Elora’s eyes widened when she saw his shadow recede. “Did you…?”
“Yeah, I knew he was there.” I nodded casually.
Her little laugh reminded me of when she was younger then—maybe sixteen—which left me breathless for a moment as I recalled a vivid memory.
“You are having way too much fun messing with him,” she said.
I forced a grin, trying to watch the images in my mind without letting her know I could see them. It wasn’t like I could see everything from that day, just her face, her smile. Her blonde hair shining as she sat at a dining table in another house, texting someone. “We’ll call it revenge,” I said, barely in this room with her right now but trying to appear present. “For all the dates of mine that he secretly scared off.”
She laughed loudly.
“I was starting to get a complex, thinking I couldn’t do anything right!” I added, making light of things to bring myself back down to earth.
“He felt bad,” Elora insisted.
“No he didn’t,” I assured her. “He enjoyed every second of it.”
“Yeah.” She chuckled. “He probably did.”
“I get it, though,” I added. “It must have been hard for him to see me dating—since we’re technically married.”
“It was.” Her face said it all—explained to me in one look how hurt and devastated her father had been. “But he’s persistent.”
“And vindictive,” I said, with a hint of worry, but it washed away as I thought about David at school. “And sweet.”
I could see thoughts move across her face then. Her hands gathered in front of her and she smiled, hope filling out her eyes. “So when are you going to tell him how you really feel?”
I put my finger to my lips, motioning to the man standing right outside the door, forgetting about his shadow.
“And by that, I mean,” Elora fumbled, trying to cover up her mistake, “when are you telling him you’re going to date other people?”
My mouth dropped and an evil smile moved across my face. Too bad if David and I weren’t back together. That would have killed him to hear, but I knew he’d just be laughing right now, imagining the look on Elora’s face when we told her we were back together all along.
Elora and I laughed then as the shadow receded, but it was for different reasons; mine being more to do with the request David left in my thoughts as he moved away.
“You can’t say things like that, Elora.” I slapped her hip playfully. “He’s sensitive when it comes to me.”
“So go after him,” she challenged, clearly hoping I would. “Tell him the truth.”
“I can’t,” I lied, planning out how I’d deliver David’s request.
“Why?”
“I… I’m nervous.”
“Nervous about what?” Elora scoffed. “That he’ll reject you?”
“No.” I tried to look timid, but I think I just looked guilty. “If you must know, I’m nervous about what will come after I tell him how I feel.”
“And what will come after that?”
Even though we’d had sex twice now, thinking about it made me blush.
“Oh.” The air thinned with a layer of awkwardness—exactly what David had been going for. “Sex?” she said.
I only nodded to answer, pretending to be all nervous about this when, in truth, it was really hard not to laugh at the look on her face. I wished David was in here to see his genius scheme in action.
“So why are you nervous about that?” She folded her arms and leaned on the dresser, the awkwardness slipping back for curiosity.
“Because… I’m a virgin.” I perfected the nervous lamb act in that moment. “I don’t know how to… all the other kids at school have been educated about this stuff since they were eight. But… Brett hasn’t really talked to me about that yet. I know… where it goes”—I brought my shoulder up to my chin, casting my eyes away so she wouldn’t see the lie behind them—“but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Elora’s eyes went wide as the humiliation coated her like a bucket of iced water. “Tell him,” she said.
“Tell him what?”
“Tell him you’re nervous because you’re technically a virgin again.”
“And how will that help?” I said shyly. “He’ll laugh at me.”
Elora’s brow arched in that sassy way it would when she was younger. “Do you really think he’ll laugh at you?”
“Initially, yes.” I knew he would. He had.
“Okay.” She laughed too, knowing her father surprisingly well. “He probably will, but it would be an affectionate laugh. You know he thinks it’s adorable when you don’t know things.”
Yes. He liked the sweet, naive me as much as he hated her. He wanted me to be his timid wife, kept under his wing, but not if we were to have a child. Well, he couldn’t have it both ways!
“And then he’ll probably take you in his arms and kiss you,” Elora continued, “and tell you how much he loves you, and then he’ll guide you through the whole process.”
But he hadn’t guided me through it. The two times we’d had sex, it had been quick and rough. I was starting to wonder if he could make love to me gently, sweetly.
“It’ll be okay, Mom.” Her hand cupped mine. “Just roll with it. He loves you, and no matter what you know or don’t know, nothing is going to change that.”
She was getting too close to the truth. Another minute talking like this and the beans would spill, ruining my wedding present to her. “No, Elora,” I lied, “he loves the Ara from the past. But I don’t think I’m anything like her.”
“You’re not,” she admitted openly, surprising me because I kind of thought I was like the old me. “Not really. But can’t you see?” Her eyes scanned the hall. “He is in love with you. Not her. He had to accept that she was dead. He had to accept that you were different now. And he fell in love with you all over again—for who you are now.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. If she could see that so clearly, how was it not obvious to her that David and I were back together? “You think?”
“Yes!”
She sounded so convinced that I actually believed it too, even though he’d given me cause to question it today, and it made me feel so much better about this rift that I had to smile.
“So that’s it?” she said. “That’s why you haven’t let yourself get close to him?”
“A little,” I said, because it was true—in the beginning.
“Well, stop being stupid.” She backhanded my shoulder. “He loves everything about you, and if you don’t believe me, just ask him if he likes you still—for who you are now. And see what he says.”
But I knew what he’d say. When it came down to it, no matter what was in front of us or behind us, I knew what he’d say. I knew it had been on his lips when we were downstairs earlier; I saw it in his thoughts but disregarded it because I wasn’t sure if I had seen it or wished it. And then Mike came in.
“I think I know what he’ll say.” I spoke without meaning to.
“And what’s that?” she asked.
I grinned, realizing I actually had nothing to worry about. “Marry me.”
Elora grinned back, happier now than I’d seen her since we first met.
* * *
“David!” I ran down the stairs and caught up to him out the front. He didn’t wait for me though, just kept walking. “Where are you going?”
“Just getting Harry. It’s almost time to go.”
“Where is he?” I followed, keeping to his pace.
“He likes to sit in the trees across the road when the house is full of people.” He tapped his head. “Gives him some quiet time.”
“Okay, but… before you do, can we talk?” I grabbed his arm to stop him.
“Sure, what’s up?” He stopped and actually looked at me, his warm green eyes soft, loving.
“I’m not a child,” I stated, keeping my voice as neutral as possible. “I just wanted you to know
that… the fluffy pillows on my bed and the butterflies on my wall, that’s not me anymore—”
“Ara…” He sighed.
“No, please let me finish,” I insisted. “I know you’re worried because you don’t think I can handle a baby, but you’re wrong. And if you just step back for a moment and look at me—who I am, who I have always been—you’ll see that I can handle anything life throws at me.”
The whites of his eyes showed a little more as they widened in response to the obvious surprise running through him. He smiled then and shook his head. “There’s that Ara I know and love.”
“She never went anywhere, David.” I clasped the sides of his face, standing on my toes to do so, even in heels. “I am strong enough for this, I promise you.”
He laid his hand over mine, kissing it before gently taking it down. “I know.”
“Do you?” I challenged, because he didn’t sound so sure.
He swallowed hard, gaze drifting to my belly for only a split second before he looked away. “You didn’t believe me in the kitchen earlier, but it was never about your ability to handle a baby, sweetheart. I have issues of my own right now.”
“Which are?”
He turned his head and searched the trees, stopping when he found our son’s leg dangling down from a branch, leaves hanging off his little tuxedo. “Later, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, my heart sinking as he kissed my cheek absently and walked away.
“Ara?” Emily called from the porch. “Can you run home to Falcon’s and help him find the rings? Quaid can’t remember where he put them, and I think they’re both looking with man-eyes.”
I rolled mine. “Sure,” I called back. “I’ll head right over.”
* * *
I pushed the front door open and called out, but no one answered. “Guys?”
“Up here,” Brett called.
“Did you have any luck yet?” I climbed the stairs, my feet making an awful racket in these heels.
“Yep,” he yelled over the flushing toilet, “Quaid’s already gone. Sorry to waste your time.”
“It’s okay.” I leaned on his doorway, watching him wash his hands through the open bathroom door. “I’ll wait for you and we’ll head over to the ceremony together.”
“Great.” He lifted his pants properly and buckled up the belt, checking himself over in the mirror. And I had to smile. He was a gorgeous man. I did wonder from time to time why he never married, or had a girlfriend, and I always just figured I was too much work for him to have any kind of a life, but he never really even showed an interest in anyone.
His smiling eye shrunk a little more when he caught me looking at him in the mirror.
“What?” he said.
“You look cute in a tux.” The firmness of his chest was obvious in the white shirt, and the shoulder pads on the jacket made his frame look larger. His sandy hair hadn’t been cut for a while, so it was longer than usual, falling against his brow and covering his ears a little. I liked it. It was a relaxed look, and he looked like he needed to relax a bit lately.
I finished my full-length-appreciation-scan at his caramel eyes, frowning when I caught the look in them. “What?” I said.
He grabbed his wallet from the countertop and stuffed it in his pocket. “Do you love him?”
“Who?”
“David.”
As he stopped only an inch away from me, I felt small with my back to the wall beside his door, but not in a bad way. I guess it was in a sheltered, safe kind of way. Like I could tell him anything and he would never judge me. “Yes. But…”
“But?”
“He still scares me sometimes.”
“In what way?”
I shrugged timidly, because I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t put my finger on the emotion—only enough to call it fear—but it felt like, at any moment, David would turn around and find a reason not to love me. Which, as I thought that, I realized it was normal to feel that way. It was the same fear every person in love had, but not a reason to fear him, per se.
Brett’s large warm hand rested over my ear and jaw, throwing me off a little as he ran his thumb down my cheekbone. “God, I would do anything for you, Ara. Even allow you to be with someone I don’t think is right for you.”
“What?” I touched his hand, but he wouldn’t move it away when I pushed it. “Why would you say that?”
“You deserve so much better—”
“I deserve someone that loves me, Brett, and—”
“Yes, you do, but what kind of love is his?” He removed his hand then, turning away. “You don’t seem happy to me, Ara.”
“I’m… I am,” I promised. “I’m just really confused and—”
“But it shouldn’t be that way.” He sat down on his bed. “You should be glowing, radiant with the love you feel. But you’re timid and jittery, like you’re waiting for someone to strike you.”
That hit close to home. It wasn’t the case, but I knew the abuse I’d suffered at David’s hands was a contributing factor to my generally meek demeanor. Eggshells, they say.
I sat down beside Brett, taking in the way his big hand rested lazily on his thigh, his posture giving me so much information about him right now. He seemed defeated by something, or maybe just really tired, but I wasn’t sure why.
“I know you see me as more of a brother, maybe even a father figure, but…” He turned his head and met my eyes. “Has there ever been a time that you might’ve considered me more?”
I smiled. “Yeah. I’ve often wondered if we were lovers in the past—even pictured it just to see. Why?”
“How do you think I would treat you?” he said, leaving the rest to speak for itself. He was right. He would never treat me as David had. So why was I so hell-bent on staying with that man? “I could protect you,” he added, firmly squeezing my wrist. “If you wanted to leave him, I could keep you and the kids safe—”
“Why would you need to do that?” I laughed. “I don’t have any plans to leave him, and even if I did, he’s no danger to me.”
He sighed, hanging his head. “I know that, I guess. I just…”
“Just?”
“Is it too late to throw my heart on the table?” His eyes glassed over as he looked at mine. “I love you, Ara. I always have, and I can’t breathe sometimes for how much it hurts.”
Whoa! The shock of his sudden confession made the room spin. I didn’t know what to say, and the only thing my body wanted to do was cry. He put his arm around me as I burst into tears, shushing me gently the way he had so many times in the past.
“What’s wrong, kitten?”
“I don’t want you to feel that way,” I sobbed. “I don’t love you like that, and I don’t want you to be sad—”
“I’m okay,” he assured me, rubbing my back. “I’ve lived with this for longer than I’ve ever wanted to admit.”
“But why? I mean, why wouldn’t you leave if you couldn’t bear it?” I looked up at him, tears streaking my face, and he smiled, wiping a line from my chin.
“I am damned to love you, Ara, and sworn to protect you. I couldn’t leave if you demanded it of me.”
My tears halted, remnants dripping out past my lashes as I stared at him. “What do you mean?”
He sighed, taking me by the elbow and pulling me down into his arms as he laid us back on the bed. “Do you feel anything for me—at all?”
“Yes.” I squeezed his chest with one skinny arm. “I love you with all of my heart—”
“But not the same part that loves David?” He rolled up, pinning me onto my back where he landed on top of me. It felt wrong to lay like this with him, for so many reasons.
“No. It’s not that kind of love,” I said timidly.
“Could it be?” He leaned a bit closer. I could smell the toothpaste on his breath. “Just for one moment, please just imagine yourself with me—imagine a life with me.”
I closed my eyes and pictured waking up beside him, imagined coming home to
him at night and kissing him. It was easy to picture. The love I had for him wasn’t complex. It was pure, and it could become a different sort of love if it needed to. He was such a warm, loving man. But it wasn’t what I wanted. When it came down to it, I needed the drama and the chaos and the agony of my love for David. It was a mess. But it was a crazy, beautiful mess. Without it, I wouldn’t feel… balanced.
“I’m so sorry, Brett,” I whispered, wishing he hadn’t confessed this to me. When I opened my eyes, the disappointment within his flooded my heart. He leaned down and kissed my mouth, lingering there even though I didn’t kiss him back. And I didn’t push him away either. A part of me wanted to know if there was something between us, if maybe I was ignoring it because I was trying to get back what I had with David before, but as our lips touched, I knew to my core that I would never love him like that. And he felt it too.
“Oh God.” He wiped his mouth, scooting back off the bed so quickly I nearly bounced off the edge. “What have I done?”
“Brett,” I started, but he shook his head.
“It’s the surge,” he said, making fists in his hair. “I broke my own rule. My number one rule!”
“What rule?” I stood up.
“You have to go.” He turned me to his door and shoved me out. “Now, before I do something I can’t come back from.”
“Like what?”
“Ara, please.” His voice begged me to go while his eyes pleaded with me to stay, so I stayed.
“What would you ever do to me that you would regret?”
“Kiss you,” he said, voice breaking. “Tell you how I feel about you. Convince you to make love to me.”
I had to laugh. That would never happen.
“I know you, Ara,” he added. “I know your deepest desires, your needs. I know how to manipulate you—”
“Not to that extent.”
“Don’t be so sure.” He held my gaze firmly, and I believed him a little. “It’s why I stick to the rules. Why you have to go. Now. Before I make this any worse.”
Bound by Secrets Page 49
