by Vivek Mehra
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: now based on all of this it is not difficult for me to say that I love u BUT … I love u as a human being n a very nice one at that … u r very addictive n the high with u is more than any drug
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: I have not lost perspective of my love for u n the love for my husband n family … I treat u as a part of it
VikSin: am touched
I really was moved and was already feeling better.
AlfaRomeo66: dolly from Singapore, from what I have gleaned has fallen in love with u also … I am sure that u could have sensed this. I cannot believe that there was no sign or dream that told u this. … I know inside me that with ur heightened sensitivity to the world u must have felt it
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: I don’t care if u share that with me or not but the fact remains … dolly saw in u what she was missing in her life. … she fell very hard for u, n lost perspective … she wanted more than what u were willing to give
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: but at the same time there is some sanity still with her n when she realized that she would be hurting your wife with her thoughts, she decided … to leave u while she still had her dignity intact.
VikSin: wow
AlfaRomeo66: but her last email to you was sheer insanity.
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: she sent that out of spite, trying to hurt you… see she cant physically affect you n I believe that all she said in her last email to u was surely to hit at the one thing u prize, ur beliefs.
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: don’t read into it too much, she is denying a lot, n I can feel that she is lying, lying to herself, to u, her husband n the man she claims to love… I only pity her children, don’t know what they would be going thru… am I making sense to u?
VikSin: as usual u r making perfect sense Marilyn
I was amazed at the clarity of thought that Marilyn had expressed. She was not too far away from my own.
AlfaRomeo66: I am sorry that she hurt u in the bargain, but want u to understand something
VikSin: yes?
AlfaRomeo66: she loves u for sure, even now that she is not talking to u, I think at first she felt she would hurt ur wife more, if she got deeply involved with u, n then became a spiteful woman trying to hit u where she knows it will hurt.
VikSin: but Marilyn I was very clear in my thoughts with her
AlfaRomeo66: then she was not clear in her mind… she was probably searching for something else. … the last chat she had with u, u mentioned that she said, she was walking alone, correct?
VikSin: yes
AlfaRomeo66: well that is it, she is leaving u to ur wife n going away from u both because she wants u n cant have u … n then she says she is with this other guy… that part is out of malice
VikSin: I understand
AlfaRomeo66: don’t get me wrong on the spirituality … am sure she felt what u did, but for her it was a means to a different end
VikSin: what do u mean?
AlfaRomeo66: she wanted to use it as a path to get u, n for u it was to gain spiritual knowledge
VikSin: understood
AlfaRomeo66: now listen to me vik
VikSin: listening
AlfaRomeo66: when is dolly back? I mean ur wife
VikSin: tomorrow night
AlfaRomeo66: am sure u r looking forward to her return
VikSin: very much so
AlfaRomeo66: no matter how much she prods n probes about Singapore DON’T TELL HER ANYTHING for the next week or so
VikSin: why?
AlfaRomeo66: I want u to spend the time only with her n all ur thoughts should be only for her …
VikSin: ok and?
AlfaRomeo66: from what I have known of her she too is very sensitive, n might get upset that u were hurting
VikSin: understood
AlfaRomeo66: I want u to make lots of love to her n if she does ask u why u were sad then tell her that u missed her n NOTHING ELSE ok?
VikSin: yes ma’am
AlfaRomeo66: no am serious vik, I don’t want ur lovely wife to think that u were hurting so much because the amount of love u two share might upset her
VikSin: understood Marilyn
AlfaRomeo66: ms. Singapore has her own ghosts to exorcise n she will do them in time … if she doesn’t then its her problem NOT YOURS
VikSin: understood
AlfaRomeo66: I don’t want u to think about her for the next week … if she clears the cobwebs in her mind, then she will be back on the Net with u … if she doesn’t return then understand that her work for u is done
VikSin: but Marilyn, how can I ever forget the one who actually made me one with the universe?
AlfaRomeo66: I am not saying that u should forget her completely, I know u cannot … just leave her to her own devices for some time … that is all I ask
VikSin: got it, am feeling much better today, n Marilyn
AlfaRomeo66: yes?
VikSin: words will never be able to express the love I have for u
AlfaRomeo66: u don’t need words, I feel it vik, u r a part of my life n don’t u ever forget that
VikSin: today u have proved to be more than a friend
AlfaRomeo66: hey sweetheart u were there for me, when I needed u
VikSin: I know, but still your words have given me purpose and lots of strength
AlfaRomeo66: have never known u to be weak
AlfaRomeo66: I know u have a lot of mental strength in u … ms Singapore must have messed u up n all I am doing is cleaning the cobwebs in ur mind
VikSin: u have done a magnificent job of it
AlfaRomeo66: its my love for u, vik, I told u I feel completely naked in front of u, have nothing to hide from u n that is when I realized how much u have helped me
VikSin: it’s the love of my guru n mother nature that has done it, Marilyn I was merely a tool
AlfaRomeo66: u r being modest but I know u speak the truth, that is ur most endearing quality
VikSin: thanks a ton
AlfaRomeo66: n when thoughts of ms singapore upset u, am sure u could write it out or exorcise it from ur mind
VikSin: yes I can write it down, sometimes
AlfaRomeo66: well do that n don’t let it affect ur married life
VikSin: I won’t I promise
AlfaRomeo66: I trust u, have to go now, vik
VikSin: thanks a ton, my love, I love u
AlfaRomeo66: I love u vik, more than I have loved anyone before
VikSin: I understand Marilyn n I cherish this love.
AlfaRomeo66: kiss ur wife for me n tell her that I love her too
VikSin: I will
AlfaRomeo66: bye love
VikSin: bye
The cobwebs had cleared in my mind. The love that Marilyn expressed was one that I had sought all my life--selfless and without any kind of desire behind it. It was pure; that is why it warmed the two of us. Our respective spouses had their own places in our hearts, and nothing would change that, but this other planet that we shared had made room for the two of us. We lived in this cyberspace in a relationship that did not fit any predefined one. We were not married, and we were not siblings. We were in love, but at a level that did not require any form of physical contact. We used the Net to contact each other, but even this was not needed to communicate our pain. I would love to coin a word for what we were, but then I knew words would limit me. I felt a poem coming on.
To You
When the pain in my being ran high,
Like the first spring shower you brought relief,
When the yearning for a soul ran wild,
Like the cool moonlight you calmed me.
When the need to talk took over,
Like words from the heavens you spoke to me,
When the sun set on my dreams,
A glow of hope you brought to me.
When the dark night b
etrayed my sleep,
Your words of comfort made my slumber complete.
When the world shut me out,
Your open arms welcomed me.
To you, my friend, these words I give
At a time when words limit me.
A sincere effort I make to tell you
That in my heart you will always live.
I dedicated this poem to my friends and made a mental note to send it to them. Marilyn had given me back my strength and I was going to follow her advice. It was time to focus on the arrival of my wife. But before that I had to meet a friend on the Net that night.
9pm arrived, bringing Reshma with it. As promised, I was there too.
Delta2000: hi vik,
VikSin: hi mirchee, how r u?
Delta2000; first tell me how r u?
VikSin: I am ok, why do u ask.
Delta2000: since yesterday I have been very ill at ease.
VikSin: why?
Delta2000: I thought it was because hubby was to leave last night, he flew out of Delhi this time
VikSin: ok, and
Delta2000: but it was not him, I kept seeing your id in my mind, dont know why.
VikSin: yeah u have been off the Net for awhile, u miss me, I know
Delta2000: vik this time it was different, I felt very uneasy when I went to sleep last night
VikSin: probably because u were alone
Delta2000: no, I am used to that, I dreamt of u
VikSin: oh, n was I messing with u? lol
Delta2000: no that is why I was surprised, u seemed to be upset
Why was I not surprised?
VikSin: tell me exactly what u saw
Delta2000: I saw u, very vividly and u seem to be stuck in some quicksand. U were not even trying to get out, just seemed to sit there
VikSin: then?
Delta2000: after a long time u seemed to just float out of it, there were two or three angels or people, I dont remember who helped you out and there was a lot of yellow light shining there.
VikSin: ok and?
Delta2000: what does this mean, vik? I was very scared when I saw u in the quicksand, but then I knew you would be ok, I can’t explain that at all, can u?
VikSin: I could explain it but here is what happened
Delta2000: ok I will listen
VikSin: yesterday was very upset because Dolly from singapore left me a message saying she never wanted to talk to me again
Delta2000: why?
VikSin: the exact reason only she could give u
Delta2000: ok
VikSin: the last statement she made was ‘I am the one who walks alone and will be back’
Delta2000: does that make sense to you?
VikSin: what do u think?
Delta2000: as a woman I will tell u something
VikSin: yes?
I knew what was coming next.
Delta2000: u were very close to her n she had an unhappy marriage?
VikSin: that is what she told me
Delta2000: that was the truth for sure, here is another … she fell in love with you and could not handle that
I was not surprised.
VikSin: why do u think that?
Delta2000: I know u vik. I love u too, but in my case I am also happy with my life. … it is not at all difficult to fall in love with u as u r very honest, fun-loving and handsome
VikSin: thanks
Delta2000: no I mean it, I would love to spend the rest of my life as ur wife, but as I got to know u, I dont want that way anymore cause u made me love my husband more, n I love u more because of that. … whatever time we spend on the Net, I know u r there as a very good friend, n there is nothing wrong in loving a friend. … I can’t explain it, but I know even if I don’t chat with u for weeks, u will still be my friend if I needed any kind of help. … I don’t know any other way to explain it.
VikSin: u don’t have to, my heart understands
Delta2000: see that is the other thing about u, dont need to give u lots of explanations … lol
VikSin: ha ha ha
Delta2000: good to see u laugh, when is ur wife coming back?
VikSin: tomorrow
Delta2000: great then for one week I will not talk to u, don’t want u to divide ur time with the internet
VikSin: yes that seems to be the only threat I am getting, marilyn said the same thing this morning.
Delta2000: we both know u very well
VikSin: I know that from the bottom of my heart
Delta2000: dont u ever forget that
VikSin: I told u awhile back, I can never forget u n Marilyn ever
Delta2000: I am feeling much better now, will go, hv to cook for tonight, see u in a weeks time
VikSin: yes reshma, see u in a week, will leave u a message when I get back online.
Delta2000: u do that, bye
*
My entire being still shivers every time I think of that Black Monday night; the night that Dolly66 let anger get the better of her and sent me an email that she knew would devastate me. The next day my brain had short-circuited as soon as I read it, just as she might have expected.
I still shiver a different shiver at the strength my friends generously doled out to me. Not one of them had been cynical, sarcastic or condescending. Each felt my pain; each was there to heal me. In this temporary prison of mine, Dolly66’s ghost still haunts me, but now I feel no fear, no pain.
Life makes one stand trial to help the soul understand the purity of love. I had been given my fair share and then some, and in this love I found myself, discovered peace. Now The Miracle awaits its appointed hour in a room spitting distance away from where I am brooding. None of this would have been possible without those friends who stood by me. Fear left the moment I consciously tried to reason with it. Dolly66 could never represent my life in cyberspace. She had been a nightmare, a child of darkness who came to show me another side of the world. Fear was the trail she left behind when she blazed like a comet out of my life. I was blinded by fear, but now the trail has burnt itself out.
Whether she experienced what she professed to have and then later denied is of no consequence now. It is my belief that stands tall.
MAA came to me, a fact I can never refute.
Professor came to me, his message was undeniable.
And my child is about to come to me.
What more proof would I ever need?
The events in themselves could mean little to one who merely heard about them. I know that less traumatic events have upset the apple cart of sanity for many. I have been blessed to see both sides of the coin and to come out stronger for my experience. It is not important for me to understand what happened; I just need the strength to believe what it taught me.
The dragon was mortally wounded; only a matter of time and it has breathed its last.
*
14. Selfless Love
The following evening after the two morale-boosting chats, I was at the airport to meet Dolly, to receive another kind of boost. Within minutes of the aircraft landing at Bombay airport, she and I were in our car heading home. She looked positively divine. I banished all thoughts of Dolly66 and was lost in the love that was my wife. On the drive back home, she filled me in with the details of her hometown, her parents and her friends there. After spending an hour on the road, we finally reached our apartment.
As soon as I had brought her travel bags inside the house, I locked the main door while Dolly made her way to the altar. I was a mute spectator viewing the brightest spot in my life and the more I gazed the more I loved her. She was oblivious to all of this, her hands folded, eyes gazing at MAA, lips thanking Her, soul praying to Her, a sight that was superbly divine. She radiated warmth and the tranquility that had eluded me for so long. As she bowed her head signifying the end of her short prayer, the rest of her body quietly withdrew, heading for the bedroom.
I followed her and noticed that she had stopped just inside the door, surveying the room th
at she had left behind for almost five weeks. I was behind her and instinctively hugged her from behind. She reciprocated the gesture by holding my arms that were still wrapped around her. While we were still hugging, my lips trailed from her neck, longing to reach her soft, petal ones. She instinctively turned her head, her lips searching for mine, and divinity descended from the heavens to make us one just as the two pairs met. She tasted the same. My eyes closed: I had missed her so much.
‘I need to take a shower, sweetheart,’ she said as she unlocked her lips from mine.
‘Hmm, I like your natural bouquet.’
‘I am all sweaty and I have a surprise for you, so please let me go. I promise I won’t take long.’
A surprise! I loved the surprises she gave me, and this time I had one for her too. I opened my arms and she went to her suitcases, removed her clothes for the night and headed to the loo.
‘Be back in five minutes, sweetheart,’ she said.
‘I will be waiting, my love.’
As she bolted the door, I put my plan into action, retrieving what I had bought to make our first night truly memorable. Bringing out two large red candles, I placed them on either side of the bed. Next I replaced the bed sheet with a fresh satin one. The color had to be peach; both of us loved it. Then I got out flower petals: a combination of red rose and white mogra. I sprinkled them liberally on the peach-colored satin-sheeted bed. I then went out to the hall where our phone was located and made just two calls – one to her parents and one to mine, telling them of Dolly’s safe arrival in Bombay. I then took the phone off the hook. The main door had already been bolted.
I came back into the bedroom, closed the door and switched on the air conditioner. I stripped to my birthday suit, lit the two candles, sprayed Drakkar on my body and switched of all other lights. Having done so, I crawled into bed under the cover sheet, which was also peach-colored satin, and waited for my beloved to return. The flower petals were hidden from view as the cover sheet was laid on top of them. After ten minutes or so, I heard the door of the bathroom open. I was already aroused at the thought of making love to my wife, but I was turned on even more as soon as I saw her step out.
‘Wow!’ was the first word that escaped her lips when she saw the satin sheets and the room bathed in the soft yellow light of the candles. I was at a loss for words as I looked at her, my brain racing to my loins, firing them up completely.
