“You were wasted last night, and I know you brought that chick home, too.”
“This isn’t about me, Dex. You can’t drink when you’re taking those meds, it’s not safe, and you can’t let that fucking bitch do this to you.”
I shoved him hard in the chest. “Don’t ever—”
“What? Call it as I see it? She left, Declan, she’s gone, and I’m tired of watching you die over some bitch who chose to leave without telling you why or where she went.”
Each muscle in my body ached as I held back my rage. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Liam’s palms planted on my chest as he pushed me backward. “Then fucking tell me, tell me how you can still defend that—”
All the pent-up aggression connected with his jaw in the form of my fist. Liam took the hit with hardly a misstep. “You don’t know everything!” I let my voice raise, let the growl out, let myself free, let myself feel the throbbing in my knuckles as I sank to the floor. It was better than feeling nothing.
“Then tell me.”
I’d never told anyone about how Paige and I really ended things. I’d never confessed my sins. They didn’t belong solely to me and talking about it would’ve been a betrayal to her. Liam’s eyes met mine with an understanding as he sat down next to me on the floor without a word, waiting for me to make the next move. It was like I was a teenager all over again, but now, Liam was the only person I could talk to about the sickness inside me. We sat in the stillness for a while before I gathered the courage to speak.
“Paige was pregnant.” I kept my eyes forward and traced the quickly dried rivers of bourbon along the wall. Anything to keep myself from seeing the disappointment in his features. “I’d always wanted to marry her, Liam. You know that. But, she was terrified, terrified of having a life with me… I think… I think she thought getting rid of it was her only option. She talked herself into it, told me her parents would never let us be together and then afterward it was…” I let my head fall into my hands. “It was different. She wasn’t the same, and neither was I.” I raised my head.
“Declan—”
His eyes held pity that I didn’t deserve.
“It was our choice, don’t fucking look at me like that.” I stood abruptly and the alcohol buzzed in my head like a bee. “I’m just as guilty as she is.”
“Guilty?” he asked as he stood. “Declan you were frightened kids.” He was incredulous.
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, what’s done is done, and she left, and I think this is my punishment, being without her, it’s my cross to bear.”
He narrowed his eyes. “You sound like Mom.”
“Maybe she’s right, maybe we should all go to church more, look at Kieran, he’s happy.” I exhaled a breath, picked up my phone from my dresser and put it in my pocket.
Liam chuckled. “I wouldn’t be too sure of that, this whole family is screwed.”
The thorn in my heart twisted. Paige and I, we’d made a choice and we could have suffered through the loss together, healed, and moved on, but the night she left, she’d made sure I wouldn’t follow.
“I couldn’t have married you, Declan. We’d end up just like your mom and dad. You would’ve had to get a job working minimum wage. There would be bills, and mouths to feed. You would’ve thrown away everything that is beautiful about who you are until you drowned your regrets in a bottle and ended up hating me for trapping you into a marriage that was doomed from the start.”
I was no better than my father to her.
You’re disposable.
“I’m exhausted, Liam.” The bone-tired words spilled from my mouth.
“I wish you would’ve told me, you shouldn’t have had to go through that all on your own. I could have helped you through everything. All this time, Declan… you need to move on, this shit... it’s unhealthy.”
“And banging random chicks is healthy?” My eyes slid to the napkin with Kate’s number sitting on my night stand.
He shook his head and followed my gaze. “No, Dex, it’s not, but it sure as shit feels better than being alone.” He gripped my shoulder again. “You were doing better, don’t let this set you back.”
This.
She’s so close.
Her.
She’s waiting.
Paige.
“I think it might be too late.” I ran my hands through my hair and watched him as he walked over to my nightstand and picked up the napkin.
“Is it?” He walked past me and handed me the napkin. “I’m heading out, Kieran wants to go to Bellows again. I think the whole priesthood thing, or lack thereof, is getting to him. You coming?”
I read the phone number in my hand over and over again. The whiskey pumped through my rushing pulse.
“Yeah, let me just clean up this mess real quick.”
Feels better than being alone.
“One hour… take a shower, and tomorrow you’re helping me fix this damn door.”
Once he left my room, I pulled my phone from my pocket and opened the lock screen. The Jack made me bolder than I was really feeling, or maybe I was just giving into the fatigue of loving someone who couldn’t love me back.
Me: This is Declan, want to meet at Bellows tonight?
My stomach churned as I awaited a response. Something told me it would’ve been smarter to just stay home and pass out on whatever else Liam had in the kitchen, but I didn’t have a chance to back out.
Kate: I’m already here. See you soon.
Stress. It built like a boiling tea kettle in my chest as I walked through the doors of Bellows. The bass thumped and the room smelled of stale beer, perfume, and desperation. The tables were full, and I kept my eyes down as I followed behind Liam. My palms were sweating and, for a split second, I hoped that maybe Kate had decided not to wait here for me and had gone home. Liam stopped abruptly and I raised my gaze. She was sitting at the bar. Kate’s black hair was shiny and straight and the shots I’d taken while Liam showered fed my swarming buzz.
Liam’s knowing eyes fell across my face and he swallowed. “Maybe.” He paused and shook his head. “I don’t know, Dex, maybe—”
“I’m okay.” I attempted to lift the corners of my mouth.
Kate’s eyes slid across the room and her lips parted with a smile once she found me. She was wearing all black, her dress was short, exposing ghostly white legs. The dark fabric made the tone of her skin stand out, and I wished for her skinny jeans and old band t-shirts. My anxiety was about to trickle over the surface as Kate confidently pushed her hair over her shoulder and stepped off the bar stool.
“Hey.” Kieran’s hand clapped down on my shoulder.
“Declan’s meeting a chick tonight.” Liam sounded proud and it should have made me feel better, but I knew he was infusing the lie into his voice to help me. He knew me better than anyone, and he saw terror written all over my face the minute we stepped foot into the bar.
“Who?” Kieran’s smile spread across his face.
“Hey, Declan.” Kate’s voice was sultry under the silhouette of alcohol. It poured like silk between us. The dim light of the room set the mood, purposefully nursing the notions of anticipation, sex, and need. And maybe it was just the whiskey, but it put me at ease.
“Hi,” I said and gave her the best smile I had. Her face lit up and the glossy shimmer of her lips drew my attention. She was beautiful. The easy line of her nose, the rise of her cheekbones, her small stature, and full breasts, I should be pleased, but instead I suddenly felt nauseous.
“If you need us, we’ll be in the back playing pool.” Liam gave me a nod.
Kieran lingered, his eyes fixed on Kate, and they narrowed into a hard glare. She was facing me so she’d missed the look, but it bothered me and my sick stomach churned.
“Come on, little brother,” Liam spoke, and Kieran took a step backward; his brows furrowed as his eyes met mine with questions just before he turned and walked toward the back room with Liam.
/> Was he disappointed in me?
Of course he is.
She’s not her.
The air in the room was hot and thick, and maybe it was panic or maybe I was being a pussy, either way, I needed a moment to breathe. “Let’s go outside for a minute?”
I was without the shield of my sketch pad and even the hard bass wasn’t silencing the doubt or the voices tonight.
“Okay.” She smiled at me and, before I had a chance to walk toward the front, she grabbed my hand and laced her fingers through mine. Her skin was sweaty and foreign. She smiled up at me and a slight quiver of her bottom lip made me feel better. Maybe I wasn’t the only nervous one.
I exhaled as I led us through the crowd. She tightened her grip, and it felt good to have someone hold onto me again. The night air was dry and warm as I opened the door to Bellows. It washed over me and cleansed my worried thoughts, if only for the moment.
She followed next to me, hand in hand, her purse over her shoulder, the strap positioned between her breasts as we walked a few more steps into the night. The heat of the sidewalk burned beneath us, and I almost felt like a man again as my eyes fell to our clasped hands. I stopped mid-step and sucked in a ragged breath.
She giggled. “Are you nervous or something?”
My smile was genuine as I let the Jack Daniel’s encourage me to speak the truth. “Yes.”
She hiccupped and I laughed. “Sorry, I might’ve had a few drinks before you got here. A little liquid courage never hurt, right?” She quirked her perfectly sculpted black brow.
I shrugged. “I normally don’t drink, but I did tonight and I’m feeling—”
“Sick?” she guessed.
I nodded.
“I could tell. You went pale when I walked up to you.” She bit her lip. “Are you feeling better with the fresh air?”
It was still too warm at night, and the oven we were standing in was only mildly helping. “I think it’s the heat that’s getting to me,” I admitted.
The thin, white fabric of my cotton V-neck was damp with sweat.
“I’m parked just behind Bellows, we could sit and talk? I have this wonderful thing called air conditioning.” She smirked. “Come on.”
She dropped my hand as she led the way. My heart pounded as I followed her. I silently wished for the bottle of Jack, for my sketch pad, something… anything to distract or hide behind. I didn’t talk.
“This is me.” She pulled a remote key out of her purse and the headlights of a red SUV blinked.
Kate walked to the driver side and got into the car. The engine started and I stared at the tinted windows.
She’s not her
“That’s the point,” I said to no one in particular and opened the passenger side door. Acoustic guitars and faint female vocals greeted me as I sat in the passenger seat. No bass. No hard lyrics. Nothing to disguise what I really was, nothing to keep the Devil fed. The voices in my head celebrated. I swallowed as I situated myself into the leather seat. She was parked in the almost vacant parking lot behind Bellows that was reserved for the businesses next door. The cool air of her A/C calmed my nerves, and I leaned back resting my head onto the plush seat.
We didn’t talk at first and just listened to the music. After a while, my voices grew bored of mocking me, and I was able to relax and actually enjoy the sound of my own breathing, of hers, nervous with anticipation.
“Do you like working with your brothers?” Kate’s voice was small as she turned and faced me, her head still resting on the seat. Her mouth pulled into a grin as I met her stare.
“Sometimes.” I chuckled and I almost didn’t recognize it. The words felt fuzzy and I licked my lips. Kate’s eyes fell to my mouth and my pulse quickened.
“I work retail over at The Gateway Mall. Very respectable place called Victoria’s Secret, you might have heard of it?” Her lips pulled wide into a warm smile.
“A job is a job.”
It was her turn to lick her lips and I briefly wondered what she would taste like. Would the gloss of her lips be sticky on mine, was it flavored?
She laughed and turned her head forward to look out the windshield. I thought we were going back to the silent waiting game, but instead she spoke softly about the little incidentals of her life. She started off telling me about her love for comic book movie remakes and bad Chinese food. She told me about the time a customer’s husband propositioned her in the dressing room. She told me how she hated living alone, and how she thought for sure she’d be in L.A. by now, acting, doing something more than wasting away in her one-room apartment. She told me about high school, how she had been a cheerleader with a bad reputation, the reputation that had followed her to the shitty community college she tried to attend every other semester. I was the wrong brother in the car. She was coming clean about the disappointments of her life, and it should have been Kieran who was here to receive her confession.
She turned her head to look at me again. Her cheek against the leather seat. Her eyes seemed glassy, either from tears, or her previous drinks. “My life isn’t what it was supposed to be.”
“It never is.” My body tensed as she reached across the console and rested her hand on my thigh.
“Truth or Dare?” she asked with a flirty smile, and the heat of her palm on my leg soaked through my jeans and stirred awake the man inside the lost places of my mind.
“Truth,” I answered.
“I do things, Declan, things I shouldn’t, to feel better about myself. I’m tired of being alone.”
So was I.
The rise and fall of her chest drew my eyes to the low dip of her dress. My fingers ached to touch her. Something coiled inside my gut and all I wanted to do was tell her something real. Confess to her as she had to me. The air felt thin as I said, “I’m tired of waiting. Waiting to feel something. Waiting to burn. Waiting to fucking fall apart.” I swallowed as her eyes locked on mine. They were bright as the first light of morning as she eased her body across the center console of the car.
My eyes on her mouth, my head full of the white noise of hope as I readied myself to kiss her. Kate. I’d only kissed maybe five girls in my lifetime and, as her lips met mine, the white noise parted and allowed the expectant quiet to bathe the space between us. She moaned a delicate breath as her hands wrapped into my hair. My hands found her hips as she moved onto my lap. Her skirt hitched up as she situated herself above me, straddling me. I placed my hand on the warmth of her thighs as she licked my bottom lip. She tasted like beer, and the plastic flavor of her gloss coated my tongue as I deepened the kiss with a groan. She rocked her hips against me and I hardened beneath her.
She’s not her, and she’s not for you.
She’s dirty, can’t you see her shadows.
Don’t stop.
Stop.
Don’t stop.
The pain of my arousal made my stomach contract as she moved her body along mine. Tortured. Wound up. Heated breaths and lost words drove the need I’d buried for so long. The whispers in my head grew louder. Urging me to feel, urging me to stop, the conflict flared inside me with an angry flame, and I gripped her hip harder than I should have with one hand as the other moved down past her skirt. It had bunched along her waist and her black underwear was visible. My thumb trailed just under the seam and Kate whimpered against my lips. She leaned back and dropped her hooded eyes as she pulled at my belt and quickly undid the button of my jeans.
What am I doing?
You’re Feeling. You’re burning.
Kate’s clammy hands wrapped around me and my jaw clenched.
She’s dirty.
She moved her thumb over the head of my dick and I groaned. I closed my eyes and tried to push away the guilt as she worked her hands up and down. The bile crept up my throat and I gripped her wrist. My eyes opened and instead of the light blue I had prayed for every night, the deep color of soil gazed back at me. The mud of a grave. There was no hope in her… she was full of shadows and the gray light of da
wn was just an illusion sick with the perversion of her truth.
Stop.
Stop.
“Stop.” I was breathless as I ceased the motion of her coercive hands with my own.
She leaned forward and brought her lips to my ear. “Are you not having fun?” Her teeth scraped at the lobe and it set my jaw on edge. The whispers turned to laughter.
“I need to go.”
“Okay.” She drew out the word, annoyed as she lifted her body and maneuvered back to the driver side of the car.
I fumbled with my pants and belt as I pulled myself back together with trembling fingers. The muscles in my arms flexed as I fisted my hands at my side once I’d finished, once I’d realized what I had allowed to happen. The whiskey had turned sour and my head was hammering out every vile thought.
You would have fucked her in a car. You want to. You need to.
I shook my head and mashed my molars together to stop from arguing with myself out loud.
“I thought you were into me?” She was hurt, angry. Kate pulled at the hem of her dress trying to make it longer, trying to cover up her shame.
“I’m sorry… I-I told you before I wasn’t—”
“Available, yeah, I know, but—”
I opened the door. “Trust me, Kate…” I stepped out of the SUV and rested my hands on the frame of the car as I leaned down and looked her in the eyes one last time. “I’m… I’m sparing you.”
She rolled her eyes. “From what?”
“From me.” I leaned back and dropped my hands from the car. I didn’t look at her when I shut the door. I didn’t turn to watch her laugh at me, at my lack of courage, or my sad, fucked-up excuses. I didn’t look to see if what I’d said had affected her at all, and I didn’t care, because there was nothing I could do about it anyway. I belonged to Paige, and as I neared the familiar beat of Bellows, the phantom feeling of Kate’s fingers evaporated. I was able to concede that seeing Paige again, even though it had pulled me back into the underworld of my own mind, had me feeling something other than despair. When I saw myself reflected in her eyes again, I was more than just a mirrored image of placid calm and cooled aggression. I was fire and want and rage.
Possession Page 7
