by Emma Scott
In my mind, I saw Max leaning against a pillar, arms crossed, smiling at me expectantly. I drew in a breath.
“When I was sixteen, I was in the running for a dance scholarship to an academy in New York. My parents weren’t one hundred percent on board, but a scholarship meant something to them. They were proud of me, in their own way. And my teachers and friends were sure I’d get it. But I was petrified. I felt like I was so close to catching something I’d wanted even before I had a name for it.”
I toyed with the cuff of my ratty gray sweater.
“The night before the audition, I went to a party. Some guy offered me Ecstasy and I took it, even knowing it would keep me up all night and wreck me for the audition in the morning. I took it because that euphoria was right there and I didn’t have to do anything but take a pill. I wasn’t scared any more. I didn’t have to care so hard about…everything. The desire I had in me to be, and do, and dance…I filled it up with that drug. Of course, I blew the audition, and once the X wore off, the pain of that failure swooped in. So I did the only thing I could think to do to make it go away.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I took more.”
I looked up to see Alice watching me with a mother’s eyes; full of concern and care, and I wished, just then, she’d had the chance to talk to her own daughter like this.
“I can’t speak for Molly, but maybe she was chasing something too. Something in her she couldn’t catch and she filled that emptiness the best she could.”
“We could have done more,” she said. “We should have tried harder to find her.”
“Addicts don’t always like to be found,” I said. “Sometimes it’s just as simple and awful as that.”
Alice stared at me a moment, then wiped her eyes. “Darlene, I’d like to hug you right now. May I?”
A sudden warmth spread through every part of me. My head bobbed. “Sure, yeah,” I whispered.
She pulled me into a warm embrace full of her expensive perfume, but beneath that her arms were soft and I held her tight.
She hugged me for long moments, then pulled away, laughing sheepishly. “Well. I’m suddenly very hungry. Shall we have dinner?”
I grinned. “How do you feel about tuna casserole?”
Sawyer
I typed the final sentence on my second of two Performance Tests. I was instructed to research, analyze, and support a solution to the case as if I were a practicing attorney. Earlier that day, I had written three essays, each requiring a demonstrated knowledge of law and relevant precedents. The day before that I had written three others. Monday, I had answered two hundred Multistate Bar Exam questions over the course of six hours. My brain was fried, but I was done.
I read over the final draft of the PT, my eyes burning. I made a few changes, and then, with aching fingers and my stomach twisting in knots, I hit ‘save.’
Done. There’s no going back now.
A red light on the specialized testing computer lit up. In another room, the test proctor’s computer lit up with the same light, and the guy arrived at my closet-sized test space a few moments later.
“Finished?”
“That’s the exact right word,” I said.
“Yeah, you look pretty done,” he said. He checked my area one last time for any contraband items—especially those of the digital persuasion—but all my stuff was locked away in another room, including my cell phone, wallet, and even my watch.
I shuffled out of the testing center in the Sacramento Hilton, and through the lobby. Other potential attorneys had gathered in the bar for drinks at three in the afternoon. Their laughter was loud; years of study, stress, and long hours were over, for better or worse. 33% of us would pass. The rest would put in more study and stress to come back next year and try again. Or quit. I prayed to whatever god would listen that I was not one of them.
I veered away from the bar, and headed to the elevator bank. An attractive young woman in a black skirt and white blouse got into the elevator with me. Her blonde hair was up in a twist and her perfume filled the small space.
“Bar exam?” she asked.
“Yep.”
“Me too.”
I was facing forward, but I felt her eyes rake me up and down. She shifted an inch closer to me.
“Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?” she asked.
I smiled faintly. “I think I’ve heard this one before.”
“I’m sure you’ve heard a million of them,” she said. “So? Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?”
“Professional courtesy,” I said.
She laughed. “Indeed. Your turn.”
I scrolled through my mental database. “How do you save a drowning lawyer?”
“How?”
“Take your foot off his head.”
The woman laughed again, and the elevator dinged her floor. She stood with her back against the door to hold it open, affording me a full view of her slender body and her breasts pushing against the silk of her blouse.
“So listen, that exam was a monster,” she said. “Want to have a drink with me? To celebrate? I may have already started a little bit at the bar,” she said with a small laugh, “but you can catch up.”
God, here it was; one of my oldest fantasies since I decided to become a lawyer come to life. A previous version of myself, the kind that had parties and never went on dates—only hookups—would’ve taken this woman up on her offer without a second thought. Hell, I would have made the offer.
And now…
I smiled thinly. “No, thanks. I’m with…someone.”
“Someone?” the woman said. “Girlfriend?”
I tried the thought on for size.
Darlene’s my girlfriend.
It didn’t fit. One failed date and a few kisses did not a girlfriend make. We hadn’t even slept together, yet I felt closer to her than I’d ever had to a woman; my feelings for her ran so deep they scared me. But she wasn’t my girlfriend. The word was both too strong and not enough at the same time.
“Darlene is someone special,” I said.
“Oh God, say no more,” the woman said. “I was hoping I’d caught you early, but the way your entire face changed when you said her name…” She shook her head with a rueful sigh. “I’m too late.”
She shouldered her purse and let the doors close, giving me a little knowing smirk and a small wiggle of her fingers goodbye.
The shiny silver doors shut, leaving me to stare at my own reflection. A blurred face of exhaustion, and a smile that I hadn’t realized I’d been wearing.
I’d planned to take the bus back in the morning in the event the test ran late, but as I got back to my hotel room, I was torn. My exhausted brain cried out for sleep, while my heart demanded I jump on the next bus back to Olivia and Darlene.
I picked up my phone and punched in Darlene’s number.
“Hi,” she said softly when she picked up. “Done?”
“Yeah, I’m done,” I said. I hadn’t called her or Jackson while in Sacramento in an effort to stay focused. In two syllables, how much I missed her came roaring back.
“How do you think it went?” she asked.
“I did my best,” I said, and a ragged breath gusted out of me. I lay back against the pillows on the bed as one part of the tremendous pressure I’d been carrying, lifted off. “Yeah,” I said, wiping my eyes in the crook of my elbow. “I did my best for Olivia. And for you. For us. Whatever we are after the hearing on Friday.”
“Oh, Sawyer,” she said, her own voice tremulous. “I’m proud of you. And I know someone else who is proud of you too. Want to say hello to Olivia?”
I sat up. “She’s there? Where are you?”
“I’m at your place. I’ve been staying here the past couple of days with Olivia. And the Abbotts.”
“You have?” I shook my head. “What…why? What’s happening?”
“Olivia missed you too much. Being here in her home has helped. And being with me has helped too,” she added in a small voice. “It’s kind of a
mazing, but this little human likes being with me. I feel…honored, if that makes any sense.”
I had to clench my jaw for a moment. “It makes perfect sense,” I said, gruffly. I swallowed hard, and took a breath. “But…the Abbotts? They’re there?”
“They’ve been camping out on your sofa, and that lady, Jill, from CPS, pops in and out to make sure everything’s kosher. I hope that’s okay.”
“I…don’t know what to think,” I said. “But it feels like that’s a good thing. Is it?” A sudden, genuine laugh of happiness burst out of me. “Holy shit, Darlene, what have you done?”
She laughed too with happy tears. “I don’t know, Sawyer, but I’m just trying to be as positive about this whole situation as I can. Because the universe is listening.”
“And it will answer,” I murmured. “Jackson told me that once. Or maybe it was Henrietta.”
“Yep. He told me the same the other day, and I think he’s right.” Darlene’s sigh gusted over the line and when she spoke again, her voice was cheerful and strong. “Olivia wants to say hi to you now.”
“Okay,” I whispered, and heard Darlene calling Olivia to her.
“You want to say hi to Daddy?”
A muffled sound came and then I heard little breaths. I could see it so clearly; Darlene holding the phone to Olivia and my little girl not having any idea what to do.
“Hi, honey,” I said, my voice thick. “It’s Daddy.”
“Daddy?” Olivia said, and my goddamn heart cracked in two. “Where Daddy?”
“I’m right here, honey, and I’ll be home soon.”
Olivia babbled a little. She sounded good. Happy and safe.
“Say, ‘love you, Daddy,’” I heard Darlene say. “Say, ‘see you soon.’”
“Wuv, Daddy,” Olivia said, and then there was more breathing and babbling. Darlene came back on.
“We haven’t yet grasped the concept of the phone but she heard you,” Darlene said. “She’s back to playing blocks. And Alice and Gerald want me to tell you that they hope your test went well. They—”
“Darlene?”
“Yes?”
The words bubbled up from my heart, scraping and bumbling their way up my throat where they got stuck.
“I…I…Jesus, I can’t speak.”
“I hate the phone, don’t you?” Darlene said, quickly. “It’s so lame. Even babies don’t like it.” She heaved a tremulous breath. “Come home, Sawyer. Tomorrow? Your bus arrives at eight?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I managed. “Yes. Eight.”
“Okay, get some sleep. You need it. And I’ll see you then, Sawyer the Lawyer.”
“See you then, Darlene.” My tornado.
I hung up with her, and sat with the phone in my lap. She’d swept me up, then Olivia and Jackson, and now the Abbotts too.
And now, thanks to her, I might have a chance.
I ordered some dinner through room service, then crashed at nine o’clock. I slept almost as deeply as I had when wrapped in Darlene’s arms, in her bed.
Almost.
The hour and a half bus ride took me from the dark of dawn to a rising sun. I got off at the depot and, just as promised, Darlene was there, at the white pillar. Standing beside her were the Abbotts, looking as nervous and hopeful as I probably did. Olivia was in Darlene’s arms, and she squirmed to get down as soon as she saw me.
I set down my bag, willing myself not to cry like a baby in front of God and everyone at the bus depot as Olivia toddled her little legs as fast as she could straight for me. I scooped her up and held her tight, my face pressed against her hair.
“Hi, honey,” I whispered. “I’m back.”
“Daddy back!” Olivia said, and jounced up and down in my arms. She pulled away and her blue eyes—sharp and clear—studied my face. She put her little hand on my chin, and I struggled mightily to hold it together.
“Wuv, Daddy,” she said, almost solemnly, and I could feel that my absence perplexed her.
“I love you too, Livvie.” I hugged her again, as Darlene hobbled over with her cane. She was wearing that ugly old sweater that I loved so much. Because I loved her.
Oh Christ, I do…
Her smile was brilliant as she joined Olivia and me. “The conquering hero returns,” she said. “We missed you, didn’t we, Livvie?” She gave my daughter’s hand a little tug, then raised her eyes to mine. “I missed you. A lot. And Sawyer—”
“I love you,” I said. Still holding Olivia in one arm, I reached over and cupped Darlene’s cheek, and kissed her softly. “I love you, Darlene. No matter what happens, I know that’s true.”
She stared at me in shock, then her entire being seemed to grow brighter, blinding in her beauty. “I love you, too,” she whispered, kissing me again. “I do. No matter what happens, I love you.” She turned her face to Olivia. “And you too, sweet pea. I love you, Livvie.”
I held them both tightly, and this time I couldn’t keep a damn tear from escaping. But through my blurred vision, I saw the Abbotts, standing in front of that cement pillar, hands clasped together. And they were smiling.
“All rise.”
The courtroom got to its feet, as Judge Chen entered from his chambers to take a seat at his desk.
My heart thundered in my chest, and Jackson gripped my arm under the table, reassuring. I glanced behind me at Darlene. Her smile was shaky but she gave me two thumbs up, and that little gesture sent a small flash of warmth through me. Then the judge cleared his throat and I was stiffened by fear all over again.
“This hearing, in the matter of custody and establishment of paternity for Olivia Abbott, a minor child, the Clerk of the Court will now read the DNA results as subscribed in our last hearing that was since delayed.”
He nodded his head at the clerk, and she started to rise.
Mr. Holloway, sitting beside his clients on the other side of the courtroom got to his feet first.
“Your Honor, before we begin the Abbotts have requested I read a statement to the Court.”
Judge Chen frowned and peered over his glasses. “I hope this isn’t yet another delay in proceedings, Mr. Holloway?”
“No, Your Honor.”
I nudged Jackson. He shrugged back.
“Very well,” the judge said. “Proceed.”
Holloway cleared his throat. “It is the wish of my clients, Gerald and Alice Abbott, that they hereby rescind their petition for custody of Olivia Abbott. With this statement, they do intend to terminate their Order to Show Cause, and request that the paternity test results remain sealed in perpetuity and/or destroyed. Furthermore, they, as the parents of the deceased Molly Abbott, wish to sign on her behalf a Voluntary Declaration of Paternity, naming Sawyer Haas the natural father of Olivia Abbott and inscribing his name on her birth certificate as required by law.”
The words rolled over me like an avalanche. I’d hardly grasped one revelation of what the Abbotts had done before Holloway read another. Dazed, I glanced up at Jackson who looked like he was trying his best not to jump out of his chair. I turned to Darlene, sitting beside Henrietta. She had her fingers pressed to her mouth, tears streaming. Lastly, my robotic movements brought my gaze to the Abbotts. Alice’s kind face was tear streaked and Gerald’s lips were pressed tight. Their hands were clasped on the table, tightly.
I opened my mouth to speak, not quite sure what would come out, but Holloway wasn’t finished.
“It is the Abbotts’ further wish to pay child support in the amount of five thousand dollars per month until such time as Mr. Haas’s bar exam results are known and his employment secured. This support comes with no conditions or caveats.” Holloway flashed a pleased smile my way. “That is all.”
The judge’s eyebrows came together. “Are your clients aware, Mr. Holloway, that rescinding all claims to custody—permanent or partial—means that any visitation or contact with Olivia Abbott will be left to the sole discretion of Mr. Haas?”
“They are aware, Your Honor. But they have
hope that Mr. Haas will honor the faith the Abbotts have in him as Olivia’s father, and do what is best for all parties.”
I nudged Jackson but he needed no prompting. He shot to his feet.
“He will, Your Honor,” Jackson said, and I was shocked to hear my friend’s voice crack a little. “In the eyes of the law, a judge’s ruling carries more weight than one’s word, but in this situation, I know that this man’s honor and duty to his daughter run deeper than any order…or blood test.” He turned to the Abbotts. “And on a personal note, thank you. Thank you very much, on his behalf and mine.”
“And mine too,” Darlene said in a small voice from her seat in the gallery.
“Amen,” Henrietta intoned, as if we were at church.
The judge sighed, though the hint of a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. “Well, this is the most unorthodox custody hearing I’ve ever presided over, but if the Abbotts are withdrawing their petition, I have no reason to deny their request. The paternity test results will be destroyed and Mr. Haas, you are free to file a Voluntary Declaration of Paternity. That is all.”
He banged his gavel, and it was like a door slamming shut on one terrible future and opening on another. I stood on shaking legs as the Abbotts approached.
“I…don’t know what to say,” I said. “Thank you doesn’t seem strong enough.”
Alice tentatively reached out and touched my cheek. “Olivia loves you, and more than anything, that’s what we want. What we’ve always wanted. For her to be happy. She wouldn’t be, without you.”
I nodded, my teeth clenched. “I love her,” I said. “So much. I promise I’ll do right by her for the rest of my life.”
“We’ve finalized the purchase of the condo in the Marina,” Gerald said gruffly. “It has a spare room that we will keep for her. For when she visits Grandma and Grandpa?”
It was like a question and I wanted to erase all doubt in their minds. “Just make sure it has blocks. You know how she is about her blocks.”
Gerald held my gaze a moment, then burst out laughing. He shook my hand and then pulled me in for a hug. Alice joined, and I felt like some huge, empty space in my life I didn’t know was there, was filling up with everything I’d ever wanted.
