Clifford nodded. "That's true. But some people are without sin. You, for example."
She laughed. "Oh, Clifford, I'm nothing of the sort. I would not have you think you are getting a perfect wife, and then be disappointed. I have my own little vanities and pride like everyone else."
"They cannot be compared to the actions of those vicious criminals."
She looked down at him levelly. "And you? What sins would you like to confess?"
Clifford was silent for several moments, so that she began to grow fearful of the magnitude of his revelation. But when it finally came, he simply said, "I have done many things I regret. I can provide you with a long catalog, if you like. But perhaps my greatest sin is lacking the courage to be totally honest at times. But I do it to protect the people I love. Perhaps it's also because I fear losing what I care about most."
She considered his words for a moment. "That doesn't sound like such a bad sin, provided that withholding the truth does not harm the person in question."
"I cannot be sure. That's the trouble. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't."
She frowned at him, puzzled. "Then perhaps you should just tell the truth and hang the consequences."
"If I air my suspicious aloud, perhaps more than the consequences might hang, Vanessa. Either way it lies heavily on my conscience."
Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened. "You think you might know something about the highwaymen, don't you!"
"Sush! Not so loud! These are desperate men, and they could be anywhere."
"Here at the Jeromes? I hardly think so," she said with a bemused shake of her head.
"You know the fable of the wolf in sheep's clothing. It could be any one of a dozen people in the district, men who might even come to dine at this house.
"Vanessa, for your own safety, I must urge you most strongly to keep silent about this matter. Let the Army and the local magistrates see what they can do. I have mere suspicions only. To speak of them openly now would cause more harm than good."
"Very well, I shall say nothing of the matter. But promise me you will be careful."
"And you."
"I promise." She let out her breath in a shaky sigh. "Not a very lover-like conversation, Romeo."
Clifford laughed tremulously, and ran his fingers through his thick blond hair. "No, I don't suppose so. But then, I might be more inspired romantically were you right here by my side."
"I shall come down, then."
"No. I would love to spend more time with you, but I want our conduct to remain above reproach, at least until we are married. After that I promise to kiss you senseless every time I lay eyes on you."
"Clifford, really! Someone might hear."
"I had my other sin to confess. To speak true, my flesh is weak whenever you're near."
She smiled and blushed. "Well, once we are wed, that will no longer be a sin."
"How relieved I am to hear that," he drawled. "I don't fancy the fires of Hell for all eternity. I'm already in them for not possessing you as I long to."
She giggled, but the word 'possess' had some vaguely disquieting connotations in view of what they had just been discussing regarding the spate of crimes in the area.
A shudder of unease ran through her. She quashed her doubts, however. Clifford has said he was in love with her. Surely he could not be playing a role to get her to marry him just so he could get his hands on her fortune? Not when they had agreed to all the terms of the settlement so amicably.
"What, what is it?" he asked, when he saw her crestfallen expression.
She shrugged. "It's nothing."
"I can see it is something. I'm sorry if I offended you with my blunt assertions. You did ask me to be honest. As I said, there can be such a thing as being too forthright."
She shook her head. "No, no such thing. I want you to tell me the truth, as I will you."
"Then tell me your truth, Vanessa."
She took a deep breath and confessed, "I still have some concerns over your motivation in marrying me, your desire to help me, when we have not seen each other in years. And I admit, the thought of the physical side of marriage fills me with both desire and fear."
He nodded. "Thank you for your candor. I'm not sure this is the time and place to have this conversation, through an open window at the back of the house, where anyone can overhear. If you'll allow me to fetch either Malcolm or Henry and one of the girls, and you bring your cloak, we can walk and talk about this."
She looked down at his earnest expression, and assented. "Very well. I shall be down in a moment."
She took her cloak out of the wardrobe and descended the ornate sweeping staircase which graced the Jeromes' manor house.
Turning to the back of the mansion, she headed for the garden room, lush with ferns and potted palms, and exited through the white wrought iron doors. She stepped out onto the back lawn and waited. Soon Henry and Josephine arrived, and Clifford took Vanessa's hand firmly in his own.
After exchanging pleasantries with the couple, they began to walk down the lane, Henry and Josephine in the lead. Once the other couple were no longer within earshot, Clifford said, "We shall take you fears one at a time. As I have told you, and Malcolm will confirm, we had no idea your brother Gerald would act in so impetuous a manner as to gamble you. I could not allow you to be given away to a man who could not love, respect and appreciate you for your truth worth. Your mind and spirit, and your intelligence and kind heart."
She hugged her arms to herself, elated by the words of praise. But she warned herself that men were certainly glib enough with their tongues when they intended to seduce.
"I fear you are too kind for your own good, my dear. I will confess I do not like Gerald, nor any of his associates. I admit to being appalled that Emma does not seem to find any fault in the Cavendish lad she has become engaged to. Her parents are the best of people, but they are a bit unworldly. I fear that they will be dragged down by any scandal which attaches itself to the family. I am also sorry to say that your two eldest cousins have been less than circumspect, especially Toby."
She nodded miserably, wishing she could defend them. For the first time ever she could see things from Clifford's point of view, and it was not a pretty sight. He would be risking much to ally himself with such a family. Heiress she might be, but what shocking reputations they all had, including herself.
Clifford could see her chagrined expression, and hugged her arm closer to him, allowing himself to enjoy the more intimate contact. "I'm sorry to say that our society does blame others for the faults of their relatives, and you will be judged in this County by the manner in which your menfolk behave, just as the Jeromes will be judged by anything discovered against their future son-in-law, unless Emma comes to her senses and breaks off the engagement.
"But let us turn back to your own situation. Gambling one's sister is not seen every day. It will be the talk of the district for many months. Add to that the fact that people don't know you very well, and there has been gossip about you being too intelligent, or even mad, as they say Gerald can be, and you must see why you need to be protected. We live in a society with narrow views and mores. While I cannot entirely agree with its dictates, I am forced to adhere to what our class finds acceptable."
She grew more miserable with his every word. It seemed more and more like he was trying to come up with an excuse for letting her down gently, telling her the match was off. She had never imagined that prospect would fill her with such alarm.
"But why can't I just be allowed to live as I choose? In an estate of my own until--"
Clifford shook his head, looking genuinely regretful. "People flout authority and convention at their own peril. Especially women. Here in England we expect the women deemed gentry to be meek, subservient, breeders of children, but without a thought in their head or any education to speak of. We expect them to be ornaments, to sing and play, and make endless yards of tatting. You and I both know there's more to life for women
than simply doing fancy work with their needles and dropping babies as mares do their foals."
She blushed and tried to withdraw her hand and step away from him, but he declared, "You insisted upon honesty, so honesty you shall have."
"Very well. But I do have the right to disagree," she said with some spirit. "Not all men in society view women in that way. You do not, nor does Henry. Nor Malcolm and Samuel, so far as I can tell from my limited acquaintance."
He was pleased with her defence of he and his friends. He also noted she did not include her brother or cousins in her list, but did not comment upon the omissions.
"The Rakehell circle are the exception, not the rule, Vanessa. And not every Radical would agree with us. Yes, I want to marry you to protect you from the vicious gossiping which would make your life a misery in our society. Force you to be either an outcast or conform to their expectations of how a so-called 'real' woman should behave. I am old-fashioned enough to believe that women do need to be protected simply because they are weaker in terms of physical strength. The world, especially men, can be very cruel, as you have said. Cruel politically too, denying women rights and equality.
"I will confide in you now, and say that I have learned about how cruel life can be for women first-hand from the example of some of my friends. Please take my word for it without pressing me for more information. My best friend Thomas Eltham's sister Jane, for example, has gone through more than any woman should have to bear. I'm not at liberty to discuss the particulars. Suffice it to say that she fell into the hands of an unscrupulous fortune hunter, who has made her life a living hell."
He looked more grim than she had ever seen him as he imparted this news. Her head was full of questions, but all she could say was, "Oh, my."
"I give you my word, and you may put it in your marriage settlement, that if I ever lift my hand to you, or force you to do anything against your will, the marriage is instantly over."
She hastened to reassure him, placing her arm around his waist to emphasize her earnestness. "I am not that fearful of marriage."
He took her other hand and kissed it. "But men think that they can exercise their conjugal rights no matter what. That once the woman is wed to them, they can do as they please. Similarly, if a woman has said yes once, that it will always be yes. I have heard talk in the men's clubs which make me ashamed to be a man."
She returned the warm pressure of his hand. "Yet at the same time, it is said that the conjugal act is for the comfort and ease of both partners in marriage, is it not?"
"It should be. I haven't been in love before, so I cannot say for certain."
"But you have--" She blushed.
"Er, yes. I am sorry not to be perfect for you. I lapsed some time ago, I'm afraid. I am no virgin, but my father taught me to respect women, and understand the consequences of amorous liaisons. It has always seemed unfair to me that the women seem to bear the brunt of licentious behavior far more than men. A child out of wedlock is an outward sign of sin, whereas the man can usually get off scot-free if he chooses to deny his involvement with the lady. Goodness only knows what happens to the women and children when that occurs."
She stared at him for an instant.
"Ah, I can see what you're thinking," he said, his eyes picking up every nuance of her altering expression. "You are thinking that I could easily engage in adulterous relations with married women, the better to hide my inclinations. But adultery too is a sin. I may not be the most devout Christian in the world, but I go to church every Sunday, and I do take the Ten Commandments seriously. A wealthy and mature widow with a desire for company is all I have ever been guilty of, on very rare occasions. And it was always mutual, and only if I respected and admired the widow as a person."
She stared at him in astonishment for several moments, until at last she found her voice. "My, but you certainly believe in being candid, Mr. Stone."
He relaxed his grip on her hand, but she did not yank it from his grasp, for which he was profoundlty grateful. "I'm sorry if you're shocked by my forthrightness, Vanessa. But I insist upon being truthful with the woman who is about to become my wife. To do any less is to set us both up for misery and bitter recriminations later."
She nodded. "Thank you. I will admit to being slightly shocked at us having such a candid conversation, but glad you told me."
"It doesn't repel you?" he asked gently.
"No," she replied after a time. "I understand that that type of desire can be a very powerful thing."
"Have you, er, felt such strong desires yourself?"
She blushed. "I am chaste, sir."
"I know that. But that does not mean you have no desires." He caressed her arm now, and she could see exactly what he meant. The flutterings of longing she had begun to experience in his company were getting stronger with every passing minute. But there was so much to be frightened of in her present situation...
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Despite the ache of longing she felt at being so near Clifford, talking of such intimate things, she forced herself to step away from him. The instant their contact was broken she felt bereft.
"I'm sorry. I'm not disgusted, truly. It's just, well, so powerful isn't it? I believe it's been compared to, um, sap rising?" she said timidly.
He nodded. "Yes, it was like that when I was younger. I'm more in control now. I can thnk with my brains, if that's what you're worried about."
She blushed and giggled. "You were about my age when--"
He nodded. "A bit older. But I can recall my teen years as agony. It was like my blood boiling."
"And now?"
He laughed shortly, his eyes glowing. "It still is, but I'm much more particular. And desire is as much of the mind as the flesh now. The intimate connection of genuine regard, as opposed to, um, interlocking body parts."
She clapped her hand over her mouth and giggled with shock and curiosity.
"And is it, well, so very wonderful?" she asked in a whisper.
"It can certainly be very joyous," he said, taking her hand to kiss it. He began to fondle it then, gently, stroking the back and between her fingers intimately. "I imagine that with a woman I loved, it would be incredible."
"And is it, well, scary?"
"Doing something new for the first time always is, my dear. And in this instance a woman has every reason to feel trepidation. It is a most intimate act, and she is trusting everything, including her safety to her beloved. A good man will understand and respect that, and never, ever take advantage. Will do everything needful to transform the pain into pleasure."
She felt her breath snag in her throat. Oh, it sounded just too wonderful for words.
They walked on for a time in silence, his caressing her hand as if trying to memorize every inch of it. "Would you like to sit?" he asked softly, his breath warm on her cheek.
She nodded, not able to trust her voice.
"May I?" he asked, bowing over her hand once more.
"Yes."
He began to kiss the back of her hand, then turned it over to press his lips to her palm. She let out a squeak as he licked it, and jolted upright and pulled back automatically when he ran it between her small and ring fingers.
He dropped it at once. "I'm sorry. It was too much--"
"No, no, don't be sorry. I was just being sillly--"
"Not at all. If you're not comfortable with it--"
She sighed. "I liked it, but it was just so, well, startling."
"A rush of sap, was it?" he asked with a straight face.
When she laughed, he allowed himself a chuckle.
"Yes, something like that. But I wouldn't mind if you tried again."
"Truly?"
She wiped her hand self-consciously on the lap of her black gown and presented it to him once more.
He repeated his actions, and this time she leaned back on the bench and allowed him to lick and even nibble her palm and fingers. Her respiration grew ragged, heat pooled in her belly like molten lava,
and her breasts thrust almost demandingly against the silk of her gown. She only pulled away when he slid the silk and lace up her wrist and began to sensually caress her forearm with both hands and his tongue.
"Oh, Lord, sap indeed," she said, rising to her feet abruptly and putting the bench between them.
"I'm sorry."
"No, really, it's me."
"If I disgust you, you'd better say so now before--"
"No, not disgust. Never!" she returned, near tears.
"It's all right, really, Vanessa. There's no hurry, I promise. We can just go back to regular hand holding, until you're ready," he offered.
"It's not that. It's just--" She snagged her lower lip between her teeth.
The Rakehell Regency Romance Series Boxed Set 1 Page 24
