by Chapple, GL
I’d been upset and thrown by the sight of Christian, but now I couldn’t think about him; I couldn’t concentrate on anything except the steady movement of his hand against my leg. I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes, wanting him to remove his hand so I could try and regain control, but unwilling to ask him and give up on this feeling.
He caressed my thigh the whole way home. I’m not even sure that he was aware he was doing it, but my whole body was throbbing with need. He pulled into the driveway and finally removed his hand as he parked the car.
As soon as the car stopped, I flung the door open and jumped out. I felt him moving behind me and rushed to open the front door. I needed to get away from him. He called my name, but I pushed the door open and darted inside, kicking my shoes off and making for the stairs before I felt his strong arms wrap around me and twist me so that I was pressed against his chest.
“Shhh! Hey! I’ve got you. Don’t panic. Don’t run.”
He’d misunderstood my reaction, but there was no way I was going to explain myself to him.
I inhaled, savouring the scent of him - it was strong, safe, masculine. I could feel his chest moving as he breathed - a steady rhythm – not like the frantic shallow breaths that I was managing. His chest was hard and I could feel his muscles move as he rubbed circles on my back.
“I can’t…” I tried to break free. He resisted for a moment before letting me stand back, but he kept a grip on my hands as if worried I was going to flee from him.
“Talk to me, Maddie. Did seeing him upset you? Are you worried about something?”
“No. Yes. No. It upset me to see him, but no, I’m not worried, and I’m fine now. I just need to be by myself.”
“You’re not fine: you’re all flustered and upset.”
“I’m not upset.”
“You are. Your breathing is crazy and I could feel your heart thumping.” He let go of my hand and reached out to move a stray hair out of my face. I jumped back from him and he looked upset.
“Mads, I’m not going to hurt you. I’d never hurt you. What’s going on?”
I backed away from him, needing to put some distance between us. “Nothing…please…I know that, of course I do.” He advanced on me again, and I stepped back, hitting the wall behind me and cursing.
“Maddie?”
“Leave me alone! I’m fine, Marcus. I just want to go to bed.”
I pushed past him, and he let me go. I ran up the stairs and went straight into my bedroom. I threw myself down face first onto the bed and lay there for a little while before reaching for my bag and pulling my phone out.
I wasn’t scared of you. Please don’t ever think that. I’m sorry.
His reply was instant.
You apologise too much. What’s wrong? I just want to help. I really will break his fingers, you know ;)
I’m not upset about him. You were a great distraction. Thank you for looking after me.
Always. You gonna come back down for a beer now, or you going to bed? You’ve been awfully DISTRACTED tonight ;)
I’m tired. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for tonight xx
I didn’t trust myself to go back downstairs. I debated getting my trusty toy back out, but I couldn’t face another disappointment – I was already set to explode. I needed to have sex; I needed to relieve some of this tension so that I wasn’t on the verge of denoting just because Marcus touched my leg. It was ridiculous, and I was putting our friendship at risk. He was too important to me - I couldn’t do that.
I sent a quick message to Lena,
Are you free for drinks this week?
I waited a few minutes, growing increasingly annoyed as I stared at my silent phone.
Tomorrow?
It finally beeped and I fist pumped the air. Tomorrow would work for me.
I checked my reflection one last time before walking down the stairs. Kelly was sitting with Marcus in the kitchen and I could hear them bickering over something as I walked down the stairs.
Kelly whistled as I walked into the room, and Marcus turned to look at me. I’d been nervous, but his expression told me that I had no need to be. He was devouring me with his eyes.
“Hot! Damn, girl, you’re going to be beating them off tonight! You look amazing!” Kelly eyed me up and down and gave a look of approval.
Marcus simply stared at me. I ran my hands through my hair again and gave her an awkward smile back.
“Marcus, tell Maddie how amazing she looks!” Kelly piped up, making me feel even worse.
I narrowed my eyes at her, walked to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine to have a glass before leaving. Marcus still hadn’t spoken but I could feel him watching me.
I turned and walked into the living room, perching myself on the sofa so I could see and hear Lena pull up outside. Kelly came over and asked about our plans for the night. I felt guilty then for not mentioning it to her, but she waved me off, telling me that she was going over to Carl’s, anyway. She had practically moved out now. I wondered if that’s what she and Marcus had been discussing.
I quickly finished my wine and had just poured another when Lena pulled up outside in a taxi. I took another long gulp before Kelly took the glass from me and told me to enjoy. Just as I got to the door, Marcus appeared next to me.
“If you need me, call. I’m not going anywhere tonight. You look incredible, by the way.” He leaned in to kiss me, and I held my breath, my eyes fluttering closed as he kissed my cheek and walked away.
Crap! I really needed to have sex. He was slowly killing me.
I joined Lena in the taxi, and we went straight to Milo’s. She ordered us a bottle of wine before we took a seat at the back of the pub.
“How are you doing?” she asked cautiously.
“I went out for a meal with Marcus last night, and we saw Christian.”
“Oh, damn. How’d that go?” She pulled a face, which made me laugh out loud.
“Yep, that pretty much sums it up!”
“Are you alright? How do you feel? Did Marcus kill him?”
“I feel…I don’t know. Last night I felt sick. Seeing him made my hands sweat, and my heart tried to get out of my chest – it was horrible. But Marcus…he made me feel safe. He threatened Christian apparently, I was expecting a nasty message or something, but I haven’t heard from him.”
“Well, that’s good. Are you Ok about that?”
“Yeah. I wanted it so badly. I wanted the house and the family, marriage, children, love, the happily-ever-after. I wanted it all and I thought that I could have it-”
“You can have it!”
“Not with Christian. I wanted to be loved so much that I fooled myself into thinking that I was - and it’s been the same with everyone else. I’ve never managed to make a relationship work.”
“Mads, don’t say that. You’ve not found the right guy - that’s all – or, at least, you don’t yet realise that you have.”
She smirked and gave me a knowing look, and I felt my defences rise. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, don’t do that. Don’t close down on me – you’ve called me out on my bullshit enough. What’s tonight about?”
I chewed my lip, debating whether it was best to tell her the truth or just to make something up. “I need sex.”
She didn’t react, not as I’d expected her too, anyway. Instead, she simply looked at me. “Why?”
“Why? What kind of question is that? I bet you’re getting plenty, but it’s been weeks for me. I’m going crazy: I don’t cope too well with sexual frustration.”
“It must be difficult with all the tension…” She gave me a fake look of sympathy.
I ignored her and poured myself another glass of wine.
“You do look tense…”
I swallowed another long mouthful and scanned the bar area.
“So! Is your plan to find some random and take him home - or go back to his and shag him - so that you don’t have to deal
with reality.”
I turned and glared at her, making her laugh.
“Well, it’s nice to be the voice of reason for a change. Listen, Mads, I’ve been in your shoe; resistance is futile.”
“I don’t know-”
“Yes. You do know. You like Marcus. Is this what tonight is about?”
“No! I’m not going to ruin our friendship because I’m frustrated. Do you know even BOB let me down? For fuck’s sake - I mean - how bad has it got when you can’t even get yourself off?”
I’d raised my voice, and we both noticed another couple turn and look in our direction. They were older and gave me a look of disgust as Lena cracked up laughing next to me. I tried to hold onto my resentment and annoyance, but I couldn’t, her laugh was infectious, and I found myself laughing with her.
She wiped her eyes and gave me a genuine look of sympathy this time. “I’m sorry. It’s not funny. I know how cranky you get.” She was holding back the laughter again.
“It’s not funny.” I grumbled. “Marcus was trying to be nice last night, and I literally had to flee from him because I was genuinely worried I was going to jump him.”
Lena snorted. “I’m pretty sure he’d have offered no resistance.”
“I’m not going to ruin our friendship.”
“Or maybe it’ll be the start of something amazing.”
“He’s not ready for that yet.”
“That’s for him to decide, not you. I’ll be honest - I’ve noticed a change in him – even Nate has commented. When was the last time he went out and slept with someone? I’d put money on him being pretty frustrated, too… Oooh, that house is going to be a boiling pot before long.” she sniggered.
“No, it’s not.” I answered firmly, more resolute than ever to find myself a man to sleep with. I looked around the bar again, it was almost empty – that was the problem with mid-week drinking. “Talk to me about the wedding plans,” I said, hoping to distract Lena.
She happily complied, and I leaned back in my seat, cradling my glass of wine and watching the bar.
We stayed for a few hours. The bar remained quiet and I had no luck in finding a man, though in all honesty, I’m not sure I was making much effort to really look.
Lena and I were both drunk when she called Nate to collect us. He pulled up outside Milo’s, his arrogant grin in place as usual. “C’mon my pissheads. Get yourselves in the car, or do I have to throw you over my shoulder again?” Lena poked her tongue out at him.
I loved watching these two together. Nate adored Lena and treated her as if she were the most important thing in his world, which she probably was. I felt a stab of envy and hated myself for it. These were two of my best friends, and they deserved their happiness.
“How’s the plan to get laid going, Mads?”
When the hell had she told him that? I choked and shot devil eyes in the mirror at Lena. She squirmed and hit Nate in the arm. “Shut up, arsehole!”
He reached across and squeezed her thigh, reminiscent of Marcus with me yesterday. I tried to push the thought from my mind.
“Don’t be disheartened. I’m pretty sure you could still achieve your goal if you wanted to.” Nate winked at me in the mirror.
He dropped me off outside the house, and I walked to the passenger window. “Your loyalty is supposed to be to me.” I pouted.
“Mads, trust me – Nate will not mention anything to Marcus - not if he wants to continue having sex.”
“My lips are sealed,” Nate muttered seconds later.
The light came on, the door opened, and there he stood. My mouth went dry. He was wearing loose track trousers that hung down low on his waist. He was barefoot, and his hair looked wet, as if he’d just stepped out of the shower. I glanced back helplessly at Lena who was looking at me with wide eyes. “You are screwed,” she whispered under her breath.
If I hadn’t been so nervous, I’d have laughed.
He walked down the path to chat with Nate as I made panic-filled eyes at Lena.
“I’m going to go straight to bed!” I announced loudly as they were mid-conversation. Nate smirked, and Lena pulled me in for a quick hug. I turned and rushed into the house, but not before I caught Marcus’ look of bewilderment.
I changed out of my dress straight away and jumped into a cool shower. It was ridiculous, but at this point I was willing to try any cliché going. I regretted drinking and prayed that Marcus would have the sense to stay away from my room tonight.
I slipped his t-shirt on and was crawling under the blankets when I heard a quiet knock at the door. I lay still, barely breathing, hoping that my silence would fool whoever it was into thinking I was asleep.
There was another knock, louder and more insistent. Dammit!
“Hello?” I called, whilst muttering to myself, ‘please be Kelly.’
The door opened, and he walked straight in, not stopping until he was sitting beside me on the edge of the bed.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Mads! You’re avoiding me. I want to know why. ”
“I’m not.” It was feeble and completely untrue, and we both knew it.
“Why are you suddenly so nervous around me? What’s going on? Talk to me, tell me...”
His voice was low, hypnotic almost. His hand had reached out and he was running his finger along my arm. That simple action was enough to make my eyelids flutter closed and goosebumps break out all over me.
“You’re so tense,” he whispered as he traced the line further up my arm, running his fingers along my forearm now.
My breathing was shallow and I was too nervous to move, not because he intimidated me or scared me, but because of the force of my want for this, my need to have him touch me. “Talk to me, Mads. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“That feels nice. Relaxing.”
“You need relaxing? I don’t want to be just a distraction, Mads.” His tone was amused, and my mind flashed back to yesterday and the faint buzzing sound that he’d no doubt picked up on.
“I like you touching me,” I whispered. My voice was hoarse, as if I’d had to force the words out.
He paused for a split second before continuing to run his fingers up and down my arm. “Me touching you or anyone touching you?” I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I’m just wondering if you’d be this turned on by someone else – whether if you’d met someone tonight, he’d be able to have you wet and needy just from touching your arm…”
It was as if a bucket of ice cold water had been thrown over me.
I tried to sit up, furious with him and his comments. I was so mad at Lena and Nate. I wanted my phone so I could call and rage at them. I felt humiliated. He pushed me back down easily, placing a finger on my lips to shush me.
“I’m not trying to upset you, Maddie. It’s a genuine question - I want to know how you feel about me. The atmosphere seems to be changing and I just want to be kept abreast of it.” As he finished his sentence, he leaned forward and caught my nipple between his teeth. The action was so unexpected that a low moan escaped me.
“I just want you to know where I stand.” He dragged his fingers along my leg, running from my ankle right up to my thigh. I knew he was speaking, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything he was saying. “I like you, Mads - a lot - but we’re not there yet. I’m not going to ruin this for a drunken fuck, as much as I want it. When you’re ready to try, come to me and tell me.” He leaned forward and kissed me once, softly, on the lips and then he got up and walked to the door.
“I want this!” Panic at him leaving me made me give voice to my thoughts. My voice sounded desperate and needy, which was completely accurate.
He turned slowly, “You want an orgasm, that’s not the same thing. I know you want me, Mads. When you can admit it and when you’re ready, then we’ll work this out.” He walked out and pulled the door closed.
My whole body was tingling and throbbing, I felt like crying with frust
ration and disappointment. I curled myself into a ball and forced myself to try and fall asleep.
“Well?” Nate asked for about the tenth time. He’d phoned first thing, and I’d refused to give him any details.
“I told her to come to me when she was ready.”
“Are you ready?”
I shrugged and realised he couldn’t see me. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready if I wait to feel ready. I still miss Lindsay, -of course I do - but Maddie makes me feel alive; she makes me smile. I know Lindsay would want me to be happy, but it still hurts, and I still feel guilty. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m just fed up of existing. I’m taking a chance, but at the moment I feel like I’ve jumped without a parachute.”
Nate chuckled softly down the line. “Yeah - I know that feeling. It was you who pushed me out of the damn place for Lena, remember?”
I smiled. It had been just a few months before that I’d been getting Nate to pull his head out of his arse and make things work with Lena. It felt like a lifetime ago.
I heard movement from upstairs and told him I’d speak to him later. I made breakfast and put it on a tray, confident that she would probably be doing her best to avoid me today. I carried it up to her room and knocked on the door. There was silence for a moment or two before she reluctantly acknowledged me.
“Morning! Here’s your breakfast. You’re welcome to eat it up here, but then you can come down and hang out with me for an hour or two before I have to go. There’s not going to be any awkwardness between us. You’re a good friend, and, whatever happens, I’m not ruining that.”
I didn’t wait for a response. I put the tray down on her bed and walked back downstairs. I paced anxiously in the living room, hoping like hell that she’d actually come downstairs. I heard her door open and threw myself on the sofa, casually sprawling across the whole length, and I flicked the TV onto a sports channel. She walked straight into the kitchen, washed up her dishes, put them away and came to join me.
