And so I dithered. I didn’t want to take Melite on the march in her condition and I really didn’t want to face the Persian army. Not only did I want to avoid killing, I was also, at least equally, afraid of being killed.
We had our explosive weapons, cannons and grenades, but, if the reports could be believed, they had at least 6 times our number of soldiers and if they could master their fear of our weapons the fight would be brutal and uncertain. I didn’t like either brutal or uncertain.
I have always loved spring. Maybe that should go without saying, I guess most people love spring, but I’ve always felt like spring and I had a special connection. Melite gave birth to our 2nd daughter on the first day of spring (the Persian astronomers in Ankyra had an excellent grasp on the seasons. I couldn’t wait to see what they would do once we got them some telescopes). I was beyond ecstatic. I’m sure that no one in the history of the world has ever felt as much joy and I did that day. She was a tiny little bundle of happiness delivered just when I needed it. We named her Alice, just because I liked the name.
Like many older sisters, Rose, was skeptical about the new addition to the family. But over time, she became a fierce protector of little Alice and started to sleep curled up on a cushion at the foot of the crib (my design) we had carried from Greece for Alice.
I felt proud that Rose wanted to protect Alice but, sad that my daughter, barely 3 years old, could feel the threat of life with the army.
There was no question of leaving now. We would wait at least until Melite and Alice were able to travel.
Then, one day, while I listened to Tros and Pericles and, even Socrates, harangue me about the dangers of waiting any longer, a signal corps messenger was announced.
The messenger entered and handed me a slip of paper and with a salute to Tros and Pericles (I forbade soldiers from saluting me, as I was outside the military chain of command) retreated outside the room to wait for a response.
‘Project Puff a success. I sail for Miletus. DS’
I handed it around the room. Of course, it didn’t mean anything to anyone else.
“I assume it’s from Dikaiopolis. What the hell is Project Puft?” Asked Pericles.
“Oh, no. Project Puff, with an ‘F’ not a ‘T’, is top secret. Send 200 of your best men with 20, maybe 25 large wagons to Miletus to wait for Dikaiopolis. We’ll have to wait for him here. Trust me, it’s worth it!”
And that was all I needed. As much as they liked to think of themselves as a powerful military force, they all relied on our technology to win and avoid battles. So, just the hint that some new military technology was coming from Megara was enough to silence all opposition to waiting.
Project Puff wasn’t really the same kind of new technology as before, nothing like the game changer that cannons were, more like an old wine in a new bottle, but I hoped it might be what we needed.
So, another 2 blissful months passed, as Alice and Melite grew stronger, Rose and I played. I taught classes and worked on my book. The Persians had made us wait and now we were returning the favor.
Finally Dikaiopolis arrived with 50 assistants and over 300 large crates. He came to see me as soon as he arrived. Pericles and Tros and, even, Melite tried to horn their way in on our meeting, but I kept them all out (Melite later explained to me the error of my ways and, let’s just say I’ll never make that mistake again).
“Dikaiopolis! So glad you could join us here in the middle of this beautiful war!”
“Well, you know how stuffy the lab can get after a while.”
“So, how are they? Will they work?”
“They’re good. From even pretty close up, they look like the real thing. OF course, as far as I know, no one has ever seen the real thing, so that makes it easier to fake.”
“And you’ve tested it?”
“Just around the Distillery. That’s another reason I had to come, there are people at the Distillery who didn’t find my test runs amusing. Apparently I, almost, scared an old man to death.”
“That’s good! I mean, assuming he’s ok.”
“Yeah, yeah, he’s fine. But there was a bit of panic. One of my observers was actually trampled by a fleeing mob. Broke her arm.”
“So, when can I see it? I want to keep it a secret.”
“That won’t be easy. We made it to your specifications. So, it’s pretty big. We also made 20 of the smaller ones. Once we had all the gearing and mechanisms developed, they were easy to put together.”
“So, how many soldiers will you need to operate all of them?”
“Well, the big one needs 11 and each of the smaller ones just need 1 each. So, let’s figure 65 if we train doubles on each position.”
“Ok, let’s keep everything boxed until we are closer to Babylon, then we’ll assemble them and train the soldiers.”
His disappointment showed on his face. “You don’t want to see it now? It’s really awesome!”
“OK!” I laughed. Nothing like a lab geek eager to show off his new toy. “I’ll order us a barge, your men can load the big one on the barge and we’ll head a few miles downstream. You can assemble it there and give me a demonstration, but then you’ll have to box it back up.”
“You’re going to LOVE IT!”
So, two days later we floated downstream with Dikaiopolis and his assistants and about 50 crates. Melite (lesson learned) and Rose and Alice and I ate a picnic lunch (well, not Alice, although she did eat al fresco) while Dikaiopolis and his people worked behind a giant curtain. After we ate, since they were still working, I told Rose and Melite (and Alice, although her attention wandered) a story (Stuart Little) and then, since they still weren’t ready, we took a nap. Finally as the sun was thinking about setting, Dikaiopolis, a bit of a ham really, announced that everything was ready.
“Honored guests! If you will kindly direct your attention to the curtain and prepare to be amazed!”
I covered Rose’s eyes and Dikaiopolis give the signal. The curtain was dropped and I was greeted by a gratifying scream from Melite. Once Melite was under control, I passed her Rose and they wandered off a ways so that Dikaiopolis could put Project Puff through its paces.
It was, as he said, awesome! It was, indeed, giant, over 35 feet tall, and definitely intimidating. But to be honest, I didn’t think it was going to work. I know it was wrong to look at it with modern expectations, but I am a modern man.
Melite convinced me I was wrong. On the barge as we worked our way slowly back to the city (you can float downstream, but you need to be pulled back upstream), she told me, “If I saw that thing on the battlefield, I’d piss myself, shit myself and step on the head of my commanding officer on my way to anywhere else!”
“I married you for your way with words.”
I was standing at the edge of the barge and she took that opportunity to push me into the river. Luckily the barge wasn’t moving very fast and Melite kindly helped me back onboard. But, damn, that water was cold!
Still, Melite isn’t afraid of anything, and if Project Puff could frighten her, we might have a chance.
So it was with a certain amount of hope (tinged with dread, and having exhausted all my excuses) that 3 days later I order the army to prepare to march.
We marched east from Ankyra taking any cities in our path until we reached a branch of the Euphrates River. There we commandeered as many ships as we could find and continued down the river, taking each port as we passed and acquiring more ships until, eventually, we had enough ships for all our soldiers and supplies and we started bypassing cities to make up time.
While it was hard to get enough ships, moving the army by river was much easier and faster than on land, (especially since the river was swollen and fast with the spring snow melt). No broken axels or overturned wagons, no lost scouts to search for. Just, relatively, steady progress.
We pulled into the city of Sippar, about 35 miles north of Babylon and quickly overwhelmed the small garrison.
Now, the Persian army would
know we were coming. After almost a year operating in the Persian Empire, we were coming to the decisive moment.
We traveled now with cannon always at the ready. The entire army ringed by cannon and grenade and rocket crews, anticipating an attack from any direction at any moment. But the Persians seemed content to wait for us at Babylon. We moved slowly, cautiously. Let them wait.
Our scouts reported that the Persian army had prepared the field outside the city, leveling the ground to allow better operation of their deadly scythe-wheeled battle chariots.
And sure enough, when we arrived outside the city 12 days later, there they were, waiting. About half a mile separated our armies as we set up camp. Soon it was full night. I set up teams of soldiers with fires in caldrons and gave them orders to occasionally toss shovels-full of loose gunpowder into their fires to create giant flares. I wanted the Persians to see them.
I couldn’t sleep and kept Melite and Rose awake most of the night. Alice wasn’t sleeping either, so a few hours before dawn I took her out of the tent.
We walked the perimeter of the camp and talked with the sentries as we passed. Socrates, who never seemed to sleep, joined us for a while and then wandered off after a time. Eventually Alice slept and I was alone.
Soon, the camp was waking up. Soldiers everywhere preparing for battle, sharpening weapons, strapping on armor, saddling horses, eating breakfast, everywhere activity. I felt a little lost.
As the sun was coming up, the soldiers assembled in their squads to hear my pre-battle speech.
“Soldiers of the union! Today we fight! We don’t fight for glory, but glory will come to us! We don’t fight for honor, but we will receive honor! We fight in the name of the Great God Einstein! We fight for FREEDOM! We fight for KINDNESS! We fight for SCIENCE! We never fall in battle, but we rise! We never die, but we are reborn! Soldiers! Form your lines!”
And with a cheer they ran to their places on the lines.
The morale of the men was high. Almost too high. They were used to winning against improbable odds and more experienced opponents. The problem with that kind of morale is that it is likely to fall apart at the first loss. Our army was largely made up of soldiers who had never seen a comrade fall, and I wondered how they would react the first time it happened. Actually, I didn’t wonder, I was pretty sure that they would fall apart.
I had instructed the division leaders to have their forward squadrons line up just in front of the wagon with the covered boxes and their other squadrons behind the wagons. This worried the soldiers, since they normally lined up BEHIND the cannons and the cannons kept them from any actual fighting.
These wagons, contained Project Puff, so there was two large wagons, lashed side by side, with their covered box some 40 feet high (with the wagons the whole thing was a 43 foot high by 25 foot wide giant black cloth covered box), visible to all soldiers on both sides and the 20 smaller wagons with their smaller black cloth covered boxes, only visible to soldiers stationed close by, but since there were 20 of them, almost all our soldiers could see one.
There must have been a lot of speculation about the boxes and what could be in them as we advanced to within 100 yards of the, also advancing, Persian army. Once I was sure that the Persians could see us clearly, I gave the signal. All front squadrons fell back behind the wagons, and the wagon handlers unhitched their horses and lowered ramps in front of their wagons.
Everyone was watching. Both armies stopped waiting to see what would unfold.
I gave another signal and the 20 smaller boxes were uncovered to reveal 20 barred cages and the cages were swung open. There was a sudden commotion on our side as the soldiers closest to the wagon fought to get away from what had been freed.
Then the final signal and the black cloth was pulled back from the giant box to reveal its giant cage and the giant creature inside. The cage swung open and Project Puff came down the ramp.
With a powerful roar, it looked from side to side and seeing the bewildered Persian army, advanced a few yards, then with another mighty roar it opened its mouth and spewed a 50 foot stream of flame.
Dikaiopolis had built a dragon! With a flame thrower! Awesome!
We’d had to develop tons of new technologies to make it all work, gears, light-weight steel tubes, pressure pumps, seals etc. Because the alcohol wasn’t as flammable as we wanted, we had sent to Arabia for some petroleum and then learned how to distill it into its most flammable gasoline/kerosene components. The large dragon (I’d named it Project Puff, after Puff the Magic Dragon, but the result was closer to Godzilla) was 35 feet tall and about 15 feet wide and 20 feet deep at the base. Hidden inside the base were two 5 man bicycles (without wheels, like exercise bikes) to provide power for the tractor treads and movement of the head and arms and pressure for the gasoline. Above the bicycles was a control compartment in the head. The head swiveled from side to side and could be lowered to direct flame at the ground. The whole thing was covered in patterned leather (thanks to my old owner Cleon), painted with glittering green and gold paints. Even from up close (assuming you could get up close) it was pretty realistic (for a replica of a 1950’s Japanese movie monster, with tank treads).
There was panic on both sides! Especially once people noticed the 20 smaller, crocodile-like, dragons moving across the plain. They were one man operations about 20 feet long with a kind of lying-down bicycle system inside to operate the legs and a hand operated mouth and head, they also could spew flames.
Our soldiers, more accustomed to these kinds of, for lack of a better word, miracles, came quickly under control. The Persians, unused to miracles and the object of the attack, were in full retreat, although there was no place to go. The city gates were closed to its own army.
I signaled to the cannon squads and they advanced to the head and began to concentrate fire on the main Babylon gate. Soon the gates were open and the retreating army poured in.
We recalled the dragons and covered their cages (no point in letting anyone get too close a look). Although we keep one soldier in the big dragon to occasionally operate the trumpet system and remind everyone what was under the cover.
Then we marched 100 cannon and 5,000 cavalry to the gate to await their surrender. It wasn’t long in coming.
We offered them standard terms. And soon King Artaxerxes was being escorted from the city by his personal guard of soldiers (and a larger contingent of Union soldiers), and our army was taking control of the city.
And there was much rejoicing. Whenever we took a city the residents were so happy that there was no slaughter, looting, enslaving or rape that they took the whole loss of slaves, privileges and imposition of women’s rights pretty well. At least at first, after they had a chance to get used to not being dead, many of them began to resent the changes, but it was too late and they had too little power to move things back. Then after a longer time they began to see the benefits. Not everyone, of course, but enough to cement our position.
Priests poured in and the Persian army poured out. Our final count of the Persian army was close to 400,000. We disbanded most of them but took some experienced scouts who knew the way into India and some sailors to man our boats, along with 10,000 soldiers to fill out our forces.
As always, we took some of the Persian soldiers into the priesthood. Soldiers who had faced the miraculous power of the Great God, often made the best converts.
That night we set off a giant fireworks display from the roof of the royal palace. Oh, and there was a big party in the fabled Hanging Gardens (which really were fabulous).
Chapter 30
About 12.5 billion years ago, they entire universe was compressed into an infinitesimally small point, then for reasons that I don’t know, it suddenly exploded and began the process that lead to everything in the universe today
Book of Questionable Facts - 1319
But, no rest for the wicked, as they say. So, that night we also started on plans for the next leg of our journey. As big an accomplishment as it was, t
he Persian Empire was a stepping stone on our way to India and Cilo.
We brought the fleet down from Sippar, commandeered as many ships as were serviceable and a couple of weeks later we continued down the Euphrates. We left 1500 soldiers and 200 priests and ordered shipments of cannon and fireworks and explosives from Ankyra (where our university system was in full production).
With Babylon taken, the rest of the Empire was falling into line, so we didn’t need to stop and conquer every city on our way to the sea.
Our original plan had been to split the army after taking Babylon and send most of the army over land to conquer in the name of the Great God Einstein, but after spending so long in Ankyra, we were all anxious to get on with the business of finding and rescuing Cilo. So, the new plan was to take the whole army on ships to India, land north of the city, off load some of the army then sail south of the city and off load some more soldiers and finally blockade the port with the fleet thus encircling the city of Kozhikode and, hopefully, trapping Aspasia before she knew what was happening.
Our local captains told us that the Euphrates meets the sea at a large gulf which then enters into the ocean proper (I guess the Indian Ocean), from there we can follow the coast to India and then down the Indian coast to Kozhikode.
I was worried about keeping the fleet close to the shore, since we would be visible and word of our approach might get to Aspasia.
“There is nothing we can do about it.” Said Pericles. “A few of our ships might be able to cross the open ocean, but the majority are river ships. It’s a risk taking them out to sea, even if we stay close to the shore.”
“What’s our best option then?”
“Our best option,” Said Tros, “is to move fast. If we are spotted in one city our best chance to keep down the spread of information is to reach the next city before any travelers.”
A New York Lawyer in the Court of Pericles Page 23
