by K. Pinson
“Pleaseee, I need this.” I heard myself moan and didn’t care how desperate I sounded.
I needed him to be inside of me. My pussy was dripping in anticipation. When he finally thrusted into me, pure bliss illuminated my entire being and I felt overcome with emotions. Oh, the delicious mix of pain and pleasure as he pushed in and out of me, getting in as deep as he could go. The noises coming from him were driving me wild and I couldn’t control screaming out his name. The room was spinning and my mind was foggy, it was hard for me to chalk up the feeling as immense chemistry for this exquisite being taking complete control over my body or the amount of alcohol coursing through my veins. Daxton was above me, my legs wrapped firmly around his back, pumping in and out of my body with such vigor that I couldn’t even completely form words to describe the sensation. He kissed my lips and explored my body with his hands. He trailed his mouth and tongue down my neck, paying special attention to my taut nipples. My beautiful stranger was doing things to my body that would rival the best of them.
Daxton looked into my eyes; as if he was soul searching and I caught slight hints of tenderness.
”Harder please..I need it.” I yelled out to him and dug my nails into his back.
I needed to keep this completely unattached. I didn’t want to see the more sweet side of Daxton. I wanted the bad boy, the man whore. I needed to be used by him. Daxton was bad for me and I knew it, but I didn’t care. I needed to be wild for a change. I was completely stuck in a rut. On Monday morning I‘d go back to my mediocre life but now, I wanted to live.
“You’re so wet for me baby, god, so fucking hot.” His dirty words finally sent me over the edge and I cried out and fell apart all over his living room floor. At the same time he moaned and bit down on my collarbone, hard.
My body released all of the pent up aggression and tension that I had been holding over the years. What was once sloppy and broken had in this moment melded together. My legs began to shake uncontrollably. He placed his mouth in the nape of my neck and I could feel him smirk. He knew that he did this to me, he made me feel complete happiness in the aftershock of amazing sex. We lay on the floor for what seemed like hours, tangled in each other’s arms. I could feel his breathing slow down and I knew he had fallen asleep. His strong arms held me firmly to his chest in protection. I chanced a look up at him, admiring how extremely peaceful he looked, softly snoring. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say the same. My head was still spinning and I couldn’t get control over the butterflies in my stomach. The sudden urge to throw up gripped me fast, so I rolled over quietly and darted to the bathroom. I passed out hugging the porcelain goddess. Yet again hating alcohols day of birth.
I woke up, just as the early morning birds began to chirp. I slowly stretched my body out and inched my eyelids open. I painfully searched my surroundings for familiarity, I got nothing. I finally came face to face with a handsome stranger and knew that I had made a beautiful mistake the previous night. I didn’t remember ever moving from the bathroom floor, so he must have placed me in his bed with him. I couldn’t help but think of how sweet that was, but quickly went back into survival mode. I crept quietly out of bed and away from my handsome undoing, grabbing my purse and coat that was half hazardly slung across the couch. Quickly making a break for it. I walked at a fast pace to the end of the driveway, dialing a cab company as I went. Luckily, the Hunter green mailbox listed the address or I would have had to do the walk of shame all over. Glancing down I noticed my disheveled appearance for the first time. At some point Daxton had dressed me in one of his t-shirts that read “In Spades” and a pair of baggy sweats. I had to give the guy credit, he was a closet sweetheart. I could never let myself get involved with anyone that could potentially bring me back down to size on the monster that I knew was lurking underneath my skin. I had responsibilities now and someone that actually needed and loved me, I would not mess this up for a one night stand, despite the feeling of emptiness I felt as I was going to leave my beautiful stranger in bed alone.
My cab arrived no more than ten minutes later. I would worry about my car, which I remembered was still parked at the bar, later. Right now, I needed an Advil. I definitely knew how to party for someone that had been out of the game for so long. I rested my eyes and briefly fell asleep until the cabby hurriedly shouted for me to get out. I threw a twenty in the front seat and took off down my driveway. I pulled out my keys and hoped that my tenacious little girl would be sound asleep still, not prepared for the question of why mommy was looking so messy. Abby was used to my work clothes and old lady hair do’s. There is no way she would understand the sudden change.
My head throbbing and my body deliciously aching, I quietly entered my house. I made my way up stairs and lucked out this time. Christina sound asleep in the guest bedroom and Abby curled up with her favorite stuffed animal, a content look plastered on her small face. I smiled and crept into my bedroom, throwing off my clothes as I went. They smelled of him and I was unsure if I would ever get his dark, knowing eyes out of my mind. I climbed into a warm bath and let my body sink into the water, washing away the reminiscence of one of my happier moments. I lay in the water until my skin pruned. Finally climbing out, grabbing some pajamas of my own and tossing his into my dirty clothes basket. I climbed into my bed and fell back into a deep sleep, thoughts of bad boy rock stars and drunken sex dancing in my head.
When I finally awoke, I walked downstairs and found my Abby cuddling on the couch with a bowl of fruity pebbles, watching some show on TV with oversized alien looking creatures dancing and singing to a baby faced sun, ugh. I gave her a kiss on the top of her little head and she looked up at me with her toothy grin, “I loveeee you mommy.” she exclaimed and that was all of the reassurance I have ever needed.
I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing with Abby and Christina and working another night shift at the bar, secretly hoping that my beautiful stranger would make an appearance, but no such luck. The week and following weekend had flown by with nothing really to tell. My life was all about the familiar though, so I embraced it.
Chapter 3: Split Personality
Abby had talked nonstop all week about the amazing new edition to her Kindergarten classroom. Mr. James, the music therapist that has been working with the class a couple days a week. I’d heard about him a couple of times in the faculty lounge and all of the female teachers had been in a tizzy about how good looking he was. I knew that I had to take a peak for myself, so I snuck over to Abby’s classroom during my lunch hour and glanced inside. Mrs. Anderson saw me standing in the door and waved me in. I caught sight of the most firm, tone back and thick dark hair that I had ever laid eyes on. He was holding a guitar and singing a soft lullaby to the kids who were now gathered around him on the floor, each with their own small tambourine to accompany him. I think he was singing a song about shapes and colors, but the way that his voice was entrancing me, I couldn’t be so sure. I was feeling extremely inappropriate at the moment, as thoughts of making love to his vocal chords were gracing my mind with their presence. But, I couldn’t resist, so I walked around the tiny group of children and sat right next to Abby, looking up at the man strumming effortlessly on the guitar. I gasped in shock and I’m sure my mouth fell to the floor as I looked up into the eyes of my beautiful stranger.
Daxton smiled at the kids and made sure to let them all know when it was time to shake their tambourines to the beat. He hadn’t even noticed me right away; he was so intense and passionate about getting each one of these children involved in the song. I could see real love emanating from his presence and I couldn’t even comprehend what a coincidence that this was. His cocky demeanor and dark, knowing eyes had evaporated from the last time I saw him and in its place was a relieving light. Daxton exuded confidence, but approachability. His once dark brown eyes almost held a gold shimmer tone, he looked so happy. I was in awe and barely noticed Abby’s little hand latching on to my own, she looked up into my face and gave a crooked little smile. I looked do
wn and wondered what she could possibly be up to. Her little hand shot straight up into the air taking mine with her.
“Scuseeee’ me, Mr. James?” She called out, completely distracting the rest of the kids from the music that was being played.
Daxton finally looked in my direction and I was MORTIFIED. I knew my face was probably a nice shade of scarlet. All I could do was pray that he wouldn’t remember me, how much had he had to drink that night? I don’t even remember. Daxton stopped strumming the guitar and for a split second looked almost as mortified as me, but then that cocky sex appeal came oozing back, making me wonder if me noticing the lax was just a figment of my imagination.
“Yes Abby, what can I do for you?” he asked, a hint of smile creeping up in his eyes.
“I just wanted to show you what my Mommy looks like, now you can see I was not lying bout’ her being pwetty, now can you be my daddy?” her little voice responded with conviction.
Okay, if I wasn’t completely embarrassed before, I was now. I looked over at her and gave her my best “we will talk when we get home young lady” look. Her confidence never wavered, she just smiled innocently at me and my heart melted. It always did. She had me wrapped completely around her finger. Daxton stuttered for a minute, at a complete loss for words. It was unlike the Daxton I had met the select couple of times at the bar and definitely unlike the wild animal that ravaged me on his living room floor. I was just as speechless as he was, though. Luckily, Mrs. Anderson came to the rescue.
“Well it’s about lunch time children, let’s all say goodbye to Mr. James and grab our lunches out of our bins.“ Thank the heavens, saved by the bell.
A sea of little bodies all rushed up and ran over to their bins attached to the wall, including Abby. I got up and brushed off my butt, not wanting to chance dust settling on my black pants and mortifying me even more. I exited the classroom with as much haste as I could muster.
“Wait!“ I heard his deep voice call out at me and as much as I wanted to keep walking, my body willed me to stop and turn around.
“Yes?” I stuttered out.
“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Daxton stated and at that moment I died a thousand deaths.
Daxton bellowed out a loud, warm laugh and said “I’m just kidding, why’d you run out on me the other morning beautiful? I was going to cook you breakfast.”
The look of complete dismay couldn‘t have been more evident on my face. I was caught.
“I normally don’t do that kind of thing and well uh..I don’t know how much Abby has told you about her mom…but uhm…I have a lot of responsibility and I owe that little girl to devote my undivided attention to her…I don’t know if I can take any distractions in my life…and uhm.” I was stumbling over words and was more than happy when Daxton cut me off
“So I’m just a distraction eh? Well I would welcome a distraction like what we shared any time. You didn’t feel the chemistry like I did?” He almost looked like he resented blurting out that statement and I sat quietly pondering for a moment, giving him time to retract it if he deemed necessary but to my surprise, he smiled and waited patiently for me to answer.
My mind was screaming to just cut my losses and let this man known right here and right now that I could not even welcome him into my life, he could break me and I knew it. Daxton was everything that I had been trying to run away from. I didn’t deserve to be happy. My only goal in life was Abby’s happiness, not my own.
He was beautiful to say the least, passionate, charming, and funny with just a hint of cockiness that would approach the surface at opportune times. I knew Daxton would shred any semblance of decency I held, but for some reason I just could not stay away.
“Well yes, I felt it, from what I can remember. I don’t mean to offend but I was more than a little bit drunk… I don’t regret the time we spent together, it’s just not something I normally do and I am feeling a little bit ashamed about it. I love that Abby is so fond of you in her classroom, she talks about you constantly, but nothing can happen between us, nothing more than a simple hi between acquaintances” As the words left my mouth, I instantly regretted them. My confidence completely diminished. I wanted to take it all back, but I had to push forward. It was for the best. I didn’t need any more responsibilities.
Daxton didn’t say another word. He quickly turned around and walked down the hallway with his head hung low like a lost puppy dog. I wanted to call out to him that I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, but I knew that this couldn’t go any further, I felt guilty enough. A deep part of me still believed that I deserved to be punished and unloved. I would never, ever regret the responsibility that I took on with Abby, she was my everything and I knew that if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have made it as long in this world as I have but a part of me still felt like I needed to only give my love to her, every ounce of it and there wasn’t room for anyone else in my life.
I waited for him to turn the corner and out of my sight before walking down the hall and into my classroom. The rest of the day passed by me in a blur.
My thoughts all day were focused on the feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t possibly have feelings for someone I barely even know, but I WANTED to get to know him. My heart and my head were on two different pages as of lately, but I knew one thing for sure, it was going to be extremely hard to focus on the task at hand with my beautiful stranger just a few doors down. It was going to be a long school year.
Chapter 4: Christmas Memories that Haunt Me
Abby had been abnormally quiet for a few weeks now, only offering up the occasional yes or no answers. I was starting to hate not hearing the “I love you Mommy’s” that I had become so used to.
“ Abby, why are being so quiet lately, did mommy do something wrong?” I knew that she probably didn’t even know how much the silence was killing me. She was just being a typical kid, but I felt like I was heading into strange territory.
Abby looked at me and gave me a small little frown “Why can’t you just let Mr. James be my new daddy, he sings good and he pways all kinds of instruments…” She gave me the puppy dog eyes and her lip stuck out in a pouting stance.
“Ugh, Now what do I do?” I thought in my head. I had no idea what to do in this type of situation. I didn’t even realize that Abby would be recognizing the feeling of not having a male role model in her life. Abby had always been a stickler about a specific routine, so I consistently focused on keeping things familiar and easy for her and never stopped to think how not having two parents may affect her. Of course, I don’t know if this would sway my decision anyway. I was happy with the way that things were or at least, she seemed happy and that’s all that really ever mattered to me.
At her age, she had no idea that it’s very likely it wouldn’t work out between Daxton and I. Sure, he shocked the hell out of me when I saw how good with children he was. The two sides of him were completely different; the cocky, lead singer or the sweet, music therapist. It was thrilling to me, I had to admit, but extremely scary at the same time. I didn’t want to do anything to throw off all of the progress that Abby was making in her schooling and at home.
“Well Abby, it’s not as simple as that. I hate to see you sad sweetheart, but it’s not that bad of a deal just having mommy is it? Are you not happy with me?” I hoped that this would throw her off her the questioning for a little while.
It’s not that I never thought about dating, actually I take that back, it’s exactly that and I didn’t know how to get my mindset any differently. Abby looked at me, her baby blues delving deep into my soul “But, you deserve to be happy, too.” she whispered.
I could feel the floodgates beginning to open up. I gave her a quick peck on her little cheek and walked into the kitchen to take a breather. It had been so long since I’ve had a good cry. I was unsure if I would ever stop and I didn’t want Abby to see me like this. I was her strength, her temple, her shelter. If I crumbled, her world would be shattered. That silly litt
le girl didn’t even begin to imagine how happy she makes me. I dried up my tears and went back into the living room to cuddle her, her tiny little body fit perfectly in the curve beneath my arm. We watched all of her favorite television shows until I felt the slow, even breaths coming out of her small frame. I carried her up to bed and tucked her in per our normal routine. Usually, I read to her in bed and almost felt the need to pull out a book just to keep to our norm.
Everything was changing and in this moment, I was realizing that maybe I was the one that liked to stick to the routine more than Abby. I had always correlated the reasoning behind my madness to Abby’s autism, keeping her on a set schedule and not interrupting her normal, but Abby was doing great. I was, in fact, the one that was struggling. I kissed her on the forehead, turned on her nightlight and cracked her bedroom door. I made my way to my bedroom and changed into the now, washed, In Spades t-shirt and the comfiest pair of sweats I could find. The t-shirt no longer smelled like him and it made me just a little bit sad.
Downy fabric softener invaded my senses and lulled me to sleep, no dreams of my beautiful stranger tonight. Only nightmares of a disturbed little girl with big blue eyes. I woke myself with a start, the nightmares fading away. I had begun to get used to getting them every night, but they never got easier to deal with. They usually ended up with me losing Abby, my very worst fear. I only wanted to protect her. But, instead of helping, I was harming. That nagging feeling came back again to settle in my chest. I was always harming.
Chapter 5: Missing You
Another week of ABC’s and counting from one to ten in my classroom, fun, I know. The kids were getting antsy and barely paying attention to the lessons, eager to start Christmas break. Presents, sleeping in and playing with friends all day. Yeah, I was getting nowhere with them. The days were getting longer and colder and I was ready to start my winter break as well. The only down side would be missing that crooked grin in the hallway. Daxton had taken to giving me a heart wrenching smile every time he passed me, but not saying a damn word. I was unsure if I should be flattered or hurt. On the last day before winter break began, Daxton made his appearance in my classroom while I was sitting at my desk, mowing down on some leftover chow mien that I had packed for lunch today
