by Vivek Mehra
‘I was always the one who was more disappointed every time an attempt to conceive a child failed. But you would sit and wipe my tears, hug me, kiss me and tell me that we would get through this one and that tomorrow would be another day. You made that extra effort to comfort me when you could have easily have left me, saying that it was entirely my fault for us not having a baby. I know how much you want a child and how much it means to your parents. But no, you were always there by my side. I deliberately withheld hushed whispers from you because they came from asinine mouths. To bring them to your notice would have been fuelling your troubled mind, making you angry and making you act irrationally. I know you would have gone to abuse them or even fight with them, not so much because you were hurt but because their words hurt me. That is what nurtured the love. And I know that this love was never shared with any of your girlfriends because none of them ever shared your pain.’
‘So tell me now, could you be the same with any woman you just met? I will give you the answer. Love is not about a stunning body. Love is not about sex that moves heaven and earth. It’s about caring about someone. Caring enough not to hurt them even in the smallest way. Love is about taking the good with the bad, the night with the day, never losing faith in each other. The most wonderful part of this is that I never believed this to be true, till I saw you live this with me.’
Tears danced in my eyes and in their merriment made more glittering paths on my face.
‘Any person who has not lived this has not known what love really is. You might have done it for reasons that only you would know. A shrink would probably tell me that I am wrong, would probably tell you that I am delusional. But I would ask him what life was after all. Was it not just one big illusion? If I am happy, then that is the illusion that works for me. Who is to determine what is right or wrong for me?’
‘Your friends, or even relatives for that matter, can only give you information as a bystander would when two masters play chess. The masters know the moves ten or fifteen in advance. Like all good chess players you win some and you lose some, but then that is what life is all about. You cannot merely decide not to play the game for fear of losing. I played my hand and won and will continue winning. I will always win because I know how much you love me. I know that our relationship is built on a firm foundation of trust, built brick by brick with pain and perseverance, till there stands tall our house of love - Selfless Love.’
‘Love is about giving and not asking what you have received. Love is about caring about the other person more than yourself. Had I done my bit and still lost you to another, then too I would not be the loser. I would always be content with the fact that I did the best I could and allowed you to be yourself. You would be the loser for not being able to hold on to your end, your hand or your dick. Any woman who would have wooed you away from me could never keep you happy for long, for she would not have been there to share your pain. Her love for you would come with a want and a desire, nothing that would bind you the way our love does. That is my understanding of the love we share. I believe in it because you were the one who made me believe in it. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks about this; all I know and believe is that it’s there for all and sundry to see.’
‘See the happiness that adorns my face. See the joy that makes my heart swell. See the love that flows through every single atom of my body. It is there. One only needs eyes to see.’
The teacher was taught some more.
‘Dolly Nair probably loved you in a way that she thought was right and later thought was wrong. The emails and chat I have read could easily be construed to be an affair that you and she were having. But in it I have read the thought behind your words and not taken them at face value. I have noticed that her bringing to life your Professor gave her some special place in your heart, a place that I could not make. She must have been a gifted person or just someone who took an educated guess about your emotions. But look what she did to you. She took you to a higher plane, as only a guru could. She was MAA to you, even though she later claimed she was just a manipulator. I wonder who manipulated whom! She could not lie about everything. If she could, she should quit whatever she is doing and become a scamster; she sure claims to have scammed you effectively. And if she can scam the likes of you, then she is surely gifted.’
‘The point is that you believed she was a particular person, and even if she is not, what difference does that really make?’
‘Would it still take away what she shared with you?’
‘Would it belittle the events that took place?’
‘Would it ever be able to explain or rationalize what you have experienced and subsequently become?’
This was a side of my sunshine that I had never seen before. She was always the soft-spoken one, a complacent accomplice at best. But her words today were celestial. The depths of her understanding of a situation, her belief in me and the exposition of love that flowed from her lips were totally out of character. There was still more to come.
‘Early in our marriage I asked you why you worshipped MAA Kali! Your explanation of her picture is imprinted on my soul. If you actually lived through a period when Dolly Nair took away every desire from you then what wrong did she do? What she was or is, is of no consequence; it was your belief in her that changed you. I will again go back to what you taught me.’
‘You once said, it’s more important to believe that there is a God, more important than spending your time disproving the existence of one. Call it by whatever name you please, the facts will never change. You made me sit up and look at nature, to look at all the good things that were around me. I would sit alone at home and admire the depth of your understanding of life and marvel at the way words flowing from your lips made magic. It was at these times that I was proud, prouder than a peacock could ever be, only because you were mine.’
‘Women may fall in love with you; I know everyone you meet seems to do that. My parents too have not been immune to your charm. They told me that you have very hypnotic eyes and you seem to mesmerize people. In that context what your friends think about you or whether Dolly Nair fell in love with you is absolutely of no relevance to me. The only thing I am curious about is what you think about them or her.’
‘Oh, I am not jealous that you love your friends. It’s a part of you, and I know that. You have a lot of love in you, and I for one believe that the more you love the more you get back in return. But would you sever one love for the sake of another? Would you actually go to the extent of leaving me for another woman, be she Dolly Nair or any other?’
‘If you did it sure would hurt me, but after the hurt passed I would pity you. I would not hold you in contempt but would actually be very sorry for you, because it would merely show that all your belief was mere pretense. Your claim to understanding life would be a farce, your belief in your MAA nothing but parroting something that you read, your prayers nothing but more lip service to inflate your ego. You would be living a lie and deceiving no one other than yourself. Eventually the lie would catch up with you, and where do you think that would leave you?’
‘I am not saying this is what would happen. I am just showing you a mirror and showing you what could happen. Just because I don’t nag you about women or remind you that I am there does not mean that your actions don’t bother me. It is from you that I have learnt that all this is fairly normal.’
‘It is from you that I learnt that I must see beyond what appears before me. It was difficult at first, but your love has shown me the light, whether you believe in it or not. I firmly believe that I would never have learnt this lesson if you did not have the power to teach me. I also believe that you could not possess this power till you honestly believed and lived all that you tried to teach me.’
‘So tell me now: how could anyone try to explain things to me about Dolly Nair? How could anyone ever understand what you and I share?’
My face was streaked with tears that raced towards my lap; silent lips quivered, v
oice choked and locked in my throat. My nose twitched and tried desperately to breathe, all the air from my lungs having deserted me. In contrast, her face was radiating energy. She gave new meaning to the word sunshine that day. Her eyes glowed, and as I looked into them a voice inside told me that today the teacher had been taught a very valuable lesson, a lesson that would never be lost in the mire of time, for it was steeped in love, Selfless Love.
‘You have always been an overgrown baby,’ she continued and this time had her arms around me. ‘Even if every soul on this planet believes that I am not happy with the way you are, it matters little to me. I would only ask each one of them to look me in the eyes and show me where they see sorrow. There is just no room for sorrow with you in my life. It never will be. I know it, feel it and believe it, inside my heart and in every pore of my body.’ With these words she hugged me, caressing my shuddering frame. Another exorcism was performed, one with love, love that emanated from every pore in her body. Two bodies lost relativity as two souls, merged lost in each other for eternity. A mixture of emotions raced through me, exhausting me, as my frame continued to shudder in her arms. But overpowering all was the feeling of being loved, loved as I had never been loved before in my life.
*
Even as I sit in this antiseptic room I am one giant goose-bump. The lump in my throat has returned exactly the way it had first appeared that day. I instinctively wrap my arms around myself to feel the warmth that I felt that day. I know and I believe that it has never left me, not even for a moment. But then again I am human. I need to be constantly reminded. I was destined to receive such reminders, and one special one--a living breathing one.
*
In the days that followed, we settled into our daily routine. I kept in touch with my friends on the Net, but this time I lost all desire to frequent chat rooms. We kept in touch through email most of the time, logging into Messenger every once in a while. I slowly recovered from Dolly66’s assault because I consciously refused to think about her. I took all her emails and chats, compressing the files and storing them in a far corner of my hard disk and my mind. My work started picking up, financial tensions easing and yet the lack of a just development-proposal for my property continued to plague me. The days went by, turning into weeks, and before I knew it, two months had passed.
By then only Marilyn and Reshma were in touch regularly, both happy that my wife had returned and things were comfortable on the home front. Aviva migrated to the United States and was soon to be married to her Net boyfriend. Bindu spent more time looking after her sons than she did on the Net. I was happy with the outcome. On the Net I deliberately avoided making any new friends. I don’t know why, but my heart was no longer in it. It was probably a reaction of my soul, scared of being hurt once again.
I came home one evening and saw my wife looking very pale. I asked her what had happened, and she said that she was feeling a little under the weather. She had a very impish grin on her face. I could not understand it at all. It was a routine that whenever I reached home from work I would go to the loo to catch up on my reading in peace. That day too I did not digress. I reached for the novel I was currently reading.
It was habitual of me to leave the unfinished book face down on the shelf in the loo to mark the page I was reading. This time I noticed that the book was closed. I knew I had not done this and was surprised by Dolly’s action. Over the years she had learnt my system and rarely digressed from it. When I opened the book searching for my page, I found a folded piece of paper wedged in as a bookmark. I opened it, and as I read my eyes popped out of my head.
It was a pathology report.
The name of the patient was listed as Dolly Singhal.
The test conducted was for pregnancy.
The result said it all in just one word. Positive!
I yelped as I read it and checked the date – it was today’s. I forgot the urge to sit on the pot and forgot that I was still butt naked.
‘Dolly!’ I yelled as I opened the door and rushed out. She was sitting quietly on the bed, looking in my direction. I rushed to her, my naked body of no consequence, a different kind of joy gushing through me, and hugged her.
I was going to be a papa. After nine years I would finally be a papa. My joy was uncontrollable –I rocked her in my arms, tears of joy streaming down my face.
‘Easy fatso,’ she said, struggling a bit in my joyous arms.
‘Dolly, we are going to have a baby, and you never told me,’ I yelled at her.
‘I wanted to see your face when I showed you the test result.’
‘I am so happy I could dance.’
‘Let go of me first. The doctor has advised me to take it very easy for the next month.’
I immediately let go and sat right next to her. ‘You were feeling sick, and that is why you went for the test? You did not even tell me this. When did you go for the test? Why didn’t you take me with you?’ I was blabbering in excitement.
‘I just wanted to be sure before I told you,’ she replied softly.
I hugged her again. This time I was careful not to squeeze too hard. Tears still flowed from my eyes, as I tried hard to settle down.
‘This is so wonderful,’ I said, while I still tried to catch my breath.
‘Stop crying first.’ There were tears in her eyes too.
‘You stop first.’
‘I am not crying,’ and she started sobbing as she reached out to hug me.
We held each other for a while. I then gently eased out of the embrace and took her by the hand. I was still naked and was not worried of anyone surprising me by coming home. I led her by her hand, and we stood before Maa at the altar in our house. I lit some incense and then looked at Maa. She had a big smile on her face. She had known it all along. I closed my eyes and thanked her from the bottom of my heart, from every shuddering inch of my body and from the depths of my soul. Through closed eyes too I saw her smiling face radiating in front of me. She had fulfilled my wish at last.
I opened my eyes and saw my wife kneel before the altar and bow her head. She was pale and still looked beautiful. I did not disturb her. I too knelt before Maa. I looked first at Her and then at my wife. A thousand temple bells clanged, a thousand church bells tolled and a thousand mosques reverberated in the glory of the Lord. Each one of them resounded with the happiness racing inside me, involuntary spasms traversing, a heady mix of warmth and chill engulfing me. I wanted to scream in joy, wanted to yell in ecstasy and wanted to stand on top of Mt Everest to tell the whole world that I was going to have a baby.
For days I lived surrounded by this felicity. Grandparents on both sides were brimming with joy, thanking every soul that had prayed for them, promising to fulfill every vow that they had made and vowing that a party the likes of which Bombay had yet to see would be thrown on the arrival of this heavenly gift. As for me, I wanted to feed orphans more than I wanted to party with friends. My thoughts not just surprised all that heard me; they surprised me too. I knew I had been changed.
Dolly and I visited her doctor on a weekly basis because the first three months of pregnancy are always critical. Dolly grew a little weak – but that was natural, the doctor said.
I had informed all in this world but had yet to inform my friends in cyberspace. Dolly insisted that they not be told for at least the first few weeks, as she wanted the announcement to be special. She told me that she wanted to be there when I told them and insisted that all be told at the same time. I knew that this was difficult but not impossible.
My birthday was just a week away. I left messages with all my friends on the Net to meet me at the same time on the same day in a chat room. After hearing from them, 6pm Indian Standard time on 30 November was fixed. I told them to be there, as Dolly wanted to meet them. Marilyn and Reshma asked me to choose another day, as they knew this was my birthday. They wanted me to spend that evening with my wife and not spend time on the Net. I told them that it was Dolly’s wish and not mine. They gave into t
he request and promised to be there.
On 30 November at 5:45pm I logged into Yahoo Chat. My Messenger was also switched on, but I wanted everyone to be in the same room. I had learnt that another unique feature of Yahoo Chat was that you could create a private room and allow your friends to join in. Dolly and I were there in my office, and as I logged in she was seated right next to me. I was excited. I created the room and waited. At first I was the only occupant of the room and at 5:55pm Reshma entered. Yahoo had made chatting very easy. All one had to do was search for the ID in Yahoo Chat’s search engine. Once the ID was located and confirmed to be online, one had merely to click on the goto button and was transported to the same room as the friend’s ID.
Delta2000: HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIKRAM!!!
VikSin: thank you Reshma.
Delta2000: is dolly there too?
VikSin: yes she is n she is watching the screen
Delta2000: hi dolly, I have heard so much about u I think I know u
VikSin: dolly says, thank you reshma and nice to meet u too … she also says that I have told her all about u
Delta2000: I hope he said nice things … lol
VikSin: hey reshma, I only say nice things about people … lol
Delta2000: I know, but I don’t believe you.
Just then, Marilyn entered the room. Before I could send her a greeting, I saw Aviva enter the room and Bindu follow.
AlfaRomeo66: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART
Axes26: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO.
bind99: happy birthday vikram.
The messages came flying across the screen. This time there were two giant Goosebumps watching the screen. I had never had all my friends together in a room, and this was very exciting. The news I had to give them added to the intensity.
