by Jess Bryant
“His hair was darker.” Colt cleared his throat, “Tall, lean, dark hair, blue eyes from what I could tell…”
“He looks like Remy.” He finished the thought that his twin hadn’t and received a shaky nod in response.
Exactly what he’d been thinking when he jerked the guy around by the collar and got a good look at him for the first time. There was a split second where he’d wondered if he wasn’t punching his older brother and then another where he’d let himself pretend he was. It was sick and twisted but he was a Bomar so what else was he supposed to be.
He loved Remy, that’s what he told himself every time he thought about his older brother, but he also hated him. So when he’d seen the resemblance, he’d gone right ahead and hit the guy, unleashing everything he couldn’t on his older brother.
Despite what people in Old Settlers might say, and despite what he himself sometimes hoped, Cash knew he was a Bomar. Not just because he’d inherited Decker’s temper but because despite not looking all that much like the man, he and Colt looked like their big brother.
Remington Bomar was even taller than them. He had Decker’s dark hair instead of their mother’s sandy strands. They all three had her blue eyes but they all three had the Bomar square jaws, dimples and cleft chins too. He and Colt were identical twins, they were supposed to look alike but their resemblance to Remy had always been uncanny. He’d always figured either they all three had Bomar blood running through their veins, or they all three didn’t… and Remy took after their old man too much not to be his biological son.
“Is that why you lost it on that fucker? Because you saw Remy in his face?”
Cash hefted himself up from where he’d leaned against the wall when the elevator dinged in the lobby, “I don’t know, maybe that was part of it.”
Colt nodded as he guided them towards the door, “I get it. You fucked up but I get it.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. You let it build up too long and something set you off.”
“He hurt Jemma.”
“Yeah, seeing him smack Jemma would’ve been enough to make either of us come unglued on a good day but add in the resemblance to Remy, the shit with Decker and you refusing to let off steam in the cage or with another chick since the moment Jemma showed up in town… I figure it was bound to happen sooner or later.”
Cash trudged out of the building after his brother in silence. Colt didn’t stop talking. He hadn’t expected him to. That was one area they’d always differed and always would.
“You knew something like this could happen or you wouldn’t have asked me to come with you.” Colt added, “You wanted me there to pull you off him in case he showed up. Those were your words last night. So I came but it didn’t matter because you didn’t tell Jemma what you were afraid you would do.”
“I didn’t want her to know how easy it would be for me to go over that edge.”
“And look where that got you.” Colt stopped clear of the truck but pointed to it and to the shadow sitting curled up in the back seat, “You need to figure your shit out, figure out a way to talk to her and be honest with her or you need to stay the hell away from her.”
His jaw instantly clenched. Stay away from Jemma? He’d managed it for five years but only because she was long gone and he’d forced himself not to think about her too much, too often.
But he may not have a choice now. She’d seen him at his worst. She wouldn’t want anything to do with him now. If she ignored him like he didn’t exist, he would crumble. If he told her the truth, tried to let her in, would she even listen? Or was staying away from her what was best for her now just as it had been five years ago?
“Is that what you’re doing with Skylar?”
Colt’s eyes flashed fire and warning, “We’re not talking about me.”
“I’m not asking to bust your balls about the girl. I’m really asking. Is that what you’re doing with her? You let her close enough to see you, I know you do, but you still keep her at arm’s length. I’m trying to figure out if that’s because you’re afraid you’ll end up hurting her or if you’re scared she’ll walk if you’re honest with her.”
Now wasn’t the time to broach the subject of Skylar. He knew that. But he’d been letting it go for months and he honestly wanted to know what Colt thought he was doing with her. She was Jemma’s best friend, maybe whatever it was they had in common extended to being able to put up with him and his brothers damage.
“As soon as I figure that out, I’ll be sure to let you know.” Colt only growled and took off towards the truck again, “You have bigger issues to deal with right now, like spending seven hours in a car with me and your girlfriend who may or may not be terrified of you.”
Cash winced and followed his brother towards the truck. He was right of course. He needed to be focusing on his own problems for once instead of everyone else. He didn’t think there was any chance in hell that Jemma would want to talk to him, let alone give him another chance after what she’d witnessed upstairs, but he crawled into the truck and glanced into the backseat at her.
“Jemma?”
She met his gaze with a wariness that tore his heart apart. Everything he’d worked the past month to put back together, he had obliterated today in one fell swoop with a swing of his fist. The pink spot on her cheek was already fading but her beautiful hazel eyes were glassy and tear tracks marked her face.
“You okay?” He asked softly.
She nodded, bit her lip and looked away, “You?”
“I don’t know.” He answered honestly.
Colt climbed behind the wheel and silence fell over the cab as he started it and got them on the road. He watched Jemma out of the corner of his eye as she curled up into a ball, tucking her knees to her chest in that defensive way she’d done the first night she was in his apartment. Shielding herself from the outside threats, hiding her face against her knees. He hated himself for making her retreat back into that scared, lonely place.
“Jem…” He cleared his throat when they finally hit the highway.
“Not now, Cash.” She answered without looking at him, “I need some time to think so just… give me some time.”
He nodded even though he knew she wasn’t looking at him. Colt shot him a glance and then checked the rearview mirror, checking on Jemma. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, praying that sleep would come and take him away but he wasn’t that lucky. He rode the full seven hours in the truck completely awake and in complete silence knowing full well that when they reached the end of their journey Jemma was going to walk away from him once and for all.
He’d lost her, again.
At a truck stop just north of the Red River, Colt pulled over to get gas and Jemma watched as Cash lumbered from the truck. He didn’t say a word. He just pulled his big body out with a groan and headed inside. She watched his broad back retreating until he disappeared on the other side of the store and then she uncurled herself from the ball she’d spent the past few hours wrapped in and cracked the door of the truck.
Colt was standing next to the fender, holding the pump in place, and his gaze flickered to her. She winced at the flood of emotions she saw there. This half of the twins didn’t hide anything from her, not like his brother who had all but shut down. The concern and the worry on his handsome face was tinged in something darker this time, something that looked like despair.
“You need to go to the bathroom?”
She shook her head and he scowled. He shot a glance at the store and then turned his back to it. He faced her head on, his eyes serious and she knew she wasn’t going to like what he had to say before he said it.
“I’ll go in with you if you’re worried about being alone in there with Cash.”
“What? No, I’m not afraid of him.”
Colt’s lips thinned, “Nobody would blame you if you were after what you saw today.”
She frowned right back at him but remained quiet. She couldn’t tell Colt that his bro
ther hadn’t scared her earlier. That would be a lie. But she’d spent the past few hours trying to sort through all of her feelings and emotions, to put aside her knee-jerk reaction to the blood and violence, and figure out what she was actually feeling. There was some fear there, she couldn’t say there wasn’t, but there were so many other things too, like her concern for the man she’d already fallen in love with again.
God, she was a mess. She knew that. Her life was a mess. Everything was up in the air and changing but somehow, amid all of it, Cash had become a rock for her. Solid and dependable, he’d been there for her every step of the way. It didn’t seem fair or rational to disregard all the good they’d had together the past few weeks even if his actions in that apartment had scared the holy hell out of her.
“I don’t have to use the bathroom.” She only said instead.
“Whatever.” Colt grumbled.
They sat there like that for a long moment. The only sound was the steady glug of the gas pump filling the tank and crickets singing off in the grass a few feet away. Jemma twisted her hands in her lap, wondering where Cash had gone and what he was doing. Colt finally sighed, collapsing against the truck and drawing her attention again.
“Jem, what the hell happened up there?”
She winced at the question she had no idea how to answer, “I don’t know.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit response. I need to know what happened or I can’t make sure it never happens again. I can’t keep you safe if you won’t talk to me.”
Her head whipped up to find Colt scowling at her again and she opened her mouth, closed it without words coming out. He was completely serious. She could see that from the tense lines bracketing his mouth, dimples nowhere in sight. The pain in his intense blue eyes was overwhelming but he meant what he’d said which broke her heart all over again.
“I don’t need protection from Cash.”
“No?” One eyebrow winged up sarcastically.
“He would never hurt me, not like that.” She recoiled from the very idea, “He has a temper. He gets angry and he fights. So do you. But he would never raise a hand to me in violence. You know him better than anyone, how could you even think that?”
Colt scuffed his boot against the tire, “I don’t but I needed to know you felt the same way. If you thought he could hurt you, I would have made sure you were taken care of but far away from him.”
A breath whooshed out of her when she saw the protective gesture for what it was, “I don’t. He scared me but… not because I thought he was a danger to me.”
“So tell me what happened, for real, before he gets back.”
She worried her bottom lip, “He didn’t tell you?”
The twins had been in the apartment a long time after Colt sent her away. She’d tried not to think about what they were doing up there. Some dark part of her had wondered if they were finishing the job Cash had started killing Hoyt but she knew them better than that. Colt had said he would clean up the mess so she assumed that was what he had done. From the way they were in each other’s faces when they came out of the building she’d thought they were arguing about what had happened but if Colt was asking her maybe she’d been wrong
She’d been wrong about a lot of things lately. Hoyt and herself and now Cash. Why shouldn’t she add Colt to the list?
“He was pretty out of it.” Colt scuffed his boots again, avoided looking at her, “When he breaks, he doesn’t seem to remember much about what happens.”
Her chest hurt just hearing that admission. It was a big one. It admitted that this wasn’t the first time Cash had unleashed that kind of unholy terror on someone. And how could that have surprised her? She’d seen it herself that day in the Bomar house when he’d attacked his father after finding them in almost the exact same position he’d found her in with Hoyt today.
She’d known then that Cash had built some sort of dam inside himself. He put all of the bad on one side of it and tried to keep it contained. But it was impossible to keep that much pain and anger bottled up and there were cracks.
She’d seen him crack when he got into fights at school but she’d also seen him break completely that day with his father. She’d seen it overtake him, pounding at him and threatening to rip away all the better parts of him. And when it had receded and his eyes had cleared, she could still remember the blank stare of someone that had lost control and was battling to regain it and stack that wall back high.
“I remember.”
“You’ve seen him like that before?” Colt paused, his head tilting curiously.
“Just once…” She hesitated and then figured Colt would only ask if she didn’t elaborate, “I went to your house once, back in school, and Decker cornered me. When Cash saw us like that, he lost it. I thought he was going to kill your dad.”
“It takes a lot to kill the devil.”
She winced at the statement that sounded so much like what Cash had told her that day. These boys with their hate and their anger threatened to break her heart over and over again. But she couldn’t stop caring about them, not knowing that all of the fighting they did was to try and be better than the hand they’d been dealt.
“Cash only stopped when I pulled him off and when he looked at me, it was like he had no idea what had just happened.”
Colt nodded, “I know what you’re talking about. That happened right before you two broke up.”
“I…” She paused, her breath stuttering out as she retraced the timeline and nodded, “Yeah, yeah it did. How do you remember that?”
“That was the day he asked me to help him protect you.” Colt winced as if he regretted admitting that immediately, “I came home that day and Cash was just sitting on the end of his bed, covered in blood, and he told me that he had to get you away from him before he hurt her.”
“Oh God…”
The sharp edges of her broken heart cut at her insides as Colt once again admitted something to her that Cash hadn’t. That was the day he’d decided to push her away for her own good. He’d lost it that day, lost control, and he hadn’t trusted himself to keep her safe, to keep from hurting her. Even if she had never questioned it, he had.
“Oh God…” She muttered again, her hand going to her mouth, “He’s going to do it again isn’t he?”
Push her away. Distance himself. Try to keep her safe by removing himself from her life.
He’d convinced himself a long time ago that she couldn’t handle that side of him and after what she’d been through, the abuse, he would be even more sure of it. He hadn’t said a word since she asked him for some time to think earlier because he would give her whatever she asked for. He would give her what he thought was best. Even if it hurt him in the process.
“He already is. He hasn’t said a word in five hours, Jemma. He’s shutting down.” Colt nodded, “My question is, are you going to let him get away with it this time?”
“No.” She answered instantly.
She looked up and met Colt’s familiar blue eyes. They really did look so much alike sometimes it was eerie. At that moment, the hope shining in those crystal wells matched the look she’d seen on Cash’s face so many times these past few weeks. And God, that hopeful look on both of their faces shot her straight back to her childhood self, when she’d been half in love with the both of them.
“No?”
“No, he’s not getting away with it this time. I’m not a kid anymore. Nobody else gets to decide what’s best for me, not even him. He’s going to have to talk to me this time because I’m not going anywhere.”
Colt looked at her for a long moment as the pump clicked off and then he nodded, “He won’t make it easy. We’re not easy men, Jem. We have… issues. I think you know that.”
“Nothing good ever came from easy right?”
He snorted but shook his head, “I don’t know. Easy ain’t in my wheelhouse, babe.”
She frowned at that, “Hey Colt, can I ask you something?”
He jerked
the pump from the truck and shook his head, “If it’s about Skylar, the answer is no. I’ll tell you the same thing I told Cash. You two deal with your own shit and stay out of it.”
Jemma swallowed a smile and nodded. She hadn’t been going to ask about Skylar but she figured it was pretty telling that was where Colt’s head was at. She’d been prepared to ask about their parents and how the two of them dealt with Chrissy and Decker. Skylar had already told her to stay out of her friendship with Colt, that they’d work it out themselves or not. Instead of saying any of that, she let it go.
Colt was right. She and Cash had issues, big issues that needed to be resolved. She glanced up as he came back out of the convenience store holding several bottles of water and one can of her favorite green tea. That shredded organ formerly known as her heart leapt at the small, kind gesture and she accepted it as he silently crawled back into the truck.
They had a couple more hours before they would be home and the truck was no place for the conversation they needed to have. Not with Colt driving and eavesdropping. He had been a huge help, would be a huge support, but this was between her and Cash. Once they were home, they were going to work this out or die trying.
She wasn’t giving up on him, not now not ever.
Chapter Twelve
By the time Colt pulled the truck into the parking lot of their apartment complex, it was after midnight. Cash groaned and stretched as he crawled to his feet. The longest day of his life was officially over. He was tired, depressed and all he wanted was to go to sleep so he could wake up and find out today had been nothing but a nightmare.
Jemma hadn’t uttered more than one single word to him the entire trip. When they’d stopped for gas, he’d bought her a drink and she’d thanked him for it. That was it. They’d been reduced to common courtesy, a polite nod and unbearable silence.
As darkness had set in, he’d tried to convince himself that it was better this way. Better that she saw this side of him now. He’d tried to hide it from her when they were kids and he’d failed. He’d tried to hide it from her now and he’d failed again. This shit was a part of him, a dirty, violent part that he tried to control but couldn’t and she shouldn’t be close to that, or him.
