“Thank you for telling her. I’m glad she knows that. Mommy would never be mad at the name you choose. She will think it’s special because it’s from you.” I looked down at my beautiful sons; the sons that Miranda and I made together out of love. With one hand on one of the boys little hands and Izzy in my arms, the tears started to fall down my face. Thankfully, Izzy was too busy studying her brothers to see my initial burst of tears.
She pointed at the bigger of the two boys. “That’s Jake.”
“Are you sure, because if you change your mind later, they might get confused.”
She turned to give me a dirty look, but her grin changed as soon as she saw my face. Her little fingers reached up and wiped away the tears. “Daddy, are you sad because of Mommy?”
I nodded but couldn’t admit the words out loud.
“I’m sad too. They took me away from her. I could hear her crying at first. Maybe if she saw us she wouldn’t be so sad.”
The little miniature version of my wife looked up at me for answers, but I didn’t know what to tell her. Hell, it was like I was living the worst possible nightmare ever. I took my hand and moved away a piece of her light blonde hair. “We can’t see Mommy until the doctors are done helping her. For right now, we have to stay here with your brothers.”
Izzy watched my face change and I did my best to hide my fears from her. She turned back to her brothers. “Which one did I say was Jake?”
I knew which one she chose, but decided to test her. I pointed to the other baby. “I think this one.”
She shook her head and pointed to the other baby. “Daddy! This is Jake,” Then she pointed to the other baby. “And that is Jax.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded her head and giggled. I loved that she didn’t understand how serious our situation was. I never wanted any of my children to feel this pain. My heart ached for my wife and as much as I enjoyed being there with my three children, I couldn’t take my mind from going back to be with Miranda.
“Yes, I’m sure, but what happens when we go home and mix them up?”
I focused on making my daughter smile. Focus on Izzy. Don’t think about Miranda lying there alone.
“Maybe we should get them tattoos?”
“Daddy! You can’t tattoo a baby, silly.”
“Why not?”
I put her down and when she put her hands on her hips, I mimicked her. “Because you can’t!”
I threw my hands in the air. “Well then I guess we won’t ever know who is who.”
She got on her tippy toes and looked at both boys. I could tell she was trying really hard to find something that wasn’t similar. Both boys had a head of dark hair, which made me smile knowing it came from me. They both had grayish eyes, which I knew wouldn’t change to a permanent color until they got a few months old. They both had ten fingers and toes and seemed identical in every way. I remember thinking back to when we found out we were having twins and how I joked that my sperm was so powerful I’d made two instead of one.
I reached down and brushed the smallest boy’s cheek. “We’ll be able to tell because we love them so much. We will always know.”
“Can we take them home now? I think they want to see their room and sleep in their cribs instead of these.” Iz knocked on the plastic causing little Jax to jump. She put her hand over her face to hide her embarrassment.
The nurse came walking toward us. She leaned down and touched the plastic. “Try not to knock on these, they are loud to the babies and we wouldn’t want to make them cry.” She patted Iz on the head and threw her a smile before giving me her attention.
“I was wondering if you’d like to hold them.”
Without hesitation, I grabbed Izzy’s shoulders and squeezed them. “Only if she can hold them too.”
The nurse cocked her eyebrow, but nodded and grabbed Iz and I both a chair. By the time we had sat down, another nurse was getting the boys out, one at a time. Now, I’d held Izzy when she was first born. I felt the excitement of that experience and what it was like to watch her take her first breath. I’d missed that part with my sons, but there was nothing I could do about it. From the moment little Jax was tucked into my arms, I felt that same rush of happiness as I felt with Iz. She sat with her arms out, waiting for Jake to be placed in hers. I saw her look up at me and smile.
“You okay, Iz?”
She nodded and focused on her brother being put in her arms. We were sitting side by side and both of us looked from one baby to the other. “This is cool.”
Jax opened his eyes wide; like he could see me even though I knew; he was too young to focus. I’d read that they could recognize voices, so I pulled the baby up to my lips and kissed his forehead. “I love you little Jax. Daddy’s here and I’m never going anywhere.”
The nurse, who was standing over Iz like she was going to drop her brother, helped her lift her brother’s head to her lips so she could kiss him like I had done.”I love you Jake.” She looked up at me. “Can we switch now?”
Truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go of Jax, but I wanted to hold Jake too. I realized that I would now need three arms to hold my three kids, so that none of them had to go without or wait in line. I wanted them to always have me there for them. They needed to know they could count on me through the good and even the bad.
As the nurse switched the babies, I kissed Jake for the first time. His soft little skin smelled like a normal baby, but as my lips lingered over his little cheek, I thought about him being inside of Miranda. His little heart beat because of her. His perfect skin reminded me of hers and I looked up at the nurse, unable to wait a single second longer. “I don’t care what I have to do, but please, I need to see her. I don’t care if it is through a piece of glass, just let me be close to her.”
“Daddy, are you going to see Mommy? I want to go.”
I shook my head. “You need to stay here and help watch your brothers for a little while. Are you up for your first babysitting job?” I tried to make it sound interesting enough that she wouldn’t ask questions. I shouldn’t have just blurted out about seeing Miranda, but I couldn’t take it anymore.
Izzy was a good little girl and with the help of another nurse, she agreed to stay and make sure the women knew what her brothers needed. At least they laughed about her attitude while we were walking out.
I had no idea where the nurse was taking me; in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they took me and sedated me until I could calm down. One minute I was calm and the next I was demanding things that were above and beyond their jobs. Hospitals implemented rules for reasons, but my wife’s life trumped every rule.
I had to see her. She needed to know I wasn’t ever going to leave her. I needed her to be alive so we could be a family. I needed her to live because imagining living one second without her made me want to die myself. Every time I thought about it, I felt like someone was kicking me in the chest, taking all of the oxygen out of my lungs.
My body was shaking more with each step. Sweat was running down my temples, but I was cold. My head pounded and the bright hospital lights made me squint. I was petrified of my wife’s fate. I was afraid that when the nurse stopped the door would read ‘morgue’, instead of ‘OR’.
Miranda was the most fascinating human being that I’d ever known. My heart belonged to her heart. There was never a second in our relationship where I questioned our future. We were meant to be together, I believed that with everything I had.
I just had to know either way. I needed to know whether I was going to have to raise three children by myself, or with the love of my life.
It wasn’t too much to ask, it was everything.
“You can’t be in the room, Mr. Mitchell. The closest I can get you is through the window and you aren’t supposed to even be in there, due to the severity of the situation.” She led me through doors that we needed a pass code for. “Stay in here. Please don’t knock on the window. I will come back and check on you soon.”
She went to walk away, but I grabbed her by the arm.”Wait! Please don’t leave. I don’t know if I can look at her. What if she’s….?” I couldn’t say it.
The window was covered by a mini-blind. The nurse walked over and started opening it. “I can hear the beeping of her heart on the monitor. Your wife is a fighter. She’s been in surgery for over two hours and she is still with us.” Before I looked up, I took a few deep breaths. “This room is for cesareans. Families can watch from a distance and not interfere with the surgery. Most of what they are doing isn’t in view from this window, but at least you can see her.”
When I opened my eyes, I saw the medical team surrounding the table where my wife lay. Wires were hooked to her arms and I could see a bag of blood hanging that was being forced into Miranda through an IV. Behind that was a monitor showing her heart rate. I placed my hand on the glass and took my actual first look at my wife.
She was alive.
I knew she wasn’t out of the woods, but the fact that I could see her breathing, helped me so much. For the past few hours, I did nothing but think she was gone. I rested my head on the glass and let out my first breath of relief. “I’m here, Baby.” I closed my eyes and imagined being in there holding her hand. It didn’t matter that a nurse was standing behind me. I didn’t care about anything, but my wife.
Then it all hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.
She was in here because of me.
She was hanging on by a thread to life because of me.
I did this.
My actions caused this.
I would never be able to forgive myself for causing this to her.
I had to open my eyes when I could hear a commotion coming from the operating room. A nurse was running toward Miranda with some big machine and I noticed the constant sound instead of a beeping. My heart dropped when I realized what was happening. “No!” I screamed. A heavyset nurse noticed me watching and walked toward the window. I figured she was going to point at me, but instead she lowered a separate mini-blind on her side of the glass. I smacked on the window one time and sank to the floor. I could hear them clear enough to know that Miranda’s heart had stopped.
A female voice yelled ‘clear’ and the beeping immediately started back up. I stood quickly hoping they would re-open the blinds, but nothing happened. I just stood there staring at the blinds, not knowing what the fuck was happening in the next room.
I needed her to fight. Our children needed her to make it through this. She had to live. She had to be okay.
The nurse came back into the room, followed by a man. I uncovered my hands from my face and looked at both of them with tears already in my eyes.
No! It can’t be. I can hear the monitor. Do not be in here to tell me you lost her.
“Mr. Mitchell, I’m Dr. Patel. I’m sorry we are meeting for such circumstances. Perhaps you would like to sit so we can talk about your wife’s situation.” He motioned for me to sit in a chair at the far side of the little room.
I sat down and stared at the window, even though I couldn’t see through it. “I’m listening.”
“I know the nurses have briefed you on your wife’s condition, but I’m not sure that you understand the severity of it. You see, Mrs. Mitchell’s accident caused her uterus to tear. This is a rare condition that usually results in some sort of trauma to the pregnant mother. Now in most cases, the mother and sometimes the fetus do not make it. In more common cases, the mother can be saved while the baby is stillborn.”
I finally looked at the doctor, unable to take his serious tone, without giving him my undivided attention. “They told me my boys were fine.”
He nodded. “It’s a miracle in itself for us to not only save one, but both of them. You see, while we were delivering your sons, both of their lungs filled with your wife’s blood. We were able to get them both breathing on their own with little effort and you should never worry about them having any long-term problems. Their lungs are functioning properly and in other cases, the children had never had a single problem with their lungs. The nurses have informed me that both boys are very healthy and are fully developed. Considering they were premature, it is good to hear.”
I held my hand up. “I love my children, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I need you to tell me about my wife right now. I can’t talk about the kids until I know about their mother. You beating around the bush right now is making me think the worst. If she’s gone, I deserve to know.” I buried my face into my hands. “She’s gone isn’t she?”
The room fell silent for what seemed like a whole minute. I wanted to vomit, to scream, to bust my body through the wall to get to her, but I felt a hand on my knee and slowly looked up. “She’s stable. She isn’t out of the woods, but your wife is alive. She is a fighter.”
I stood up and started pacing. “I need to see her. She needs to know I’m here.”
He held up his finger. “We need to wait a while for that. She is going to be transferred to the intensive care unit, the ICU, where she will have a nurse at her side for the next twenty-four hours. Visitors will be limited to immediate family and no children are permitted.”
“Is she going to make it?” Say she is.
“Only time will tell, but we will do everything we can to see that she does.” The doctor seemed to be optimistic, which still didn’t sit right with me. I needed to touch her. I needed to see her for myself.
“Look Doc, I appreciate everything you are doing, but I need to see my wife. I won’t tell anyone, I won’t even touch her, but please let me see her. I just need five minutes. Please.” If you don’t let me see her, I am going to beat down every door until I find her myself.
He looked at the nurse and whispered in her ear, while I stood there waiting for his response. “Let us get her moved and monitor her for an hour. We can get you in to see her, but everyone else will have to wait until she gets out of the ICU.”
“Whatever it takes. I will do whatever I have to do.”
“Go back and be with your children. We will come get you as soon as we can get you in there.”
The doctor started to walk away. “Wait! Please promise me that the next time we talk it will be for me to see my wife and not for you to tell me she’s gone. I need to hear it.”
He reached out his hand for me to shake. “I will do everything in my power to make sure you see your wife as soon as possible.”
It was enough for me to be hopeful. It wasn’t a guarantee, but it was enough.
The next hour would be the longest of my life.
Chapter 22
Miranda
I remembered being brought in by ambulance and I even vaguely remember the nurses attending to me at first. Once the stabbing pain hit, it was hard to hold on. Nothing could have prepared me for that type of pain. One minute I was having a normal kind of contraction and the next I felt like I had fallen back first into a picket fence. I tried to hold on to consciousness, but it became too much to bear.
The last thing I thought of was Ty and how much I wished he was with me.
A bright light caused me to wake up and for a split second, I was sure that I’d died and was being forced into the light, but then faces came into my vision and soon I could hear their voices.
They were telling me to hold on; to fight. I needed to live; to see my children and love my husband. Suddenly, nothing mattered except for that. I needed to fight for them, because they needed me as much as I wanted them. I felt someone holding my hand and I just believed that he was there with me. I didn’t know how he got there, or how long it had been, I just knew he was holding my hand and saying my name.
In this brief part of my memory, I don’t remember feeling the pain and I am sure of that because when the pain did start to come back, it was even worse than before. The figure holding my hand wasn’t my husband, but a doctor in a white coat. He gave me a smile and a squeeze when he saw me looking at him.
“Keep holding on,” he whispered.
�
�Ty.” He was all I wanted to see.
I knew I was crying, not that it mattered. It was obvious I was having surgery. A bunch of nurses were surrounding me and suddenly I felt a tug and then saw a very bloody baby being pulled from my body. I could hear the people, but not one single cry. I instinctively tried to reach for my baby, but realized I was fastened to the table. “No please…why isn’t he crying? Someone help him!”
A nurse came up and steadied my head as I cried out for my baby. A second tug was felt and I watched my second son being pulled out of me, also covered in blood. “NO! NO! Why aren’t they crying? Why are they covered in blood? Someone help them.”
I tried to look behind me to see where they were taking my boys. This couldn’t be happening. They were just moving around and fine just hours ago. I couldn’t lose my boys, I just couldn’t.
The more I cried out for them, the less the medical staff would tell me. Finally, I heard the doors opening and closing and then nothing. No sounds of babies. Not one single sound.
I couldn’t lose them like this. They couldn’t be gone. As devastating as it was for me to think about, the next thing that came to mind was Ty. How was he going to handle losing his sons? This would kill him. It was killing me.
The pain was becoming unbearable and I screamed out at the top of my lungs.
“I can’t give her anymore. It’s worn off already.” The doctor holding my hand announced to someone else in the room.
“Give her something else.” Someone else yelled.
“I can give her morphine, but she will still feel the pain, you know that.”
I was fading in and out from the severity of the pain. My mind fought to hold on while my body was giving up. Part of me didn’t want to live if I lost my boys, but I knew I couldn’t just leave Ty with Bella. It wasn’t because I thought he couldn’t do it, it was because I couldn’t imagine a life without them either. Every single happy moment of my life was because of them. I couldn’t give up.
Time sort of stood still for me.
I didn’t think I’d fallen asleep, but when I woke up new people were in the room and the man that had been holding my hand was gone. I tried to move my arms again, just to fail when they didn’t budge. I tried to focus on the room, but the morphine must have been working because it was hard to focus clearly. I moved my head some more and saw that the doctor standing over my body was covered in my blood.
Risking Fate Page 21
