by K. Pinson
I loved how into the holidays she was and I hoped that I could always help her to continue that love and appreciation. Abby was currently sporting her favorite red overalls with a white turtle neck underneath. She loved getting dressed in holiday colors and I never hindered her choices. I was happy at the progress that she was making and how often she was testing the waters outside of her comfort zone lately. We put her favorite ornament up on the tree that she had just made this year. I fell head over heels in love with it, my first home-made ornament from her. It was a pinecone decorated to resemble a Christmas tree with little lights glued around it and a big star on top. She had given it to me early this year with a homemade card that read “Merry X-Mas Mommy.” I loved my presents more than anything else I could receive this year. I hung the cards up with the one that Faith and Mrs. Anderson had sent me in the mail. Abby was so proud of it, she smiled every time she walked past our display.
Christmas Eve came quickly and I read Twas’ the Night before Christmas to Abby upstairs in her bedroom. We both fell asleep on her little princess bed. I awoke around two in the morning and silently slipped out of her room to put all of the wrapped Christmas presents under the tree. I had spent most of the extra money that I had this year on getting Abby all of the toys I knew she would love. I couldn’t wait to see her little face light up. Sitting around the tree, surrounded by wrapped presents, brought me back to some happier moments in my life. These were the moments when my dad had held a steady job and didn’t drink as if his life depended on it.
The last year that a Christmas was normal in our household I was six years old and sat underneath the Christmas tree, much like I was now. My mom had her pink fluffy robe clutched tightly around her skinny frame and was sucking down a black cup of coffee. I woke them up extremely early this year, anxious to see if Santa had thought I had been a good girl. I remember opening all of the presents and couldn’t stop the disappointment that spread across my face.
“What’s wrong pumpkin?” My dad said to me as he bent down to eye level.
His eyes were a chocolate brown. He had shiny, dark hair that hung to his shoulder blades. He smelled of peppermint and coffee at this time.
“Nothing daddy, everything is perfect.” My little voice squeaked out.
“Is something missing?” he asked me and looked genuinely concerned.
“I was just hoping, you know, that maybe Santa heard that I needed a puppy. But, that’s okay. Maybe, I wasn’t good enough. I did spill juice all over the floor the other day and momma was not happy.” I frowned.
“You were a very good girl this year pumpkin and I know that Santa wouldn’t punish you. Wait here, Santa gave daddy a surprise to give to you, but he told me it had to be last, okay?” My dad left the room and I glanced up at my mom, she had tears in her eyes.
I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her small frame, kissing the tears away from her eyes.
“I love you baby girl, don’t you ever forget how special you are to mommy and daddy ok?” Her voice came out in a low hoarse tone, almost unrecognizable from her usual chipper self.
“I love you too mommy.” I kissed her last single tear away.
My dad came bounding around the corner and I heard the little yaps of the fluff ball he held into his hands. I jumped from mom’s lap and ran to him. He handed me the cutest black and white cocka-poo I had ever seen. She had beautiful blue eyes and I instantly fell in love.
“I am going to name her pumpkin daddy, just like I am your pumpkin, she’s mine! I was a good girl after all Daddy!” I had never been more excited.
Pumpkin only lasted two months until daddy wretched her from my little grasp and threw her out of our moving car. I was getting on his last nerve, he had told me over and over again and the damn dog just wouldn’t stop barking. Those were his words, not mine. How was I to know that would be the last good Christmas I had? I decided right then and there that I would never get another dog as long as I lived. There was no replacement for pumpkin and the pain I had felt when she had to leave. Mom must have known that dad was slowly declining. He was never the same after that Christmas and his brown eyes had turned a devilish black, his beautiful, shiny hair had become a mass of tangles and grease. The smell of booze permeated off of him at a constant rate. My personality had forever changed in that moment. I became a recluse and learned to stay quiet. I had learned that you didn’t have to like someone, but you could still love them. Love wasn’t always enough, though.
I was exhausted after crying my eyes out at a memory I would have rather left buried deep within me. I fell asleep under the brightly lit tree, surrounded by presents.
Abby woke up at seven that morning and came down the stairs towards where I was laying, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She woke me up by shouting “It’s Christmas, Santa came!!” That was definitely one of the better ways that I had been woken up.
She looked adorable, dressed in her Barbie nightgown and Elmo slippers. Her hair had become a rat’s nest while she slept and she looked beyond cute. She darted over to me and plopped her little butt right into my lap.
“Did you sleep good sweetheart?” I said in between the sloppy kisses I was giving to her cheeks.
She giggled and her little voice said back “I did mommy, Santa bwought me lots of stuff. I was a good girl this year! He lovessss me Mommy.”
Tears sprang to my eyes and I choked out “Yes you were, you always are and I love you. I hope you will always remember our Christmas memories. They are so near and dear to my heart.”
We enjoyed the rest of our Christmas, just her and I. This memory overshadowed all of the bad that I held hostage. This was a perfect moment frozen in time. I hoped to visualize it over in my mind whenever the bad tried to come to the surface and mess with my head. Our Christmas was perfect.
The rest of the winter break seemed to zoom by. I worked on my lesson plans for when school would start back up and spent tons of times playing with Abby and the new toys that she loved. I worked the weekend still at the bar and Christina helped me to baby-sit during that time. Daxton’s calls had stopped and I was a little bit distressed about it. I picked up the phone a few times and thought about giving up my stubborn façade, but I just couldn’t do it. For someone, even though I had spent so little time with him, I had really grown to miss him in this past week. New Year’s Eve was approaching and Faith was gushing at work over the night on the town she had planned. She invited me to come along, but there was no way that I was going to be third wheel to Faith’s flavor of the week. She begged me to consider going and even said that her date had a friend she really wanted him to set me up with. Her date’s name was Tripp and he was the drummer in some local band. He rode a Harley Davidson and sported a fo-hawk with bright blue tips; they were almost a match made in heaven. Apparently, Tripp also owned his own music recording studio and worked more frequently producing than actually playing music; he just did that for fun. Faith gushed about how well he treated her and how much his friend was dying to go out with me after she had told him all about me. She didn’t give me much information about him, but I finally agreed to go just to get her to shut up.
I went shopping and bought the most gorgeous gold dress. It held sparkly sequins all over it, very New Year’s Eve esque'. I splurged on a beautiful pair of gold peep toe pumps to set the outfit off. I loved the way it all looked on me. I was excited, even though I would never admit that much to Faith. I hadn’t been out on a New Year’s Eve yet in my adult life. Christina was all set up to watch Abby for the night and I was very ready to go enjoy myself and hopefully forget about my beautiful stranger. It seemed as if I was constantly looking for a distraction and something to keep my time occupied. These next couple of days would hopefully fly by. I was starting to become restless.
Chapter 7: Broken Glass
The day had finally arrived and I was ecstatic to have some time to myself. Abby and I had spent the break together and I loved the extra time with her, but I felt a littl
e bit lonely and needed some male attention to remedy the situation. I wasn’t looking to hook up, just some adult conversation would be nice.
Christina arrived early and the girls ordered in some burgers and fries from the little ice-cream shop down the road. I made sure they were settled in and then rushed upstairs to get ready for my night out. Faith had told me that she would be here to pick me up at eight; she figured it would be easier for us all to just ride together. In my excitement, I never even asked for my date’s name. I guess it didn’t really matter at this point. I threw on my flirty party dress and styled my hair with big messy curls. I threw some blush on my cheeks and some nude gloss, hoping to keep things as natural as possible. I liked the whole ‘looks good but didn’t even try’ concept. I gave myself the Smokey eyed look, which made my already abnormally large blue eyes stand out against my pale skin. I found that I could stomach looking in the mirror for longer periods of time lately with no flashbacks and I was thoroughly enjoying that fact. The small scars were barely noticeable, but I would always know they were there, no amount of makeup could cover up the internal scars that made an outward appearance every time I glanced in a mirror. After I dolled myself up for the night, I felt completely unbreakable. I was beyond ready to take on this night and the New Year. I felt like nothing could go wrong.
I grabbed my little black clutch and headed for the stairs. I heard the doorbell,so I opened it and was surprised at the figure standing there, Daxton.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him, completely taken aback by how drool worthy he looked.
Daxton was dressed up in dark jeans and a black button up shirt that fit his figure perfectly. I could see his arm muscles bulging and I wanted to reach over and kiss them. He had his hair styled messy with a little bit of gel, like he just ran his hand through it and left. His typical black converse made me giggle in my mind. It was unfair how perfect he could look without even trying.
“Nice to see you too, Ava.” He stated with a calm tone, but looked more than a little annoyed.
He showed up on my doorstep and he thought he had the nerve to look annoyed with me?
“Ya ya, it’s nice to see you Dax, now what are you doing here? I don’t mean to rush, but Faith should be here any minute and I have a date tonight.” I hurried through my words, trying to hide the panic I felt.
Daxton pulled his hand out from behind his back and held a single pink stargaze lily. They were my favorite, but there is no possible way for him to know that. It was beautiful and in full bloom. It looked like a new beginning, something fresh. I took it from his extended hand, thanked him shyly and rushed to put it into water. I had lost any feeling I had of annoyance in that moment.
“I’m your date, Ava. I made faith set us up. you’ve been ignoring me and I want to spend some time with you. I can’t stand to think of you with someone else. Why did you, yet again, run out on me?” He followed behind me into the kitchen.
“Lower your voice, the girls are watching a movie in the other room and I don’t want Abby to know you’re here. I cannot believe Faith set me up like this, I am going to have a word with that girl.” I smiled on the inside, happy he was working this hard for me. I did not let that reaction show on the outside, though.
“You can take all my words, as well as your own, to have with her. I would rather be mute then spend this New Year without the most beautiful girl on my arm.” He left me completely breathless. He assumed that I would actually go along with this, but I couldn’t deny his easy assumption. I was ecstatic that it was him. I couldn’t let him off that easy, though.
“Oh yeah, so beautiful, that must be the reason why rushed me out your door like an unwelcome guest the other night.” I scoffed at the memory.
“I didn’t realize you were hurt by that, Ava. I just needed to slow things down a bit. You scare the fuck out of me.” His honesty caught me completely off guard. “You are going out with me tonight, though. I’ll make it worth your while, I promise.”
I was unabashedly liking his forceful approach. I walked into the kitchen to retrieve a vase, not finding one, so I put the beautiful flower into a glass with some water. I had never received flowers before and I was a little bit sentimental while I stared at them. My mind was reeling with thoughts of how to blow off this date, but I secretly wanted it just as bad as Daxton did. I felt almost relieved to see him at my doorstep, as much as I hated not being in the know. Surprises were not my strong suit. I liked to be prepared for any situation. I wanted to be able to practice my emotion and not portray something that I may not want anyone else to know. I liked having a poker face and whenever I got around Daxton, I lost it.
“Faith and Tripp are waiting in the car. Will you please get your cute ass over here and give me a hug. I missed you.” He motioned for me to come over, welcoming me into his open arms.
I would crawl into his body if I could. He smelled of coffee and promise.
. “I missed you, too.” I whispered against his chest
I was irrevocably and desperately falling for this man and as much as I thought I could just move on, he had corrupted a part of my brain that wouldn’t let me forget about him.
Abby came skipping into the room at the same time Daxton was leaning in to give me a kiss, just my luck. I took a quick step backwards, knocking the glass onto the floor that held my flowers and it forcefully shattered to pieces.
“Oh my god!” I was embarrassed like no other.
Abby rushed over to Daxton and gave him a high five.
“It’s about time you got here! I told you she wuvssss those types of flowers.” Abby smiled, looking extremely pleased with herself.
That little shit, conspiring against me and to think, I thought we had something special. I looked down at the broken glass surrounding my feet and it all came rushing back to me like a flood. It happened so suddenly, that I lost balance and fell flat on the floor. The room melted away and I couldn’t see Abby or Daxton any longer. Instead, I was brought back to the place I would never be able to completely forget. All of the familiar sensations ignited inside of me. I felt the stinging pain all over my body from the cuts. The blood red floor, the warmth of it and the rusty smell. I could once again hear the piercing screams and sobs from my mother. I looked down at myself, seeing tattered clothing, cuts all over my body and a broken shell of a girl. The tears slowly started to drip down my face and my heart rate kicked up a couple of notches. I saw the black pits of hell looking at me.
I could hear his menacing words. “You are nothing to me. You will never be anything to anybody else. You are unworthy of love.”
I shattered to pieces just like the mirror or wait, was it a glass? Confusion overtook my thoughts. I was in the past and present all at once, two worlds becoming one.
“You can’t hurt me anymore, you’re dead!!” I shouted out loud.
My own screams piercing my ears. Thankfully, they Snapped me back to reality like a stretched rubber band. The memory was gone as quick as it had come and I felt Daxton’s warm arms wrap around me. I sobbed into his shoulder. He was knelt down by my shaking body. Abby’s bright blue eyes were all I could see through the haze of warm tears. The present, the real present, came rushing back. I slowly climbed to my feet and backed up against the counter. I firmly placed both hands over my mouth, willing any other memories to go back down into the pit of my stomach. Daxton and Abby were both looking at me like I was a crazy person. They weren’t far off base, I was a crazy person. Christina came running into the kitchen. She knew very little of my sordid history and never questioned the relationship between Abby and I. Christina quickly grabbed the broom from the small closet and began sweeping up the broken glass. I needed a moment to compose myself so I gave a quick excuse and headed to the guest bathroom.
I locked myself in and wiped underneath my eyes with toilet paper. I hoped that there wasn’t any black residue left over, but I‘m sure I didn‘t get it all. I couldn’t bring myself to look into the mirror and check. I finally
got my heart beat regular and willed myself to stand up from the toilet where I was sitting with my knees placed beneath my legs. I felt like I could vomit. I heard a soft knock on the outside of the door. I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and willed myself to finish fixing my appearance. I pinched my cheeks giving them some color and threw another layer of lip-gloss on. I fluffed my hair up with my hands and quickly exited the bathroom. I placed my head down, so I didn‘t accidentally look into the mirror. I could not take the reflection. I ran smack dab into Daxton’s chest, placing my hands out in front of me to steady myself. He backed me up into the wall roughly and placed light feather kisses along my jaw bone. My knees began to feel weak, ready to buckle at any moment. Feeling crowded I gently pushed at his chest. He held me firmly to his body and I couldn't escape him.
“I can’t risk you running off on me again babe, you‘re good for that you know. I‘m here for you. Please just let me be.” He took his thumb and wiped underneath both of my eyes, wiping the black onto his pants.
“You’re going to ruin your clothes Dax, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what has gotten into me.” I was not ready to let him in on my dark past.
I needed so badly for him to like the woman that I was now, strong and independent. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me because of my jaded history. I was prepared to come up with any easy lie, prepared to be questioned, but he didn’t. Instead, he held me tight to his chest, so tight I could barely breathe. His intense gaze held mine for what felt like an eternity, before finally letting me go. My heart was being held captive already.
