So here are the top five things that I would have done if I were Travis:
1. I wouldn’t have been so caught up with my ex-girlfriend. Get over her, already!
2. I wouldn’t have worn scarves as often. Scars are awesome! But if I was going to wear scarves, I would knit my own awesome ones.
3. I would have tripped more. There’s no way he was able to just move around normally in someone else’s body.
4. I would have stolen a bunch of stuff because I have new fingerprints and would be able to claim that I didn’t know what was happening.
5. I would never have sung a karaoke song in public.
Here are the top five things that I would have done if I were the author of Noggin:
1. I would have come to Terry Fox Jr. High to talk about my book so that more kids would read it and I could be more famous.
2. I would have written more about the whole head transplant thing and less about the girlfriend thing.
3. I would have mentioned my other books so that kids would know that I wrote more than one book.
4. I would have sworn more, even though there was a lot of swearing already. It sounds more natural.
5. My book would have featured ghosts with no bodies.
Arthur,
This is an original format for your review, but doesn’t allow for a deep consideration of what you’ve read. Your thoughtful reflections, as seen in other assignments, are missing in this one. I can’t even tell if you enjoyed this book or would recommend it. Next time, dig deeper, please.
Ms Whitehead
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: April 13, 11:05
Dear Kennedy,
I wish we’d got to talk this week. Things were just so crazy, hey? Plus you must be getting ready for the Science Fair. I can’t wait to see your project.
I don’t know if you’re around for Easter, but maybe we could talk, like you wanted, sometime this weekend. I’m not really doing anything, and I want to get out of my apartment because Pickles has been eating something that she keeps finding under the couch and then she throws up everywhere, and it’s disgusting.
Anyway, we can do whatever you want! There’s some awesome movies playing, so we could see one of those, or we could go to Heritage Park again, because that was an amazing time!
Let me know!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
April 14th
Dear RJ,
Happy Easter, I guess. We didn’t do an egg hunt this year, although Dad did ask me if I wanted to do one, and I said no. He seemed a bit disappointed, but he’ll get over it. I mean, just because that was the one thing that he used to do when I was a kid doesn’t mean that he’s the best dad in the world one day a year.
He sure doesn’t seem to care about me! I’ve been home all weekend. I tried to drop hints to my dad that I wanted him to ask why I wasn’t hanging out with any of my friends, but he didn’t ever ask. The only thing he asks about is the stupid camera. I swear that it’s all he cares about. I wanted to shout at him that it wasn’t mine or the school’s and that Robbie made a mistake and I was paying for it. But I didn’t say anything.
Mom would have known right away that something was wrong, and then she would have solved it for me and I could be friends with Robbie and be Kennedy’s boyfriend. In fact, she probably would have gotten them to be friends too.
But not Dad. Nope. He’s just hanging out in front of the TV.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Hey, Artie!
The school Science Fair is coming up. Would you be able to write something for that? The coverage should be pretty straightforward, and I know you’ll use your best objective voice in this article. It’s not rocket science … Well, it might be!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
April 16th
Dear RJ,
Today was even worse than last week. Kids were openly mocking Robbie. They wouldn’t leave him alone. Catie’s rumour about the video camera has spread, and even some grade nines heard about his brother being arrested. It was awful to watch. Every time he walked down the hallway, people would say stuff about stealing being a crime, and someone even put a poster of a wanted sign on Robbie’s locker. I ripped it off before anyone else saw it when I went to the bathroom during French, but still, it was terrible.
At first I thought Robbie was going to punch someone out, but then he looked like he was going to cry and these grade nine boys started making fun of him for crying. That made him super mad, so he was swearing at them and Mr. Everett caught him and sent him to the office.
He wasn’t on the bus after school either. I heard he got expelled. I tried calling him, but he won’t answer his phone. I don’t know what to do. I told Catie to take it all back, but she won’t because she says it’s the truth.
Why are people so mean?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Robbie, what’s up? Is everything OK? I heard that you got expelled. Is that true? You weren’t at school this afternoon, so I thought maybe it’s true! What did you tell Mrs. Winter?
Robbie, stop ignoring me.
Seriously. Stop it.
Why weren’t you at school today?
You missed a quiz in Math! Lucky guy!
Don’t make me come over there!
Just kidding!
(Not kidding anymore)
You know I will find out what happened whether you tell me or not. So have it your way. But you have to call me about the movie. I’m not doing it without you.
Science Fair + Carbon Pressing = Mind Blown
By Arthur Bean
This year’s Science Fair at Terry Fox Jr. High was held on April 18 in the school gym. There were over a hundred entries this year, a record-breaking number of projects in the Science Fair, all vying for the top spots to head to the city-wide fair in May. Many projects were really awesome, including Kennedy Laurel’s piece on fast food and calories, but the competition was fierce and only three groups could nab a coveted spot. The winners of the day included Sandeep Deol and Var Lodhia’s Vegetable Clones and Genetic Diversity, Elijah Courzain’s project on creating comic book apps, and Jena Frye and Polly VanDusen’s Cellphones and Radiation project. All of those were great, and we hope they do well in the city-wide program.
But for this reporter, the coolest thing at the Science Fair was Jeffrey Wong’s project on carbon. More specifically, the coolest part was when he talked about turning people into diamonds. Picture this: your mom dies and her body is cremated. But you miss her, a lot. Instead of having her remains scattered or whatever, you can take her ashes and make them into a diamond. Since our human bodies are made out of carbon (something I learned through Jeffrey’s project), that carbon can be compressed into the hardness of a diamond through science!
If that isn’t the coolest and creepiest thing you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is!
Whether you like science or not, the Science Fair can teach you something.
Hey, Artie,
Not bad, not bad at all! There are a few things that I’d like you to expand upon, and a few cuts to be made (I’m not sure why you’ve included Kennedy and Catie’s project; it’s an unnecessary addition), but overall, you’ve achieved a great tone here.
Cheers!
Mr. E.
April 22nd
Dear RJ,
Robbie was back at school today! I asked him what happened and he said nothing. So I don’t know if he got suspended or what! But it sure doesn’t look good for the movie. I asked him about the next production meeting, and he said that he couldn’t go because he was grounded. I tried to find out if it was about the video camera and what happened with it, but he just snapped at me and said, “It’s not all about you and your stupid little projects. You’re not going to get in trouble, dude. So leave me alone.” So I left him alone.
I just hope we g
et to make our movie somehow. But we can’t use the camera with people around, and everyone at school hates Robbie. I heard a bunch of kids calling him The Fat Robber. I think some even said it while he was right there. “Don’t let The Fat Robber stand behind you at lunch. He might steal your wallet AND your pizza.” Robbie isn’t even fat! I really don’t know what to do, RJ. I guess I was kind of glad that Robbie was a jerk to me and told me to leave him alone. I don’t want kids to pick on me either. I had enough of that in elementary school.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Assignment: Dilemmas and Cliffhangers
Write a short scene that ends with your protagonist facing a dilemma or being in the middle of a precarious situation. Remember to choose your vocabulary wisely to portray the gravity of the situation. Find ways to boost the dramatic tension.
Due: May 3
April 23rd
Dear RJ,
I didn’t think life could get worse, but it has.
I was hanging out with Robbie at lunch today (but in the library, so that no one would bug us) and Kennedy came over. I hoped that she was going to apologize to Robbie for Catie starting rumours, but she definitely wasn’t. She said that we needed to talk, so we went outside and she said that she didn’t like that I was hanging out with Robbie. She said that I had to stop hanging out with him or else people were going to start thinking I’m a thief too.
I told her that he wasn’t a thief and that people were seriously over-exaggerating the story, but she said that I had to choose: I can either hang out with Robbie, or I can hang out with her.
How did it come to this?!? I don’t want to choose! Robbie’s my friend, but I love Kennedy. Plus, she’s my almost-girlfriend. It’s not fair! I don’t understand why Kennedy would even say something like that. She’s cooler than that, and I never thought she cared so much about what people think. It’s all Catie’s fault.
I wonder: What would my mom tell me to do? But then I think, if my mom were here, I would never have agreed to steal the camera because she would have killed me herself if she found out.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: April 24, 20:31
Dear Kennedy,
I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t want to have to choose between you and Robbie. He’s not stealing phones or whatever people are saying about him. And just because his brother is a criminal doesn’t mean that he is too. People are making such a big deal about nothing, and Catie started all these dumb rumours that aren’t even true!
I’m also wondering, what do you mean by “hang out”? Like a couple? You know that I really like hanging out with you, and I’ll pretty much do anything for you, right? Besides, we don’t have to hang out with Robbie together. He can be my friend on the side. We would only hang out with your friends, I promise!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: April 25, 22:06
Arthur! They aren’t rumours that Catie started, Robbie TOLD her that he stole a video camera! So it’s not crazy what people are saying! I don’t know why you would want to hang out with a loser like that! If you think that Robbie’s a good guy, then you clearly have TERRIBLE TASTE in people! I like you a lot, Arthur, but THIS just won’t work if you’re friends with the wrong crowd!
Kennedy
April 25th
Dear RJ,
I can’t decide what to do, so I avoided Kennedy and Robbie at school today. Von also tried to set up an AV Club special meeting this week because we missed the last two, but I told Mrs. Ireland I couldn’t go. I hate that my movie is suffering because of all the drama of being in love. Avoidance can’t work forever though. (Or can it?) We have the newspaper meeting tomorrow, and she’ll probably want to know then who I chose.
If I choose her, I wonder if she’ll throw her arms around me and kiss me passionately in front of everyone. That would be pretty romantic. Then we would walk out of school holding hands and everyone would look over and think, “Man. That is the best-looking couple ever!”
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Hey, Artie!
As you know, the Greenest School initiative is starting in May. I’d love to have a special edition of the Marathon focusing on things that teachers and students are doing to help our planet. Would you like to try writing a feature article?
We’ll brainstorm some ideas at our next newspaper meeting, so put on your environmentally friendly cap and start thinking!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: April 26, 17:19
Arthur!
You RAN out right after Newspaper Club! I really wanted to talk to you! And today I heard that Robbie actually SPAT in someone else’s food so that he could eat it himself!
That’s DISGUSTING!!
Kennedy
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: April 26, 19:27
Dear Kennedy,
I’m sorry! I know that we have to talk, but I told Mr. Tan that I would help move sets for the play coming up, and I needed to go. I need to stay on his good side so that we can use the Drama room for filming our movie!
But I promise you that Robbie definitely did NOT spit in someone else’s food. I was with him in line and he would NEVER do that. People are making up stuff all the time, and none of it is true. I wish you believed me!
Anyway, I can’t call you tonight because my dad is really, really strict about phone time after supper, but we can maybe talk at school tomorrow.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Von Ipo ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: April 27, 9:55
Hey, Artie!
I have my whole hockey team and they are totally ready to film all the battle scenes tomorrow! You guys are still free, right? I figured that you probably didn’t have anything on Sundays, since you don’t play any sports. I also convinced Ireland to let us use the gym after school next week to film the big final scene! I basically told her that she was standing in the way of our learning process if she didn’t let us do it! Haha! She totally bought it! Anyway, let me know what time you want to meet! We can just assign roles when we’re all there. I have some suggestions written down already. I know what all of the team would be best at, so then we can make sure that we have good people! Did you want me to ask some girls to come too? I’m basically friends with all the girls in our grade, so I’m sure I can get some of them to come!
Von
Von thinks he’s filming scenes from the movie tomorrow!
he can do watever he wants. u mite as well go 2. no 1 wants me there anyway.
Well, I don’t think he can actually film scenes from OUR movie without us both there. If you’re not going to go, I’m not going either.
u go. i think im gonna move away anyway so u need a new art director.
From: Von Ipo ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: April 28, 23:14
Hey, Artie!
We missed you this weekend! I already had my team ready so we started shooting some scenes. They look AWESOME! I can’t wait to show you! Seriously, it’s definitely my best work ever! You guys will be at the meeting this week, right? We’ve got to plan the scenes with the girls in them. Do you think we could write in a part for Tuff to have a girlfriend? A hot girlfriend?
Von
April 30th
Dear RJ,
Kennedy dumped me. I got dumped, and we never even really dated. Oh,
RJ. Just seeing those words written down makes me want to throw up. I miss her so much already.
We met after school and I told Kennedy that I thought she was being a bit crazy and that I didn’t want to choose between her and my best friend. And she said that sometimes life gave you hard choices. So I told her that I couldn’t abandon Robbie right now because if I did, he wouldn’t have anyone on his side, and he might move away to a horrible place. She said that I was a good friend who made bad choices, and she was sad that she couldn’t benefit from my good friendship. I tried not to cry while she was there, but I couldn’t help it, RJ. At least it kind of looked like she was going to cry too. I’m making her sound like she was mean about it, but RJ, I’m sure that this would never have happened if she wasn’t friends with Catie.
I think I made the wrong choice, RJ. I miss her so much. I should have tried harder to be her boyfriend! If I had been better, maybe she wouldn’t have cared who my friends are!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
MAY
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Arthur Bean, Robbie Zack and Von Ipo
May 2 Production Meeting Notes
I think we should cancel the project, since Robbie won’t do it anymore. –AB
No way! You and I have got this, man! I’ve got all kinds of people lined up, and we can use the gym next Friday after school and I wrote a new scene for Mai to be a zombie girlfriend to Tuff, but then she tries to eat his face when they’re making out and he has to kill her! –VI
Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 13
