The Secret Saddle_Anna Troy's Emancipation

by Dani Larsen

  "C'mon, if you want to see your mother again we have to go meet her."

  I still have the blanket wrapped around me as I walk over to him.

  He roughly picks me up, puts me in the saddle, and climbs up behind me. Then we ride toward the mountain ahead. They ride slower this time, so it isn't so hard on my bottom. I am sore from riding the night before. I am not used to riding that much, as I usually ride in the wagon when we go to town. Da said he would start teaching me to ride when I am five. I am hoping that I will live long enough to get those riding lessons.

  Anna was struggling to wake up as she heard herself crying, and when she did she felt a desperate feeling deep in her soul. Then she realized John was crying and she heard it through her dreams. It was early morning and still dark, as she felt her way to the cradle and picked up her hungry child. He smiled, said "Mama" and then pursed his lips as if sucking when she laid him on the bed next to her still sleeping husband to change him. He continued making sucking sounds with his perfect lips as she led him to her breast and he latched on. The rooster crowed and George jumped out of bed immediately. Anna pulled the covers over the baby as her heart was still beating so loud she was sure the baby could hear it.

  Why am I having these dreams? I have never had them before. Is it normal for these thoughts to come back twenty years after they happened? I will have to write to Mama and see if she had nightmares after it happened. She never said anything about them, but maybe she had them too.

  Anna sat there while she fed John, wondering what she could do to stop the memories from visiting her every night. She was so terrified when she woke up, she felt as if this was all just happening, and she was suddenly as cold and hungry as she had been in the dream. Anna got up and dressed, combed her hair, and took John in with her to help her mother-in-law fix the morning meal.

  "You look tired again, Anna. Are you still having trouble sleeping? I heard John crying before the rooster crowed this morning. Did he wake up during the night too?"

  "No, he slept through until this morning. I just seem to be having restless nights that's all."

  Anna didn't want to tell Caroline about her dreams. She didn't want to talk about what happened so long ago at all. It was too upsetting. She hadn't been able to even tell George about those two days. They were the worst days of her life, and talking about them was like reliving them, just as she was doing in her dreams.

  After she got done doing all the chores and put John down for his morning nap, she had a few free minutes and sat down to write a letter to her mama.

  Dearest Mama,

  How is Da? And how are my brothers and sisters? Are you feeling okay? It Is hard living so far away from you, and not knowing what is going on in your lives. We are fine. George is working hard, and we are hoping to get our own place soon. He is trying to make enough money so that we can move. His parents are lovely people and are very accommodating, but it is crowded here and I would just feel more comfortable in our own place.

  Little John is doing well. He is getting chubby and seems to be a happy baby. He's sleeping through the night, and he's starting to get around pretty well. I have to watch him all the time, as I am afraid he will soon be getting out of his cradle and get into trouble while I am sleeping. I am mainly worried because I am having trouble sleeping, and I worry that my being tired all of the time will lead to me sleeping so soundly when I do fall asleep that I won't hear him.

  Do you ever have nightmares, Mama, about what happened when I was little? Have you ever had any of those dreams? I am suddenly dreaming about that time, and I don't know why I am doing that after all of these years. I really don't want to talk about it with anyone but you, so I thought I would ask you if you have any suggestions as to what to do to stop them. I have tried warm milk before bed to no avail. These thoughts are disturbing my sleep, and now these memories are beginning to run through my mind during the day too. I am just hoping they will wear themselves out and eventually go away.

  Give my love to everybody, and I hope to see all of you soon.

  All my love and best regards.

  Your daughter,

  Anna Troy Hempe

  George was going into town to get some supplies and pick up the mail, so she asked him to mail her letter to her mama while he was there. He took one of the buckboards as they needed sugar, flour, salt, and other basic supplies. Just as he started to leave, Frank came around the corner of the ranch house and held his hand up.

  "George, Jude is going to go with you. I've asked him to pick up a saddle that I ordered in town. He knows horse tack, so I've asked him to make sure it's good quality. The Perry Place in Cove has some Holsteins for sale too. Would you please check them out, George, and make sure they are healthy? If they look good, tell them I will pick them up next week. I guess you two will be gone until mid-afternoon, so we won't get much done today here. Why not have your lunch in town at Anton's? I'm sure he'll be happy to see you."

  Jude hopped up next to George, and they headed down the road toward La Grande. When they got there George went to the General Store and gave the proprietor his list, and then he went to the post office to mail Anna's letter and see if there was any mail for anyone at the ranch. There were a few circulars and a letter for Caroline from her family in Illinois. While he was loading up the supplies in the back of the wagon, Jude came up carrying the new saddle and put it in the wagon and covered it up with a blanket.

  "I have some errands to run in town, George. Should we eat lunch first?"

  "Yes, let's eat. Then I have to go check out those cows in Cove."

  "Just pick me up at the saloon on your way back."

  The two men entered "Anton's Saloon" and George's Uncle greeted them.

  "Hey, nephew, how are you? And what has my brother been up to these days?"

  "Everyone is doing fine, Uncle Tony."

  "Do you young fellas want a beer?"

  "Yes, we'd like a beer. How are Aunt Delia and my cousins?"

  "We are all fine, George. It's a shame we don't all get together more often."

  "Yes, it sure is, since we live so close." The two men took a seat at the bar as Tony poured them a beer.

  "How is that new little boy of yours, George? He sure is a handsome one, no doubt because of that pretty little wife of yours."

  "Thanks, Uncle Tony. He is getting really big and is very healthy, surely due to Anna's good care. She would really like for us to get a place of our own though, you know, to have a little privacy."

  "Well, that is understandable, George. Women do like their privacy."

  Jude just sat there grinning, not saying a word.

  They ordered roast beef sandwiches, and when they arrived they ate hungrily. George wiped the grease from the meat off his face with the kerchief he wore around his neck, and then decided to ask Jude about something that had been bothering him.

  "Jude, I've been meaning to ask you something for quite a while now, but it just never seemed like the right time to bring it up. You remember when that awful thing happened with the Grande Ronde Electric Company and Tom Carroll?"

  "How could I forget?"

  "When I went to court and had to testify about how close he was to that wire, before that jolt hit him and killed him outright, they kept asking me if he was the type of daredevil guy who would just stick his hand up close to that live wire. I never thought of him as that type of guy. I told them I didn't think he was, but they just kept asking that same question over and over. I admit I wasn't really watching what he was doing, as I was getting that stick ready to check the wire out before the whole thing happened."

  Jude nodded, as he took another bite of his sandwich and thought about how he would answer.

  "You were standing right behind him, Jude. Did you see him playing around there? You know, my dad told us all at breakfast that morning that the line was dangerous and not for anyone to be messing around with it, so I just don't understand how that happened. Tom Carroll always was kind of an upstanding guy
, and I can't see how he would endanger his life like that. Did you see something that I didn't?"

  "Yeah, well he always seemed to be sort of a show off type of guy to me."

  Jude took a drink of beer so he could think of what he should say next. It'd been four years since that incident, so he wasn't prepared for George to ask him about that day. He had made up his story at the time but wasn't sure of what he had said then.

  "As the foreman of the ranch, he kind of acted like he should try everything first. I don't think he liked it that your dad asked you to test the wire out and not him. Maybe that is why he got his hand too close."

  "I don't know. It just never made much sense to me. I thought maybe he was standing on the bottom level of the fence, and his foot slipped and that's how he got so close. It has really bothered me ever since. Watching a man die like that is something I'll never forget. Then when the Electric Company won that lawsuit and didn't have to pay his family anything, it really bothered me."

  "I was just a new man to the ranch back then, George. I'd only been working here a few months so I really didn't know the guy very well. I guess I wasn't paying that much attention either. It all happened so fast, just seems to me he leaned over too far and got too close to that wire. The wind was still blowing pretty hard too. Maybe the wind caught ahold of that line and sent it right into him."

  Jude wiped his forehead with his hand as he was beginning to sweat, then unbuttoned another button on his shirt, and loosened his kerchief. He remembered that day well, and was just glad that George had been looking the other way and hadn't seen him give Tom that shove that put his hand in contact with the wire. He had been surprised at the suddenness of the jolt, which went through the man bursting him into flames. Jude had felt the shock begin to go through his body too and was able to jump back in time, so that the jolt didn't hit him. Tom fell next to the fence in front of him, and George quickly started beating the fire out on the man but it was too late. Jude had been happy to get rid of him, as he had been complaining about Jude's work and said he was going to talk to Frank about it. Jude was relieved when George changed the subject and spoke to his uncle when he came out of the back room.

  "I have to go over to the Perry Place in Cove to check on some cows they have for sale there for Pa, so I can't stay, Uncle Anton, but I'll be picking Jude back up here when I get back."

  "You might want to check with Mr. Perry about a place they've got for rent while you're there. I heard they weren't asking a lot and it included a little bit of furniture. Since Cove is only a few miles from the ranch, if you can afford it, it would give you and Anna a little privacy."

  "Thanks for letting me know. That might work as I know Anna wants to get a place of our own real bad. I could still work on the ranch and we would have some privacy. Jude, I will see you here in a couple of hours." George left money on the bar for both of their sandwiches and beers.

  "Okay, George, see you later."

  Jude stayed at the bar until he heard George's buckboard take off down the road, then he spoke to Anton.

  "Has D'alene been around lately?"

  "You mean Dolly? That is what we all call her here. She was here last night, Jude. She comes in almost every night. Isn't she a little old for you, Son?"

  "Yeah, well I heard that she might have known some of my relatives, and I thought I would look her up and see if I could find out more about my family."

  "Oh, that is interesting. She lives next door at the Fillmore Boarding House. You might catch her there now."

  "Thanks, and by the way, I would appreciate it if you didn't mention that I went over there to Frank or George."

  "That is your business, Jude. I don't talk to people about what others say or do in here. I hope you find out what you are looking for."

  Jude left the bar and went to the boarding house. The woman who answered the door looked at him with a smirk and took him to a room at the top of the stairs. He knocked lightly, and a woman with long black hair opened the door. She was smoking a cigarette, and the old robe she had on was open down the front so her full breasts just about fell out. Her hair was straight and uncombed, and she looked like she had just gotten out of bed. There were prominent lines around her mouth and across her forehead, which made her look a lot older than she was.

  "Jude, honey, come on in."

  He walked in and sat on the only chair in the room. He scanned the room seeing the hard mattress with only a dirty thin blanket wadded up at the end of the bed. A small chipped and dented dresser sat in the other corner of the room, with the middle drawer open and clothes that looked more like rags hanging haphazardly out of the drawers. There was a small mirror lying on top, along with an old hair brush and a couple of ragged hair ribbons. The woman walked over to the dresser, picked up the brush and ran it through her hair, pulled the hair back from her face and tied the gray ribbon around it. She pulled her robe together, cinching the sash around her waist and went over to sit on the bed.

  "What can I do for you, Son?"

  "First of all, don't call me son. I don't want anyone to know that you are my mother. I have a good job, and I don't want being related to you screwing that up."

  Tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke. "Whatever you want, Jude, I understand. I'm sorry. I'm really proud of you and wouldn't want to ruin your reputation. I'm just happy to see you. It has been a long time."

  "Yeah, I know. I just want to ask you some questions. I think it's time I knew something about my parents, so if I don't like what I hear I can figure out something else to say, just in case I find a better position somewhere. Are you Injun?"

  "I don't like to talk much about what happened to me before I came here. It wasn't a good life. That is how I ended up doing what I'm doing." She looked down. "It wasn't always that way. When you were living with me, things weren't that bad, were they? Or do you remember that much about when you were little? I tried my best, but always seemed to meet the wrong kind of men."

  "Listen, Dolly. I don't want to talk about all the stuff that happened early on. I came out and found you here, didn't I? Just be happy I'm living close by, and stop sniveling about what happened back then. Ain't nothing anyone can do to change that! And I don't want you ever talking to anyone else about where I was before I came here, do you hear me? You could put me in danger if you tell anyone what you heard. Just tell me what you can about where I came from. I hate sitting around talking to the guys, and hearing about their lives, and me with nothing to say."

  "Sure, honey, whatever you say. My mama was a Nez Perce, Jude, and my papa was a white man. I think he was French and came from somewhere in Canada. All I know is that she dropped me off at my pa's place in Couer d'Alene when I was but a few days old. He named me after that town, D'Alene. She told him that she had to go with her tribe to a reservation, and she thought my pa could give me a better life. A lot she knew, she must not have known him very well. He was a mean man, he beat me all the time, and called me a squaw every chance he got. I ran away when he started leering at me, when I started becoming a woman. I don't think he cared, it just left him more food to eat, and all he did was drink when he wasn't out hunting. As far as I know, he never came looking for me. His name was Jacques Dampierre, and they called my mother, Little Fox. That is all I know.

  "I got a ride with some cowboys and stayed with them for a long time. Then they picked up with this guy who didn't like women, and I just seemed to be in the way. They treated me pretty nice most of the time, but after he joined up with them they dropped me off with a gang of guys that were up to no good. I didn't have anywhere to go, or anybody who cared about me, so I stayed. The one guy, who seemed to be their leader, treated me nice at first. I'm not going to tell you his name. I think it is better you don't know nothin' about him. He turned out to be a real mean guy. That is why your last name is Dampierre, not his name. When you were born right here in this brothel, the mid-wife who delivered you asked me what I was going to name you, and I said I hadn't come up with a go
od name yet. She said that St. Jude was the saint you prayed to for lost causes, and since I was kind of in dire straits at the time, I thought naming you Jude might get us some help from that saint. I guess I should have been praying to him too, but I really never learned how."

  "Yeah, that is real funny, how you named me. Sounds like you thought I was a lost cause from the start. Don't ever tell anyone my last name is Dampierre, Dolly. You know I changed it. There is that Pinkerton guy looking for me. If he finds you, you better not tell him where I am, if you know what is good for you."

  "I won't, Jude. I'll tell him I ain't seen you since you were a youngin. I won't give you your pa's name, but I'll tell you a little more about why I won't, if you want to know."

  "Yes, finish what you were saying."

  "I listened to what he and his men were saying, when they thought I was asleep. They did some bad things and terrorized a lot of people. I hope they are all in jail somewhere, cuz most of the time they rustled cattle, robbed banks, or trains. Guess I'm lucky I didn't get arrested just for being with them. Being young and stupid I fell for him, before I knew how bad he was. I stayed with him for a year. I never told him my ma was Indian, as he hated anyone who wasn't white. He got really mad when he found out I was pregnant with you. One day I let it slip that Ma was from the Nez Perce tribe. He was so mad that he beat the heck out of me and left me alongside the road and rode off with his gang.

  "He just left me out on the road in the middle of nowhere. I was a bloody mess, and I had no place to go. I just started walking, caught a couple of rides, and ended up here in La Grande. Tilly, the woman that runs the brothel, took me in and told me I could stay here as long as I would work for her after you were born. I got myself a job in the saloon, while I was big with you, and I've been living here ever since. You stayed with me here until you were four, and then a man and woman came in the saloon one day and saw you helping out. They said they wanted a little boy and told me they would take you and take good care of you. I thought they could give you a much better life than I could, so I let you go."