She shook her head no.
What a terrible thing for one so young to have been keeping inside. No wonder she was so sullen and haunted. Kathryn better pray I never run into her. “Darlin’, your dad loves you very much, and so do I.”
Emmy looked up at me in the darkened room. I could barely make out her face. “Do you really love me?”
I wiped away her tears while my own streamed down my face at a furious pace. I did love this little girl. I never meant to. “Very much.”
She hugged me with a fierceness I had never felt before. “I love you, too. I wish you were my mom.”
So did I. I held her close to me and hummed a lullaby.
We didn’t say any more. What else could be said? I sat there with her in my arms, deep in thought. For so many years I imagined Easton and Kathryn living out my dreams and hopes together. I cursed them on a regular basis in my head. I had especially loathed Easton for my perception of him loving Emmy more than Ashley. Now I see he was only protecting her. Kathryn was worse than I ever imagined.
Well, after Emmy fell back asleep I was wide awake. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to sleep after that revelation. I knew I needed to talk to Easton. Emmy needed professional help. She and I both had parental issues to work through.
I extracted myself from Emmy, making sure not to wake her up and tucked her back in. For now, she was sleeping peacefully. I even saw a smile on her face as I got out of bed. The Oreos were calling my name. I knew I would regret it, but sometimes cookies were good for the soul. And after that bombshell, I figured I’d earned it.
I tiptoed to the kitchen and found the package near the fridge, right where Easton had left it. I poured myself a glass of skim milk and grabbed the package of cookies before heading toward the leather couch in the great room. I set the cookies and milk on the distressed wood coffee table and wrapped up in a quilt that had been lying on the couch.
I opened the plastic container of cookies. I took one out and stared at it briefly, trying to convince myself one cookie wasn’t going to kill me. I dunked the chocolate cookie in the ice cold milk and let the milk penetrate it, but took it out before it was soggy. I hesitated before I took a bite. When the cookie touched my lips there was no turning back. My mouth had a mind of its own, and before I knew it, I was sighing and chewing, savoring the delicious guilt in my mouth.
When I went to grab my second cookie, I noticed it was raining outside. I hoped it stayed light. I knew Easton said there was a possibility, but he reassured Ashley the tent would keep them safe and dry. Regardless, I was happy to be out of the elements. Even happier that I had cookies to go along with it. Not happy, though, about Emmy and how screwed up our lives seemed.
By the fifth cookie, not only was I mentally swearing at Easton for buying the blasted things, but the rain had become a downpour with lightning and thunder. I began to worry and thought I should go tell them to come inside, but I knew Easton knew what he was doing. At least I hoped.
After a loud crash of lightning, my motherly instincts were overruling the fatherly ones. I was going out to get my baby. I had stood up to do just that when the front door slid open. Ashley ran in from under the cover of her dad’s poncho. She looked surprised to see me standing near the couch, but ran to me all the same.
I pulled her to me and rubbed her back. “Are you okay, love?”
“The tent started to leak and I swear the lightning hit right by the tent.”
I looked over to Easton who was now standing at the opposite end of the couch from us. His grinned and shook his head slightly.
“Why don’t you go crawl into bed with Emmy; I’ll be there in a bit.” I wanted to talk to Easton about Emmy. Maybe two in the morning wasn’t the best time, but I couldn’t go back to sleep until I talked it over with him. Besides, I was on a sugar high. I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell my clients next week to empty their pantries of all junk food with a straight face.
Ashley gave me one last squeeze before trotting off to the bedroom. “Goodnight,” she yawned.
“Goodnight,” Easton and I said together.
Before I could say anything or hide my fall off the health food wagon, Easton looked at the opened package of Oreos and half-full glass of milk. “Looks like you’ve been busy in here. I knew you couldn’t resist.”
I looked at him standing there in his gray sweat pants and t-shirt. His hair was mussed up, but it didn’t do anything to detract from how handsome he was. “It’s been a rough night,” I admitted, or maybe said in my defense.
His brow crinkled. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”
“I probably will be since I ate all those cookies, but no. I know it’s late, but we need to talk.”
He didn’t hesitate. He sat down on the couch and invited me to do the same. When I sat down, I noticed how much leg my nightshirt showed, and so did Easton.
“You have great legs.”
“Thanks,” I whispered. I tucked my legs under myself. We both leaned back against the couch and faced each other. We were probably too close, but I liked the way it made me feel. I looked at the bedroom door to make sure it was closed before I spoke in hushed tones. “Emmy had a nightmare tonight.”
His face dropped to the floor. “Not again. I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t apologize, I’m not upset she woke me up, I’m upset at what she told me.”
Easton’s eyes widened and his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. “What did she say?”
I grabbed the quilt before I answered and laid it across me. I needed a security blanket. I also, with some hesitation, reached out and took Easton’s hand. I knew I would want the comfort if someone was dropping a bomb on me. I could see the worry in his eyes. “Easton, Emmy—” I took a deep breath and let it out. “Emmy heard you and Kathryn fight.”
Easton’s eyes widened more.
“She heard her mom tell you that she didn’t want her and never did. She thinks her mom doesn’t love her and that the only reason Kathryn had her was so you wouldn’t leave her. She’s terrified of her mother.”
He held onto my hand like a vice while running his free hand across his face and hair. “I didn’t know she heard us. I thought she was sleeping. I tried not to fight in front of her. I tried to protect her.”
“I’m sure you did. Easton, I know you don’t want to hear this, but Emmy needs counseling. She needs help dealing with this.”
Easton’s eyes misted over. “I know. I haven’t wanted to admit it. I thought if Kathryn left, I could make everything right. I screwed everything up.”
“Emmy knows you love her. Everything will be all right. It’s just going to take some time.”
“I hope so,” he said, unsure.
“Easton, can I ask why? Why her?” I was also kind of asking why not me?
He looked up to the beamed ceiling, and when he closed his eyes, I saw moisture roll down his cheeks. I had only seen him cry the day we first saw Ashley on ultrasound and the day she was born, but those were tears of happiness, not the thick streaks of despair that rolled down his cheeks now. It made my own eyes water. My heart ached for him.
After several silent minutes, he looked back down at me with steely determination in his now red eyes. He let go of my hand and rested it on my cheek where he rubbed his thumb gently across it. His hand felt warm and I leaned into it.
“Taylor, I swear to you, it started off innocent, at least on my part. I was stressed, and she was a sounding board. I felt underappreciated, like all I ever did was disappoint you that last year we were together. She listened to me. I thought she understood where I was coming from and how difficult it was to start a practice. She stroked my ego and let it be all about me. And when you left, she comforted me. She made me believe you would realize the mistake you made and come home. She let it be all about me,” he repeated.
“Is that what you wanted?”
“No,” he said firmly. “I wanted my wife to come home. I wanted you to be happy again. But I was a
fool for not realizing how selfish I was being. Kathryn played right into it. I thought she was being my friend and trusted colleague, but instead she was planting seeds of doubt about you in my mind and I let them grow. I’m so sorry.” He spoke with such tenderness.
He kept stroking my cheek and I let him, even though his words were killing me.
“After I received the divorce papers, I fell apart. Instead of fighting for our marriage like I should have, I let her pick up the pieces and put them back together the way she wanted them to be. She let it be all about me until she had what she wanted all along. After the wedding, maybe even while we were engaged, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And you know why we had Emmy.”
“Does Kathryn,” I whispered, “really not love her?”
“Kathryn loves no one, including herself. She is the most miserable person I know. She’s a manipulator. Unfortunately, I was blind to it at first.”
“Easton, I’m sorry I left. I didn’t want to be like my mom. I wasn’t going to let a man walk all over me and cheat on me.”
“I wasn’t cheating on you,” he whispered.
“I know, but you … you were …”
He leaned in closer. “I wasn’t being the man you deserved or the man I promised you I would be. And now here you are, still being more than I deserve. I’m sorry I came on so strong when you moved here, but I’ve known for a long time that Emmy needs help and you’re the best mother I know. I wanted both of my daughters to have that. Emmy didn’t deserve the mother I gave her.”
“No, she didn’t,” I agreed.
He scooted closer and I felt electricity surge through me. It was like the Oreos—in my head, I knew I shouldn’t even open the package, because once I did I wouldn’t be able to resist. I wouldn’t want to.
“When I see how you love both of my daughters, I feel the full weight of my mistakes. You were, and still are, the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m sorry I lost sight of that. I’m sorry I let you go.”
“You shouldn’t say things like that,” I pleaded.
He closed the distance between us until he held my face in both of his hands. I could feel his warmth breath against my skin.
“Why?” he whispered against my lips.
“Easton we—” I said breathless before his warm lips covered mine. I stopped thinking about why we shouldn’t. I could only think about him and his body pressed against mine as he kissed me tenderly and deeply. I remembered how much I missed being held in his arms. He tasted and felt exactly how I remembered. I pulled him closer to me as he kissed his way down my neck and settled in there. I loved nothing more than to be kissed on my neck and he did it perfectly. He used the lightest of touches, but I could feel every part of his lips against my skin. I ran my fingers through his hair and sighed loudly. My whole body and soul missed him, wanted him.
His lips found mine again, but this time his kiss was hungry. His tender lips were now urgent as he kissed me deeper. His hand slid down my body and touched my bare thigh. He groaned and it brought me to my senses.
I pushed him away and caught my breath. I felt like I had finished running a 5k. “Easton, we can’t do this,” I said in between catching my breath.
He grinned and moved back toward me. He brushed my lips once more. “Why? Are you seeing someone?” He hovered above my lips, waiting to go in for another kiss.
I placed my hand against his chest, ready to stop him though every part of me wanted him to keep kissing me. “You know if I was the whole town would already be talking about it.”
“Perfect. I’m not seeing anyone either.”
He made his move, but I made myself push back. His eyes, while passionate, also showed delight at my actions.
“Easton, we’re divorced.”
He laughed low. “I’m glad you cleared that up.”
I pushed him away and sat back up. “I’m serious. We shouldn’t be doing this.”
He sat back up, too, but stayed close and took up my hand. “I’m sorry if I got carried away with you. I’ll keep my hands more to myself.”
“It’s not that.”
He raised his eyebrow seductively. “Then what? Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t be together?”
I swallowed hard and choked down my tears. “Because I didn’t move here to fall right back into your arms. I moved here so I could finally get over you.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I was so glad to be home. I knew it was going to be a weekend I would never forget.
Ashley and I each unpacked in our separate rooms. It was a pretty quiet car ride home. Easton allowed Ashley to text Spencer, and Emmy, still exhausted, slept. That left Easton and I taking turns glancing at one another. We were at odds with one another. We had spent the whole night arguing after our brief but indulgent trip through memory lane. There was no denying we had feelings for each other, and physically we connected like we had never been apart, but you don’t go from being divorced for almost fourteen years to being … What did you call people at our age that dated? Whatever it was, we weren’t doing it.
Easton had apparently been thinking about reconciling for some time. He had a laundry list of reasons of why we should and could be together. He started with the fact that neither one of us ever got over the other. I had mistakenly confessed that to him. He ended with, “Taylor, this is our chance to make it right, to start over again but this time better. You are the woman I want to share my life and children with. Let me prove to you that I can be the man I always promised I would be. We can take it slow, just give me—us—a chance. Please,” he begged.
He made a compelling case, but we both admitted it wouldn’t be easy and there were children involved, which made it more complicated and riskier. I wasn’t going to put Ashley or Emmy through a breakup. And I still planned on moving back to Birmingham. Easton offered to sell his part of the practice and move back with me if it all worked out. I couldn’t think like that. He was already thinking about forever and I was thinking never.
After I started a load of laundry that smelled like campfire, I sat on my bed staring at the plank wood floor. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I needed a vacation to get over our getaway.
Ashley popped in and plunked herself right down next to me. I leaned my head against hers. “Hi, love. Did you get all unpacked?”
She nodded against my head. “Momma?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you and Dad mad at each other?”
I thought about it. I wouldn’t say we were mad. “No, darlin’,”
“Good. Because I like it when we are all together and so does Emmy. Aaaaand—” she drew out the word forever.
“And what?”
“Dad loves you,” she blurted out.
“What makes you say that?”
“He told me.”
I pulled my head up and looked at her flushed face. “When?”
“Saturday night before we fell asleep we were talking about you, and Dad was saying how much Emmy loved you and how happy he was that we moved back here. He told me about the first time that he saw you, how it was love at first sight for him, and he still feels that way every time he looks at you. He kept saying how sorry he was he ever let us go.”
I could hear the emotion in her voice.
“Honey, you know that even if two people love each other it doesn’t mean that they should be together, right?”
She wiped at her eyes and looked at me squarely. “Do you still love him?”
I reached up and ran my hand across her beautiful smooth cheek. “He gave me you, and for that, I will always love him.”
She smiled, but it was subdued. “But what about him?”
“It’s complicated,” I sighed. “Just know that your dad and I will always love you and be there for you and Emmy.”
I meant that. Ashley and Emmy deserved that. For them, I would get over myself and place myself in Easton’s life—as a friend and co-parent—even though I knew how diffic
ult it would be. I told Easton the same thing, and though he accepted the offer, he wanted more.
I had tried to explain to him that was only the oxytocin and dopamine making him feel that way. Like Jessie and Rachel, he laughed at my hypothesis, then said, “Do you think so little of me or yourself? I’m a doctor—I get the science of it all— but the way I feel for you is real. Please don’t discount that.”
I wanted to discount it because I didn’t want to deal with it. I meant what I said. I came here to get over him. I came to deal with my demons, not jump into their arms. Though I did love being in his arms. It was always different with him. No one had ever made me feel so alive or wanted.
That brochure was hands down the falsest piece of advertising there ever was. I never expected this.
***
I was usually a little down about the first day of school, but this year I welcomed it. I welcomed routine and anything to take my mind off Easton, who wasn’t going to let us go without a fight. Where was this Easton fourteen years ago? It’s not like he was stalking me, but he made it clear he wanted a second chance.
I was doing my best to keep it at the co-parent and friends only level, right down to packing lunches for both Ashley and Emmy. I even did Emmy’s hair the first day of school, then we took pictures of both girls before Ashley headed off for her first day. Emmy ran inside to check her hair one more time.
My eyes misted as I watched Ashley drive off. I missed the days where I got to hold her hand and walk her to her classroom. Where had the time gone?
Easton, taking some liberty, kissed my cheek as we stood on the front porch together watching our daughter go. “You’ve done a good job with her.”
I shook my head at him. He knew he was pushing the limits.
“Do you want to take Emmy to school with me?” he asked.
I did, but … “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
For a second, his eyes narrowed in frustration, but he quickly recovered. “We shouldn’t care what people think.”
“If I go with you, it would suddenly become all about us. Emmy doesn’t deserve that. Today is all about her.”
Taylor Lynne: The Women of Merryton - Book Two Page 24
