by Jess Bryant
The hurt in his voice as he told her about the days after she left town made her ache. She’d been hurting too. She’d packed up her things and driven out of Old Settlers knowing full well that she would be on her own in the big, bad world. It hadn’t been easy to leave everything she knew behind and if she hadn’t been reeling from Cash’s breakup she might have faltered. But she’d needed to get as far away from him as possible after what he’d done and from the sound of it, he’d wanted to forget just as badly.
“So you don’t remember getting the tattoo?”
“No, but Colt filled me in after.”
“He did it?”
“Yeah.” He huffed out a breath, a hint of amusement in his voice, “I think it’s the first one he ever did. He’d managed to get his hands on some outdated equipment but he hadn’t found anyone willing to let him try it out. He says I insisted, begged and pleaded with him to put your name on me so that no matter how drunk I got I’d never forget what you meant to me.”
“That’s kind of… sweet. Sad but sweet.”
He chuckled, “Hell if I know whether it’s true or not. It’s just as likely I passed out and he wanted to try out his new skill on me. Probably figured I wouldn’t complain too much when I woke up if he did your name and luckily, he was right.”
She smiled softly, “You really believe that?”
“No.” His grip on her tightened, “I believe his story sounds much more plausible. I was a mess without you and I hated the thought of forgetting you even as I tried to drink you away. Having your name inked into my skin is probably the most rational thing I did in those first few weeks after you left.”
“Do you regret it?”
“The tattoo? No. Not for a second.” Cash stiffened, his fingers digging into her skin he was holding her so tight, “But I do have regrets.”
Her heart stuttered in her chest, knowing what was coming and that there was no way to brace for the pain of what he was going to say, “Okay.”
“Jemma, there’s something I have to tell you, something important that I should have told you before I took you to bed. I should have told you the second you walked back into my life but everything was such a mess and you were already hurting and I didn’t want to make it worse, didn’t know if you’d even give me a chance to explain but I have to, so I need you to hear me out, okay?”
She nodded because words failed her. Her throat felt tight and she didn’t trust herself to talk. She didn’t want to give too much away, not yet. He needed to do this his way and so she simply clung to him and waited for the words that would rewrite their history.
“I lied to you. When we were kids, everything I said to you was a lie. No that’s not right, not everything. All of it was true up until that last day, after we had sex, every word out of my mouth after that was a lie.”
“I…”
“No. Let me get this out.” Cash tensed beneath her, “I fell for you back then, so damn hard and so damn fast. I was in love with you Jemma. I know I told you that day that I didn’t, that it was all some stupid game to me, that you were just a conquest or something, but you weren’t. I loved you more than I’d ever known I could love anything or anyone and I’ve regretted lying to you about that since the moment the words left my mouth.”
His admission made her chest hurt and she clung to him to keep her in the present. The memories of that day were awful and she could feel the darkness of it threaten to rise up. She’d never been able to forget the way he’d recoiled from her in the moments after she’d given him her virginity. One second she’d been warm and hazy, full of dreams and ideas for their future and the next she’d been staring up at the boy she loved as he cursed and yelled and broke her heart to pieces. Hearing that it had hurt him to do it helped some, but it didn’t erase the memories.
“I know.”
“What?” He shifted, “What’d you say?”
“I said I know. I know you lied.”
She slid from his chest as he sat up and their eyes met. He scanned her face, his brows furrowing as confusion overtook his features. He started to reach for her then seemed to think better of it and stopped himself. She took his hand in hers and squeezed reassuringly.
“I know, Cash.”
“I… you do? When? How?” He blinked at her and she sighed as she sat up next to him.
She couldn’t tell him the entire truth. She’d made Colt a promise and she wouldn’t break it. Not when he had been so supportive, so helpful yesterday and really, every day since she’d come back. And the more she thought about it, the more she’d realized that Colt was right and she’d always had her doubts about Cash’s sincerity that day.
She gave him that truth, “Part of me never really believed you I don’t think. The part of me that was madly in love with you and wanted you to be the boy I thought you were, hoped it was all a lie, and it was easy for that part of me to understand why you would have done what you did. I realized you’d lied after I came back. That first night in this apartment, you could have taken advantage but you didn’t. You take care of people Cash, it’s one of the things I loved about you most, so if you thought you were sending me away to save me then I understand that.”
He groaned, “It nearly killed me but I had to do it. It was the only way. You’d started talking about staying and God, I wanted that and I hated myself for wanting it all at the same time. You would have had hated me if you’d stayed.”
“No.” She shook her head immediately even though his words rang true, the denial too instantaneous not to be more than a platitude.
“You would have. Maybe not for years but eventually you would have hated me for taking away your dreams and all I could see was us turning into them, especially after that day at the house when he tried to hurt you.” He met her gaze, “It scared the hell out of me. It still does.”
He didn’t have to elaborate. She knew who he meant without him needing to say their names. Them. His parents. He’d been terrified of turning into his father even back then and she’d known that. She’d only recently realized how terrified he’d been of turning her into his mother.
“We’re not them and we’re never going to be them.” She shook her head when he looked like he might argue, “No, it’s your turn to listen again. You did what you thought you had to do and it hurt the both of us but it’s over and done and we can’t take it back.”
“I wish I could.”
“I don’t know that we would have worked out back then because you’re right, if I’d stayed I would have always wondered about the path not taken but here, now, this is my choice. I came back. I’m choosing you and this town and us. This is where I’m meant to be and I can’t regret anything that brought me back to you.”
Cash stared at her for a long minute, emotions flickering over his handsome face so quickly that she could barely catalogue them. Shock. Disbelief. Frustration. Confusion. Wonder. Awe. They were all mixed in with something darker and deeper that made her cling to his hand when he dropped his gaze and shook his head.
“You say that but there’s more, Jem. I knew. I knew I was going to break up with you, that I was going to hurt you and break your heart before we slept together. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let it get that far, that I wouldn’t take that from you, but we were kissing and touching and I lost control. I should have stopped us but I couldn’t.”
She smiled softly, “You really think I blame you for that?”
“How could you not?”
Jemma frowned and squirmed over in the bed until she was in his lap, “We’ve already established that when it comes to each other, neither of us is ever really in control of what we feel, Cash. I was there too. I made the decision too.”
“But you didn’t know I was going to break up with you.”
“I’m not sure it would have mattered. I wanted you and in case you haven’t noticed, I can be pretty damn stubborn when it comes to you.”
Cash gaped at her when she grinned. They were talking, really tal
king. Her quiet guy that never got the words right was talking her ear off about their past in order to give them a future so maybe she was finally getting through to him. Then again, she was naked and in his lap so maybe she wasn’t. Their skin was sliding together and she was already starting to forget why this conversation was so important.
“You really forgive me?”
“Yes.” She gripped his chin and held his face so that he had to look directly at her, “I forgive you for breaking my heart and I forgive you for pushing me away but you have to promise me, here and now, that you won’t do either of those things again.”
Cash winced, “Baby, I only want what’s best for you…”
“I think you’re what’s best for me.” She cut him off before he could make any excuses.
“How can you say that? You saw me yesterday. How can you still want to be with me? You should be running away screaming.”
She sighed, “I’m stronger than you give me credit for, that’s how. I can handle you. Good or bad, I’ll be here for you if you let me.”
“I’d say yesterday was pretty damn bad.”
“You were trying to save me. That’s all you’ve ever done.” She shifted, straddling his hips and bringing their bodies into line, “I know it must have been a nightmare for you walking in and seeing me with him like that and I don’t blame you for losing your shit because of it.”
He grasped her hips, his head dropping slightly to hide his eyes from her when he muttered, “It brought it all back. That day at the house with Decker, seeing him overpower you and hearing him say those godawful things…”
She winced when he trailed off and instead of saying anything she only circled her arms around him and pulled him against her chest. He came willingly and she stroked his back in reassuring circles. She’d had a gut feeling that memory had something to do with him losing control yesterday but she was glad he’d admitted it. The only time she’d ever seen him let his anger get the best of him before yesterday was that day with Decker and the scenes were too similar not to be connected, not to be some sort of trigger for him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He pulled back, his lips thin again, “Don’t apologize like it’s your fault.”
“I’m the common thread in both of those instances. You can’t tell me that I’m not the reason you lost control both times. Maybe you weren’t taking it out on me but some part of you has to blame me for putting you in that position.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No!” He wrapped a hand in her hair and held her head steady, “I don’t blame you. I blame myself. I blame my DNA. I blame Decker for conditioning me to be a violent piece of shit that uses my fists to make a point but I don’t blame you. Never you.”
“I don’t blame you either. It’s not your fault. I know you try really hard to be a better man than your father, than the Bomar name, and you are. Cash, you’re a good man.”
“You could almost make me believe that.” He brushed her hair back softly, “But I’m not and yesterday proves it. I’m still the same no-good bastard I’ve always been.”
“That’s not true.”
“Sure it is. I’m a Bomar, baby. I’m only good for two things and they both start with F.” He snorted, his lips curling though there was no humor in it, “Fighting and fucking. You got a demonstration of both yesterday.”
She smacked his hand away, “Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t degrade yourself just to make a point. You’re a good man, Bomar or not, and you’re not going to convince me otherwise.”
He only wrapped his hand in her hair a little tighter this time, “I don’t know how or why you’ve always seen the best in me but I love you for it. I hope someday I’ll be able to deserve you, to believe you, because I want to be a better man for you.”
“You’re the best man for me.” She whispered as she ghosted a kiss over his lips.
“I love you Jemma.” He caught her bottom lip between his teeth and tugged gently, “I always have and I always will.”
She sucked in a quick gasp.
“I know it’s probably too soon to tell you that.” His lips glided across her jaw, “It’s too fast and too soon but I didn’t tell you last time and I’ve regretted it ever since. I don’t want to make the same mistakes this time. I love you.”
Her heart beat faster at his husky declaration and she had to stifle a whimper when he nipped her earlobe and said the words again. He loved her. Simple and complex, that was Cash. The first boy she’d ever loved and, if she trusted him, he’d be the last too.
He’d hurt her the last time she’d opened up to him and maybe a smarter girl would have held back in this moment. Because he was right and it was fast. It was too soon to be feeling anything this big if you only accounted for the past month, but they had an entire shared history as well. They weren’t starting from scratch. And she was still Jemma, older and maybe a tad bit wiser, definitely more jaded, but at heart, she was the same girl that had wanted her happily ever after with the man of her dreams. He was right here, in the bed with her, wrapped around her, and she couldn’t deny how right it felt.
“I love you too.”
Cash jerked back to look her in the eyes, “You do?”
She softened, lowering her forehead to his, “Of course I do and I don’t care if anyone else thinks it’s too fast or too soon because we know the truth, this thing, us, it’s forever. It was us even when we were apart and now that we’ve finally found our way back to each other it would be stupid to wait or deny it any longer.”
His blue eyes shone bright, “Say it again?”
“I love you, Cash.”
“God…” He uttered a strangled groan as he closed his eyes, “You don’t have any idea what that means to me. I never thought I’d hear you say that to me again, not after everything…”
“I love you.” She cut him off with a soft kiss, “I love you, Cash.”
“I love you too.”
He deepened the kiss and she let him take control, simply basking in the beautiful moment as his lips teased hers into opening and then his tongue darted inside to taste. She moaned as every nerve ending in her body hissed in response to his kiss. Only Cash had the ability to take complete control of her body with nothing but a kiss and that was because it was his.
She was his.
It went on and on, his lips and hers battling, meshing, joining. Their tongues tangled. They were sucking air from each other’s lungs and she felt like her heart was going to explode in her chest. Her hips rocked against him, wanting more, needing more, but he only gripped her waist and held her tight.
She broke the kiss with a whimper, “Make love to me.”
“God, baby…” He groaned, nipping at her throat, “You sure you’re not sore? I wasn’t gentle last night. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Sweet, wonderful man. She would never get enough of him. Didn’t he know that yet?
“I’m aching but only because I need you.” She flexed her hips, riding the length of the impressive erection beneath her and then lifted up, fully prepared to take him inside of her but his grip on her hips tightened, holding her in the air.
“Wait…”
“Why?”
“Jemma, we weren’t safe last night.” He met her gaze, serious and earnest, “It was careless for me to take you without protection, especially so many damn times. There are condoms in the nightstand if you want to use one.”
She stared down at him as her throat tightened with emotions she couldn’t voice. Always trying to protect her, even from himself. Had she been aware of the risk they were taking not using contraceptives last night? She couldn’t say it had crossed her mind in the heat of the moment but after, she’d thought about it for a long time, lying in the dark, cuddled against his chest and she’d wondered why it was neither of them had given thought to the consequences of what it was they were doing.
Now, in the morning light, it was glaringly obvious to her. They
hadn’t stopped for protection because neither of them had wanted to. Consequences be damned. They belonged together and there was no bigger way to announce that to the world, to tie them together, than to make a life together out of the love they shared.
She’d been on the pill until a month ago when her life was turned upside down. She needed to get her prescription transferred but she hadn’t done it yet. She didn’t think there was any way it was out of her system enough for her to get pregnant but even if it was, she couldn’t find it in herself to freak out about that possibility.
“No condom.” She found her voice and watched Cash’s eyes go wide, “Unless you want to use them.”
“No. Fuck. No.” He ground out, his breathing unsteady, “I don’t want anything between us but…”
“I loved feeling you inside me, just you. You’re the only one I’ve ever trusted with that, the only one I’ve ever wanted like that.”
His eyes studied her face, “We could make a baby.”
“Maybe we already did.”
“Son of a…” He dropped his forehead to her shoulder, “You really want that with me? A baby? It’d be a Bomar.”
“It would be ours. You and me. How could I not want that?” She tugged on his hair to make him raise up and look at her again, “I love you.”
“Damn it, I can’t control myself with you.” He growled, his eyes darkening with desire as he released her hips and let her drop down on top of him, both of them groaning before his grip tightened and he was pulling her back up his length, “I want that too. Want to put my baby in you. Want to show the world you’re mine.”
“Cash!” She gasped out his name as he tugged her hips back down and slammed up inside of her at the same time.
“Say it again.” He demanded as they found a fast, hard rhythm that left them both panting.
