that amazing? The poor old bitch was dying but she was still grateful Justin stroked her.
‘What you going to do?’ Bella said from the window.
‘Get a vet,’ I said. ‘She’s too far gone for home nursing.’
‘I haven’t got any money,’ Justin said. ‘You’ll never get a vet to come here.’
‘Wanna bet?’ I said. I stood up.
‘Eat yer soup before it gets cold,’ Stef said. ‘Eva’ll look after Queenie.’
‘Keep her warm,’ I said, ‘and try and get some water down her.’
‘She won’t drink her tea,’ Justin said sadly.
‘Try and get some water in her mouth,’ I said. ‘She looks as if she’s drying up.’
‘She can’t hold her head up.’
‘Use an eye dropper or something,’ I said. Honestly, I have to think of everything. Justin had no right to give up on Queenie. Not when she was using her last bit of strength to show she loved him.
Bella peeled herself off of the window.
‘I’ll get something from the chemist,’ she said. ‘What about a douche bag? Will that do?’
‘How would I know?’ I said. I went downstairs with Crystal and Bella.
‘You just want to drip some water in her mouth and down her throat,’ I said. ‘You don’t want to choke her.’
‘Okay,’ Bella said. ‘What about a gravy baster.’
‘Jesus!’ I said. Because I never seen a gravy baster. I never seen a douche bag either. Bella was just saying it to make me feel ignorant.
‘Only an eye dropper seems awfully small,’ Bella said. ‘And Queenie’s a big dog. Suppose she bites it and ends up with broken glass in her mouth?’
‘Don’t you go near her,’ I said. ‘Whatever you get, you let Justin do the business. Right?’
‘Right,’ she said. ‘I don’t like big dogs anyway.’
Which showed what sort of woman she was.
‘Where you going?’ Crystal said.
‘Phone.’
‘Who?’
‘Vet.’
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Yeah. You know, we could do with a phone.’ And she got that look in her eye which meant some poor bugger from the phone company had better watch out.
And I thought about Flying Phil.
‘Portables,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘Portable phones. I was thinking, like, for the girls anyway. And personal alarms.’ Because Harsh was right really. Those scrubbers had about as much idea of self-defence as those whiskery little mice. And you know what was going to happen to those whiskery little mice, don’t you? They was going to get eaten alive. If the best they could do was squeak, they better learn to squeak loud. Very loud.
‘Lord love us all,’ Bella said.
‘What?’ Crystal said.
‘Old Bucket Nut’s been thinking.’
‘Shut up, Bella, Eva’s got a point.’
‘No, I mean it,’ Bella said. ‘I’m touched. I could’ve sworn she never gave us “slags” another thought.’
‘A lot you know,’ I said, and I went off up Mandala Street before she could ask what else I’d been thinking about. Which was that there was too many people in the Premises. Too much going down. It made my brain feel all creased and crumpled.
There is only one public phone box in Mandala Street, and there was a queue outside of it. I don’t like phone boxes. They’re like stood up coffins. I didn’t fancy waiting in a queue to stand in a coffin. Besides, that coffin’s what the boys piss in when it’s cold.
So I decided to visit the vet in person. I thought I’d give him the full force of my charm and personality. Which is best done in person. Because, in spite of what I told Justin, that vet’s a lazy sod and if there was a way of ducking a housecall he’d find it. If Ramses or Lineker ever needed him, we went to him. He never came out to us.
It wasn’t far, and when I got there he was just sitting down to his tea.
He said, ‘No. The best thing is for the owner to bring the dog in. There’s less trauma to the animal that way.’
‘Less trauma to you, more like.’
‘I beg your pardon!’
I stuck my fists on my hips and ruffled up my muscles like I do before a fight. I said, ‘The owner’s sick too. He ain’t got no transport. The dog can’t walk. I told you. There’s two newborn puppies.’
‘I’m just about to have my supper,’ he whined. ‘I’ll put you on my visiting list for the morning.’
‘I’ll wait,’ I said. And I stood there with my foot in the door. I could smell roast beef. And so could he. It’s lucky I’m such a patient person.
‘You’ll have to go now,’ he said. ‘I’ll come in the morning.’
‘Now.’
‘In the morning.’
‘Now.’
‘Oh hell!’ he said. ‘I’ll get a locum.’
‘Get what you like,’ I said. ‘But come now.’
‘Please don’t raise your voice to me,’ he said. ‘What I’m going to do for you is to ring one of my colleagues who may be available. Now, be so kind as to let me close the door.’
I’ve heard that one before. I leaned on the door until he stepped back. I walked in.
What a bim. Did he really think I was going to let him shut me out? Me? Wait around till he’d filled his fat belly, smoked his pipe and picked fluff out of his tummy button? Not sodding likely. I may be patient but I’m not that patient.
I stood over him while he got his scrubbed little fingers round the phone. He was very polite to whoever he was talking to. He even called me a lady. But he turned his back while he was talking so I couldn’t see what he was calling me with his face.
When he finished talking and put the phone down his face said nothing, but his mouth said, ‘Stop looming over me, Eva. It’s all arranged. Mrs Gibbs will meet you in Mandala Street in an hour’s time. Will that suit? I do hope that will suit.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘But she better be good or I’m coming back.’ And I went out. The roast beef was making my mouth water, but the vet didn’t look like he wanted me to stay and eat some.
I bought a couple of burgers on the way back and ate them while I walked.
Sometimes you got to force people to do things you need done. You got to twist their arms and tweak their noses till they do their jobs. Makes you wonder why they got their jobs in the first place, doesn’t it? I mean, why did that bim want to be a vet if he couldn’t get off his fat arse to see a dying dog? For money. That’s why. When you’re an expert at something like sick animals you can make a lot of dosh. Because people with sick animals will pay a lot of dosh. So the vet gets rich and then he can do what he likes. He doesn’t have to care and he doesn’t have to turf out to see a poor dying old bitch if he doesn’t want to. If he wants to eat roast beef instead, he’ll eat roast beef instead, and sod anyone who needs him.
I despise needing a rich person who’s an expert. I always try to find someone poor. But you won’t find a poor vet. Or a poor doctor or a dentist or a lawyer however hard you try.
If that vet’s father was a syphilitic goat, his mother was a dung beetle.
I decided to go back to the gym and rescue the mice.
But by the time I decided, I was back in Mandala Street. What with thinking about vets and all, I’d lost track, and there I was back in Mandala Street with Crystal swinging off my sleeve like the lunatic monkey she was.
‘What’s up, Eva?’ she was saying. ‘What’s the matter? Where you going? Couldn’t you find the vet?’
‘Leave off dragging my arm,’ I said. ‘I’m going to rescue some mice.’
‘Don’t shout, Eva,’ she said. ‘Where’s the vet? What mice?’
‘Let go my arm!’
‘You’re all of a tiz-woz, Eva,’ she said. ‘Have a beer and calm down.’
‘You got beer in there?’
‘While you was gone Kath’s Billy brought us in an old fridge and fixed it up. We got a few pints to celebrate.’
‘Celebrate what?’ I said.
‘Your premises,’ she said. ‘Grand opening. We got mats and everything, Eva. Wait till you see. Come and have a beer.’
‘Oh well,’ I said. ‘Just the one.’ And I followed her into the Premises.
They weren’t proper mats. They were old horsehair mattresses. But they’d do. The only trouble was they were all rolled up on the shop floor and they had people lolling around on them. There was Bella, Mandy and Stef with her little Marlon. And there was Lynn and Kath with the bosoms, and Kath’s Billy and little Stu. Which was a lot of people in a small shop.
They were all talking and laughing and drinking beer out of plastic mugs and jam jars. Bob Marley was singing ‘Is It Love?’ from a blast box and there was this sweet smell of smoko.
‘Piss in the port,’ I said to Crystal, ‘this is nothing but a whore’s parlour.’ And everyone cracked up cackling and kicking their heels although it wasn’t funny at all. Some gym!
‘It’s a celebration,’ Crystal said, and she fetched me a beer out of the back kitchen.
I couldn’t think what I was doing drinking beer with a party of trollops, and suddenly it felt like the bone had gone out of my legs. So I had a big slurp and sat down on the floor till my strength came back.
