Mossbelly MacFearsome and the Dwarves of Doom

by Alex Gardiner

  Queen Gwri, Mossbelly MacFearsome and the two remaining dwarves turned and walked away. They passed through the shimmering hill and vanished. Roger, Maddie and Lady Goodroom stood for a moment looking at nothing, they could hear sirens wailing in the distance.

  ‘I never got to ask him,’ said Roger, still gazing after the departed dwarves.

  ‘Ask him what?’ Lady Goodroom staggered a little, as Wullie slumped in her arms again.

  ‘What happens to the frogs?’ asked Roger. ‘The ones they use for the Frog Gobbing.’

  ‘Oh, they’re fine,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘They puff themselves up and bounce along the ground. They enjoy it.’

  ‘And how about the sore nail on the twisted princess?’ asked Maddie. ‘What’s that all about?’

  ‘Later, dear,’ said Lady Goodroom, as she and Maddie lowered Wullie to the ground. ‘I’ll tell you all about it later.’

  Wullie moaned.

  ‘William,’ said Lady Goodroom, kneeling down beside him. She patted his face. ‘William, William, are you still with us?’

  Wullie moaned again, and his eyelids fluttered.

  ‘William, can you hear me?’ asked Lady Goodroom. ‘I’m going to help you with a little spell.’

  Wullie’s eyes blinked several times before opening. ‘Aye,’ he mumbled. ‘I can hear you.’ He sat up and looked around. ‘What hit me?’

  ‘The Doomstone Sword,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Lucky it was the flat bit.’

  ‘That’s me,’ said Wullie, gently touching the back of his head. ‘I’m aye lucky.’

  An ambulance came screeching up the carriageway and stopped at a tree blocking the road. More fire engines were racing towards the football stadium.

  ‘Would you look at that?’ said Wullie, pointing at his wrecked and burning van. ‘How am ah gonny feed my family now? The wife’ll kill me.’

  Maddie began to giggle. Roger and Lady Goodroom began to giggle too. They held on to each other and laughed and laughed. Wullie started to join in.

  ‘Oh, my heid’s sore,’ chortled Wullie. ‘What are we laughing at?’

  ‘So’s mine,’ said Roger, almost sobbing. ‘I don’t know!’

  By the time the paramedics reached them, they were all laughing hysterically.

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-seven

  ‘Mrs Botting and Mrs McKeek don’t remember anything,’ said Roger. ‘But every time they see me, they cross the road.’ He laughed. ‘It’s quite funny. One minute they’re talking away as usual, then they see me and they’re off as fast as they can go.’

  Roger was sitting in the back of a new Jaguar saloon as it purred through Edinburgh. He was between Lady Goodroom and Maddie and they were all looking at the castle dominating the grey skyline. It was four weeks since the fight outside Perth. Or, as the dwarves were calling it: The Battle of Wullie’s Van.

  ‘There’s a lot who don’t remember,’ said Lady Goodroom, ducking to watch the castle passing the nearside window. ‘I couldn’t contribute much, my magic is too limited. It’s a combination of things: wizards’ spells, the magic the dwarves have been spreading since, and of course the story the government put out about escaping gas causing hallucinations during earthquakes. And perhaps people just don’t want to remember, scared that others may laugh at them.’ She leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder. ‘Driver! Driver! Slow down, please. Thank you.’

  The car crawled round a corner as Roger, Maddie and Lady Goodroom gazed out of the window.

  ‘Mmmm,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Go round again, driver, please.’

  They all settled back as the car gathered speed.

  ‘And the boy?’ asked Lady Goodroom. ‘The bully you had the fight with? The one Moss almost killed?’

  ‘Hugh,’ said Roger. ‘Nothing. He runs a mile whenever he sees me. All the kids think I’m great for stopping his bullying.’ He nodded. ‘And my mum doesn’t say anything about it. She seems to have forgotten what happened. Strange. But she’s happy now that Dad’s home for good, thanks to his new job working for the Forestry Commission.’ He smiled at Lady Goodroom. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Amazing what a little influence can do,’ said Lady Goodroom, laughing. ‘And I’m getting a new library built too. Now, I think we should do it, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Roger, nodding.

  ‘Let’s,’ said Maddie. She gently punched Roger on the arm.

  ‘Right,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘We’ll need to walk. When it’s over, I’ll go and collect Penrose from his check-up at the hospital and then drop you off at home, Roger.’

  ‘I’m glad he’s a lot better,’ said Roger.

  ‘When I think how close I came to losing him...’ said Lady Goodroom. Her voice trailed off and she dabbed her eyes.

  ‘It’s all right,’ said Maddie, leaning over Roger and squeezing Lady Goodroom’s arm. ‘He’s fine now, we’re all fine. Well, except for the two unidentified people killed in the earthquakes – our butler and Leatherhead Barnstorm. Oh, and the man in the burning car who jumped into the bushes and got a broken leg when the other two men jumped on top of him. And all the people who missed the football match when the stadium burned down.’

  Lady Goodroom sniffed, and then gave a little laugh. ‘And your two ladies, Roger – Mrs Botting and Mrs McKeek.’

  Roger laughed. ‘If you had seen their faces when Moss stood up waving his axe and screaming at them – the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. But not at the time.’

  ‘I’d like to have seen that.’ Lady Goodroom laughed again.

  The car reached the old part of the city. Seagulls were shrieking overhead.

  ‘Stop here, driver,’ said Lady Goodroom, looking up at the circling gulls. ‘They are not as big as dragons, but they’re a lot noisier.’ She pointed up the road. ‘There’s hardly anyone about at this time in the morning. If we’re lucky no one will see us. It’ll get a lot of publicity. People will try to pull it out, but nothing will shift it now. Just enough magic left in it. Maybe they’ll wonder why it’s there. Try to find the ancient records and realise how much time they’ve wasted. How little time we have left to sort things out.’

  Roger nodded. ‘Hope so. If not, we’ll have to help them remember.’ He bent down, picked up the tartan blanket and carefully pulled it open. ‘They made a super job re-forging it,’ he said, looking at the repaired sword for the umpteenth time. ‘You can’t see any marks at all.’ He folded the cloth back over the Doomstone Sword and looked at Lady Goodroom and Maddie. ‘Ready?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘But before we do it, are you still sure you want to join Maddie? To be a Warlockwatcher?’ She looked into Roger’s eyes. ‘It’s a lot of work. Spells to learn, reports to send, big responsibilities.’

  ‘I’ll help you to catch up,’ said Maddie. ‘And I can show you how to fight properly.’

  ‘Very sure,’ said Roger, returning Lady Goodroom’s gaze. ‘About the Warlockwatcher bit anyway. Not so sure about being taught by your crazy niece, though.’

  ‘Good,’ said Lady Goodroom, as she held out her hands to prevent Maddie punching Roger. ‘Driver, this is it. Wait here and keep the engine running, just in case.’

  Wullie hopped out and opened the passenger door next to the pavement. ‘Righto, your mamship,’ he said, holding the door and bowing low. ‘Motor running for fast getaway, nae bother. But what’s this, driver? Yer a right cheeky witch, so you are. I’m a part-time butler and part-time bodyguard, with a wee bit of driving thrown in. I like what you called me when you offered me the job, your factotum. I might even change my name to that.’

  Lady Goodroom, Maddie and Roger got out of the car, chuckling. They stood on the pavement looking up the cobbled road. Roger hugged the blanket holding the sword.

  ‘Come along, children,’ said Lady Goodroom, striding forward. ‘Please wait here,’ she shouted back at Wullie, standing beside the car. ‘If anyone questions you, tell them that you a
re my PFP.’

  ‘What’s that stand for?’ yelled Wullie.

  ‘Personal Factotum Protector,’ Lady Goodroom shouted back. ‘You’re in charge of all my security.’

  ‘That’s better, your ladywitch,’ said Wullie, standing to attention and saluting. ‘I like the sound of that.’

  ‘I think... here,’ said Lady Goodroom, puffing a little. ‘We’re near enough to the entrance. People will see it here. Yes, this’ll do nicely.’

  Roger and Maddie stopped at the spot indicated.

  Lady Goodroom nodded. Roger knelt down and unfolded the blanket again. He stood up and held the Doomstone Sword with the tip resting on the cobblestones. Maddie placed her hands on top of Roger’s, and then pinched the back of his hand.

  ‘The trouble this thing’s caused over the centuries,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Nothing but bother since it was created.’

  ‘It will be safe here,’ said Maddie, swaying a little as Roger pushed against her. She giggled. ‘If they can’t get their hands on it, it can’t cause any more trouble.’

  ‘Go ahead, children,’ said Lady Goodroom, smiling.

  Roger and Maddie pushed down – and the Doomstone Sword slid into the stone, almost to the hilt.

  They let go and stepped back.

  Lady Goodroom mumbled a few words and waved her hands over the sword.

  There was a deep, underground rumble. The ground shook.

  ‘What’s that?’ Roger staggered from one foot to the other.

  ‘A tremor,’ said Lady Goodroom, arms raised out to the side to steady herself. ‘An earthquake.’

  The shaking stopped. There was a low murmuring sound.

  ‘What—?’ Roger shook his head at Lady Goodroom.

  ‘I think we should get out of here,’ said Lady Goodroom, stooping to pick up the tartan blanket. ‘Come, children, quickly!’ She started to stride back down the cobbled road.

  ‘Do you think the Doomstone Sword made that happen?’ asked Roger, catching up with Lady Goodroom. ‘I thought the dwarves told you its power was gone. That the magic leaked out when I broke it?’

  ‘They did,’ answered Lady Goodroom, walking faster.

  ‘What’s down there?’ asked Maddie.

  ‘Nothing that I know of,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Just an extinct volcano.’

  ‘Do you—?’ Maddie ran in front of Lady Goodroom and stopped. ‘Do you think that we disturbed something?’

  ‘I really don’t know.’ Lady Goodroom turned Maddie round and pushed her forward. ‘We’ll find out. Now I really do think we should get away from here. William’s waiting for us.’

  The ground shook again as they approached the car, another deep rumble.

  They began to run.

  Wullie was standing with the car doors open. Beside him was Mossbelly MacFearsome. The dwarf disappeared – then seconds later reappeared.

  ‘Hurry up!’ yelled Wullie, as Moss blinked on and off. ‘Wee hairybottom’s gotta message for you.’

  Moss appeared again, unfastening the see-through covert cloak from his neck. He stuffed it into the satchel on his hip and climbed into the car.

  There was an even louder rumble.

  Maddie was first to the car, throwing herself on to the back seat beside Moss. Roger followed a second later. Lady Goodroom heaved herself in and collapsed on the cushion. Wullie slammed the door shut, jumped into the driver’s seat and had the car moving before his own door was closed.

  ‘What are you doing here, Captain MacFearsome?’ asked Lady Goodroom, panting, as Roger and Maddie fussed around Moss.

  ‘Trying to stop what you were doing!’ said Moss, flapping away Roger and Maddie. ‘But I was too late.’

  ‘Stop what?’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘You knew what we were doing, we told you. We were just placing the Doomstone Sword in the ground before Edinburgh wakes up.’

  ‘That’s what I tried to stop,’ said Moss gravely. ‘It’s where you’ve placed it. You’ve unleashed a nocturnal nightmare. The world is in danger!’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ asked Roger. ‘Nothing could be worse than Leatherhead and his gorefiends.’

  ‘Much worse,’ said Moss, shaking his head. ‘I fear you have awakened Redcap the Goblin Chief from his prison beneath the castle. This is very bad.’

  ‘What’s so bad about a goblin?’ asked Maddie. ‘What could a goblin do that’s so bad?’

  ‘Do?’ shouted Moss. ‘I’ll tell you what he can do...’

  There was silence for a moment.

  ‘What?’ Three voices shouted as one.

  ‘Humph.’ Moss glared back at the three staring faces. ‘Well, he can control humans, and...’

  ‘And what?’

  ‘He can open a portal to another dimension and launch a goblin invasion to conquer the Earth!’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Lady Goodroom, slumping back in her seat.

  ‘Wow,’ said Maddie, her eyes flashing as she punched Roger on the arm. ‘Well, we’d better stop him, then.’

  ‘Oh, badgers’ bums, not again,’ sighed Roger.

  THE LEGEND OF THE TWISTED TOENAIL OF THE WICKED PRINCESS

  (as related by Lady Goodroom)

  Long, long ago there lived a beautiful dwarf princess. Unfortunately, she had a spiteful, brutish nature: she was cruel to animals, nasty to the elderly, and enjoyed pinching baby dwarves on their bottoms until they howled.

  One night, an owl flew into her bedchamber, and bit the big toe on one of her backwards-facing feet. As the princess awoke, screaming, the owl spoke to her and said that she was being punished for her wicked, twisted ways. From that moment on she was cursed – the nail on her bitten toe moved. It twisted and turned and pressed and squeezed, and felt as if a hundred tiny needles were being pushed into her flesh.

  The wisest dwarves in the land studied the twisted toenail. Many cures were tried. Nothing worked. The princess was in constant pain.

  One bleak midwinter, not having slept for days, the princess sent for the finest swordsdwarf in the entire kingdom and begged him to cut off her toe. She promised him riches beyond his wildest dreams and swore an oath never to be cruel again. With one precise blow the toe was sliced from her foot. There was no blood, and the skin immediately healed over the wound. The princess, free of pain at last, picked up her severed toe, kissed it, and then hurled it into a blazing fire. Giggling madly, she ordered her guards to throw the swordsdwarf out of the castle, without any reward. She then went straight to her bedchamber and fell into a deep sleep.

  The following morning, when the chambermaid went to waken her, the princess was not in her room. The castle was searched from top to bottom but she was nowhere to be found. The only clue was that, outside the bedchamber where the princess slept, there were deep animal scratches on the castle walls. The princess was never seen again. And, when the fireplace in the castle was cleaned, the severed toe was found in the ashes – completely unharmed.

  Over the centuries that followed, the toe became a venerated relic. Before any sacred oath was sworn, it became the custom to kiss the toe. Anyone breaking his or her oath would meet with a terrible fate. On stormy nights, when the wind was howling through the rafters and rattling windows, dwarf mothers would tell their children that the moaning of the wind was the Wicked Princess looking for her lost toe.

  Nowadays, most dwarves believe that this is just an old faery story. Dwarf-lore. No one can even remember what the princess’s real name was or when all this was meant to have happened. What is not disputed, however, is that something that looks exactly like a big toe is still displayed in the Great Hall of Dwarven Ancestry, and that no dwarf would ever kiss the Twisted Toenail of the Wicked Princess and swear an oath unless they really, really meant it...

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Chloe Sackur, Commissioning Editor, Andersen Press

  Without this admirable human, our story would not have been told. Her support has been exceptional, and her counse
l invaluable.

  Sue Cook, Copy Editor

  Her ability to fit the correct squiggle-dot symbols onto a writing page, and in the right places, is a wondrous thing to behold.

  James Lancett, Cover Artist

  His likeness of the great Mossbelly MacFearsome is an excellent facsimile – although, in reality, I am a much better looker.

  Kate Grove, Art Director, Andersen Press

  She has designed the book with immense skill – a worthy tribute to the great adventure contained within.

  Signed today,