by Various
He would relinquish all thoughts of having any sort of relationship with Alice and hire her to look after them instead.
What was more, his trip to the village would be the perfect way to find out if it was the right decision.
‘Billy says he thinks we should be able to get into the village, on horseback,’ he said. ‘So we will be going to fetch provisions.’ Only yesterday, he’d never have dreamed of letting his children out of his sight for as much as five minutes. But now it was essential he saw their reaction. And it was just as he’d expected. Harry went stony-faced, then gathered Izzy on to his lap. But then, tellingly, he inched closer to Alice. Because he trusted her. ‘Is there anything,’ he said through the choked-up feeling in his throat, ‘in particular you would like us to get, if we are able?’
Susan told him a dozen or more things she’d like. But Alice wouldn’t even look at him, let alone ask him for a favour. Had he ruined everything by giving in to his need to kiss her last night? Fortunately, he’d managed to rein back and retreat in good form, before taking things too far, though it had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. She’d tasted so sweet. Like hope.
But he had no right to hope for anything from that quarter. Even if he hadn’t decided it would be wrong, her behaviour today had been easy enough to interpret. It was as if she’d retreated behind invisible ramparts.
* * *
Surprisingly, Billy’s prediction that a horse could get through to the village proved correct. They managed to purchase a capon, plus a few extras which would make the Christmas Day meal something special. Although, from the smells emanating from the kitchen when they returned, some special baking had already been taking place.
‘That’s a lovely treat to come home to, after an afternoon spent foraging,’ said Captain Grayling, sniffing the air appreciatively. ‘Is that gingerbread?’ He went over to the plates set out on the kitchen table, piled with a variety of creations that had clearly been made by his children. Many of them were just blobs which looked as though they’d oozed across the baking tray. On another plate was a pile of star-shaped biscuits that were charred round the edges. He took one item from each plate and devoured them with relish, while his children beamed up at him with delight. ‘Thank you, Harry,’ he said, ruffling the boy’s hair, which had streaks of flour in it. ‘Thank you, Izzy,’ he said, dropping a kiss on the crown of her head.
‘And thank you, Alice,’ he said, turning to her with an intense look, ‘for making this Christmas such a happy one for my children.’
‘It isn’t Christmas yet,’ she protested.
‘In this kitchen it is,’ he said firmly. ‘There is more of Christmas here than anywhere I’ve ever been. And it’s down to you.’
Chapter Seven
He’d never forget the look on Harry’s face when he crawled out of his tent on Christmas morning.
‘Presents, Izzy,’ he’d gasped. ‘We’ve got Christmas presents!’
Jack watched Izzy fall instantly in love with her black-haired doll and its gaudy satin dress. And Harry didn’t care that the sword lying there was a crude thing, lashed together with old bits of twine. He just wanted to take it to the breakfast table so he could show it to Billy.
The moment breakfast was done, Billy armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and challenged Harry to a duel. When the two boys dashed outside, Izzy squirmed in the Captain’s lap, wanting to follow them.
‘Shall we join the boys outside,’ he asked Alice, ‘and carry on working on the snowman we started yesterday?’
She shook her head. ‘It isn’t fair to leave all the work to Susan,’ she said primly, gesturing to the sink where the girl was preparing vegetables.
Which answer convinced him he’d made the right decision. She was a hard-working girl with strong ethics, who’d never consent to becoming any man’s mistress.
* * *
She reinforced her position throughout the day by busying herself with a variety of chores which effectively kept him at bay.
Even when he volunteered to help with clearing up after the Christmas dinner, hoping he could get her alone in the scullery, she enlisted the others, too.
‘If we all do a little, the work will be done faster, then we can all go out sledging,’ she said firmly.
Even with them all doing their part, the sun was getting low in the sky by the time they reached a suitable slope beyond the stable yard, armed with a variety of serving trays.
‘You are going to be in trouble with the family when they return,’ he observed, as Harry trudged back up the hill with the badly dented tin tray on which he’d just slid down it, tucked under his arm.
She shrugged. ‘I’m going to be in trouble anyway, for a lot of things, so one more misdeed doesn’t seem to matter all that much. Not when you count it against the fun your children are having.’
‘You may as well be hung for a sheep, as a lamb?’
She smiled. ‘Something like that.’
For the first time that day she seemed to have forgotten about the dangerously fierce attraction sparking between them. Or perhaps she regarded the presence of the children, sliding down the hillside beneath them, as sufficient chaperonage. It was true that kissing was out of the question, in full view of so many other people. But there was nothing to stop him from speaking to her. He wasn’t likely to get a better chance to put his proposition to her. Not given the fact she was so determined to avoid being alone with him again. So he cleared his throat.
‘What if I could offer you a way to escape censure altogether? To escape...everything?’
She frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean...’ He drew in a deep breath and took the plunge. ‘I would like you to come with me when I leave.’
* * *
‘Do you really mean that?’ She could hardly believe it.
‘Yes. You are so good for my children. I have never seen them so happy. So...normal. When I went to visit the home of my late wife’s family, I planned only to inform everyone that I was back in England, and that I was on my way to visit my new property, to ensure it was habitable, before returning for my children with a nurse in tow. For what do I know of caring for children? I’m a soldier. Have been on active service all my adult life. But when I saw how...crushed they were, I simply couldn’t leave them there. I snatched them up and took them out into that snowstorm.’ His face twisted with guilt. ‘Exposed them to danger.’
‘You didn’t mean to.’
‘Nevertheless, it just goes to prove that I need help in caring for them. When I reach my new house I’m not going to have much time to devote to them. I will have so much to learn about my new duties. Estate management and so forth. But I don’t want to leave them in the care of yet more strangers. I want you.’
So she hadn’t been mistaken in comparing the way he’d been looking at her, to the way Uncle Walter sometimes looked at the collection plate as it passed through his hands in church. A sort of frustrated covetousness.
As though he wanted her, but was fighting it.
Well, he wasn’t fighting it any longer. He reached out and lightly touched her hands, which she had clasped over her waist. ‘You are so good for them,’ he said. ‘You have a way with them. You seem to know instinctively what they need. And they trust you.’
Her cheeks heated with pleasure at the compliment. ‘Thank you.’
‘So will you come with us? And look after them for me?’
What a strange way to propose. Though, since he was so determined to be a good father, she supposed it was natural for him to stress how important it was to him that she would be a good mother.
‘You can even hire another nursery maid if you like,’ he rushed on, while the shock of his proposal kept her speechless. ‘I wouldn’t want them to be too much of a burden.’
‘Wh
at?’ Another nursery maid? A cold sensation gnawed at the pit of her stomach. He wasn’t proposing marriage at all. All he wanted was staff for his new home. He was trying to recruit her, the way he’d recruited Billy. Why hadn’t she seen this coming? It was the way everyone saw her. Even Aunt Minnie had only become reconciled to her presence about the house when Uncle Walter had pointed out that she would save them the expense of hiring a lady’s maid for Ruth and Naomi.
‘I know it will be hard for you to up and leave your home—’ he said, while she was still gasping for breath at the hurt lodged under her breastbone, wondering how she could have been such an idiot. For why would a man as handsome and experienced as Captain Grayling ask a plain, dowdy girl like her to marry him? ‘—with someone you have only known a matter of days, but your wages would reflect that.’
‘My...my wages?’ So it was true, then. He wanted only to employ her as a nursery maid.
‘Yes.’ He frowned at her, as though baffled by her lack of enthusiasm. ‘I am prepared to be generous. I will double whatever you are paid for your services here.’
A slightly hysterical laugh burst from her lips. All he could double would be the amount of humiliation she experienced every day, serving other people while never quite being one of the family.
‘Triple it, then!’ He looked downright annoyed with her now.
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ she snapped. ‘You cannot triple nothing.’
‘What?’
‘Nothing. Which is what I am paid here. I am fed and clothed and housed, for which I am expected to be grateful.’
‘Like Billy?’
‘No!’ She retreated a pace, removing her hands from his touch. ‘Thank you very much for your offer of employment as a nursery maid,’ she said, lifting her chin. ‘But I am afraid I must decline.’
‘What? But...they need you. I thought you cared about them.’
‘I do.’ She would have loved them as if they were her own if he’d given her the chance. But he only saw her as a nurse, not their mother. Never his wife.
‘But...not enough, as it turns out.’ She wouldn’t be able to bear seeing him every day, remembering the way he’d made her feel when he’d kissed her and wondering why he hadn’t wanted to do it again. She briefly raised her hand to her mouth, which was quivering with pain. ‘Not nearly enough.’
* * *
Christmas lost its magic for Alice after that. As if to mirror her mood, it started to rain, so they all had to return to the house and stay indoors.
As they walked back inside, she decided that the kiss must have been more her doing than his. She’d probably made him think she was a bit fast, that first day, the way she’d ogled him. Twice. And once while he’d been naked and shivering, at that. Of course he’d thought she was amenable to...dalliance. At least he’d been a gentleman about it. At least he’d drawn back and not started pestering her in an unseemly manner when he realised she wasn’t that kind of girl after all.
And at least he’d explained exactly what he’d been proposing before she’d done anything rash like flinging herself into his arms and saying that, yes, of course she’d marry him. At least she’d escaped with some shreds of dignity intact.
Even so, the way he kept on scowling at her made her feel as though she’d let him down.
In his opinion, she probably had.
All he’d been trying to do was provide for his children. And she couldn’t fault him for that.
Nevertheless, she had to draw on every ounce of pride she possessed to prevent anyone from noticing that he’d just casually crushed her, by forcing her to face the fact that he wasn’t interested her in a romantic way. She made herself carry out her duties around the house as though nothing was amiss. She sang along with Christmas carols which no longer had the power to lift her spirits. And organised silly games for the children to make them laugh, when it felt as though her insides were scraped raw. And finally, she sat at the kitchen table with them all and tried to eat a supper for which she had no appetite.
And then, to crown it all, after Captain Grayling had put his children to bed, then stalked through the kitchen on his way to the stables without deigning to look at her at all, Susan and Billy began to fight over who was going to do the dishes.
‘I need to help with the horses,’ he said, making for the back door.
‘No, you don’t. There’s two of them out there already. And you’re the scullion while Mrs H. is away and I’m the cook!’
‘Well, that’s where you’re wrong,’ said Billy defiantly, slapping his cap on his head. ‘When they leave, I’m going with them. Captain Grayling is going to give me a job in his stables. For wages. So there!’
Susan gaped at the door after he’d gone through it. Then tears started streaming down her cheeks.
‘He’s leaving,’ she gasped. ‘I’ll be all on me own.’
Since Alice knew exactly how she felt, she broke with tradition by going to her and putting her arm about her shoulders.
‘You could come, too,’ said Captain Grayling’s voice, from the back door. He was standing there, hat in hand, regarding them coldly. ‘I will have need of someone to help me care for the children on the road. And when we arrive. And Alice doesn’t want the job.’
His words stabbed her to the heart. Not only did he not care for her in a romantic way, but now it seemed she was replaceable as a nurse to his children, too.
‘You’ve asked her to go with you to care for your children?’ Susan’s shock at hearing this piece of news was so great she stopped crying at once.
‘Yes,’ Alice confirmed bitterly. ‘For the most generous wages, too.’
‘But, but...’ Susan’s eyes flicked from one to the other in what looked like desperation. ‘If I go, then you will be here all on your own.’
‘Until the family return,’ Alice agreed. And then, because she could see how desperately Susan wanted to follow Billy, she added, ‘If you want the job, you should take it. You are never likely to receive another offer as good. You mustn’t worry about me. It’s not as if you will be leaving until the weather clears, is it? And by then, Mrs H. might be on her way back, even though the house party at Caldicott Abbey might not have broken up.’
‘Caldicott Abbey?’ Captain Grayling gave her a strange look. ‘Are the family that own this house attending a house party at Caldicott Abbey?’
‘Yes. Why do you ask?’
‘Because that was where I was headed. To spend Christmas with my friends there. Not that it matters now, I don’t suppose.’
‘No,’ said Alice coolly.
‘What does matter,’ he continued, ‘is that your local weather prophet, Jem, just dropped into the stables, with the prediction that the weather will be propitious for travelling tomorrow. So, Miss Susan, you will need to make your mind up swiftly. If you wish to help me get my children to their new home and have a job with me looking after them, you will need to be ready to leave in the morning.’
With one last scathing look at Alice, he turned and left the kitchen.
* * *
It rained all night. By morning most of the snow round the house had turned into ugly grey slush.
Christmas was well and truly over.
Just like her brief interlude with Captain Grayling and his children.
* * *
The Captain couldn’t wait to leave. He had the children up before the sun rose, and ordered Hopkins to get the horses saddled before they’d even finished breakfast.
‘Be ready to leave in ten minutes,’ he snapped at Susan, as he put on his coat.
‘Ten minutes! But what about the dishes?’ Susan cried, gesturing to the wreckage of the breakfast table.
‘I will see to them,’ said Alice.
Harry paused in the act of buttoning up his own coat. ‘Aren’t you
coming with us?’
She shook her head, unable to speak for the tears clogging her throat. To make matters worse, Harry rushed over to give her a brief, but fierce hug.
‘I wish you were coming with us,’ he said.
‘So do I,’ Alice managed to say, before kissing his forehead.
Captain Grayling gave her a look loaded with scorn before gathering up his party and marching them out of the back door.
Leaving Alice alone.
And broken.
Chapter Eight
Captain Grayling hoisted Harry on to the front of the horse on which Billy was already mounted, trying to ignore the look on his face. As though he’d caught him drowning a sack full of kittens. As though it was his fault they were leaving Alice behind. As though he’d made her look as if someone had just dealt her a mortal blow. Well, it wasn’t his fault! He’d asked her to come with them and she’d refused. And that was that.
Hopkins, meanwhile, was trying to persuade a protesting Izzy on to the second horse and into Susan’s arms. But since Susan was sobbing, Izzy kept right on reaching for Harry. When Susan eventually gripped her hard enough to prevent her getting her way, Izzy began to wail.
‘Some nursemaid you are,’ said Billy scornfully. ‘We haven’t even got out of the yard and you’ve made your charge cry.’
‘It ain’t my fault,’ Susan protested.
Jack was inclined to agree. He blamed Alice. Her absence was casting a pall over the entire party. If she’d only agreed to come as well, they’d all be chatting and laughing, instead of sobbing and bickering.
By the time they reached the bottom of the hill down which his children had been sledging the day before, he’d had enough. He brought the miserable cavalcade to a halt.
‘If you don’t stop this at once,’ he said to his newest servants, ‘you can get down and walk.’
They fell silent at once. Neither of them had stout boots and the ground was thick with muddy slush.
