by Jess Bryant
Except he might never get to do that, get to see that, because he’d yelled at her and walked away.
“I know you’re pissed but I’m asking you to take a step back and see my side.” Colt continued, oblivious to the battle raging inside his mind, “I saw an opportunity to protect you and I took it. I thought I could keep you safe if I kept you out of it. I was trying to help you. That’s all I’ve ever fuckin’ tried to do, Cash.”
He snarled at the excuse, “It’s not your job to protect me.”
“Yeah, it is. We protect each other. That’s what we do. We’ve done it since we were kids.”
“But I’m not a kid anymore! I’m not a kid and I don’t need you to fight my battles for me. I never did.” He shot back and watched Colt flinch at that blow before continuing, “I’m just as strong as you are. I always have been.”
“I didn’t step in front of you all those times when Decker swung his fists because I thought you were weaker than me, Cash. I did it because I was weak, because I couldn’t stand the sight of you hurting. It killed me. I knew how to tend to my cuts and bruises but watching that light go out of your eyes damn near destroyed me and I’m not fuckin’ letting it happen ever again.”
He opened his mouth to respond, closed it again as what his brother had admitted sank in. Colt hadn’t thought he was weak. He just couldn’t stand the sight of his twin hurting. Cash knew the feeling. It wasn’t his own scars that haunted him. It was the sight of Colt’s, the memories of Colt shivering in pain and knowing there was nothing he could do to save him.
Why he’d never thought of that himself, he didn’t know. It was so obvious now that Colt had admitted it. But some damaged part of him had always clung to the notion that his brother saw him the same way Decker did, as easy prey, as the soft one, the weak one. Hearing that he didn’t changed everything and nothing all at the same time.
As badly as he’d tried as a kid, Colt hadn’t been able to protect him and he couldn’t do it now either.
“If we’d told you about the threats, you would have unleashed hell on that bastard. I know that. You know that. There’s no use trying to deny it. And I couldn’t let you go down that road, not if I could do something to help.”
“You call going behind my back helping?” He scoffed.
“Damn it Cash, you have a chance to be something better than just a white-trash Bomar boy that uses his fists to fight his battles and ends up in prison. That’s all you ever wanted, to do better, be better than this shit we were born to.” Colt motioned out into the darkness with a growl, “I want that for you and I’d do anything to help you get it, even bloody my own hands in the process if it means keeping yours clean.”
“That’s not how I want it.”
“Sometimes you don’t get to choose how you stay clean. I was willing to get dirty for you and whether you accept that or not, it was the best way to keep you safe. I won’t apologize for that.”
“Of course not.” He muttered as he twirled the bottle in his hand.
“It was something I could take care of and there was no reason to drag you into the mess.”
“It wasn’t your mess.” Cash snapped, “It wasn’t your fucking mess. It wasn’t a Bomar mess. It didn’t have anything to do with you! It was Jemma’s mess and she’s mine and that makes it my mess but it doesn’t make it yours.”
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit?” He growled.
“Yeah, that’s bullshit. We ain’t ever divided shit up between us before and we’re not starting now. If it was your mess that makes it mine.”
“No.”
“Fuck you Cash. You don’t want to hear that I was trying to save you, trying to protect you? How about if it’s my mess because it’s Jemma’s mess huh? She matters to me too. I care about her. Hell, I think I’ve loved that girl just as long as you have.”
His fist tightened on the bottle and a dangerous image of the damage he could do if he swung it at his brother’s head filled his brain. No. He couldn’t do that. But he wanted to. Because Jemma was his. She’d always been his and he wasn’t going to share her with Colt. Never.
“Stop thinking about killing me.” Colt must have seen the fury on his face because he snorted, “I love her like a sister. That’s what she is to me. She’s yours and you’re my brother, my twin, my other half. How could I not love her just as much as you do?”
He loosened his hold on the bottle by sheer force of will. Do not maim your brother, he told himself. He isn’t in love with your woman. He loves her like a sister. Hadn’t she told him the same thing? Colt wanted to protect her because she belonged to Cash. That was a good thing, not a bad thing. It meant he had more eyes to watch over her and keep her safe. Do not maim your brother, he silently repeated.
“You were trying to help her. I get that. But you still should have told me.”
Colt groaned, “Maybe we should have, you’re right, but neither of us wanted to see you to go prison. So be mad if you want but when you’re done cursing us, think it through. You’re a smart guy Cash and you know what I’m trying to say is true.”
That was the problem. As angry as he was, he understood why they had done it. He didn’t agree with it, but he understood. Because they were right. He would have lost his damn mind if they’d told him about the threats. Hell, he’d gone off the deep end the second he found out, screaming and yelling and fighting. His reaction had more than proven why they had kept it from him hadn’t it?
He frowned but held the bottle of whiskey out to his side, “I know why you did it.”
Colt took the peace offering with a wary glance, “But you’re still pissed. I get it and I understand. Just… be pissed at me, okay? I can take it.”
He stared out through the darkness at the small houses lit in the distance, the closest one almost dark. It looked like a normal house and maybe for some people it was. He knew that he wasn’t the only one that had grown up in a house like that one, with parents that were both neglectful and abusive.
But he just might be the only one that’d had someone at his side, on his side, someone willing to step in front of him because the thought of seeing him hurt was the only thing that could truly hurt him.
And now the brother that he already owed so much, was standing in front of Jemma. That was what went unspoken between them. Colt was willing to take his anger, so long as he directed it at him. He could take it, would take it, to protect the woman that they both loved in their own way.
Jemma. God, just thinking about her made that awful pain slash through his chest again. He’d thought he was done with that terrible feeling when she came back into his life. He’d gotten her back and the pain had eased. He should have known it couldn’t be that easy.
Cash struggled past the sudden knot in his throat, trying to make sense of the emotions roiling inside of him, “She thought the worst of me.”
“No, she…”
“Yeah, she did and do you know why that is?” He dropped his head low, “It’s because I prepared her for it. I taught her to expect the worst. How can I be angry at her for believing what I taught her to about me?”
“Cash, you’re not angry at her.” Colt snorted.
“The hell I’m not.”
“Fine, maybe you are, but mostly you’re hurt.” Colt put the bottle of whiskey aside untouched, “She hurt your feelings because she kept something important from you but really, it’s not something you can’t get over. You know that just as well as I do.”
His twin was right, again, which he hated admitting. He was hurt. It had hurt to find out that the people he cared about most in the world had kept him in the dark because they hadn’t trusted him. He was hurt that the woman he loved had lied to him, even if she’d had good intentions.
But could he forgive her? Find a way past it? In the heat of the moment, he’d told her that he couldn’t. Just looking at her had hurt and he had seen the same pain reflected in her eyes. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her worse and so he’d left but he�
��d never intended to truly leave her behind.
He wasn’t capable of letting her go again. He’d told her that before they’d gotten involved again. He’d warned her that he wouldn’t be able to walk away from her again and he’d meant it. He couldn’t lose her.
That realization settled the worst of the tumult inside of him and he shuddered out a breath.
He’d needed some time. He’d needed some distance. But he would go back to her. They would figure this out, figure out a way to put it behind them. He owed her that much.
She’d forgiven him. He had lied. He had pushed her away. And she had forgiven him. He could do the same for her. For them.
“You’re going to forgive her so do us all a favor and do it now. Don’t put it off. Don’t drag it out. Just go home and forgive her, Cash. Don’t lose your girl again because you didn’t just talk to each other.”
He shot a glance at his brother out of the corner of his eye but Colt wasn’t looking at him. His twin was staring out at their old childhood home, just as he had. This was Colt, raw and insightful, because nobody knew him the way his brother did, and vice versa.
“Are you really giving me relationship advice? You? The man that’s never had a meaningful relationship with a woman in his life?”
He’d tried for a teasing tone but knew he didn’t succeed when Colt didn’t take the bait. Maybe it was because he was too on edge to make light of the very heavy situation. Their moods had always been so intertwined that he wasn’t surprised Colt kept flexing his hands as if he was itching for a fight. He was only surprised when his brother finally spoke.
“That’s not true.”
“What?”
Colt cleared his throat but didn’t look up from where he was drawing designs in the dirt, “It’s not true.”
It took him a minute to figure out what his brother meant. It wasn’t true. Which meant that he had opened himself up to someone. He did have a meaningful relationship with a woman.
He contemplated leaving it at that but figured what the hell. He was still mad at his brother. If he couldn’t hit him, he could poke him at the very least.
“Skylar?”
Colt snorted, “Yeah.”
“You two are… close.”
“Yeah, we are, or were…” Colt ran a hand through his hair, “She’s pretty pissed at me right now.”
“Think you two will get past it?”
“I honestly don’t know. It’s complicated.”
Cash raised a brow at that admission, “Because you’re in love with her?”
“Fuck.” Colt groaned, “No, it’s not that, it’s… I don’t know, just drop it bro. It’s not important.”
He thought it was but he figured if Colt really didn’t want to talk about it, he couldn’t make him. This was the longest conversation they’d ever had about the girl. Usually Colt did a good imitation of him at the mere mention of the girl and shut down. He decided to let it go for now, figuring he wouldn’t get any more information out of him either way.
“Thanks for coming after me.”
“Always.” Colt nodded seriously.
He smirked, “I’m still pissed at you.”
“I figured.”
They fell into a companionable silence and he dropped back onto his elbows. Colt hadn’t touched the bottle of whiskey and he didn’t ask for it back. What small buzz he’d gotten going was fading already, right along with the burst of adrenaline and the remnants of his anger. The sharp pain in his chest had turned dull but it still throbbed with every beat.
It wasn’t just Jemma that made him ache either. Through all of the bombs dropped on him tonight, he hadn’t missed that the person delivering them was someone he’d thought he might never see again. Remy had come back into his life just when it seemed everything was settling down and quiet and if he knew anything about his big brother it was that nothing about him was settled or quiet.
He was a Bomar through and through. Drama. Destruction. Despair. Those were the things that clung to Remington Bomar and ten years away hadn’t changed that based on his sudden reentry into their lives.
“Why Remy?”
“What?” Colt froze almost solid and he barely resisted a snort.
“Did you really think I wasn’t going to ask about him? He’s our brother. We haven’t seen him in ten years. Then he shows up knocking on our door out of the blue telling me shit that you should have told me.” He glared at his twin, “So do it now, tell me what the hell you were thinking getting Remy involved in all of this.”
Colt ran a hand through his hair and groaned, “I’m not saying it was my best idea ever.”
“Anything involving Remy is pretty much the worst idea on the planet. Can we agree on that?”
“Like I’m going to disagree after the shit he pulled showing up here.” Colt started to smile but it fell just as suddenly as it formed, “I didn’t know he was coming, obviously.”
“Obviously.”
Colt was silent for a long minute before he shrugged, “I can’t say I was thinking clearly when I called him. I was so fuckin’ angry about what Jemma showed me and at the same time, all I kept seeing was you killing the bastard if you found out and I knew I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t lose you so I did the only thing I could and called the first person I could think of to help.”
“Remy?”
“He’d called before remember? Told me he was in Houston. I figured he owed us, you know, for not being there for us when we needed him, so I called.”
“And he just agreed to lay a beat down on a guy he’d never heard of?”
“Yeah, pretty much.” Colt shrugged, “I told him what was going on, that Jemma was your girl and this guy had hurt her. He didn’t even hesitate, just wanted a name and an address. I told him if he took care of it that I might be willing to talk to him, give him a chance to explain himself. Clearly he misunderstood thinking it was okay to show up here.”
Cash frowned out at the house in the distance and tried to piece together what he now knew of the situation. Colt had asked their big brother for help and he’d come through. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to know exactly what Remy had done to get them out of this situation but he supposed, after hearing this part of the story, that he owed his older brother some gratitude instead of only his anger.
“I wasn’t very welcoming.”
Colt snorted, “Yeah, neither was I.”
“If he really helped us, then…”
“He can’t just buy his way back into our lives.” His twin cut him off with a growl, “He left us behind and he never looked back. He didn’t give a shit about us for ten years. Helping us now doesn’t wipe all of that clean.”
He sighed, “He’s still our brother.”
“Which is why I didn’t rearrange his face for showing up here.”
“Did you leave him at the apartment?”
“What? No.” Colt looked at him as if he’d lost his mind, “He took off in the middle of me yelling at him and I let him go to come after you.”
A flare of loss hit him in the chest so fast, he never expected it. Remy had been back. He’d been there. He’d been within reach for the first time in a decade and instead of reaching out and trying to hold onto him, they’d let him go again. He’d always kind of thought that when Remy came home it would be for good but this mess with Jemma had screwed up everything. Instead of talking, they’d all fought and argued. Of course Remy had left again.
As if he’d read his mind Colt sighed, “He didn’t go far this time. Said he was gonna crash with Link for the night. We can probably track him down before he takes off for good again if you want.”
“He’s staying with Link?” He gaped.
“Yeah, apparently they keep in touch.”
“Are you fucking kiddin’ me?”
“Nope, and trust me, I’ll be having a little chat with our cousin about that the first chance I get.”
Cash didn’t have anything to say to that except to curse their f
ucked up family all over again so he fell quiet. For years they’d wondered and worried about where Remy was and what he was doing. And during all that time, their cousin had known where he was, had his number and been able to reach him. It wasn’t like he was close to Lincoln but a little common courtesy that he was aware their brother was alive wasn’t too much to have asked for.
Not that it mattered now.
Remy was back, at least for the time being. They would all have to sit down and talk before he left again. At least he hoped they could manage that much. They might be part of a sick, fucked up family, but they were still brothers.
After a few more minutes passed in silence, Colt cleared his throat, “You ready to head back?”
Cash shook his head.
His brother groaned, “You don’t have to deal with Remy tonight. Just go home and deal with this stuff with Jemma. Work it out.”
“I can’t. Not yet.”
Colt scowled, “You need to go back and talk to her. She was crying, Cash. When I left to come find you, Jemma was crying.”
“I know.” He muttered. “But I’m not ready to go back and see that yet.”
“What the…”
“I did that. In yet another bout of anger, I made Jemma cry. I hurt her.” He met his brother’s gaze and shook his head, “Yeah, I’m hurting too but that doesn’t negate her pain.”
“You both hurt each other.”
“Again.”
Colt snorted, “You love each other, as best I’ve ever figured out, that’s what loving someone does to you. It hurts. But you two were meant to be together so man the fuck up and deal with it.”
Cash winced at the harsh words, “You don’t really mean that.”
“That you two are meant to be…”
“No, not that.” He cut his twin off quickly, “Do you really think loving someone equals nothing but pain?”
