We were out with our friends one night and like all the other nights you and I were huddled in a corner. I don’t think either of expected it to happen because we’d been in that situation so many times before and we hadn’t kissed. There was something different about that night though. I don’t even think we were that drunk but we used it as an excuse. We were taking a break from dancing, you were leaning against the wall sipping a vodka and cranberry. You bit the little red cocktail straw and those full lips curved, smiling at me, inviting me to seek the answers to all my questions.
I didn’t think twice and went in for the kill. I braced one arm against the wall and leaned in. You were soft. You were sweet. Your lips were wet and a little bit cold from the drink, but you were heaven. You fit perfectly against my mouth. The kiss started slow, allowing us to find a rhythm that was all our own.
Who knew that kissing Cara’s mouth would be the demise of me? You see that one kiss was a shock to my core. It was that one kiss that made me realize that the girl who stood beside me for the last, I don’t know how many years, completely owned me. There was nothing awkward about kissing you because it was the most natural thing I had done. One kiss was it all it took to realize that mouth belonged to me. It was made for me. The taste of you hypnotized me, ruining me for any other mouth.
Fast forward to present day, kissing that perfect mouth is my favorite pastime. It still owns me much as it did after that first kiss. The taste of you is embedded in my soul.
Very Truly Yours,
The owner of said mouth, Jake.
Dear Cara my Sleeping Beauty,
I can’t sleep tonight. My mind has been racing since I laid my head on the pillow. There are things I want to do before I die, plans I have in my head that I’m so desperate to execute. It’s as if I’m racing against the clock. It’s so important for me to leave a legacy behind rather than fulfill some of the things I wanted to. For example, this afternoon I went to the florist and arranged for my mom to get a bouquet of flowers from me each and every Mother’s day. I think I have a plan for almost everyone except for you and Luke.
I’ve actually decided not to come up with a plan for you. I’m staring at you, watching you sleep. Is it possible that you’re even more beautiful when you are sleeping than when those gorgeous eyes are open? I can’t come up with a plan for you after I’m gone because the thought of planning something I won’t be a part of is tearing my heart apart. I can’t send you flowers because how creepy would that be when you marry someone else? I hate the idea of you marrying someone else. I hate the idea of you having children with someone else. But I hate the idea of you not living your life to the fullest even more. I shouldn’t have told you that. I may hate the idea of you moving on but I want you to. I want you to have the best life, even if I couldn’t be the one to give it to you. Sleeping beauty, one day someone’s going to kiss you, awakening you from this sad time in your life and you are going to get that happily ever after you deserve.
Love Always and Forever,
The frog that should’ve kept his fat mouth shut.
Dear Cara,
I was flipping through the pages of this book and I thought it was crazy how I couldn’t bring myself to write one damn letter to you. I don’t want you to think I forgot about you. I could never forget about you, you are embedded in my heart and soul. The truth is, I can’t find the words that are adequate enough to tell you everything I want to say. I can’t find the words to tell you how much you truly mean to me. You see these words will be the words that are left when I’m gone. The words that I write in this book will be here long after the memories of me begin to fade. The words I say in this book to you are the words that you’ll remember me by forever.
I’m not ready to say those words. I’m not ready to even find them yet. I’m still here. There are still memories to be made and words to be spoken out loud. We still have time, baby.
I love you.
Love Always & Forever,
Jake
Dear Cara the hair stylist,
I was going through old pictures today and I came across the picture of me with green hair. You remember that don’t you? The night you swore up and down that you could dye my hair. If I remember correctly you told me that you dyed your hair all the time, it would be a breeze. You left out the fact you never in fact put highlights in your hair. I’m not real certain why I was getting highlights. I’m going to say someone dared me because that’s the only logical explanation.
We were seventeen when I became the victim of your hair coloring shenanigans. It started off as a joke, laughing in the aisles of Walgreens trying to find the perfect box of hair dye. It ended with me wearing a baseball cap, covering my green hair.
I suppose it should have been a warning to myself that I was already falling for you. I mean what guy lets his friend dye his hair green and then agrees to let her attempt to fix it. I had purple hair for a week after you tried to cover up the green. You had me then, we were both just to blind to notice.
I wished I had known then that you and I were meant to be. It would’ve given us more time together. I’d even live with the green hair if it meant more time with you.
Love You Always and Forever,
Jake sans the green hair
Dear Cara my hazel eyed honey,
Thank god I got the girl already because my game is weakening, hazel eyed honey? (I’m shaking my head but I bet you’re giggling) I love your giggle. My heart does this funny thing when you giggle it’s as if it skips a beat or maybe it jumps ahead, who knows, but I feel a flutter. You don’t giggle that much anymore. All the things that used to set you off into a fit of giggles, they don’t work anymore. How is it that you’re not ticklish anymore? I remember a time when all I would do is make a move to tickle you, not even getting a chance to actually touch you, and you would burst into a fit of giggles.
There is a lot of things we have lost throughout this journey. You lost your giggle and I lost my eyebrows. What a pair we are. How is the world going to survive without your giggle or my wiggling brows? Can you promise me to find that giggle one day? I’ll be listening for it.
We managed to keep some things in tact though haven’t we? Our love has never faltered and neither has our strength. You know what else hasn’t changed? Your eyes. They are still my home. Did I ever tell you that? When I look into those hazel eyes of yours I can see the past, the present, even the future. I see home. I see all the things that we were meant to do together. All the things we will never get the chance to. Somehow, someway, it’s all there between the flecks of gold and green. The answers to my questions, the comfort to my deepest fears, the glimpse into what forever would be like, it’s all there in your eyes.
Sometimes you will catch me staring, you’ll ask me what am I looking at, and I’ll answer simply that I’m looking at you. The truth is there is nothing simple about looking at you. Every time I look at you I am memorizing each and everything about you. I’m copying all the facets of you and I’m pasting them to my heart, my mind, and my soul.
I love you my hazel eyed honey. (I promise to address my next letter as My Sexy as Sin Cara.)
Love You Always and Forever,
The guy who is about to let his sister draw his eyebrows on
Dear Cara Sexy as Sin Fiancé,
Have I told you how fucking sexy you are? Probably not in a while. I’m sorry for that. You deserve to be told that every day. You deserve to feel that the man your with can hardly control himself when you enter the room. I want to turn back the clock and go back to the nights I’d walk into Rudy’s, our eyes would catch, and I’d growl. Honest to god, I’d growl a real deal animalistic growl. You didn’t hear them or at least I don’t think you ever did. I couldn’t control it, whenever my eyes locked on yours, I’d growl because you were that fucking sexy and I wanted you.
I must’ve told myself a thousand times I was crazy, that you were off limits, you were my best friend. But goddamn Ca
ra, I wanted you. I wanted you bad. I tried to tell myself I spent night after night in that bar so that no one would mess with you. I rationalized it by telling myself that I would do the same thing if it was Sam working in a bar. All big fat lies. I was there night after night because while I may not have allowed myself to physically have you, I did allow myself to dream. Staring at you for hours, memorizing each and every curve, the way your ass looked in jeans, hoping to get a glimpse of cleavage every time you wiped down the bar. All those nights fueled many dreams, and Christ I’m not ashamed to admit it either.
The first time I saw you naked I thought I had died. You tried to cover yourself, I guess it was a little awkward, but I stopped you. I needed to see every single inch of you. I needed to see if that body I fantasized about was anything like my dreams, lucky for me it exceeded all of them.
I’m a lucky man. I only wish I could enjoy you more. Actually, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Just for a moment. Then maybe you’ll know how unbelievably sexy I think you are and how sorry I am that I can’t show you each and every night.
Love You Always and Forever,
Jake
Dear Luckiest Man in the World,
I should hate you but I can’t. I should resent you but I don’t. I respect you, whoever the hell you are. I know my death will break Cara. It’s inevitable. I can put all the plans in place that I think would help her deal with my death but in the end I will not be able to fill the void my death will leave behind. Only you can do that.
It won’t be easy, picking up the pieces of the fractured girl she’ll be when you first meet her. In fact it will be hard as hell because she can be real stubborn. I hope your patient, because it’s going to take a patient man to piece together Cara. I promise to you it will be worth it. She may be broken when she comes into your life, but once you make her whole, again she’ll be the most amazing thing to ever happen to you. You’ll be thanking me for dropping dead and giving you the opportunity to be the man who makes her happy.
Cara doesn’t have family that shares the same blood but she has mine. Don’t pull her away from them. They aren’t your competition, remember that. They are the people who love her. They are her family, the only one she’s ever known so don’t ask her to give them up. I’ll haunt your ass, I swear. It’s important for you to know I am not you competition either. You need to remind yourself that you can’t compete with a ghost. You win. You are flesh and blood I am a memory. You always win.
Make her happy. Make her smile. Make her laugh. Make all her dreams come true. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have her? Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be the man in her life who gets to spend forever with her? You are the luckiest man in the world.
I used to be you. I was the lucky one for a period of time. I don’t really understand why I wasn’t good enough or what the hell God had in mind when he decided he was going to cut my time with her short but he chose you for her in the end. I hope you are a smart man who realizes what he has, who cherishes it. Don’t ever let her go. Love her until the end of time. I promise you that you will die a happy man.
Sincerely,
The dead guy who gave her to you
Dear child with the hazel eyes,
You are a child I’ve seen in my dreams. You don’t exist yet but I can describe you in great detail. I’ve dreamed of you in all stages of your life. I’ve seen your mom hold you in her arms when she first gave birth to you. I heard your first cry in my dreams. I watched you blow out the candles on your first birthday cake. I laughed when you smashed your hand in the cake and then reached for your mom. I saw you wobble as you took your first steps. I was there as you crept down the stairs on Christmas morning, your mom asleep on the couch, waiting to share the magic of Santa Clause with you. I was there watching as you rode your bicycle for the first time. I have seen it all in my dreams.
In my dreams, you are a boy. I don’t know your name but I call you Jake. Guess what? My name is Jake too. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Jake is a good, solid name. Only the strongest, bravest, little boys are named Jake. Ask your mama, I bet she’ll tell you about a Jake she once knew.
You have the prettiest mommy in the whole wide world. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I’ve seen her play with you. I’ve seen her read bedtime stories to you. I also saw her kiss all your boo boos away. You are her whole world. You make her heart full. You are such a lucky child to have her as your mommy.
There was a time when I hoped and prayed I’d be your dad but that isn’t possible. I have never saw your dad in my dreams, only his hands as he let go of the handlebars when you rode your bike for the first time. He is patient, I can tell from the way he guided you on the bike. He waited until he was certain you had the hang of it before he let you ride it without him holding you. I bet he instills responsibility in you. Call it a hunch, but if you’re ever allowed a puppy I’d bet anything your job will be to walk it.
You are a beautiful child. You have your mommy’s eyes. In my dreams, I look into your eyes and they are wide with wonder. You have so many questions. Why is the moon so big? Why do I have to go to bed? Why is the sky blue? I see a little mischief in those eyes too and I wonder if you’ll be anything like the Jake you’re named after.
You may be a child of my dreams now, but one day you will be the child I look over. I’ll be your guardian angel if they really exist. I’ll always look out for you and do my best to protect you in any way I can. I owe it to you mom. I owe it to you dad too after all, he gave my beautiful Cara the gift of you.
Always Looking Out For You,
Jake
Dear Cara the Love of my Life,
It’s the night before the transplant and you and I are lying in bed. You fell asleep as I told you all about the dreams we have for our future. You named our first born, our second born and our future dog. We’ve designed our dream home, down to what type of oak the floors will be. The last few nights, we’ve had the same routine. You lay your head on my chest, I play with your hair, and we talk about all the things we’re going to do once I’m cured. You fall asleep halfway through some nights, others, you wait until we’ve spoken about everything and anything. I think the future of Jake and Cara is your favorite bedtime story. It’s mine too.
It’s so quiet, you’re not even snoring. I wonder if you’re really sleeping. The quiet makes me think. It makes me think of how things would be if I never had gone to the doctor. Maybe I would have never deteriorated like this. Maybe I would’ve still lived my life the way I had before the cancer until I just died. Maybe we’d be on my bike tonight instead of lying here waiting for the morning. If I didn’t go to the doctor we might have had more time. We might’ve been married and maybe I’d be caressing your pregnant belly. Hey a man can dream, right?
What is the use in thinking what if? That isn’t the point of this letter. I want to thank you for loving me. I want to thank you for being by my side through all this. If I was granted one last wish it was that, you and I could run away together, away from all this shit. One wish granting me one more day of Jake and Cara before the cancer, it would be perfect. Maybe we would go back to the karaoke bar. Would you sing with me one last time?
I love you my beautiful. Thank you for being the woman of my dreams. Thank you for loving me and giving me the chance to love you.
Love You Always and Forever,
Jake
Dear Luke, (It’s game day)
It’s three o’clock in the morning, the day of the transplant. I can’t sleep and I’m sitting here wondering if you are. I want to call you but I’d feel bad if I woke you. In just a few hours we will both be admitted into the hospital. It’s too late to back out now, and I’m certain you wouldn’t allow me to anyway.
I just don’t see the point in all this anymore. I don’t want you to think I’m giving up, because I’m not. It’s just I’m seeing the reality of my situation and I’m beginning to think I am the only one wh
o is. The chemo didn’t work. The drugs they gave me didn’t work. The only thing any of this did was make me sicker. The cancer may not have spread but everything else in me is compromised.
When I first started having symptoms, my breathing was out of whack. I had shortness of breath all the time and thought I was having panic attacks. I haven’t told anyone but the past few nights it feels as if I have cinder blocks on top of my lungs. It’s a job, a strenuous job, to breathe. My lungs are weak. My kidneys are fucked up too. Shit, I don’t want to know what my heart looks like.
I’m just so tired Luke. I’m so tired of the whole fucking thing. Forget about the physical exhaustion being sick takes on a person, I’m talking about the emotional exhaustion knowing that the end is near. The constant wondering when it’s going to happen is wearing me down.
About a week ago I started counting down the days until the transplant. I told myself relief was coming but not the way everyone thought it was. You all believe that you’re bone marrow is going to cure me and I don’t have the heart to let you think otherwise. I have this feeling in my gut that it’s not going to work. My body will probably reject your marrow despite the anti-rejection medication they are going to give me. I don’t see how I can survive. I am too weak. It’s eating away at me that you are going to go through this transplant and in the end blame yourself because it didn’t work. I know it. I know you.
Luke if I don’t survive it isn’t your fault. Please understand that my body has been through a lot and while my spirit may have a ton of fight left, my body does not. I know there is no way of getting you to not go through with the transplant. You really believe in your heart you’re going to save my life.
Jake' Journal: The Riverdale Series Companion Page 5
