by M. Robinson
“She’s stable. Not in the clear... but she’s fuckin’ stable.”
I nodded, unable to form words of what I felt in my mind, in my heart, in my fucking soul.
Waiting...
For what was still to come.
My feet were glued to the goddamn floor that was cracking beneath me, ready to cave in. I felt Noah’s presence in the archway before he even said a word.
“Creed,” he whispered in an eerie tone. Cautiously walking around me. Dreading the inevitable. His eyes took in the scene in front of him, from all the blood to Mia to Doc, finally settling on me.
I mouthed, “I’m sorry,” needing for him to hear it.
His eyes widened, his mouth dropped, and all the life drained from his body. “No,” he breathed out, violently shaking his head. His lips quivered and his core shuddered as he peered down at his daughter in my arms. “NOOOOO!” he shouted, an ear-piercing scream that resonated deep in my bones. Where it would be eternally etched in my mind. Tears swelled up in his eyes as his chest heaved and his body trembled. “Give her to me!”
He stepped toward me, but I stepped back. Profusely shaking my head no with fresh tears rolling down the sides of my face. “Noah... please...”
“GIVE HER TO ME!” he yelled loud enough to break fucking glass. It echoed around the room, lingering in my ears. He attempted to reach for her again, causing me to take another step back. Trying to salvage what was left of his heart, protecting my baby brother. Knowing holding her would completely destroy him.
It wouldn’t change the outcome. Letting him see her. Feel her.
Fucking love her.
“Noah, we did everythin’ we could. I swear to you. Mia is still hangin’ on by a thread,” I uttered in a voice I didn’t recognize, nodding to her. Already aware of what Noah was thinking.
What he was feeling.
What he blamed me for.
“Fuck you!” he seethed through gritted teeth. Glaring at me. It was the first time I had ever seen him look at me with such hatred in his eyes. He lunged forward, roughly ripping her out of my grasp. Cradling her in his hands, he immediately unwrapped the blanket from her face. “NO! NO! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! DOC, DO SOMETHIN’! PLEASE FUCKIN’ DO SOMETHIN’!” he bellowed, holding onto his daughter for dear life. He fell to his knees, placing her on the floor in front of him. “It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay, daddy’s here... I’m here now... Everythin’ is gonna be fine. I’m gonna make it all better. It’s okay,” he choked on his words, hands shaking over her, not knowing what to do. Desperately wanting to resuscitate her. “Please... Maddie... please... don’t do this to me... please don’t fuckin’ do this to me... I can’t lose you... you’re all I ever wanted... please...”
The back of my arm went to my mouth, feeling as though I was dying right along with him. Forcing myself to not look away.
“Why are you just fuckin’ standin’ there?! Why isn’t anyone doin’ anythin’?! PLEASE! FUCKIN’ HELP ME!” He sucked in air, hyperventilating, his heart visually fucking breaking into pieces. “How could you let this happen?! I shouldn’t have fuckin’ left! She would be alive if I hadn’t fuckin’ left!” Grabbing ahold of her, he took her in his arms, pressing her up against his face. “I’m sorry, Maddie... I’m fuckin’ sorry I failed you... Please... please... baby girl... forgive me... I love you more than anything... I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over again, kissing all over her face, her arms, and her chest.
I made my eyes stay open. I made my body stay in place. I made myself take in every tear that fell from my brother’s face, every word that flew out of his mouth, every last emotion that bled out of his broken soul.
His body hunched over from crying so fucking hard. Losing the battle he never had the chance of winning. All that could be heard was Noah’s sorrowful screams and tears piercing out into the night.
After this day, our lives would be forever changed. There was no coming back from this. Noah and Mia were now going to be living in my nightmare, along with me.
This was my punishment for trying to bring good into my life. Knowing deep in my fucking gut that this wouldn’t have ever happened.
If it wasn’t for me.
We all watched in silence as Noah struggled to hand Maddie over to Doc. Needing to hold onto his daughter for a few more minutes, wanting to hold her for as long as he could. Having a hard time with letting her go. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t say goodbye to his baby girl.
Not now.
Not ever.
He hunched over her tiny body, mourning her death. The life she should have had. The happiness she should have brought into this world.
Not the devastation that occurred.
He cried into the nook of her neck and broke down. Whispering his apologies in her ear before turning his face away, unable to look at her any longer. Doc aided by grabbing ahold of her and gently pulling her out of his tight grasp. Causing Noah to reluctantly let her go from his arms.
“I know, man... I know...” Doc grieved with him, letting Noah hold onto his shoulder for support.
He could barely fucking stand.
Seeing all my darkest secrets. All the pain I inflicted. All the love he still held onto for her.
He pushed off Doc, needing the momentum to keep moving, keep going...
Keep fucking living.
Only stopping when he was standing beside Mia, looking down at her with glazed, broken eyes. A shell of the man he used to be. No longer full of life, no longer full of love, or fucking hope.
No longer full of anything.
He leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead. Letting his lips linger on her skin. “I’m so sorry, Mia,” he whispered, brushing her hair away from her pale face. Staring at her adoringly, trying like hell to hold it together. He kissed her one last time, before pushing off the table. Walking away from what was supposed to be his future.
“Noah!” I called out after him as he made his way for the front door.
He didn’t answer or stop, not that I expected him to. I rushed over, grabbing a hold of his shoulder and turned him to face me. Only to be met with the barrel of his gun, firmly pressed against my chest. Digging right into my heart.
I jerked back, my eyes widening. Never fucking expecting that.
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me walk out of here. I’ve killed men for far fuckin’ less than what you just did in there, Creed,” he gritted out, glaring straight into my eyes.
I was no longer his brother standing in front of him.
His family. His blood.
I was just the man who killed his daughter.
Taking away his whole fucking world.
His finger didn’t move from the trigger as he cocked his gun to the side. “But you ain’t worth the blood. You ain’t worth the fuckin’ effort. Bein’ a part of your life is a guaranteed fuckin’ death sentence.” He adamantly nodded behind me. “Maddie’s death... her blood... it’s on you. You’re the reason she’s dead.”
The sincerity of his words were like taking bullet after bullet, after fucking bullet to my heart.
He backed away, still aiming his gun at my chest. Took one last look at me with disgust and hatred evident in his eyes, turned and left. Slamming the door behind him.
I watched my baby brother leave, knowing he had just turned his back on me.
“Fuck, brother,” Diesel breathed out, walking up beside me and grabbing ahold of my shoulder. I shoved his hand away, not needing his condolences or his fucking pity.
“Where are they?”
He took a deep breath, fully aware of who I was referring to. “I’m sorry, man. They got away.”
I didn’t think twice about it. I spun around grabbing the armchair, chucking it across the room. Watching as the frame shattered against the wall, falling into shards on the hardwood floor. My body couldn’t move fast enough around the open space, pushing over everything that was in my immediate path. Throwing and swinging at anything I could find. G
rowling, fucking seething, needing to hurt something.
Anything.
“GODDAMN IT!” I screamed, throwing one thing after another across the room. Not giving a flying fuck I was destroying the place. “The fuck you mean they got away?! I told you to bring those motherfuckers back here! And you’re gonna stand there and tell me you fuckin’ failed!” I picked up the lamp beside me, ready to heave it at the fucking door.
Diesel stepped out in front of me, blocking my way. “We’ll find them. I fuckin’ promise you. I give you my word that we will fuckin’ find the motherfuckers who did this and make them pay!”
I looked around the room, trying to catch my breath from the rage coursing through my veins. Seeing the rest of the brothers who weren’t put to ground for the first time. All nodding along with Diesel’s words, silently assuring me what he was saying was true. Giving me the only comfort I did want.
Fucking revenge.
“Creed! We need to call an ambulance. Mia is stable, but she needs to get to a hospital,” Doc announced, walking into the living room. Removing another pair of blood-soaked gloves.
“We’re out in the middle of fuckin’ nowhere, you already know that. An ambulance couldn’t even find this place if we painted them a fuckin’ map. Can’t even drive a car through those woods, it’s why we been fuckin’ drivin’ side-by-sides,” I replied, pacing the room, kicking shit out of my way. Raking my hands through my hair, needing one goddamn second to think.
Just one goddamn second.
“We take her! We take her right fuckin’ now!” I tried to sidestep Diesel, but he firmly grabbed my arm before I got the last word out.
“Need to get our story straight. Cops are gonna be swarmin’ when you show up with her at the hospital. Did you fuckin’ forget she’s missin’? I know you gotta protect your girl, but you also gotta protect your club, VP,” Diesel stated, emphasizing the last two letters.
I tore my arm away, looking him dead in the eyes. “You do whatever the fuck you gotta do or say... but you got an hour to get me a fuckin’ cargo van. Need to get Mia to the hospital as comfortably as possible. She’s already been through enough. Have it meet us at the end of the road just out of the woods.” I cocked my head to the side, adding, “And you prolly got less than twenty-four hours to handle this shit and take care of business. Yeah?”
He nodded, pulling out his phone to make the necessary calls to save our asses. Except, I was the only one who didn’t give a fuck about my future anymore. I was already living in Hell. Prison wouldn’t be any different.
All that mattered to me was getting Mia safely to the hospital.
My eyes fluttered open, or maybe they were still closed. Darkness clouded my vision, making it hard to decipher between the two. I tried again, blinking a few times, willing them to focus, but I was so drowsy and tired. My body was so stiff and sore. It felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, sinking into the blankets on the hard surface beneath me.
I groaned, moving my head side-to-side, nestling in my aching body. Pain radiated from the middle of my back, wrapping around my abdomen. Hugging me tight like a vise. I couldn’t comprehend if I was awake or asleep at that point. Feeling as though I was in a moving vehicle.
“It’s okay, baby,” I heard Creed coax from above me. Instantly feeling a warm sensation course through my body. The pain almost immediately subsided into a hazy bliss. The familiar smell of cigarettes and his musky, masculine scent aided in keeping me content.
“Water,” I mumbled, feeling like I hadn’t drank anything in forever. He placed a straw at my lips and I greedily sucked it down. Trying to quench my thirst.
“Easy, babe, gonna make yourself sick.”
I nodded, slowing down my pace. Wondering why the hell I was so thirsty and disoriented. Waiting for Creed to tell me what was going on, but he didn’t say anything. I turned my head away when I had my fill of the water, trying to gather my rambling thoughts and adjust to my surroundings.
The space was darker than I initially thought. My eyes finally adapted to the soft light coming from what looked like a lantern down by my feet, and a few overhead lights the driver must have turned on. My gaze slowly moved around the closed space, realizing I was right. We were in a moving cargo van.
My eyes immediately landed on Creed. His body was hunched over, leaning up against the metal steel with his elbows on his knees, but that wasn’t what caught my attention. It was the fact that he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
Even through the dim lighting, I could see that his cheeks were sunken in and his skin was pale. His hair was all disheveled and messy as if he’d been yanking at it. A few strands had fallen around his gaze, only accentuating the dark, puffy circles under his eyes, which were also bloodshot red. His bright blue irises that I could never get enough of appeared almost translucent and white. They were void of any emotions, empty pools, no feeling pouring out of them whatsoever. His expression was vacant and hard. I’ve never wanted to know what he was thinking, more than I did in that second.
The more I looked at him, the more I realized the man I loved with all my heart was now a blank canvas. A mere illusion of the person I used to know.
My heart started urgently pounding against my chest. An unsettling feeling churned deep within my stomach. There was something in the way he was looking at me that left me breathless, and more confused. I wanted to ask him what happened, but I couldn’t find my voice. Suddenly terrified to know the answer. I wanted to look around, but I couldn’t will myself to look away from him. Our gazes were locked. Neither one of us willing to break the intensity of our stares as my emotions continued to run wild.
He narrowed his eyes, looking at me with a visible yearning. Showing me a glimpse of the man I’ve known and loved.
The same man I knew that loved me back.
The thought alone calmed me.
His eyes searched my face for I don't know what, eyeing me up and down. Fighting an internal battle that was clearly raging war inside of him. Unfolding right in front of me. He was the first to break our connection, unable to look at me any longer. His face dropped to his boots as his hands dug into his hair, tugging at it like I imagined he’d been doing all night. His mood shifted into a cluster of emotions. So contradicting to the man he had just shown me.
He was bracing himself for something I had yet to grasp or understand.
You know how people say your mind could protect itself from anything it thought could hurt them... I never understood that statement until right then and there. For some reason, I instinctively narrowed in on his nails, noticing for the first time there was dried up blood caked under them.
Which was all it took to set the tracks in motion...
“What do you think baby girl? You like the name, Madison?”
Blink.
“This ain’t over.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
Blink.
“I’d like to make a toast to Mia. For puttin’ up with us foul-mouthed bikers, makin’ this kickass fuckin’ meal, and for handlin’ this situation like a fuckin’ pro. Not being a little bitch or a pain in our fuckin’ asses.”
“And here I thought you didn’t know my name.”
Blink.
“Hey, Doc! You forget something?”
Blink.
“Mia, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I’m actually doin’ somethin’ good. It’s been an honor to be part of your journey with Maddie. I can’t wait to help you brin’ her into this world.”
Blink.
“NO! MIA, RUN!”
Blink.
“GET HER OUT OF HERE!”
Blink.
“Stay with me. You fuckin’ stay with me.”
Blink.
“You fight, Mia. You fuckin’ fight for our baby girl and I’m gonna go fight for you.”
Blink.
“Pleeeaassee, saaave herr... saaave... Madd...”
Shouting...
Crying....
&nb
sp; Blood...
Pain...
Pain...
Pain...
Nothing. But. Pain.
My eyes filled with tears, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. “Creed...”
It felt like an eternity before he finally glanced up, looking at me through the slits of his eyes. His stare, his demeanor, his aura all mirrored mine.
My lips parted taking a deep breath. Letting it wheeze out as my hand slowly, intuitively moved from the side of my body, toward the center of my belly. Though my gaze never shifted from his.
I sucked in air, my body seizing completely. “Where is she?” I whispered so low as soon as my hand felt my non-existing stomach.
He didn’t move or say anything. He didn’t even blink.
My heart sped up, beating a mile a minute. I swear he could hear it. There was no way he couldn’t have, it echoed throughout the space between us.
“Is she with Noah? Is my baby girl with her daddy? Is she in the front passenger seat with Noah?”
Silence. Nothing. Not one reaction.
Each second that passed between us, felt like hours had gone by.
“Is she with Doc? Does he have her? Are you taking us to the hospital?” I couldn’t get my questions out fast enough.
Silence.
I began nodding uncontrollably like I was answering my own questions. Biting down on my bottom lip, to the point of pain. “Where is she? She needs her momma! I’m her momma, Creed! She needs me!”
His expression never once wavered from a deep stillness and penetrating stare. Glaring at me as if I was asking questions that didn’t make any sense. His silence was deafening, like an array of tiny razor blades cutting into every last inch of my skin.
I could feel him everywhere and all at once, even though he wasn’t touching me.
“Why are you just sitting there?!” I shouted, becoming angry from his lack of response. “Where is Maddie?! Where is my daughter?!”
He shut his eyes just for a second murmuring, “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Mia.” Bowing his head in shame.
I placed my shaking hand over my heart, trying to steady my breathing. The space was caving in on me. My vision blurred, clouding everything around my vicinity, including him. My lips started to quiver, my chest started to heave. Unleashed tears from my swollen eyes immediately streamed down the sides of my face.
