“You’re not being fair. What about your new boy toy?” His assumption made me giggle.
“Boy toy? Did you seriously say that?”
The funny part was that Grayson should have recognized Chad. He’d met him quite a few times at holiday parties. Chad had changed a lot since then. He was older, and much more mature, but he still resembled the same person.
“Yeah, I did. He looks like you picked him up from a magazine shoot.”
I covered my mouth and giggled. Grayson was jealous. I suppose I could relate. Every time I thought about him with Kyla, I felt like I wasn’t good enough anymore. Grayson saw Chad as a threat, and he should have. In two days I’d had more fun in and out of the bedroom with Chad then I could ever remember having with Grayson. My husband was sort of selfish when it came to sex. Chad went out of his way to make each time we were together amazing. I don’t know. Maybe I was just excited because it was something new, at a time when I felt like the rest of my life was a huge mess. He distracted me, and also made me feel like I was sexy and attractive. He made it easy to forget I’d been cheated on. “He’s a friend and that’s all you need to know. I owe you nothing as far as an explanation goes. You ripped me apart. If I enjoy someone else’s company, it’s your own fault. You did this to me, Grayson. Don’t forget it for a second. You set all this into motion, not me. I’m just trying to get by without wanting to give up altogether.”
He wept in his hands, unable to look up at me. My heart ached for him. It was obvious his pain could have been diminished had I been caring, yet I wasn’t going to budge, not yet anyway. Until I could stop being so angry, Grayson was going to have to deal with the repercussions of his own actions. My extracurricular activities weren’t his concern. Maybe in some ways I was doing it to get back at him, but when I thought about today’s actions, I wondered if it was more about me wanting something I’d never had before; something Grayson had never been able to give me.
I sighed, feeling like I was making his pain worse, and sat down beside him. “A part of me will always love you. We will need to get along for Stephanie. She’ll want to spend holidays together. I need time to heal so I’m able to do that. I’d like to be able to be in the same room and not want to strangle you. Right now it’s still too painful. I’ve never felt so alone as I did when I saw you with Kyla. I trusted the both of you, and you took me for a fool.”
He tried to reach for my hand before I pulled it away. I stood, unable to allow him to try again. “Rachel, don’t give up on me.”
“I have to go to bed now. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow. On top of everything you put me though, I almost lost my job. I was home early that day because we got word the company was closing it’s doors. Charles is retiring and his family wants to pursue other ventures. I needed you, and come to find out you were here fucking a child we’d thought of as family. Speaking about it makes me sick.” I turned my gaze away from him. “I have an opportunity to save the company, but it’s going to take a lot of time and I’ve already committed to it. Tomorrow I’ll search for a small place to rent. I get how much it hurts you. It’s killing me too. You think I wanted to see this happening between us? I wanted to be with you forever. When I said those vows I meant them.”
“I know,” he replied sadly. “I’m sorry about your job.”
“Like I said, I think I can save the company, and even better my position. I met with Charles and his grandson today. We brought the lawyer and accountant in, and went over the numbers we’d need. We’re going to have to move to a smaller facility, and half the staff will still be without jobs, but it’s a start. I’m hopeful I can keep a lot of people who need their jobs to support their families. I’ve got a lot to do, and I know if I throw myself into this, I’ll be able to get by day to day without you in my life. I won’t be happy. There’s nothing I want more than this to all go away. It’s just not feasible. I’m asking you to give me time. I can’t offer anything else.”
He nodded, even though I could tell he wasn’t thrilled with my decisions. “Okay. I can give you time. Just promise me you won’t meet with a lawyer, not until we talk again. Promise me you won’t take drastic measures when it comes to our marriage.”
It was a fair request. “Okay. I promise I won’t see the lawyer yet.”
I started walking up the stairs and heard him coming up behind me. “Rachel, wait. There’s something I need to say, in case you’re gone when I get up.”
I stopped and gave him my attention. “I’m listening.”
“This new guy, whoever he is. I hope he’s what you need. You’re right. I have no business asking you what your intentions are, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care. If this is what you need to cope, I get it. Some people won’t, but it makes sense. You need to do this, because I’ve made you feel like you weren’t enough for me. I promise I’ve never felt that way about you, but I get you need to do whatever it takes to get through this. If you ever need to talk please know I’m here for you. I always will be. No matter how long it takes you to see it. I’ll be the man waiting for another chance. I love you that much, Rachel. I’d give you to someone else if it helped you heal.” He was breaking down in front of me. I felt horrible. “Just know he’ll never love you, not the way I do. One day you’ll believe that. I just hope I’m still around when it happens.”
I ran up the stairs like my feet were on fire. I had to get away from him. Grayson knew me too well. He was going to say whatever he could to get into my good graces. He was willing to throw himself under a bus to make me see how much he was willing to sacrifice to get me back.
A part of me felt appreciative, while the other half of me still wondered if I’d ever be able to look at him as anything but the cheater who ruined our lives.
In all my efforts to remain calm, his words crushed me. I locked the bedroom door and sulked. While some would find comfort in knowing they had someone to wipe away the tears and make them forget, my heart still remained with my husband; the man I’d built a beautiful life with.
Sure, in some ways I’d made the same choices, yet I never would have gone in that direction had he not done it first. I’m not justifying what I was doing as the right choice for everyone. For me personally, it was the only way I saw myself being able to get over his betrayal. I could now understand how easy it would have been to fall victim to my own desires. I’d slept with Chad for a few reasons, but mostly because I wanted to forget about my problems and feel good about myself again.
For the most part it was working, except for when I was alone, like right now. I looked around the room, thinking about the time we’d spent the weekend repainting the walls, or when Grayson decided to surprise me with new bedroom furniture. On the walls were pictures we’d purchased when we’d taken a family trip to Guanacaste Costa Rica when Stephanie was just eleven years old.
The Vase on my nightstand was purchased on a trip to Canada we took as chaperones when Stephanie was in the marching band and there for a competition. Our bedding was from the Amish market, and the matching curtains Grayson had made for a birthday present.
Everywhere I looked were the memories of our beautiful life. Everything I touched reminded me of it, like the sheets we’d bought on sale when a local store was going out of business. They were soft, and inviting, and when I climbed in at night I was so comfortable I fell right asleep.
I already missed our life together. Even with Grayson downstairs it would never be the same. He’d never hold me in his arms and make me feel like the luckiest woman on the planet. He’d never greet me with a welcome home kiss that would make me weak in the knees. He’d never be the person I wanted to share special moments with.
I’d been pushed away by a force so strong it was impossible to forget. Betrayal is ugly. It shows it’s face like vicious prey looking to kill it’s next meal. It doesn’t pick and choose it’s victims. We did that on our own. We make the choices that set our lives into a whirlwind of regret. We choose to let the people we love down. Our terrible
decisions impact the ones we love the most.
I didn’t know how to overcome it, and I wasn’t sure if I had the courage to stick around and try.
Chapter 18
Grayson
Rachel was right up the stairs from me. This was the longest we’d been in the same place since she’d discovered my infidelity. At least I knew she was safe, even if it was from herself. The identity of her special friend didn’t matter to me. Of course I was apprehensive about giving her free reign to seek out some kind of resolution, however it was what she sought out to do. No man wants his wife, the love of his life, to be with another man. The idea of it made me sick to the point where I wondered if I’d ever be able to touch her the way I used to without imagining someone else’s hands on places only I was supposed to have access to.
I finished off another drink before getting it in my head that going upstairs was a good idea. Once I hit the first step I didn’t hesitate. I knew I wasn’t going to give up until I was in the room with her.
I didn’t knock, or make her aware I was coming in. I simply pushed open the door and found her in bed, sitting on her computer. My side was still folded. I closed my eyes and thought about what I’d done in the bed, and what she’d done with someone else. We’d hurt each other. On my part, there was no excuse. I’d made poor choices, and now had to pay the ultimate sacrifice. “Rachel,” I whispered her name softly as I approached the bed.
She closed the screen on her device and stared wide-eyed. “You can’t be in here.”
Hot tears fell down my cheeks. “Please don’t. Don’t push me away.”
I watched her lids close, and when she opened them back up they were red and filled. “Grayson, I can’t do this right now. I thought I explained that.”
“I can’t let you slip away. I need you. I need you so damn much it’s killing me inside. I know I did you wrong.”
She threw up her right hand. “You have to stop this. I can’t stand it. It’s making the situation worse.”
“No, you moving out on me is the worst. I’m begging you, let me stay in here. I don’t want to be alone. I need my wife. If this is the last time we’re ever going to be together, please let me stay in here with you. Give me that, Rachel. Let me be next to you.”
She opened her mouth, but closed it before any words came out. I could tell she was confused about how to respond. “Nothing is going to happen between us.”
I interrupted. “I know. I’m not even going to try. I just want to be close to the only woman I’ll ever love. You might not believe it, but I mean it with all I have left in me. You know me better than anyone, Rachel. Look into my eyes and see how sincere I am. I’m not lying to you. I made that mistake already. I won’t do it again.”
She scooted over, further than she actually needed to. “Fine. If you try to convince me to change my mind I promise I’ll take my things tonight and leave. I’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart. This doesn’t mean I forgive you at all.”
I walked over to my side of the bed and climbed under the covers, keeping a good distance between us. Rachel opened her laptop and pretended to act like I wasn’t close to her. I tried to remain quiet, but being so close to her was causing me to get overemotional. She was my beautiful wife, and I couldn’t touch her. My own self-inflicted prison was killing me. “I like your hair,” I said softly under my breath.
She turned and looked and me. “I thought you said to never cut it.”
“You’re beautiful no matter how you wear your hair, Rachel. I’ve felt that way since the moment I first laid eyes on you. Do you remember the day we met?”
“Of course.” She closed her computer lid again. “I’ll never forget it.”
“I wish we could go back. I know it’s not possible now, but I’d do things differently.”
“I believe you, Grayson.”
“You do?” I shifted to turn my whole body to face hers.
“I’m not oblivious to what you’re going through. I have compassion. I can tell when something is bothering you, and it’s obvious you’re struggling. I am too. This isn’t how I saw our future going.” She wiped her eyes. “I thought we’d be together forever. I thought we were best friends.”
“We still can be.”
She shook her head. I watched her face scrunch as she began to weep. “I wish we could. I do. I wish we could make it all go away, but it’s too late. Some damage is irreparable. We can’t fix what’s broken. We’ve both made choices we aren’t proud of. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel like this.”
I reached over and touched the back of her hand. She started to jerk it away, but at the last minute left it to remain. “Can I hold you?”
She sniffled and shrugged her shoulders. “It will probably make matters worse.”
“I don’t care. Let me hold you. Please, Rachel.”
She leaned over and let me wrap my arms around her. In that moment I lost it. I didn’t let go, but I was struggling to keep enough composure to do it. This was it. This could be the very last time I was this close to my wife. This could be the last time I got to hold her; to touch her in any way.
Together, we cried, letting the pain flow out of us like a running faucet. We’d gotten so caught up in our lives that we’d forgotten how to be married. Life was comfortable, and the monotony left both of us vulnerable. Rachel didn’t deserve to be cheated on. It wasn’t her fault I made the decision to sleep with someone else. The choice had nothing to do with her at all.
Whatever she was involved in now was a direct result of what I’d put her through. She was lashing out, desperate to feel a connection, since I’d ruined our relationship. My self-conscious wife needed to be reminded how amazing she was, and she felt getting the attention from someone else was the best way to do so.
My aching heart wasn’t going to heal, not without her in my life. That’s why I couldn’t bear to think about when morning came and she asked me to leave her alone again.
If I knew anything about my wife it was that she tried to keep the peace. If she was giving in to my requests it meant she was exhausted. She needed reprieve and this was her way of saying goodbye without the words. I could sense it in the way she cried, how much this hurt. Her pain radiated through me as if we were electrically connected. “I’m so so sorry, babe. God, what have I done to us? What have I done?”
I believe every man has a breaking point. Mine was losing Rachel. Being this close to her again brought so much into perspective. I wondered how I would go on without her. The saying is true. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Chapter 19
Rachel
I’m not sure why I agreed to let Grayson back in our bed. The same goes for him holding me. I knew it wouldn’t help, but to some degree it made the pain a little easier to bear. He was with me, alone, and in those moments nothing else in the world mattered.
Our temporary fix left me vulnerable again. I found myself questioning if I’d be able to forgive him and start over. There were so many reasons I wanted to trust my husband, but only time would tell if I’d truly be able to. Right now I knew he wasn’t seeing Kyla. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t have a change of heart. I had to wait it out, and in the meantime I had to get my affairs in order, just in case.
With that being said, there was still the topic of Chad. Being close to Grayson made me more aware of the taboo things I’d done with another man. I knew it was important to focus on my job, instead of the little romps we’d been having. At the end of the day I had to live with all my decisions, good and bad.
The next morning I woke up in the arms of my husband. I would have liked to think all the bad was just a dream, but as I sat up and saw my suitcase I knew I was mistaken. My marriage was in shambles, and I was now part of the reason. Grayson was a mess, and my leaving wasn’t going to make it any easier, not for either of us.
I tried to sneak out of his reach without waking him, but failed miserably. Grayson stirred, opening his e
yes and becoming alert to our situation. “Where are you going?”
“I have to get ready for work. Go back to sleep.”
He sat up straight and looked around the room, finally stopping at my full luggage. I watched his face fall to a sad frown. “I was hoping you’d change your mind.”
I sat on the edge of the mattress. “I know. I think we need time apart, Grayson. Maybe it will help us.”
“Or maybe it will break us apart forever. Last night helped. You have to admit it.”
“Last night was intense, yes, but it didn’t solve anything. We’re still in the same predicament, and without some separation I’m afraid we’ll have resentment. We’ve both made decisions which impact our future. I need to be able to grasp everything before I can handle and decide what comes next. Do you understand?”
He put his head down and traced the fabric of my nightgown. “I love you so much. I just don’t want it to be over.”
“Grayson, I can’t make promises right now. I know it hurts. Trust me, I feel it too. It’s just best if we spend time apart.”
“You’re punishing me. I get it.”
“No!” I defended. “It’s not about that. We both need a breather.”
“Does your breather have a name?”
This annoyed me. I was trying my hardest to be considerate. This had nothing to do with Chad. I’d made the decision to stop our tryst. I knew what was at stake, and no one, not even Grayson, wanted it resolved as much as I did. “You would go there. Just remember you’re the one who made this ugly. I was really hoping we could do this cordially.”
I got up and headed for the bathroom. “Come on, Rachel. You can’t be serious. I have a right to ask.”
Twirling around, I gave him a look of disgust. “No. You don’t! You lost your right to my private life. Now, last night opened my eyes to a lot of things, but it changes nothing. I’m leaving. I’m taking some items with me I’ll need. Maybe I’ll stop by on the weekend for more. I don’t know yet. For now, I don’t have a set plan. When I get it figured out, you’ll be the first to know.”
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