by M. Robinson
Both because of me.
All I had left was my memory of the girl who used to fucking love me.
I got off my bike, removed my gun and cut and threw them on the seat, not giving a fuck it was raining. I lit up a cigarette, needing to stop my mind from going fucking stir crazy. Maybe that was why I didn’t see it, when I should have known. I should have felt it or expected it. I could have been better prepared. I could have handled things differently.
Now I’ll never fucking know.
I inhaled a long, hard drag from my cig before gazing back up at Mia. Never imagining what I would see. I never thought it would come to this, or maybe I had and just chose to fucking ignore it.
Pretend like it wasn’t there.
My core sank, my chest heaved, and I felt my face suddenly pale. “The fuck?” I whispered to myself, knowing that this would be the moment where I would no longer be able to pretend.
Watching it unfold right in front of me.
Noah come up behind Mia, murmuring something in her ear, causing her body to lay lax against his. Sending my mind spiraling down a road to nowhere that I knew would end here.
“This is from me to you. So you can always remember me. I’ll always remember you. Okay? That’s my courage patch.”
Noah didn’t waver, turning her to face him. Grabbing onto the sides of her face, he started to brush away her tears with his thumbs. Mia softly smiled at him like she used to smile at me, instantly melting into his touch.
Did she remember him but not me?
“How many tattoos do you have?”
“Too many to count.”
She softly smiled. “I can count them. I mean... if you wanted to know how many you had, I could count them for you.”
Noah smiled back at her, holding her pretty face tighter in his grasp. He leaned in and kissed her forehead, causing Mia’s breath to hitch and her lips to part.
Did she always feel this way for him and me?
“I wanted to see you, okay? That’s all. I saw you from the window inside. I haven’t seen you in a really long time, over a year actually. I missed you.”
“Gonna be fuckin’ gorgeous one day, that’s for damn sure. Slayin’ hearts. Boys linin’ up out the door for you. Your old man knows it, too. It’s why he keeps you under lock and key. Doesn’t want to end up behind bars for beatin’ ass. Don’t blame him either. You’ll meet a cocky little shit who’ll promise you the world. You ain’t even gonna remember me.”
Her breathing hitched and her lips parted. “I’ll always remember you.”
Noah pulled away, putting some distance between them. Without giving it a second thought, Mia threw her arms around him as if all she needed was him.
Did she ever need me?
“Can I write you?”
“Write me?”
“You know, with a pen and paper. Like pen pals. I’ll write you. You write me back. So you know you have a friend waiting for you when you come back home.”
“We’ll see, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I stood and she threw her arms around my waist, like she never wanted to let me go.
Mia tucked her head into his chest, and Noah wrapped his arms securely around her, holding her tighter against him. Shielding her face from the rain. He kissed the top of her head like she had been his all along. Picking up her off the ground, making their bodies becoming one.
Did I ever fucking exist for her?
“Wha—” I threw her over my shoulder, walking toward the lake.
“Wait! What are you doing? This isn’t fair! You’re bigger than me! NO! I don’t want to go in there, Creed! I’m wearing a pretty dress! Please!”
“Beggin’ won’t work in this situation, Pippin. Shoulda’ thought of that before you decided you wanted to go to war with a soldier. I don’t lose.”
“I’m sorry! I was just playing! Put me down! Please!”
“Alright, only cuz you asked so nicely.” I threw her into the lake.
They finally pulled away from each other with tears streaming down their faces. Staring intently into each other’s eyes like they’ve always loved each other. Like she was yearning for him to kiss her.
Did she ever really love me?
“All I wanted was for him to kiss me! To experience what every other girl has already done! You took that away from me, you asshole! You had no right! You ruined my fairy-tale ending!”
We stared intently in each other’s eyes before I kissed her, murmuring against my lips, “Gave you your first kiss, now stop fuckin’ bitchin’.”
I leaned forward, placing my hands against my bike, needing the support to hold me up. Bowing my head, about to lose my shit. I shut my eyes trying to reel in my fury, feeling like I just took several goddamn bullets to my fucking heart.
“I love you, Creed. I’ve always loved you.”
I felt a solitary tear slide down my face as I let my mind and body go to the dark place inside of me, where I’d lived all my fucking life. I don’t know how long I stood there with my heart pounding, my ears ringing. Bleeding the fuck out. Not saying a word, not moving a muscle. Frozen in fucking place. Fighting back the compelling need to hit something.
Or more like someone.
Out of nowhere, moving on pure instinct, emotion, and feeling, I looked back up. Locking eyes with Mia from across the lawn as if she felt me, too. Noah’s back was still turned. He no longer owned her undivided attention.
I did.
He turned around, following her stare. Instantly jerking back when he saw me, hunched over on my bike, fucking waiting. Mia didn’t hesitate making her way over to me. Each step more determined than the last. One by one bringing her closer, never once breaking our connection. As much as I wanted to run to her, I couldn’t. Her eyes always showed me the truth. She still didn’t know who I was, but it didn’t mean her heart wouldn’t remember.
I owned it.
It belonged to me.
Proving it with her intense stare, answering all my questions and doubt with each step that brought her in front of me.
“You...” she whispered loud enough for me to hear. “You were in my hospital room. How do you... who are you?”
I resisted the urge to pull her into my arms, tell her I loved her, show her how much she meant to me. How much I meant to her. Yearning to just fucking hold her, feel her, fucking love her.
So I simply spoke the truth, “Whoever you want me to be, Pippin, as long as you remember the man.”
Her eyes glazed over, it was quick but I saw it. I was still inside her, still a part of her. Mia’s mind may not remember me, but her soul did. Deep down she knew who I was, and right then and there I vowed to fucking figure out how to make her come back to me. There was no living without Mia, there never had been for me.
She licked her lips, sucking in her bottom one like she always did when she was thinking about something really hard. “Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Mia.”
“Cuz once upon a time, a pigtail wearin’ spitfire reminded me of Pippy Longstockin’. Persistent as fuck, but cute as hell.”
She tried to hide back a smile, narrowing her eyes at me. “I did that?”
I nodded, wanting to tell her everything, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her or worse... scare her away.
“I met ya at the beach when you were just a baby girl. You were always up to no good, even back then. Followin’ me around when you knew better not to. Wantin’ to be my friend.”
“Oh... did we become friends then? Is that how I know you?”
“We became way more than that.”
“What do you me—”
“I warned you to stay away from my daughter!” her dad roared, interrupting us. Much to my disapproval.
“Lucas, enough! Please! Enough!” her mom ordered, standing out in front of him. Trying to keep him in place on the sidewalk a few feet away from us.
“What’s going on?” Mia asked, frantically shaking her head, looking from me to her pare
nts. “This cannot be happening again! Do you not like any of my friends?”
“Lucas! Just let them be! Maybe it would help bring our daughter’s memory back! Please! I am begging you to back off.”
“Lucas, she’s right!” her Aunt Lily shouted, stepping out in front of them. “God, you can’t control this anymore! Mia has no idea who she is! Creed and Noah were a big part of her life before, whether you accept it or not! We all want Mia back, and at this point who cares?! He saved her life! He’s the reason—”
“You saved me?” Mia interjected, frowning her face, looking deep into my eyes. Desperately searching for an answer.
I refused to lie to her, so I merely stated, “Somethin’ like that.”
“Can you please tell me what’s going on? I want the truth! Who are you? What are we to each other?”
I was about to open my mouth to tell her everything I needed her to hear. Needed her to know, but I didn’t get the chance.
We were no longer alone.
“You want to know the truth, Mia? I’ll tell you the fuckin’ truth!” Noah called out, coming out of nowhere, bringing everyone’s attention over to him as he stepped in between Mia and me.
“Noah...” I warned, cocking my head to the side.
He callously smiled, grinning, “What, Creed? What are you gonna do? Huh? What can you possibly do that you haven’t already fucked up! You see, Mia, I used to love him, too. What’s not to love, right? My big, protective brother always there for me no matter what.”
“I still am.”
“Bullshit! The only thing people need protection from is you! All you do is fuck everythin’ up, takin’ lives that don’t even fuckin’ belong to you! Everythin' you touch is tainted, includin’ Mia!”
“Don’t do this... ain’t the time or the place,” I gritted out, shaking my head. Working my hands into fists.
He stepped back, throwing his arms out at his sides. “Come at me, bro! I don’t give a fuck about what you think! They need to know! She needs to know! What kind of man and brother... you really are.”
“Everythin’ I’ve ever done has been for you, you little shit. I’d fuckin’ sacrifice my life to save your sorry ass. Jealousy don’t suit ya, baby brother! She was never yours! Now walk the fuck away!”
“You think this is about Mia? Oh... Creed, you think you fuckin’ know me so well! This ain’t got shit to do with her! This is about you and me! Been waitin’ for this for a long fuckin’ time!”
Her uncles walked up, hearing all the commotion. Standing next to her parents’. Their eyes all glued to the scene unfolding in front of them. No one said a word, not even Mia. She stepped aside, away from us, watching with a fascinated regard. Waiting for all her questions to be answered, but I never wanted it to happen like this.
Never like fucking this.
“Noah, then you take it up with me! Alone! Not here! You handle your business with me, man to fuckin’ man! Yeah?”
“Why? You scared of the truth? It don’t matter, her family already fuckin’ hates you! And your girl... she don’t even know who you are! And thank Christ for that! You’re nothin’ but a selfish prick! Always have been!”
“Ain’t gonna tell you again, Noah...”
He laughed off my threat. “Was it for me when you went and played G.I. Fuckin’ Joe or for Autumn? The same girl that died cuz of you... pushed her away like you did with Mia. Except, it actually cost Autumn her life!”
Mia gasped beside me, placing her hand over her heart.
“Mia, it’s not—”
“Why don’t you go introduce them, Creed?! Her memorial is only about hundred fuckin’ feet from our daughter’s!”
I was over to him in one stride, getting right up into his face. “You don’t know shit about shit, motherfucker.”
He didn’t cower down, if anything he stood taller. “I know about the drunk ass mother you left me with and the piece of shit father who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants! For what?! So you could play the hero for once in your fuckin’ life! Give me a break... Autumn would have never been there had it not been for you... you didn’t join the military for her! You did it to clear your own fuckin’ conscience! How’d it work out for you? Huh? Feel better? Did pretendin’ like you weren’t the cause of everyone’s demise do it for you?!” he scoffed out, eyeing me up and down with a menacing glare.
“Wanna know what was really fun? All the times I had to help get Ma to bed after she passed out in her own fuckin’ puke! Pops didn’t give a flyin’ fuck about her! It only left me! How about all the times I thought she drank herself to death cuz she wouldn’t fuckin’ move! Havin’ to make her puke so she wouldn’t die of alcohol poison! What other times do you want me to tell you about, Creed? I got hundreds of them just like those. I’m sure these nice folks would love to hear about the scum their daughter’s been fuckin’. Let’s show them the real man behind the cut. The fuckin’ murderer!”
“That’s enough!” I ordered through a clenched jaw.
“What? Truth fuckin hurts, don’t it, brother? But I’m just gettin’ started. Hey, McGraw, you hearin’ all this?!” he hollered, nodding behind him.
I stepped back, away from him and took a deep breath. Remembering we weren’t alone.
“Where you goin’? Turnin’ your back on your brother again? On your fuckin’ family?” He shoved me, but I didn’t waver. “It’s too late for that, you son of a bitch! We ain’t brothers anymore!” He pushed me again, harder that time. “Our blood died the day you murdered my daughter, you piece of shit! But it should have died the day you murdered our brother!”
My fist collided with his face before he got the last word out. His head whooshed back, taking half of his body with him.
Mia gasped, backing further away from both of us. I didn’t know if it was because of everything he just confessed or she was just trying to get out of the line of fire. Knowing it wasn’t going to end here. Her dad ran over to her before I could give it more thought. Grabbing her arm, he pulled her away.
“Fuck,” I breathed out, seeing Noah stumbling around, shaking it off.
It was the first time I ever hit my brother. It was a kneejerk reaction from him provoking me. He wanted me to hit him, and I would learn soon enough why.
Spitting blood onto the pavement, he growled, “It’s on, motherfucker.” Charging me, ramming his shoulder into my torso. Taking me to the ground. My back skidded across the wet assault beneath me, but I was prepared for it and instantly fought back. Ignoring the sting and burn.
“Don’t wanna fight you, you fuck! Calm down!”
He straddled me, grabbing ahold of the front of my shirt, clocking me in the face. “I’ll calm down after I knock you the fuck out!”
We wrestled around for a few minutes, each of us trying to gain the upper hand on the other. Elbows, fists, and legs flew everywhere, intermingling together as we threw down. I heard the women screaming and yelling for their husbands to do something, but none of the boys would interfere. Not that I expected them to. They were probably hoping we’d just take each other out. Save them from getting their hands dirty, wanting to do it themselves.
Noah whaled me in the face, letting out all the years of pent-up anger and resentment toward me, but I knew he was really just hitting me for his daughter. Which was why I wasn’t fighting back as hard as I could have, mostly defending myself from his aggravated assault. I got on top of him, getting a few hits to his face.
He punched me in the gut right where I had been shot one too many fucking times, causing me to fall to the side. Using the momentum of his punch, he flipped me over, locking me in with his weight. I immediately guarded my face, but it didn’t matter. He nailed his fists into my ribs, my stomach, getting another few good hits to the side of my face, too.
“Fucking a!” I roared, blocking another blow.
He didn’t let up, tugging at my shirt, ripping it off. “Fuck you! Fight back, you bitch!”
I finally did, hitting him in the face,
in the stomach, and then again in ribs. Over this bullshit. He peeled over while I staggered to my feet, thinking it was done. We were both panting heavily, sweating profusely with nothing but blood and rain dripping off our bodies and faces. Our eyes never wavered from one another, wild and brazen, taking each other in. He regained his composure, standing up straight. Loosening his tie and pulling his tucked shirt out from his pants, bringing it up to his face. Using it to wipe the blood running into his eye from the open gash above his brow. His chest heaved as he threw off his tie, ripping open his bloody collared shirt. Throwing it to the side, too.
It was then I realized it wasn’t over.
It was far from fucking over.
He pushed off the ground and came at me full force. Swinging, punching, kicking, hitting me all over. I fought back, throwing him onto the wet pavement with a thud, knocking the wind out of him. Hovering above him, beating his body and face in. Seeing nothing but fucking red as my bloody fists pounded in to him over and over again.
“This what you wanted, you little shit?!” I roared, hitting him again.
“Jesus! Please, Dad! Uncle Dylan! Uncle Jacob! Uncle Austin! Please! Somebody do something! They’re going to kill each other! Please!” I heard Mia beg in a terrified voice.
I immediately stopped mid-punch, pushed off Noah, barely being able to stagger back up to my feet. My body swayed, my head throbbed. Pain radiated everywhere. Noah wasn’t any better. Groaning into the ground, spitting up more blood, holding onto his side. I continued to forcefully pant, trying to get my heart from pounding out of my chest. Hastily wiping the blood from my face with the back of my hand. Blinking through the mist and haze before I threw my hand down to help him up. He looked at it, contemplating my offer. Deciding at the last second to grab ahold of it and pull me into his awaiting fist. Catching me off guard, he got a few more hits into my face and torso.
