This kind.
They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. My marriage was over. I’d claimed I’d wanted it for a month, but now that it was final, I was beginning to think I’d been wrong.
By ten p.m. I was losing my grip on reality. I hadn’t received a single call from Chad, and my mind wouldn’t turn off. I’d showered, and cried. Tried to eat, thrown up, and then cried. Then I cried some more. I even attempted to do a little work, and ended up in tears. Slowly I was losing my ability to hold on to anything.
A knock on my door sent me flying toward it. I swung it open, seeing Chad standing on the other side. My arms wrapped around him, like a child lost from their parents. “I had the worst day ever.”
He stepped inside and closed the door behind us. “I thought you agreed to stay the whole weekend?”
“I couldn’t. He knows about us. He knew we were together yesterday. It’s a terrible mess, but it’s over. He doesn’t want me anymore.” Saying it out loud caused me to break down again. Chad distanced himself from my body to be able to look at me.
“What do you mean? He doesn’t want you? What happened?”
We sat down close to each other and I began to explain everything that happened, and what we’d discussed. I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn’t thrilled his name was brought into it. “I thought you promised to keep an open mind.”
“I did. We even connected. We had a moment, and it felt like we were back to our old life, but I had to stop him. He wanted something I wasn’t willing to give him.”
Right away Chad knew why. “Because you’d been with me earlier, right? That’s it. You couldn’t live with yourself if you slept with both of us in the same day.”
I nodded. “I didn’t tell him. He guessed it. After that his mind was made up. We’re through, and a part of me feels like it’s dead.”
“Don’t cry, Rach. You’ll get through this.” He cupped my cheeks and forced me to look at him. “You’re strong and independent. I know it feels like it’s the end of your life, but you’re wrong. Maybe it’s the beginning of something new instead.”
“With you?” I asked.
“It’s not the time to discuss this. You’ve been through a lot. How about you try to relax and get some sleep? I’m sure you’ll feel a little better in the morning.”
“Will you at least stay with me?”
Chad ran his hand through my hair. “Of course. Come on. Let’s get you settled.”
I don’t know why, but I felt like as soon as I closed my eyes he was going to leave. I fought it, unwilling to give up and wake to find him gone.
I’m not real sure how long he’d been there, or what time it was, but I turned to see him looking at his phone. He was typing pretty fast. I new it had to be an email, rather than a text from the amount he was writing. “Is everything okay at the office?”
“Yeah. I’m just making plans for a business trip I’m taking next week.”
I sat up. “You didn’t tell me you were going anywhere.” I corrected my statement. “I mean, you never mentioned it before.”
“You’ve been busy. It’s only for a few days. I’m going to California to meet with some potential companies we may sub-contract to. We’ll need to rent equipment until our revenue is good enough to make purchases from. I’ve got a list of people to meet with, and figured it was better to do it in person.”
“Chad, where were you today? I called you a lot of times. I left messages.”
“I made plans, Rach. Why are you being so weird?”
“Do you love me?”
From the way his face reacted I think I already got my answer. He remained quiet for a moment, probably thinking about how to let me down easily. When he responded I was in shock.
“Yeah, I think I do. No, I know I do. Are you happy now? Can you settle down?”
I tried to smile, finally feeling a bit of happiness despite the pain I’d been experiencing. “Yes, I think so. Thank you for telling me.”
“Rachel, love is complicated. You know that more than anyone. As beautiful as it can be, it can also be painful. I told you before I didn’t want a relationship. I meant it, but not for the reasons you probably assume. It’s not that I don’t want you in my life. I just know where I’m headed, you won’t be able to come.”
“Where you’re headed? I don’t want your money. I mean, you’re powerful. You’ll be successful. There’s no doubt about it.”
“Rach, I’m not staying in D.C. forever. My grandfather knew I’d planned to move to the West Coast as soon as the company was up and running. Most of our clients are there, and we’ll need a location centralized to cater to them. I can’t be here and expect them to come to me.”
“I don’t understand. Leviathan is here. It’s where the office is located.”
“It’s where the agency is located,” he corrected. “The new company will need to be out in California.”
“Why are you just telling me this?”
“Because I knew if I told you you’d push me away. Once we made the decision to keep the agency I knew you’d do whatever it took to keep it running. Your job is here, and mine will be elsewhere.”
I finally understood why Chad wouldn’t talk about committing. He knew all along he’d be leaving and not returning. His future was set, while mine was falling apart. “We can still see each other, right? We can visit and speak on the phone?”
“I’m sure we’ll talk, Rach, but let’s be honest. As soon as I move, this thing between us will change. I never meant to fall for you. I thought it would be fun and help you get through your breakup.”
“That’s why you wanted me to go with Grayson. You thought we’d reconnect and you wouldn’t have to worry about breaking things off with me.”
He wouldn’t respond.
“Chad, no. Don’t do this to me. Not now. I’ve lost everything. I can’t lose you too.”
He frowned and turned his head away so I couldn’t see his face. “I’ll be around for a few months. It’s not like I’m leaving tomorrow. We have time to be together.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not fair. It won’t work.”
“What do you mean?”
My heart was breaking all over again. I’d ruined things with Grayson, only to come home to discover there would be no future for Chad and I. “I think it’s time to call a spade a spade. We’ve had some good times. You helped me, more than I’ll ever be able to repay you, but I’ve lost too much. I can’t handle falling harder for you and watching you walk out of my life. Right now I think I can manage if we’re no longer a thing. It will hurt, but I’ll learn to get by.”
Chad took my hand and lifted it up to his lips. “I understand. I figured once you knew you’d call it quits. We were never meant to be, Rach. I’m just glad I got to know you. For what it’s worth, I meant what I said. I do love you, but you and I both know it’s not enough.”
“It never is.”
He stood to exit my apartment. I followed behind him. “So, I guess I’ll see you at the office?” I needed us to remain friends. I couldn’t bear losing him in my life completely.
He leaned forward and kissed me passionately on the lips. “You know, I don’t have to go tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Tell me you want me to stay, Rach. Say you want to have one final night together.”
I faked a smile, determined not to lose my shit as I explained what I wanted from Chad. “I wish it were that easy. I wish I could ask you stay, because I want to feel what it was like to be in your arms one more time, but we both know what will happen. We’ll go right back to the way it was, then finally get punched in the face with the truth when you have to leave. I’ve lost enough tonight. I can’t handle being close to you while knowing it’s a temporary fix. Truth be told, I think we both knew all along this wouldn’t work. You came into my life when I needed you the most. I’m glad I know you, Chad. I hope we can remain friends, even if it’s long distance. You’re a sweet man. You made me feel aliv
e in the midst of tragedy.” I was getting choked up. “It’s best if we end this for good, right here and now. I need to stop hurting long enough to heal. If this weekend has taught me anything it’s that I haven’t been focused on what was important to me.”
“Your family you mean? It’s always been about them, hasn’t it?”
I nodded. “I suppose it has, not that it matters now. My marriage is over. Grayson doesn’t need me anymore. I’m on my own, and it’s time I learn how to manage it.”
Chad kissed me again, this time keeping his lips on mine for a few seconds. “I’ll see you in the office on Monday. We’ll do lunch and go over what I need done while I’m on my trip.”
Pretending to smile would have taken too much energy. I closed the door as he walked outside and sunk down to the floor beneath me.
I finally understood what rock bottom felt like.
Nothing could feel worse than what I was experiencing now. I was at a loss for words, with no motivation to get up and get over it. I’d lost too much to care what happened to me. I just wanted to die.
Chapter 34
Rachel
Six months have gone by fast. I’d been in low places, and found that with time I could overcome my fears and forgive myself for the wrong choices I’d made in my life. I didn’t have regrets, not any I’d want to change. I wasn’t exactly in a happy place, but I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
For a long while nothing felt right. I was lost, tortured by my own emotions on a daily basis. Things got worse once Chad relocated his side of the company to the West Coast. I think I cried for weeks, not because he was gone, we hadn’t been involved since the night we called it quits. I was just lonely. I felt like my friend was gone. Even though I could still chat with him, it wasn’t the same as having a lunch companion, someone who understood everything I’d been through.
Since Charles had been retired, the office was quiet. Things were going smoothly.
Stephanie visited me every other weekend, kind of like visitation when kids are young. Grayson and I had kept in touch. Truth be told, I missed our life, especially now that Chad wasn’t around to distract me. It was like I needed time alone to see what I wanted. Anyway, when we spoke it was just about normal things. A few times we’d both break down. Up until last week we hadn’t seen each other. Then, out of nowhere he asked me out on a date.
I was shocked.
Time had passed, giving me proof he wasn’t involved with Kyla. Stephanie had been snooping around and found out her ex-friend was seeing someone new, having long forgotten about her tryst with Grayson.
So much for love.
As for me, well I took Grayson up on the offer. We’d planned to meet up on Friday night in Annapolis for some waterfront dining. We’d gone there for one of our anniversary dinners, so we knew how much we loved the cuisine.
I was pretty excited about seeing him. I wondered if he’d let himself go, or if he was still the stunning man who made me weak in the knees. According to our daughter, he’d been doing better. After some time seeing a therapist, he’d come to terms with what couldn’t be changed. In all honesty, I think his affair was more trying on him than mine.
I was in a good place; one where I was open-minded, and ready to forgive. It had taken me a while. I’d lost a lot.
That Friday morning I woke up at the crack of dawn. I went into the office and got everything done early so I was able to have a half-day. Nothing was going to keep me from seeing Grayson and starting over as if we’d just met. My mind was made up. No matter how long it would take us, I knew he was the man I was supposed to be with. This was no longer about which man gave me the greatest pleasure. I wasn’t blinded by lust. This was about something deep inside, a powerful love that could stand the test of time. I knew that now.
Stephanie called me three times during the afternoon. She was overjoyed about the two of us reconnecting, and according to her, so was Grayson. With nothing standing in our way, I hurried to prepare for a our special date, wearing something sexy, and adding a perfume he’d gotten me last Christmas. I spent too long on my hair, and messed up my makeup once before finally getting it right. Every detail had to be perfect. This second chance was all we were going to have. If we screwed this up now there was no going back. I had to live with that.
I don’t even remember the forty minute drive to Annapolis, or the horrible traffic I had to endure to get there. I managed to find a close parking spot and hurried into the restaurant, hopeful he was there waiting for me.
After letting the hostess know about our reservations, she took me to our table and handed me a menu while I waited.
Five minutes passed.
Then ten.
Nearly twenty.
I tried calling his phone but got no answer. Figuring he was stuck in rush hour traffic, I ordered a glass of wine and tried not to worry.
Before I knew it, an hour had gone by and no Grayson.
While I tried his number again, I paid for my wine, figuring he’d changed his mind about us. Maybe Grayson wasn’t as ready to move forward as me. Maybe it was too late for reconciling.
I made it to my car before Stephanie called. I ignored the first one, because I couldn’t bear to break her heart with the news. Then she continued calling me until I finally picked up. “Honey, he didn’t show.”
“Mom,” she sounded frantic. “It’s Daddy. The neighbors found him out front unconscious. I’m trying to get to the hospital now.”
“What? No. He’s meeting me for dinner.” I was in denial.
“Mom, you need to come. I don’t know much. Mrs. Constance said she thinks it’s his heart.”
“His heart? Your dad is healthy as an ox. I’m sure he’s going to be fine,” I lied. I didn’t want her driving while breaking down, especially in the city. “Where are they taking him?” I was already getting in my car prepared to speed to get to them.
“Hopkins. They’re taking him to Hopkins. That’s why I know it’s bad. Why would they take him there if it wasn’t?”
She had a point. “I’m on my way, sweetie. Please be careful. I’ll see you in thirty minutes.”
My drive into Baltimore was full of emotions. I kept thinking about the worst of scenarios, arriving and him already being gone. I wondered how long he’d been suffering, and if he’d been in a lot of pain, but tried to push through it to make our date. I wondered if this was a direct result of the toll our breakup had put on him.
My heart was shattering again, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle any more bad news.
The parking garage was full when I arrived at the hospital. I managed to squeeze into a small spot and wedge my body between the opposing vehicle to exit. The elevator took forever to retrieve me, and just as I was about to make a beeline for the stairs, I heard the ding.
I dashed through the double doors of the emergency department, my nerves on high alert. Dizziness swept over me. I was freaking out, nervous and determined to get to Grayson. He had to know I loved him. I couldn’t let something happen to him without him knowing that.
While the receptionist looked up his last name, I tapped my feet, searching the room for an open door I could run through to find him myself. Then she handed me a visitor’s log I had to fill out. I’m not even sure if I wrote a name. I scribbled something and shoved it back toward her, taking the badge and darting for the double doors where I knew I’d find him.
There again, I stood waiting for someone to help me.
Finally the doors opened. I showed my badge and walked as I spoke to the nurse. “My husband. He was brought in earlier by ambulance. My daughter said it might be his heart.” Just speaking the words out loud sent bile rushing to my throat. I’d done this to him. I’d sent him to his breaking point. His heart wasn’t just broken over our breakup, it was shutting down. Tears filled my eyes once again as the relevance sunk in. I needed to see him; to know he was going to make it. A million scenarios were running through my mind, yet wit
hout answers I couldn’t think of anything positive.
She brought me to a private room where I found Stephanie leaned over the bed, she backed away with tears in her eyes the moment she spotted me in the doorway. “Mom.” She rushed toward me, throwing her arms around my neck. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
My eyes diverted to Grayson, who seemed to be awake, but groggy. “Hi,” he barely managed to say. “I’m sorry.”
I was at his side within seconds, taking his hand and gripping it. “Hi yourself. What happened?”
“He had a heart attack, Mom. The doctor just came in to talk to me. They said he had to get a stent put in. He just came back to the room about five minutes ago.”
I kept my eyes on Grayson. “How are you feeling?”
He was crying. “I thought I was going to die alone.”
I couldn’t keep the tears from falling down my face. “You’re too young to die on us. We still have a long life to live.”
I ran my hands over his thick hair, appreciating he didn’t try to turn away. “I had pressure last night, but thought it was something I ate.” He was struggling to talk. A nurse came in the room to administer drugs into his IV.
“I hear you had quite a scare today. Don’t worry, you’re in great hands.”
I waited until she finished to address Grayson again. “You should have called me. I would have taken you to the hospital.”
“I didn’t want to miss our date, Rachel.”
This tore me to pieces. It didn’t matter how much pain he was in. He wanted to see me; to start over, and nothing was going to keep him from it.
I raised his hand to my lips and kissed it. “You’re so stubborn. You could have died.”
“At least I’d die trying, babe.”
“Are you two okay for a minute? I just need to make a call to my work.”
Stephanie came up next to me to make sure we were listening.
“Sure. I’ve got him. Go ahead. We’ll be here when you return.”
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