by Chapple, GL
I pulled a face, and he placed his finger on my lips, stopping me from speaking, even though I had no intention of arguing with him. His proximity was rendering me mute. I was unable to focus on anything other than the electric shocks that he’d sent racing through my body with a simple, innocent action. I was so turned on, and he’d barely touched me.
This was not good. This was the last thing that I needed.
He carried on, oblivious to my confusion and torture. “The things that have hurt you and which he’s made you associate with being damaged, they don’t! They show your strength; they let your beauty shine through. Even the most beautiful diamonds can have flaws, yet they are still one of nature’s strongest materials. Mads, showing vulnerability doesn’t make you weak - it makes you human - it makes you real. You’re not broken or damaged: you’ve picked up the pieces of yourself and you’ve created a beautiful mosaic. You give me hope.”
He leaned forward, and time stood still. I closed my eyes and waited to feel his lips on mine. I felt his hand on my cheek, and I leaned into him when I felt him place his lips on my forehead, my lips parted, and I pressed them together to stop myself embarrassing myself with a whimper or a moan.
He rubbed his thumb tenderly across my cheek before rising from the sofa and leaving me alone. I exhaled slowly and opened my eyes, rubbing my hand over my cheek where his had been just moments before.
What the hell had just happened?
“Hey! What happened yesterday?” I was met with Kelly’s smiling face as soon as I walked into the kitchen.
“What do you mean?” I asked, a little alarmed and wondering what the hell Marcus had been saying.
“Marcus was in a good mood this morning - that’s all. It’s been a while since he’s woken up on the right side of the bed. I wondered if you knew what had him so chirpy?” appearing genuinely puzzled, she looked at me for an answer.
“I don’t know,” I responded as I poured myself a glass of water - anything to keep me busy. I concentrated on drinking it as Kelly talked.
“It’s so nice to feel that I’m finally getting him back. He’s not been himself, and I’ve missed him. I know Lindsay’s death brought a lot of other things up for him, but he doesn’t like to talk about it. I’ve been worried because he asked me for something a while back, and I wasn’t sure if I’d done the right thing by giving it to him. I just want him to be able to move on, to live his life again. That’s probably selfish of me, isn’t it? It sounds like I’m thinking of myself…”
“No, of course not.”
“Anyway, how you feeling? What did you get up to yesterday?”
“Erm…I went out with Marcus.”
“You did? Where?” She looked intrigued.
“Just out for the day, we went rock climbing and to the beach.”
Her eyes almost popped out of her head, “Seriously?”
I played with my hair, feeling more awkward and uncomfortable by the minute. Was I leading Marcus on? I wasn’t ready for that, or anything like that. I liked Marcus – shit - I liked him a lot, but I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I’d literally just broken up with Christian, and, besides, I couldn’t make a relationship work. The last thing I wanted to do was mess up our friendship or hurt him anymore than he’d already been hurt.
“Maddie,” Kelly was calling my name, and I returned my attention to her,
“Sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you, or stress you out. I’m just surprised, that’s all. Marcus used to rock climb whenever he got the chance - he loved it - but he’s not done it much since…well, you know. I think it’s great you’re helping each other. I think you’ve both lost yourselves these last few months and it’ll be good to get you both back. I’m glad you had a nice day.” She smiled warmly at me and pulled me in for a quick hug before going to shower and change, leaving me alone in the kitchen with my thoughts.
Negative feelings were the easiest to hold onto: anger, hatred, resentment…they could all eat you up from the inside. You could hold onto them forever, allowing them to fester and grow inside you so that they blocked out everything else. They seemed to be a constant presence. Instead of something you needed to hold onto, they held you in a vice-like grip, and I’d been held hostage - living my life under the presence of shadows - for too long, Lindsay had shown me how different it could be – and I wanted it.
I’d meant what I’d said to Maddie about her needing a strong man to be there for her. I wasn’t in a position to be able to offer her anything at the moment – but I felt I might be - and that was enough to make me try.
I couldn’t be strong for her unless I was whole, and at the moment I still felt like humpty-fucking-dumpty. I needed to be able to deal with my past and let it go. I’d not been able to give myself completely to Lindsay, as much as I’d wanted to - and that would haunt me forever.
I wasn’t going to make that mistake with Maddie. I knew that she might not be ready to move on yet, but I’d be ready for her when she was.
The day spent with Maddie had been one of the best days that I could remember, and it was that which had spurred me into action. I wanted more days like that.
I’d woken up early and left the house before anybody else was awake. I’d entered the address into the Sat Nav and began the journey before I could change my mind. Now, nearly three hours later, I was sitting outside a house, on a street I didn’t know, watching my mother.
Her house was a terrace at the end of the street, which meant I could see into the back garden. There was only a small fence running around the property, and I was watching her hang clothes on the washing line. I’d been here for twenty minutes, watching her, and I hadn’t seen anyone else. I didn’t know if there was someone else in the house.
The thought of confronting her made my stomach churn, and I blasted myself for being such a fucking baby. I debated calling Gramps for some last minute words of wisdom, but I already knew what he’d tell me – that I was there now, that I needed to do this, and that whatever the outcome I’d have to deal with it. She went back into the house, and I knew I should move.
Sucking more air into my lungs, I blew out slowly and opened the car door. My legs felt as heavy as lead as I walked towards the front door of the house. I closed my eyes and counted to five before knocking sharply.
I heard her call from the inside and stood tall and stiff, waiting for the door to open. A moment later, she was standing in front of me. Her face scrunched up and she squinted for a moment as she stared at me before she held her hand in front of her mouth, her eyes were open wide as she gasped.
“Marcus! Oh, my God! Is that my baby boy?”
I wish I could say I got a rush of emotion, or at least that I felt something for her, but I didn’t. She’d destroyed that a long time ago. I knew how easy she found it to fake emotions, and she’d need a lot more than a warm response to win me over.
“Hi, Mum.”
She reached forward, as if she was going to hug me, but my expression must have told her that would be the wrong thing to do. She let her hands fall, pulled the door open and beckoned me inside.
“Come in, come in!” she called to me as she walked into the living room.
The house was decorated nicely; everything looked old, but it was clean and tidy. She indicated I should sit on the sofa opposite her.
“Would you like a drink? A beer? – oh, my goodness, my boy is old enough for a beer! - or maybe a cup of tea?”
“No. Thank you.”
She sat down, looking flustered now that she couldn’t keep herself busy.
“So…” She brushed her hands over her skirt.
“I wanted to speak to you, I shouldn’t have left it until now…”
“Well, you’re here now, Chip.” I saw her cringe as she said it but it was too late.
“Don’t call me that,” I snapped back at her, and sighed, “Sorry. Don’t – I don’t like that.”
Chip had been my nickname when I w
as young: everyone used to comment on how much I was like my father, and he’d always reply, “Chip off the old block,”
She smiled weakly. “That’s Ok. You’re not a little boy anymore. I never liked that anyway, just force of habit.”
I ignored her sly, barbed comment, and tried to focus on my reason for visiting her. “No, I’m not...I wanted to come for answers…to try and understand…I want to know where you’ve been…why you didn’t come back…why you didn’t take me - you’ve not even tried to stay in contact with Kelly since she left…I don’t understand.”
She shifted in her seat. “I’m not sure what you want to achieve by dragging all of this back up,”
“It’s not dragging it up,”
“It’s in the past.”
“Not for me!”
“Well, of course it is. Look, I’m not sure what we have to say to each other. I’m happy enough to see you but I don’t need any hassle. I’ll have a drink and a chat with you, but I’m not being made out to be a bad person in my own home.”
“I’m not doing that. I’m asking you to explain to me why you’ve made the decisions you have. Don’t you even feel guilty for it? For leaving me? For not even coming back when you knew I was alone? I had nobody”- I stopped and shook my head, -“I had nobody,” I repeated, looking at her and she made a show of wiping her eye.
“Well, that’s the same as me now. You’ve got Kelly back, and now I have nobody. We’re even.”
“Even…? This isn’t a game. I didn’t ask Kelly back to spite you! She’s not a piece of property or a pawn - she’s my sister and I missed her. She wanted to come and live with me, and I told her I’d always give her a home.”
“Well, then…” She crossed her arms and looked at me defiantly. “It’s all happy families then, isn’t it? I don’t see why you’re bringing all this up. What do you want? If you’ve come here just to argue, then you might as well as leave now!”
“Why did you leave?” I still pressed for details although I was beginning to wonder what the point was.
“I had a better offer. I know that probably sounds harsh, but you’re an adult, and, if you’re asking me, I’ll tell you. I didn’t love your father. I’d met someone else, and he was offering me a nicer life, so I left.”
“Why didn’t you take me? Why did you only take Kelly?” I tried not to let the hurt sound in my voice, but she didn’t catch it anyway.
“Because there wasn’t enough room for you both.” She shrugged, as if it hadn’t been one of the most pivotal moments of my life. “It wasn’t really that I preferred Kelly. Don’t think that. I just thought she’d be easier to manage - being a girl, too - but, she was a handful anyway, crying and complaining all the time.”
No doubt missing her father and her brother I thought, but I bit my tongue. “So, when he died, why didn’t you contact me?”
She sighed and looked out towards the hallway as if she were fed up already with this conversation and planning her escape. “He was dead. There was still no room here: this is a two bedroom house. Nothing could really change. We were divorced, so I wasn’t entitled to anything-”
“You were divorced?”
“I assume that’s why the stupid man did it. The papers had come through to me that week.”
“You mean he killed himself when he received the divorce papers?”
“I don’t know. He sent some spiteful letter about how he would sleep easy knowing that I had no claim on his money – as if he had money! I was advised that there was no point in me trying to challenge your right to the house.”-
I braced myself against the shock of realising that my mother had considered trying to get her hands on the house. The only thing that I had been left with, and she’d thought about trying to challenge me for it. I’d sold that house and moved, using the money to buy the property that Kelly and I lived in at the moment. Perhaps the divorce hadn’t pushed him over the edge, maybe he’d been waiting and trying to ensure that my mother would have no claim and I would be financially secure…I couldn’t think about that for now, she was still talking.
“Look, to be honest – it was a long time ago. He must have had some mental issues to kill himself – I can’t be responsible for him being weak. I’d already left him - it’s not as if I’d given him false hope.”
“How can you say those things? You really don’t care, do you?” I hissed at her, struggling to hold onto my temper at such hateful, vicious words.
“Why would I? I didn’t love him, and you saw how weak he was. No woman wants a man like that.” Her scorn was scathing. I took a deep breath, willing myself to go on, hating her more with every vile and evil response.
“Why didn’t you come back for me? You knew I had nobody, and you left me alone.”
“I told you - I had no room. Besides, honestly, it seemed like a lot of hassle. I assumed that you’d give me a hard time about leaving you behind, and I didn’t need or want that. I thought that you’d turn out like him - you always looked so much like him. I didn’t need that in my face - a constant reminder” - her nose crinkled in disgust and I clenched my hands into fists. - “besides, as I said, I didn’t have any claim on the money. I couldn’t afford to look after someone else, although - I’m surprised they paid out considering he topped himself - you got money out of it, didn’t you? It’s not as if you were left without anything.”
“I wish I’d come here years ago…”- she smiled at me but I carried on before she could interrupt. - “I wish I’d not wasted years holding onto ridiculous worries and concerns that could have been put to rest on meeting you. My father loved you. He wasn’t the greatest father and he made a lot of mistakes, but he was there”-
“Until he killed himself,” she muttered nastily.
-“he filled my head with horrible things that no child should have to hear; he made me guard my heart from evil, spiteful women like you; he tried, in his own way, to save me from his fate. But you, you’re not like Lindsay or Maddie - or, more importantly, they are nothing like you.”
I stood, and she looked at me with disdain. I didn’t bother saying anything else: there was nothing more to say. I walked out and slammed the door behind me.
I drove home with the music playing loud, unwilling to allow myself to think about the visit. I pulled up in the car park and switched the music off. Unlike last time, when I’d been reluctant to move, I now practically ran the whole way, collapsing next to her gravestone and finally allowing the tears to come.
I broke apart…heaving, racking sobs that made my body shake and my nose run. Eventually I calmed down and sat back on my heels, looking at the shiny marble in front of me.
“You always said I didn’t show enough of my emotions - that I was too closed off and shut down. Well, I think it’s safe to say the dam broke.” I sniffed and traced the outline of her name with my finger. “I went there; I spoke to her; and I have no idea why I didn’t do it earlier. How I could ever worry that you or anyone would act in such a way? She’s evil: she lacks even the most basic human emotions. I’m well rid of her. I can’t even feel upset - I mourned the loss of my mother a long time ago and she doesn’t deserve my tears. They weren’t for her - it’s because I spent so long holding back when I shouldn’t have; I should have told you every single day how much you meant to me. You should have known how important you were to me and how much I loved you. You were my catalyst - you did change me - but how am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to live and love without you? I like her - a lot - but I don’t want to - and I don’t want to like her and hurt her: she’s been hurt enough. Fuck! I miss you so much, Linds. This is so fucking hard.” I laid my head against the marble and closed my eyes.
A noise from behind startled me, and I swung around. Lindsay’s father was just a few feet away. He gave me a sad smile and I quickly wiped my eyes and rose to my feet.
“I’m sorry, Sir…”
“Marcus, please… don’t go… and certainly don’t apologise.”
&n
bsp; “I’ll leave you in peace. I won’t intrude.” I took two steps before he spoke again, halting me in my tracks.
“She knew.”
My shoulders drooped “How much did you hear?”
“Probably more than I should have. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to, but you need to know that she knew how much she meant to you. She told us all the time how special you were and of the bond you shared.” He walked forward and took my hands into his. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, so I kept my eyes on our joined hands. “She knew how much she was loved, and she was happy. That’s all anyone could ever want.”
I blinked, refusing to cry like a pussy in front of a man who had lost his daughter. He held onto my hands and gave them a squeeze.
“You need to live, and love again.”
“I can’t…”
“You can, and you will.” He squeezed my hands, forcing me to raise my head to look at him. “Live your life, Marcus. Make her proud of you. Give her something to smile at as she looks down on you. She would want you to be happy. We all have to move on, as hard as it is. If there’s someone else who’s making you happy, don’t be afraid to go for it; nobody would blame you; life is too short” He pulled me in for a quick embrace, and I whispered my thanks to him before leaving him alone to speak to his daughter.
I felt drained. I was glad that I hadn’t mentioned anything to Nate. I didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone else tonight. Thankfully, the house was empty when I arrived home. I quickly made myself something to eat, retreated to my bedroom and lay fully clothed on the bed, trying to make sense of the day.
I got up early and went for a run to clear my head. I’d done a lot of thinking the previous night, but I still felt confused. I was standing bent over, catching my breath at the front door, when it opened. I raised my head, already knowing from the crackle of static in the air and the way that my heart rate had suddenly started to increase again, that it was Maddie.
“Hey, you Ok?” Her gaze was probing, and I stood upright.
