by Cara Marsi
“Calm down, son. Calm down. I wasn’t hurting your mother. I’d never hurt her. We were just having a discussion.”
Josh looked toward Doriana.
She nodded. “It’s okay, Josh. It really is.”
Josh’s shoulders sagged and Logan released him.
* * * *
Doriana swiped at tears. She had to pull herself together. For Josh. She watched the two males as they faced off. Except for Josh’s black hair, he was the mirror of Logan. Josh had the promise of Logan’s muscled body on his lean frame. She gasped at what she saw on Logan’s face. Awe softened his hard features. Did he want Josh? Guilt ran through her, twisting her gut. She’d deprived Logan of his son.
“Mom, who is this? What’s going on?” Confusion marred Josh’s face. He looked close to tears.
Drawing a deep breath, she straightened, trying to hide her own fears. She touched Josh’s arm. His muscles tightened under the soft fabric of his shirt. “I’ll explain everything to you. Why don’t we go home and we can talk.”
Josh turned to Logan, studying him. Did he see the resemblance between himself and Logan? She hadn’t meant Josh to find out this way.
“I think it’s a good idea if you go home with your mom,” Logan said softly.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Josh said.
Josh’s bravado shot Doriana with apprehension. Helping Josh through this would take all her parenting skills. She would handle it. She had to.
Logan turned to Doriana. Gold fire burned from his eyes. “I’ll be at your place tonight.” The tightness in his voice stopped any argument from her. He leaned closer. “We will talk.”
“Mom, what does he mean?” The near panic in Josh’s voice sliced through Doriana like a stonecutter’s blade. She’d mishandled this whole affair. She’d only wanted to protect her son.
She pressed her hand around Josh’s arm. “Everything will be okay. Please believe me. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
Raising her chin, she swung her attention to Logan. “We’ll talk, but you are not moving in.”
“I will move in,” Logan said, very calmly, too calmly. “I have even more reason now to protect you.”
“Move in with us?” Josh said. “I don’t want him there.”
Logan flinched as if he’d been hit. “Go, Doriana. Take him home.”
As if watching herself in a dream, Doriana grabbed her purse and coat and pulled Josh out of the room.
“What’s going on, Mom? Who is he? Why does he look familiar?”
Doriana resisted the urge to pound the elevator to make it move faster. “Wait, please, until we get home.”
“Why is he moving in with us?” Josh stayed close on her heels as they entered the garage. She nodded to several coworkers whose curious glances followed them.
“He’s the guy you were kissing last night,” Josh said as soon as he was in her car. “Is he your boyfriend? I don’t want him to be your boyfriend.”
Doriana put the key in the ignition with shaking fingers. “Please, Josh.” She backed too quickly out of her parking spot, venting the frustration she couldn’t voice.
“Is he my dad?”
Josh’s softly spoken words sucked the air out of her lungs. She slammed on the brakes. Swallowing, she looked at Josh. He stared at her with angry eyes.
“You lied,” he said. “You told me he left town before I was born.”
The pain and accusation in his voice tore at her insides. She had two forceful males furious with her. Like father, like son. And when her own father found out, she’d have three angry males to handle.
“No one lied to you, Josh. I’ll explain everything when we get home.”
The blaring of a car horn behind her propelled her forward. She eased out of the garage. Tension rode with her and Josh on the long drive out of the city.
Doriana entered her house on leaden feet. She shrugged off her coat, threw it on the nearest chair, and headed for the kitchen. She needed a drink, but she’d settle for a cup of tea.
Josh followed so closely she felt his breath on her neck, felt the anger and pain vibrating from him. Logan’s presence in their lives had already driven a wedge between her and her son. Their relations were troubled enough.
“Mom, you have to tell me about this Logan guy. Now.”
How could she tell him? If she only knew the right words things would be easier. “Let’s talk in the kitchen. I’ll fix some tea.”
“I don’t want tea.”
Doriana put on the kettle while a defiant Josh pulled a chair out from the high counter. The wooden legs of the chair scraped the tiled floor, grating her already tight nerves.
She lifted a mug from the cupboard, her movements slow and deliberate, as if she could force her anxiety away. Steaming cup of tea in hand, she took a seat facing her son. Part scared little boy and part rebellious teen, he glared at her with harsh features. Her insides shook. She loved Josh so. And he was hurting.
She cradled her mug of hot tea and locked her gaze with her son’s. She’d spent sixteen years hiding the truth. A strange kind of relief swept her. She drew deep, healing breaths and placed her hand over Josh’s on the table.
“Logan’s your father.”
Josh’s face seemed to crumble.
“Oh, Josh, please. It will be okay. It really will.”
Tears filled his eyes and he yanked his hand free. “He didn’t really leave before I was born. He just didn’t want me.”
Her own tears spilled, hot on her cheeks. “No, you’ve got it wrong. I told you the truth about that. Logan left before I could tell him about you.”
He shook his head. “I don’t believe you.”
“Listen to me.” She gripped her mug tighter to keep from grasping his shoulders and demand he believe her. She had to go easy with him.
He looked at her with hard, angry eyes, just like Logan. She stared down at the table, praying for strength, for the right words. The fragrant brew of the ginger peach tea touched her nostrils. Feeling nauseous, she pushed the mug away.
“Logan showed up about a month ago,” she said, meeting Josh’s gaze. “Grandpop hired him to take Lisa’s place. I didn’t know anything about it. The day he walked into my office was the first I’d seen of him in sixteen years.”
“I don’t believe you.” The uncertainty that underscored his words gave her hope.
She reached out to grasp his hand. “If Logan had known about you he would have stayed. He would have wanted you.” The lie cut through her. She had no idea if Logan would have stayed but she had to make Josh believe that.
Josh pulled his hand from hers and pushed away from the counter.
Doriana sat very still, staring down at the white counter top. Josh opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of soda.
Opening the tab on the can, he sat across from her again and took a long swig of soda. When he put the can down, he wrapped his white-knuckled hands around it.
“He’s going to take you away.” Anger and hurt showed in the tight muscles of his face. He looked away.
“God, no, Josh. I would never leave you. Not for anyone.”
He turned his gaze to her. The defiant teen and confused little boy warred in his eyes, but hope was there too.
“Do Grandpop and Grandmom and Nonna know he’s my dad?”
“Only Anita knows. She guessed.” Doriana leaned closer, holding his gaze. “Please don’t tell your grandparents or Nonna. I’ll tell them when the time’s right.”
“Yeah, like you told me.” The ache in his voice tempered his biting words.
“I know you’re hurt and I’m sorry. But I did what I thought was best for you. I planned to tell you, but at the right time.” She twisted her mouth in a wry grin. “So much for timing.”
He chugged the rest of his drink and slammed the can onto the counter.
“Where’s he been all this time?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“Will he leave again?�
��
“He might.”
Josh paled. Doriana squeezed his hand. “Do you want Logan to stay?”
“He’s my dad. But he still doesn’t want me.” He crushed his empty can between his hands.
“Even if Logan leaves again, you can’t think he doesn’t want you. He moves around a lot. It’s the way he is.”
Did Logan want his son? The look on his face when he stared at Josh told her he did. Would Logan stay around, for Josh’s sake? For her sake? Did she want him to stay? Yes, a small voice whispered. She blinked her eyes against the fear wrapping around her heart. She couldn’t love Logan again.
“Why is he moving in with us, Mom? I don’t want him here.”
She drew a deep breath. “I’ve been getting some disturbing calls. Logan wants to protect us. And Grandpop thinks it’s a good idea too.”
“I can take care of you. We don’t need him.” Josh stood quickly, knocking over his chair.
Doriana pushed out of her seat and pulled Josh to her, hugging him tightly. “I know you want to take care of me. And I’m touched. I’m sure Logan will need your help. Whoever is calling is very nasty and I’m scared for both of us.” She took his chin between her fingers. “We’ll get through this together. The phone calls. And Logan back in our lives. It’ll work out. Things always do.”
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” he said. “I’m going to my room.”
She started after him, then stopped and sank back into her chair. Josh needed space, needed time to absorb the turmoil that had become their life.
Doriana sipped her tea and stared at the wall. The tiny sprigs of green flowers on the wallpaper blurred. Like her life, she thought. Blurry, with no clear edges.
* * * *
The ringing of the doorbell set Doriana’s heart to hammering. Logan. He had called an hour ago and said he’d be over soon, ready to move in.
Looking through the peephole to be sure it was Logan, she started to open for him, then stopped with her hand on the knob. She could keep the door firmly shut, closing Logan out. But Logan would always be part of their lives. She would guard her heart. Everything would be okay. The rapid beat of her pulse mocked the lie. Drawing a calming breath, she opened the door.
“It’s about time,” Logan said, an edge to his voice. His determined gaze locked with hers. He brushed past her, carrying two suitcases.
She stared at the expensive leather bags that he deposited on her living room carpet. How did a man without a permanent job afford such luxury? Something simmered just below the surface with Logan, something hidden and deep.
“My suitcases bother you?” he asked.
She lifted her gaze to his and met his challenge. “Yes. They and you don’t belong here.”
Folding her arms across her chest, she moved into the room. “You can’t stay here. We’ll talk and try to resolve our issues, but you have to leave afterwards.”
“Issues?” His hazel eyes, hard as marbles, fixed on hers. “The only issue we have is that you hid my son from me for sixteen years.”
She winced. “I did not hide him. You left me.”
Pain flashed in his eyes. “I had my reasons.”
“What reasons?”
“Where is Josh?” Logan scanned the room as if he expected Josh to jump out at any moment.
“My parents took him for the night,” she said.
“Good.” He moved closer. “We can talk.”
She inhaled his citrus-outdoors scent. Anger sparked from his eyes. The hard planes of his face were shadowed. He looked like a very beautiful and avenging angel. She shivered.
“I need answers, Doriana. Honest answers.”
“I’ve never lied to you,” she said.
He gripped her upper arms. His fingers dug into her flesh through the thin wool of her sweater. She flinched but didn’t pull away.
“You never told me.” The smoothness of his voice and his clenched jaw hinted at his fury. “You had to know you were pregnant before I left town. Were you ashamed of me, Doriana? Ashamed the world would know you’d slept with a guy like me? A guy who didn’t fit in with your Main Line friends?”
She forced herself to stand very still. Her tight muscles screamed their protest. “I was never ashamed of you. Never.” But in her heart a small kernel of guilt and doubt opened. She hadn’t introduced him to her prep school friends, hadn’t even told them about Logan.
“Would you have stayed if you’d known?” she asked.
His mouth tightened into a thin line. He released her and moved away. “I had to leave. You don’t understand.”
Her throat thickened. “Why did you have to leave? What don’t I understand?”
He shook his head. A mask slipped over his rigid features, shutting her out. He strode to the window and stared through the half-open blinds, his back to her.
She curved her fingers around the headrest of the nearest chair, swaying under the onslaught of old hurts. Tears welled. She stared at Logan’s broad back. His muscles tensed under the leather of his jacket. Did he remember the past and all they’d meant to each other?
Her mind traveled sixteen years. She’d been so young. So afraid. She’d waited and waited for him at their special place. In all the time they’d snuck dates, he’d never missed a tryst. When he didn’t show she knew in her heart that he was gone. She’d sunk down on the muddy ground and cried until no more tears came. She didn’t cry again until that lonely Christmas Eve when Josh was born.
“I was scared,” she said. The words slid out, low and tremulous. She barely recognized her own voice. “Once I knew for sure, I went to meet you at our spot. But you never showed.”
A tear slipped down her cheek and she swiped it away.
“Nice story,” he said in an icy voice. He continued to stare out the window.
She wanted to shout for him to look at her, to talk to her. Anger stiffened her spine. If he wanted a fight, she’d give it to him. He was the one who left her, damn him.
“You got my letter,” he said. “You knew how to reach me.”
“What letter?”
He whirled to face her. The darkness of his eyes, like clouds gathering for a storm, made her step back.
“Now you’re going to tell me you never got my letter.”
She lifted her chin. “No, I didn’t. Maybe my parents confiscated it.”
“I sent it to your school so your parents wouldn’t see it.”
“All these years,” she said. “They never gave it to me.”
They stared at each other. Sixteen years of anger, hurt and frustration thickened the air around them.
“What did the letter say?” she asked.
He clenched his fists at his sides. She wasn’t sure he would answer.
He blew his breath out and relaxed his stance slightly. “I told you that I’d joined the Army and where you could reach me.”
His wrenching words sucked air from her lungs. She put a shaky hand to her mouth. Would things have been different if she’d gotten the letter? She’d never know. Every muscle in her body tightened with her effort to control the sorrow and longing she’d carried with her for sixteen years.
“You could have found me even without the letter,” he said. “Your dad is a powerful man. But you never told him about me. A guy from the wrong neighborhood knocks you up. What if I’d been one of your private-school boyfriends? Would it have been okay then?”
She shook her head, fighting tears. “I didn’t want Daddy to hurt you. I let my parents think my baby’s father wanted to marry me, but I sent him away.” She squared her shoulders. “I thought you’d used me for sex then left me for someone else, someone better in bed.”
“Damn it, Doriana.” He was next to her in two strides. He grabbed her shoulders, burning her flesh where he touched. “You had so little faith in me.” Hurt and anger twisted his features. “I loved you.”
“You left me.” She pulled free of him.
Lines of frustration bracketed his mouth. “
Forget the past for now. You didn’t tell me about Josh that first day in your office.”
The accusation in his eyes slashed her with guilt. Hugging herself, she paced the room, trying to settle her roiling emotions. The cozy glow from the lamps did nothing to calm her churning stomach. Outside the wind rustled through the trees, promising a cold night. A cold and very long night.
Forcing calmness, Doriana turned to face Logan. “I never thought I’d see you again. I wasn’t prepared.”
His mouth curved in a bitter smile. “You’ve had sixteen years to prepare.”
“You’re leaving.” The words slipped out. She bit her lip.
He tensed. “What do you mean?”
Tears filled her eyes. “Josh is at a vulnerable age. He needs a real father, not a temporary one.”
His features hardened. He stared at her, a coiled, angry snake. She put her hand to her mouth. She’d gone too far.
“You think I wouldn’t want my son?”
He walked slowly toward her. She dug her nails into her palms, quelling the urge to run away from him, from the ugliness and mess of her life.
When he reached her, he took her by the shoulders and pulled her close. “You’ve never thought much of me, have you, Doriana? It was okay to make love with me. But I wasn’t good enough to be in your life, to help raise our son. That’s the way it’s always been.”
“No. I was devastated when you left.”
“No more lies.” He made a chopping motion with his hand.
She shrugged, pretending indifference. “Believe what you want. Josh is my only concern. I will not have him get close to you only to have you leave.”
He flinched. “I won’t hurt him.”
“You’ll leave when your assignment is over,” she said. “You never stay in one place long.”
“Do you want me to stay?” His voice softened to a husky whisper.
She tensed, fighting her attraction to him. “I will not have you hurt my son.”
“You mean our son, don’t you? And you didn’t answer my question. Do you want me to stay?”
Awareness throbbed between them. He still held her tightly by the arms. Did she want him to stay? Her heart cried yes but her mind shouted no.
