by Chapple, GL
I’d been crying so hard that I hadn’t realised the door to my room had opened until I felt the bed dip and the scent of him reached my nostrils. I gulped, trying to swallow my sobs as I screwed my eyes shut. It was stupid to try and pretend that I’d been doing anything other than crying my heart out since I’d clearly woken him with my hysterics.
He spoke softly, as if he was scared to start me off again. “Mads, talk to me! What’s happened?” I tried to wave him away, not trusting myself enough to attempt to speak. Marcus caught hold of my hand and squeezed it. “I’m not going anywhere until you look at me and tell me you’re alright.”
I took a deep, shuddering breath, then another, before pushing the duvet further back and pulling myself slightly more upright. I raised my face to meet his, cringing at how awful I must look.
“I’m alright. I’m sorry I woke you.” I mumbled, embarrassment making my cheeks flush red, which simply added to the mess that I found myself in.
He reached across and wiped my cheek with the pad of his thumb, “You’re not alright,” he said simply, pulling the duvet away from me and slipping in beside me.
I gasped, stunned by his action but, at the same time, wanting nothing more than for him to hold me. He twisted me to the side and pulled me in close to him, my back pressed tightly to his front. His warm breath tickled my neck, and his arm was heavy, draped over my side, but, for the first time in a long while, I finally felt at peace.
Neither of us spoke for a long time. I thought that Marcus might have drifted off to sleep, but, when my breathing had regulated back to normal, he repeated, quietly, “What happened?”
I shrugged in his arms, and he sighed, softly kissing the back of my head. “Talk to me, Mads. What did he do?”
My stomach flipped again but for an entirely different reason. I spoke so I wouldn’t have to think about the proximity of his lips and the fact that he’d just kissed me, albeit on the back of the head - the way a friend or parent might do, but eliciting a very different response from my body. “He didn’t do anything - somehow he doesn’t. It’s always me.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. I couldn’t blame him. I made no sense to myself.
“It’s nothing. He says he’s not cheated, I can’t remember what the message said, but he’s adamant that I’ve misread it and somehow got the wrong end of the stick.”
I swear I felt Marcus roll his eyes. He cleared his throat. “So, what’s his excuse for trying to get you pregnant?”
“No excuse. I thought that we were protected; he never actually said that we were…I just presumed…he said that he loves me. He wants me to move back in.”
“So, he has all the answers. What are you going to do?”
I sighed, feeling the tension creeping back into my body. “I don’t know.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.” I answered honestly.
Marcus’ breathing was shallower, his body tense beside me. He rolled over onto his back, pulling me with him, so that I was lying on my back beside him.
“Does he make you happy?”
I didn’t answer him, trying to decide, trying to think.
He took my silence for the answer that, in reality, it was.
“What’s going on, Maddie?”
I spoke into the darkness, able to find my voice with him in a way I hadn’t been able to with Lena. “I feel like everything is out of control. I feel as if I’m falling. It’s as if I’ve jumped, but there’s no parachute. I don’t know what’s going on. Everything feels like it’s twisting away from me, and nothing makes sense anymore, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to be on my own anymore, Marcus. I’m tired. I’m tired of being alone, of being on my own, of being the extra one and never fitting in, not having a place of my own, not belonging. I’m sick of it all…he’s offering me a place where I can belong and be loved.”
“Is he? Really? That’s not the impression I get…”
I tried to pull away from him, but Marcus held me tight. “Shh! Don’t fight me, Cinders. Get some sleep. Close your eyes and think things through tomorrow. You can’t make decisions in this state, anyway. Just please think about what you deserve, because I can assure you it’s more than this. I’ll stay if you want me too?”
I was shocked that he offered. I couldn’t expect that of him. I shook my head, moving out of his embrace. “I’m alright now, thank you.”
He held my gaze for a few moments. “You’re better than alright, Mads. You’re amazing, and don’t let anyone ever make you feel anything less. You can be lonely and feel like you don’t belong when you’re in a relationship, too. Don’t make a rash decision. If you need me, I’m here.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, taking me completely by surprise.
When he left the room, I finally released the breath I’d been holding, feeling even more confused than before.
My wet towel hit me square in the face, and I snatched it off my head, scowling at Nate. “What the fuck, bro?”
He chuckled, irritating me further. “I called you twice; not my fault you’re in a trance. What’s up?”
“Nothing.” I stood and concentrated on stuffing the towel into my bag. I knew he was watching me but refused to make eye contact. “We ready?” I called as I zipped the bag closed.
His expression was serious as he sat down again on the bench. “Tell me you haven’t.”
“Haven’t what?” I feigned ignorance, keen to get out of the changing room and into the bar area. “You know what, Marcus.” He sounded pissed off.
I finally looked at him, my own annoyance starting to peak. “What do you think I’ve done, Nate?”
“You’re distracted, and you won’t talk to me. Has something happened I should know about?”
“Maybe I’ve got nothing to say because it has fuck all to do with you! Why do you feel entitled to know every fucking detail of my life?” I snapped back at him, grabbing the bag and slamming the door as I walked out and straight into the bar area.
I sat at the first table, dumped my bag on the floor and pulled my phone out of my pocket so I wouldn’t have to look at him. Fucker could go and get the drinks. I ignored him as he walked to the table, dropped his bag beside the empty chair and went to the bar.
He came back a few minutes later with two pints then sat back in his chair studying me. “I can’t decide if it’s sexual frustration or regret that’s making you act like an arsehole - care to enlighten me?”
I grunted at him and picked up my beer. He continued to watch me, his gaze irritating me even further. He took a relaxed swig of his drink, but clearly he wasn’t going to let this go.
“Is this about Lindsay?”
I put my drink down and glared at him. “What?”
“You, acting like Maddie’s superhero, racing to the rescue. Is it about guilt for not being there for Lindsay?”
“Wow! You really do think I’m a prick, don’t you?”
“No, bro, listen…I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just…well…you never get involved. You’d move heaven and earth for Kelly, and I’m sure you’d do the same for Lena, but…I just don’t understand this. I know you and Mads are friends, but you just seem to be going above and beyond. I thought it might be guilt because you couldn’t help…” he trailed off and had the grace to look uncomfortable as I stared him down.
“She asked me to pick her up. What was I going to do? Tell her no?”
“You could have contacted me to let Lena know.”
He was right - of course he was. That would have been the sensible option…but I did want to help Maddie. I felt protective towards her…was it because I felt guilt about Lindsay’s death? Maybe that’s what it was.
I felt him staring at me again and shrugged, reaching for my drink. “She didn’t want me to. Look, Nate, I’m not gonna go there, alright? I don’t go looking for complications.” He nodded, looking slightly placated.
My mind drifted back to the memory of cradling he
r in my arms and worse still, jerking off to her wearing my t-shirt…that was not what I needed to be thinking about right now as Nate started speaking again. “Huh?”
“Have you been to visit Lindsay yet?” His question caught me off guard; going from thinking of a half-naked Maddie to Lindsay compounded the guilt that his question always brought to the surface.
“I think it’ll help,” he added quietly.
I chose to ignore him. He knew the answer to his question just from looking at me – it was the same one that I’d given him every time he’d asked me since the days following her funeral. Deciding he’d pissed me off enough he moved onto safer topics.
I was glad to finish work: I still looked for Lindsay at the station. I still expected her to pop her head around the door or appear in front of me. I missed being able to talk to her: I’d started to open up to her and then she’d left me. I was angry, hurt and completely irrational.
I had the next few days off work and had no idea how I was going to keep myself occupied.
The house was silent: clearly both Kelly and Maddie were out, which suited me. I went upstairs to have a quick wash and change my clothes, got a beer from the fridge and switched on the TV. The noise filtered through in the background, but I wasn’t really paying much attention. I stared at the TV, but my mind was elsewhere, caught up in memories of one of the last times I’d seen Lindsay.
“I know you don’t love me - that’s ok - but I still choose you.” She looked up at me from her long dark lashes as she lay underneath me on the bed. I leaned forward and kissed her, gently brushing my lips over hers.
“You can’t do that. You should do what’s right for you. I’m being selfish - I don’t want to lose you - and I do love you.” Her lips broke apart in a wide smile.
“I know you do, Marcus, but it’s not the same.”
I scowled and tried to roll off her, but she hooked her legs around my back, crossing them tightly to try and hold me in place. I could have moved and rolled us both if I’d really wanted to, but I allowed her to keep me there.
“Marcus, don’t try and bolt again. I’m your friend above all else. Don’t push me away! Your parents did a number on you - I get that - but it can’t rule your whole life. You have to allow yourself to move past this. The reason this works so well-” she pointed to us both, “is because I get you - because I know not to expect anything from you - because we have fun and I’m safe. I don’t push you, and I accept that you love me more as a friend than anything else, and despite everything – despite how much it hurts - that’s enough for me. I knew that when we started this, and I don’t regret it because, being the incredible, gorgeous and awesome chick that I am, I hope that I’ll be the catalyst for you - that you’ll finally realise that someone can love you without fucking you over…”
Except she had fucked me over! I’d told her everything - things that I hadn’t even been able to share with Nate - and she’d left me. She’d ignored Nate’s warnings, and she’d gone into a house on her own. She’d gone against her training, and she’d been bloody stupid, and I was still furious with her. I hated her. I hated her for leaving me.
I stood up, the desperate need to escape coursing through my veins, knocked back the rest of the bottle and jogged back up the stairs to change. I needed to go out.
I should have tried the gym instead of the pub.
I was drunk - not tipsy - not slightly inebriated – no - I was staggering up the path - unable to put the key in the lock – drunk.
It had been a long time since I’d managed to get myself in this state. I swear this fucking key had shrunk since I’d left the house: it was like being in Alice in Wonderland. I could hardly hold the damn thing in my hand. It dropped onto the ground, and I cursed, resting one hand against the door as I bent forward to feel about on the floor. Just as I felt the key between my fingers, the door swung open, propelling me forward, so that I landed face first at the feet of whoever opened it.
“Fuck!” I cursed before muttering quietly to myself, “Please be Kelly, please be Kelly.”
It wasn’t Kelly’s voice that responded.
“Marcus? Shit! I’m sorry, here…”
I groaned. My sister would have bitched at me and left me alone. I didn’t want Maddie seeing me like this. I didn’t want to have to deal with her and any questions she might have.
Maddie stepped forward and linked her arms under my armpits, backing away awkwardly the moment that she realised that her crotch had been practically pressed up against my face. The action made me laugh, a small chuckle that quickly turned into hysterical laughter. She looked at me warily, no doubt concerned at the prospect of letting a crazy man into the house.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were in on it” I muttered, raising myself unsteadily to my feet.
Her eyebrows drew together in confusion, “In on what?”
“You”- I waved over at her, -“being all inticicing”
It didn’t come out correctly. I’d tried to say enticing and it had come out completely wrong, but she knew what I meant. Her cheeks flamed red, and she crossed her arms over her chest, not before tugging self-consciously on the smallest pair of shorts I’d ever seen.
“Are you alright? Come on, Marcus. Let me get you a drink.”
“I think I’m good.” I muttered.
“I’ll get you water. Come on…into the kitchen with you.” She walked ahead of me, and I swayed after her, my eyes paying more attention to her arse than to where I was going.
I sat on the stool, watching as she reached up for the glass from the cupboard and filled it with water.
I was regretting coming back home and turning down the redhead at the bar. Coming home to this show was a bad idea.
‘The lady is not for fucking’ I thought to myself, or at least, I thought that I’d thought it…
“Are you updating a Thatcher quote?” She screwed up her face, making me guffaw again.
It seems I’d said it out loud.
“You…you are not to be fucked. You can put your pussy in my face or walk around in my t-shirts looking good enough to eat, but I won’t…I don’t need warnings…I wasn’t going there anyway.” I pointed my finger at her to drive my point home.
Her confused amusement had given way to shock but my brain wasn’t working quickly enough to shut the hell up. Somewhere, deep inside my alcohol-soaked brain was a small voice warning me to stop talking – sadly, it was being ignored.
She walked towards me until she was standing just in front of my open legs. “Explain that…”
“You and your…”
“Not about me! What do you mean you’re not going there? What warnings? And why are you in such a state? What’s happened?”
“That’s a lot of questions,” I drawled, needing to close one eye slightly so that I could see her properly. “Stop moving about.”
She shook her head, or at least I think she did - something moved, anyway. Then I felt the cold glass being pressed into my hand. “Drink this now.”
I lifted it to my mouth and downed the whole glass. She took it from me and refilled it then walked past me straight through to the living room and sat on the sofa, calling to me to join her. I didn’t really want to move, but the sofa did look more comfortable than the stool.
The minute I sat down, she turned to face me, her eyes narrowing and her face growing more serious. “You’d be good in an interrogation: You have a good bitch face – There’d be no messing with you!”
“Talk to me, Marcus. What the hell is going on?”
I lay my head back against the pillow, moaning as I appreciated the softness. I sank back and closed my eyes.
“What did you mean you weren’t going there? Who’s warned you about what?”
I didn’t bother opening my eyes as I responded - my eyelids were feeling too heavy now. “I’m not to have sex with you - Nate warned me. I wouldn’t anyway.”
“Well, great to know!” Her tone was thick with sarcasm.
“So, why are you in this mess? Is this about Lindsay? Has something happened?”
“Fucking hell!” I snapped my eyes open and lifted my head to look at her, “Why can’t people leave me the hell alone? Why does everything have to be about Lindsay? She fucked off and left me. Not everything has to be about her! I had a few drinks, for God’s sake! I seem to remember picking you up in the same state a little while back so climb down off your fucking…pony” That didn’t sound right.
“Horse,”
“Yeah, whatever animal! Who cares? Just climb the fuck down and leave me alone.”
“You need to let go of the anger and try to deal with the pain, Marcus.”
“I don’t need psycho-babble. I don’t need you telling me what to do. Your life is hardly picture-perfect at the moment, either.” Her face blanched, and I knew I was being an arsehole, but I was too tired to care. “Leave me alone!”
“You’ve come home, though. I guess that’s something considering the state that you’re in.”
I tried to give her a stinking look, but I’m not sure how successful it was when I had one eye screwed shut to help me focus.
“The anger is holding you back. You’ll not be able to move forward until you let go of it. Talk”-
“Seriously, Maddie, shut the hell up.” I groaned and draped my hand over my head. I really wished it had been Kelly who’d answered the door.
“Fine. Stay here, wallow and feel sorry for yourself! Tomorrow you’ll wake up and carry on going through the days, laughing when you feel you should, smiling at people even though you don’t want to, faking your emotions because, at the moment, nothing feels real. The flashes of light, brief though they are, will make you feel guilty, so you’ll cling to the anger that burns like fire. You’ll stay caught up, raging at the injustice of it, blaming Lindsay, hating the man responsible - all negative emotions that will continue to cripple you. The anger is safe, though, and it’s easy to hold onto, at least the anger makes you feel something - because without the anger you just feel numb and empty…”
