by Danni Roan
“Never mind about that.” Benjamin said seeing her embarrassment. “I picked her up at the train station just like anyone would with a lovely new mail- order- bride.” He added with a wink.
The meal was wonderful but the noise was enough to leave anyone feeling disoriented. Normally reserved in large crowds, Cathleen was actually managing quite well until suddenly the woman the girls called Nona stepped out from the kitchen carrying an enormous cake a smile on her face. Nona, still beaming placed the cake in front of Benji and Cathleen with a flourish.
“We all want to make you feel welcome here at the Broken J.” She said brightly “I hope you like ginger bread. I just didn’t have time to do more.”
Cathleen’s soft white skin began to flush again as she gazed around at the group of people who had all so warmly welcomed her. The rosy blush deepened creeping up her neck and all the way to the roots of her dark brown hair. It was all too much. She burst into tears, then scrabbled over the bench and raced away.
Benji, his eye brows almost to his hair line gazed around him in confusion, then shaking his head rose and followed after his wife, while a shocked and confused Nona stared bewilderedly about.
Behind her Cathleen could hear Bianca Leone’s dazed words and she ran harder.
“Did I say something wrong?” the woman asked quietly. No one laughed at the obvious chagrin on the older woman’s face.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Bianca.” Joshua offered kindly. “You know how overpowering we can all be at the beginning. You just leave her and Benji to get acquainted and I’m sure everything will be fine.”
Throwing herself down on the bright quilts of the big bed Cathleen gave in to all of the emotions waring with in her. The devastation of rejection, the shame of needing someone to help her, the sorrow that she would never have a man’s love. It all crashed over her in waves, mingled with exhaustion.
Behind her the door creaked open but she did not lift her head. She couldn’t bear to see the pity in Benjamin’s eyes.
“Cathleen?” His voice was soft, caring. She felt the bed dip as it took his weight then a big warm hand gently began patting her back and for a moment she felt like laughing hysterically as the bear of a man patter her like one would comfort a child.
They sat there like that for a long time as the shadows grew filling the little house with a gray haze. “You won’t be staying here forever you know.” The gray haired man said awkwardly.
Cathleen’s pulse quickened as panic threatened to sweep her away. Was he going to take her back to Casper? Had he decided he couldn’t bear to be with her even out of pity? She trembled with the thought.
“I have a cabin not far from here and once things are settled around the ranch we’ll go there for the winter.”
She gasped, suddenly able to breathe again and struggled to sit up.
Benjamin wrapped his arm around the beautiful woman next to him, his heart heavy with sorrow at her distress. Leaning toward him she lay her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry if you’re not happy.” He whispered.
“It’s not you Benjamin.” She said, her voice soft in the growing darkness. “I just don’t want to be a burden to you.” She took a deep breath but continued. “I know you only married me out of a sense of pity and it makes me feel like all of this is one big lie.” She hung her head in shame.
“Pity!” Benji replied in shock. “You think I married you out of pity?”
She nodded, her head rubbing slightly against the rough fabric of his shirt, as fresh tears began to spill down her face.
Gently the big man turned her toward him then placing a callused finger under her chin he lifted her tear stained face toward him. “I did not marry you out of pity. When I saw you standing there on that train platform all I could think of was that God must have misplaced one of his angels.” He smiled at her willing her to understand.
A sad smile crossed Cathleen’s face. “Thank you.” she said gazing at him, her dark doe like eyes bright from crying. “You’ve been so kind. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you tonight.”
“You didn’t embarrass me at all.” He chided. “And don’t you worry any about the others either, they know you’re plumb wore out from all this traveling. You’ll see, soon you’ll be just as happy as can be here.”
Gently he lowered his head and kissed her. It was a chased kiss, but warm and full of understanding and even though she still knew he didn’t really want her it made her feel a little better. At least they could be comfortable together if never intimate: It helped.
A gentle knock on the door drew their attention. Cathleen dashed the tears from her face with the back of her hand. “Come in.” she called her voice strong even after crying, as she stood from the bed.
Mae peeked her head in around the door. “Nona said to tell you that the girls are all done with the bath if you’d like to wash.” She called into the dark interior of the soddy. “I’ll show you if you want to come along.”
“Thank you Mae.” Cathleen called from the darkness. “Just give me a minute to get my things together and I’ll be right along.” Quickly she gathered her night gown and wrap as well as clean underthings then turned toward the door.
“Wait.” Benji called rummaging in the trunk at the foot of the bed before stepping up to her and placing a small package into her hand, kissed her on the head before letting her go.
The small log building that Mae led her to was warm and damp and smelled of soap. Entering she was shocked to find not one but three large copper tubs spaced across the heavy plank floor. Next to the outer wall near a small door stood another small pot-bellied stove like the one in her new little house; two large buckets of water sat steaming on its top and near the door a hand pump stuck up through the floor in a bed of stones that let water drain away. Cathleen gasped.
“Everyone says it’s pretty special.” Mae said with an innocent smile. “I don’t know why but that’s what they say.”
“Thank you Mae. This is wonderful and thank you for being kind to me.” She hugged the spritely girl close for a moment.
The petite girl titled her head making her sheet of black hair fall over her shoulder. “I like you.” She stated matter-of-factly, then turned and walked out the door closing it with a snap.
Cathleen quickly stripped her clothes and in only her knickers and chamisal carried the buckets of hot water from the stove, pouring their contents into the nearest tub, then filling the bucket from the pump added more until the water was hip high but still steaming. Carefully she re-filled the buckets and placed them on the glowing stove.
With a deep sigh she stripped off the rest of her things and stepped into the warm water. She’d just put one foot in when she remembered the small package that Benjamin had handed her and with a groan she stepped back over to where her clothes hung and pulled it out of her apron pocket. A small rectangular package wrapped in brown paper appeared in her hand and carefully she unwrapped it to discover a bar of the same soap she’d used at the tiny inn at Casper. A tear pricked at her eyes at the man’s thoughtfulness.
This time she climbed into the tub with determination letting the warm water lap over her hips and legs all the way up to her chest, before sliding down until it nearly reached her chin.
She stayed that way for a long time. She couldn’t remember ever being able to actually fit so comfortably in a tub. Sitting up again she reached for the bar of sweet smelling soap and a brush and began to scrub away the days of trail dust and travel.
Chapter 6
Feeling refreshed and somewhat more relaxed Cathleen made her way back to the soddy through the warm quiet night. Above bright stars twinkled from a velvet sky. She’d missed the quiet of a country life since leaving the farm. The last couple of weeks in Ohio she’d stayed with Mrs. Schneider the woman who ran the mail order bride agency and her house had been in the busy town.
Mrs. Schneider was a kind, if noisy widow who not only ran the agency but had a small boarding house where single woma
n could stay. She’d been thrilled with preparing Cathleen for her trip West insisting she take the beautiful purple gown as a wedding present. Cathleen smiled thinking of the woman in her mind she could still hear her voice.
“Oh you absolutely must take this dress.” She’d said her face stern. “It suits you down to a T with your pale skin and dark hair you'll be stunning. It belonged to my aunt you know, God rest her soul.” She tapped her chin looking at the purple confection suspended on a hanger. “It's a little out of style now but no one will care. I always thought I’d get around to cutting it down but now I’m glad I didn’t. Go on try it on.” she fluttered here hands impatiently.
I had been the prettiest thing Cathleen had ever put on and it had fit her perfectly. Still no matter how long she wore the dress she always felt like a fraud. It was far too fine for a dairy maid and seeing it, everyone assumed she was a fine lady. “Oh, don’t you look beautiful.” Geneva Schneider had gushed. “I’m sure you groom will be so thrilled he'll whisk you straight to the preacher.”
“The silly cow.” Cathleen muttered, not unkindly, as she reached for the latch on the door of her new home. “She did mean well though.” she sighed wistfully.
Stepping over the threshold Cathleen was engulfed in the soft glow of an oil lamp burning brightly on the tiny table. Benjamin smiled and rose from a chair near the stove his bright eyes glowing.
In one step he stood before her gazing down into her dark eyes and before she could register what was happening he was kissing her. Stunned by his kiss she stood there dumbfounded.
He pulled back his hand sliding away from the back of her neck where it had tangled in her still damp hair. He looked at her a question in his eyes. “If you’re too tired…” he began making her eyes grow wide.
Cathleen felt muddled. What was he saying. Was this big kindly man saying he wanted her to share his bed; as a wife? She blinked a moment not sure what to do or say then sighed as he turned away.
“I guess we’d better turn in.” Benjamin’s whole frame seemed to sag as he turned away from her.
On impulse Cathleen reached out, grabbing his sleeve. “I don’t understand.” She whispered feeling heat rise up her neck to her cheeks.
The old cowhand turned toward her shock on his face. “What do you mean you don’t understand?” His dark blue eyes ran the length of her where she stood in a soft cotton night gown, a deep maroon warp hanging loosely around her shoulders.
Cathleen felt her whole face glowing with embarrassment, she must match the color of her wrap by now and bright tears pricked her eyes. “I don’t understand what you want.” She confessed.
Taking her hand in his Benjamin Smith led her to the bed where he sat beside her. His big callused hand was warm and strong and gave her courage.
“I’m saying…” he swallowed, “I want you to come to bed.”
“But why?” she asked, not finding the right words and knowing she was making a mess of things.
Releasing her hand, he scratched his head, did this woman know nothing about what happened between a man and his wife. He opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him with a soft hand on his arm. He turned his head toward her waiting and noticed the bright color rising from just below the neck of her nightgown all the way to her hair line.
“I know what.” She said, a shy smile on her lips. “I don’t understand why.” She fidgeted beside him. “Especially since you only married me out of pity.”
If Benji’s eyes had bulged any further they would have popped right out of his head. He stared down at the pretty woman next to him where she sat, head hanging, hidden behind a sheet of dark hair traced with white.
Carefully he placed his hand on her check and gently pushed the curtain of hair away from her face securing it behind her ear. Then slipping to the floor before here on his knees he placed a large hand on either side of her face forcing her to look at him. Even now with so much on his mind he noticed how soft her white skin was in contrast to his work brown hands. The sensation warmed him.
“I didn’t marry you out of pity.” He began. “I took one look at you standing there on that train platform and my heart jumped right out of my chest making me race it up the stairs.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb relishing the feel of her silky, milk white skin.
Despite the fact that he had a hand on either side of her face she shook her head in disbelief.
“Cathleen.” Benjamin said firmly, “I’ve been trying my best to give you time to adjust, but I want you in the worst kind of way. You’re driving me crazy woman.” He smiled to take the heat out of his words but the heat coursing through his veins couldn’t be so easily subdued.
She smiled at him sadly and he knew she didn’t believe him. Still he kissed her. His hands swept the hair off of her shoulders, letting its cool strands run through his fingers like a cascade. She didn’t resist his kiss, so he deepened it until her hands came up around his neck.
Cathleen liked the feel of her husband’s lips on hers. They were warm and surprisingly soft. A small shiver ran down her body as his kisses increased. She was no young miss without knowledge of what went on between a man and a woman but she’d never experienced it before either and she was curious, she suddenly realized she wanted this.
Benjamin’s kisses changed and became more demanding as he devoured her mouth brushing her lips with his tongue and sending a new wave of feeling deep to her core. She parted her lips for him and as his tongue stroked the roof of her mouth she wriggled closer only to have him push her back onto the bed before following her there.
The next morning feeling surprisingly rested considering she’d been awake for long hours the night before Cathleen rose with a smile on her lips. She was happy that her husband seemed to be pleased with her and that he at least found her attractive enough to desire her physically. She blushed thinking about what they’d done, she even felt shy returning to the ranch house for breakfast and yet somehow she felt more confident as well.
“Good mornin’ darling.” Benji said rising and pulling on the clothes he had discarded the night before and giving her a kiss on the cheek. She blushed prettily and shooed him away.
“What will we do today?” she finally asked taking his arm and heading to the house. She felt strange after making a spectacle of herself the night before, but hoped that everyone would chalk it up to exhaustion. She felt safe on Benjamin's arm, almost believing that everything would be alright.
“I’ll be organizing the crew into groups for hayin’ or bringin’ cows down into the lower pastures, but I’ll stay close ta’ home.” He offered her a reassuring smile. "I'd rather be with you all day." he waggled his eyebrows making her giggle and blush.
Breakfast was the usual noisy hustle and bustle but at least this morning she felt up to dealing with it. The men discussed the work for the day and the girls were all given jobs and chores to do.She wondered if she should offer to help with the dishes.She still felt conspicuous in the new home.
Feeling more an outsider than ever before in her life Cathleen lifted her plate from the table and began to stack the dishes. With Benjamin gone off with the other men she felt conspicuous and in the way. The women of the Broken J bustled about in a rhythm established over years of practice making her a counter point. Each of the lovely girls, even Mae collected dishes scraping the left overs into a slop bucket then placing them in the big sink, donning aprons and beginning the routine of the day. She noted that Katie had gone along with the men while the other girls fell to daily tasks. Cathleen felt at loose ends, what was she supposed to do all day?
“Thank you.” Bianca Leone’ chirped brightly taking the stack of dishes from Cathleen. “I’m sure you’re still tired from your long journey. Why don’t you go back to the soddy and have a rest?” She smiled brightly but the words left Cathleen feeling as if she had been dismissed. Once again she was unneeded.
Returning to the little earthen shack she looked around the place trying to think of what she could do. S
he'd cleaned yesterday and since she hadn't cooked there was nothing to tidy. Her eyes fell on the big wooden trunk where yesterday she’d stored her clothing and personal items. She smiled brightly realizing she would have time to sew.
As the morning wore on a bright sun warmed the outside of the little hut but the inside temperatures remained comfortable. Cathleen sat in the big bed, the skirt of her bright red skirt furled out around her feet as she utilized the light of the little window to make neat stitches along the bodice of the new dress she had cut out on the table earlier. The bight lilac calico was beautiful and indulged her love for purple.
Dropping her hands into her lap with a sigh she thought of the kind man she had married, who’d insisted on purchasing fabric and other item she’d needed before leaving Casper. He really did seem to be a good man and at least he actually found her desirable. She blushed feeling her body warm at the thought. She would do her best to be content with that, it was more than she had hoped for. She wasn’t a young girl with stars in her eyes any more. She would count her blessings. Still it would be a wonderful thing to actually be loved. Picking up her sewing again she pushed her dark thoughts away, concentrating on her work.
Later, as the sun passed its zenith, the door to the soddy flew open and Benjamin stepped in a worried expression on his face as he froze just inside the threshold. As the door had swung wide on its hinges banging the wall with a heavy clunk a buzzing rattle permeated the room, raising the small hairs on the back of Cathleen's neck.
The longtime foreman of the Broken J stood perfectly still, his eyes going wide as a large rattle snake lifted its wedge shaped head from its coiled body, shaking the rattle on its tail menacingly.
From the corner of his eye he saw Cathleen climb quietly off the bed her eyes locked on his and desperately he wanted to scream at her to stay back. His heart raced in his throat as the viper’s tongue darted in and out of its mouth trying to pin point his location, pulling its head back in preparation to strike.
