When it was clear that nobody knew where Aspasia had gone, we walked, exhausted, back to the city. “Don’t worry.” I said to them. “We’ll send people to every city. Every city in the world if necessary. We’ll find them and bring Cilo back. You have my word. I won’t rest until she is safe.”
Tros had his arm around Eleni and she was crying softly into his shoulder. “I know you’ll do all you can. You’ve never failed me.”
As we walked, I explained my plans to them. They all thought I was crazy, but they’d seen miracles, so, they were prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt.
Socrates was waiting for us when we got back. “Pericles will help us, but he’s no convert. He’ll help you just until he see an opportunity to throw you out. Of course, he doesn’t really understand how much things are going to change. Anyway, he will call a meeting of the full Assembly in 2 days. He will speak on your behalf and give you a chance to address the citizens.”
“Great. Thanks Socrates. Let me ask you all a question. Is it better to change things all at once or little by little? Given that each change will be giant. In other words, is one super painful change better or worse than a series of incredibly painful changes?”
Everyone had an opinion, but it was Socrates who summed it up best, with a question: If you have to amputate a leg, is it better all at once or little by little?
Late that night, Fotis finally returned. He had commandeered a temple in the Agora (fittingly the temple of the god Hephaestus) and converted it to the worship of Einstein. Already the congregation was full to overflowing.
“Robert, I’m worried by this new god. I understood what Jack Daniels wanted from me. And I did my best to honor him. But what does Einstein want from his worshipers? Maybe I’m not the best priest for him?”
“Fotis, you are the perfect priest. You made Jack Daniels proud and you’ll make Einstein proud. Einstein only asks two things of his worshipers. 1. That they seek knowledge about the nature of the world. And 2. That they practice kindness. Neither is more or less important than the other and if there is a conflict they need to find a balance. That’s it.”
“Are there no sacrifices? No rituals?”
“There are definitely no sacrifices. The god demands kindness. The Sacrifice of a living creature is not a kindness. We are going to examine all things for their kindness. We are going to stop all sacrifice and even, eventually, the eating of meat. Even animals kept for wool or milk must be treated with kindness. You think about it and you’ll figure out how to make it work. Also we’ll be opening schools. For everyone. Men, women, boys and girls, rich and poor. It’s a big job. Think about who you’ll need to help. Isodemos will provide you with all the money you’ll need.”
He laughed. “You’ve been busy while I was out!”
I laughed too. “You can hardly imagine!”
Chapter 17
The speed of light appears to be a universal speed limit. Apparently time is a dimension like the 3 space dimensions (up/down, right/left and forward/backward), and when we are standing still in the space directions, we are moving at the speed of light through the dimension of time. As we move faster through the space dimensions we move slower through the dimension of time (although you have to move very fast to see a difference, since the speed of light is so fast). Think of it like this: You are on a horse running as fast as he can between 2 parallel lines. If you run straight east in, essentially, one dimension, it will take you an hour. Now, imagine that you alter your course to move in addition to forward (east), north. Now it will take you longer to cross, because some of your velocity in one dimension is being diverted into another dimension.
Book of Questionable Facts – 973
The next day we had troops patrolling the city to keep order. And I closeted myself with Melite, Isodemos and Tros to work on my speech.
“What are you planning to say?” Asked Melite
“Well, Machiavelli says it’s important not to make the people hate you.”
“This Machiavelli sounds like a smart fellow.”
“He was. Or will be. Anyway, he says the way to make them hate you is to take away their property or their women. I plan to do both.”
Isodemos interrupted. “I thought the idea was NOT to make them hate you.”
I ignored him. “Frank Herbert, says that if you are going to change the political system, you need to introduce a new religion.”
“Who are these people? Are they successful statesmen? Have they conquered cities?” Asked Tros.
“Well, no. Machiavelli was more or less a failed politician and Frank Herbert was a writer, but since no one has ever done anything remotely like what we are doing…”
I trailed off.
“Was he a writer of histories, like Herodotus?” Asked Melite.
“No, he was more or less a writer of fantasy stories. Anyway, the key is to give them a new religion to believe in. Machiavelli says this too. More or less.”
“So the writer of fantasy and the failed politician both agree? Well, let’s do it then!” Melite’s sarcastic streak was in full form.
As the full nature of the changes I was planning became clear they became more nervous.
“I know we decided it was better to make all the changes at one time, but some of this seems like too much.” Said Melite.
Tros nodded in agreement. “They may kill us all!” he said smiling.
“Do you think so?” I asked. But no one answered.
Socrates came to eat dinner with us and I tried out my speech on him.
“Well… I like it. But, then again, I’m not a popular man and the people often want to kill me. So maybe I’m not the best judge.”
I asked him to tell me about the assembly room.
“Well the assemblies are held outside at the Pnyx hill. At the summit there is a flat rock where the speaker stands. In front of the rock are wooden chairs for the members of the council of 500, then there are benches for another few thousand and beyond standing room for up to 20,000 or so. There’s rarely more than 7 or 8 thousand citizens in attendance, but I imagine tomorrow it will be full.”
“I hope so.”
After dinner I asked Tros to walk with me and I gave him some special instructions for the troops for tomorrow.
“How many do you want?” He asked.
“As many as you can get. I’d rather have too many than not enough. And get some of our people to the Pnyx hill early. I want them there before the first citizens arrive.”
“I’ll see to it.”
We stopped in front of the newly consecrated temple to Einstein.
“I’ve got to talk to Fotis before I sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
When I found Fotis, he was teaching a class on the nature of stars.
“Fotis, You remember how I asked you to do something dangerous the other day?”
“I remember it like it was yesterday.”
“Well, I need you to do something dangerous again tomorrow. Maybe not quite as dangerous as walking head on into a hostile city, but certainly scarier.”
“What do you need?” he looked nervous but determined.
I explained to him what I wanted. He looked incredulous.
“You must be mad!”
“I am but mad north north-west. When the wind is from the south, I can tell a hawk from a handsaw.”
“You’re not helping.”
“Sorry. Hamlet.” I shrugged
“Is your plan even possible?”
“I assure you it is. I’ve seen it done. Not exactly like this, but similar. It really isn’t as dangerous as it seems.”
“My life belongs to the great god Jack, I mean Einstein. I’ll do whatever is needed.”
“Thanks. I promise, next time we accidentally capture a city, I’ll make Tros do all the really dangerous stuff.”
Chapter 18
The Milky Way is made of stars, billions and billions of stars (like our Sun), the stars are organized into a spiral shaped str
ucture by gravity called a galaxy. The entire galaxy rotates and the earth is located on one of the arms of the spiral. At the center is probably a giant black hole (see section on black holes).
Book of Questionable Facts - 1114
I didn’t sleep much that night and neither did Melite. So we looked like hell when Pericles arrived fresh as Spring to take us to the Pnyx. It was still early, the assembly would start later that morning.
“Are you ready to go down to the assembly?”
“We’re ready. Let’s go.”
As we walked towards the hill, a group of frantic men came towards us and seeing Pericles stopped.
“Pericles!” one of the men said. “There are soldiers at the Pynx and they won’t let us offer the usual sacrifice! And they won’t let the council members sit in their seats! And they won’t let anybody sit on the benches! Come do something!”
Pericles looked at me. “These are your men they’re talking about?”
I nodded.
He turned to the group. “My friends. Everything will be alright. For today, we will do things a little different, but soon everything will return to normal. Let’s think, just for today, that this is not a meeting of the Assembly, but rather a special meeting of citizens and our honored guests and so, little changes to our traditions have to be expected.”
The men weren’t in the least mollified, and we continued on our way, ignoring, as best we could, their continued complaints.
As we came in view of the assembly area, trumpets began to sound calling the citizens to assemble. As the men had told us, a group of Distillery soldiers had blocked off all the seating close to the speaker’s platform. Already a large group of citizens had assembled.
Pericles led me down to the front and the soldiers let us pass. We sat and waited. After a while there was a commotion by one of the guards. We looked over and Pericles said. “You’ll have to let him come down. He’s the presiding officer.”
I motioned to the guard to let him pass. The standing area was soon bursting with men. And the presiding officer took to the platform.
“This special, unusual session of the assembly of the citizens of Athens is now open. Who wishes to speak?”
This apparent open invitation must have been understood by all to be nothing more than show, because nobody wanted to speak, except Pericles.
So, Pericles mounted the platform and began his speech.
“Citizens of Athens!” Then he paused as if thinking better. “My friends! For you are all my friends, even though we have had our differences. My friends, allow me to speak first of our ancestors. For it is right and seemly that now that we are lamenting our defeat in war, that we pay tribute to their memory.”
He spoke for a long time. He talked about the breach in the wall and the army of Sparta and the certain defeat of Athens. He talked about the beauty of the city and the freedom of the citizens, he talked about the great history of Athens and the great power it had achieved. He had a reputation as a great orator and his reputation was well justified. They adored him.
I began to question the wisdom of letting him speak first. I was not going to look good by comparison, plus I was going to say a lot of things they weren’t going to like…
Finally Pericles said “Now, my friends, you will have the historic privilege of hearing from a great man. A man who commands the power of thunder, a man who speaks with the gods! You may not like everything he has to say! But rest assured, his way is the only salvation for Athens. And Socrates speaks highly of him!”
That drew a laugh from the crowd.
He walked the few steps down from the platform and waved me up.
I was nervous. I’d never been afraid of public speaking, but this was different. The crowd was giant and anxious and hostile.
Still, there was no help for it. I nodded to Fotis and, as he slipped away, I climbed the steps.
I held up my hands for quiet and waited for them to settle down.
“I will not call you my friends, because we have not earned that relationship. Not me towards you, nor you towards me. And I will not call you citizens of Athens, because that is a status that is in flux. I will however call you allies, because we need each other!
Pericles spoke of your ancestors, he spoke of your glorious past! He spoke of your glorious present! I will speak of your glorious future! But before I do, before we allies talk together of the benefits of our alliance, some of our allies are missing! And it would be unseemly for us to talk in their absence about things that will affect them too!”
I motioned to the soldiers and they lead a group of newcomers into the assembly, past the standing area to the seats and benches.
I heard the murmurs running through the crowd “Slaves!” and “Women!”
And they were slaves and women. Our soldiers had gone door to door and gathered as many slaves and women as they could find and brought them to the hill to take part, for the first time, in the assembly. Once they were seated I raised my hands again for quiet. Then I gestured to Tros and he had one of his people blow a short blast on a trumpet.
“You all heard Pericles talk of the ancient glories of Athens. And I promise you that her future will be even more glorious!”
Scattered cheering.
“In the ancient past, even the gods vied to be the protector of Athens!”
I gestured towards the Acropolis, to remind them how Athena and Poseidon competing to become the protector of the city offered gifts to the people of Athens. Poseidon offered a spring of water and Athena the olive tree. But, Poseidon, being a sea god offered a spring of undrinkable salt water, and there is, even today, a salty spring on the Acropolis. Athena won, obviously.
“The gods who strode the earth in the days of Agamemnon have been silent for many many years. But the Great God Einstein walks the earth, not with Agamemnon, but with you! The Great God Einstein speaks, not with Agamemnon, but with you! And he speaks with THUNDER!
“I’m reminded of a wedding I attended a long time ago in a far off country called Laos. In this country, it is the custom for the groom to come to the house of the bride’s family. When the groom arrives he knocks on the door of their house. Then the family of the bride opens the door and seeing the groom, dressed in his wedding clothes, they slam the door in his face! And he must keep knocking until they are convinced he is a persistent groom.
Two days ago the Great God Einstein knocked on the door of this city. And you SLAMED the door in his face!”
Suddenly, all the people in the crowd, the citizens and the slaves, the men and the women all looked up over my head. They began to scream in terror. I turned to look too. Then I fell to my knees and shouted. “Kneel! Kneel before the power of the GREAT GOD EINSTEIN!!”
And they all knelt as Fotis, in his hot-air balloon rose from behind the hill until he floated lazily at the end of his tether 100 feet over our heads, casually tossing small firecrackers into the air above us.
I’d made the balloon out of linen, lined with papyrus and sealed with pitch. I’d wanted to use silk, but we were still waiting for the cloth merchants Megakreon had dispatched to China to return.
After some moments (it’s never a good idea for miracles to last too long. The people get quickly jaded) I signaled to Fotis to go back and he signaled to the men on the tether to pull him down. Then I rose to my feet and turned back to the crowd. They were all cowering in fear. Even the unflappable Pericles seemed genuinely afraid.
“The Great God Einstein is a persistent groom! When Athens slammed the door in his face, he made another door! Now, he is knocking on the door to your souls! Don’t make him open his own door!
“Now then, there are going to be some changes around here.”
And I explained to the assembled crowd how the god wanted things to be.
I explained about the obligation to search for knowledge about the nature of the world and I explained about the obligation of kindness.
I explained how the obligation of kindness meant th
at all the slaves were now free. There was a lot of shouting at this news (and cheering from the slaves), but the soldiers soon brought them back to order.
I explained how the obligation to search for knowledge meant that all children and most adults would have to attend new schools that we would establish. Even women and girls. More shouting, more threats and eventually order was restored.
I explained how the obligation of kindness meant that women would have an equal part in the civic and economic life of the city. There was grumbling at this, but they seemed to be learning.
“At this point, if you are a male slave-owning citizen, you might be feeling like this is a bad dream. But I have something for you too! First, you will not lose your lands or your life to the Spartan army that is approaching even as we speak. If you don’t see the value in that, you might not be enjoying life enough!”
There was a smattering of laughter.
“Additionally, you now have an opportunity to worship the Great God Einstein! As you have seen, his power is greater than other gods! He now protects you! No enemy will dare attack you!”
I could see heads nodding in agreement. They had all seen the power of the god.
“Furthermore, we will build a trade network unrivaled in the history of the world! Vodka was just the start. All the world will come to Megara and Athens to buy and sell! Athens will be rich beyond your wildest dreams!”
Now there were shouts of approval. I had no idea exactly what we would be trading, but I figured we’d come up with something and it’s good to end on a high note.
“In times of crisis, and I think we can all agree that this is such a time.”
“Yeah! Caused by you!” a heckler shouted
“Caused by Aspasia! Caused by Athens. My people and I, we have only ever followed the will of the Great God Einstein! Who banned us from the Agora? Aspasia! Who chased our holy community from the city? Aspasia! Who maneuvered to pass the Megarian Decree? Aspasia! Who started this war with Sparta? Aspasia!”
A New York Lawyer in the Court of Pericles Page 13
