1. Focus on each moment that you’re experiencing. Notice all the sensations in your body, including touch, sights, sounds, smell, and taste.
2. You’re probably finding thoughts coming into your mind. Pay attention to them. Make a note of whether they’re about the future, or the past. Just notice them, then return your attention to your body’s sensations.
3. Focus on your breathing, feeling the air as it goes in your nose, into your lungs, and out again. Notice the rhythm of your breathing.
4. More thoughts are going to start coming into your mind. Remember, thoughts are just thoughts.
5. Return to your breathing. Notice how good the air feels.
6. If you have sad or anxious feelings, notice where you’re feeling them in your body. Is your chest tight, or your stomach churning? Stay with those sensations. Give your sensations your full attention.
7. If you have thoughts about your feelings, notice how interesting it is that the mind is taking stock of everything that is going on. Watch those thoughts and let them drift past, like leaves floating down stream, and the clouds drifting across the sky. Return to the present moment and the sensations in your body.
8. If more thoughts come, notice the you observing those thoughts in the present moment. If dozens of thoughts flood your mind, try imagining them as a torrent, rushing down a waterfall, while you stand watching behind the waterfall.
9. Return to your breathing. Pay attention to how nice and rhythmic it feels.
10. If you hear sounds, try not to judge them. For example, if you hear loud music outside, just notice the sounds as sounds. Not good or bad. Pick out the rhythm or the notes and let yourself hear them. If the phone rings, be aware of the sound, but don’t answer it right now.
11. Notice what you see at the back of your eyelids when you close your eyes. See the interesting patterns and forms that come and go.
12. Once again experience the sensation of your whole body breathing.
If you have trouble with this approach to dealing with your thoughts, you may want to read or re-read Part II, which helps you understand how habitual thoughts often don’t reflect reality. The techniques of cognitive therapy in Part II help you to reorganise these thoughts in a useful way. You can also use the strategies in this chapter to help you improve the way you’re connecting with your thoughts.
When you start viewing your negative thoughts as just something to be noticed, rather than as statements of fact you’re likely going to discover that you’ve been taking your negative thoughts far too seriously. Do be careful not to engage in negative thoughts about your negative thoughts! Recognise that forming a new relationship with your thoughts takes time. Your goal is to begin to connect more directly with your experience, rather than getting lost in your thoughts.
Connecting mindfully with all things great and small
The mind has such an interesting way of turning everyday tasks into something you’d rather avoid. Imagine you’re queuing at the supermarket checkout, where each cashier’s queue is longer than the last. Do thoughts like these run through your mind?
This is awful. I’ve got so much to do today.
Why did I choose this time and this supermarket? It’s totally packed. Am I an idiot, or what?
Oh no, the blinking light is flashing. It takes ages for someone to come! Then they have to get whatever it is sorted – I’ll never get out of here!
My queue just has to have the slowest cashier in the whole wide world.
Sounds familiar? Your thoughts are fighting against what is inevitably going to happen. And guess what? The negative thoughts stir up tension, anxiety, and angst. That’s pointless and futile, because what is, is. It really can be as simple as that.
As an alternative to resisting what is, think about Accepting What Is. The next time you’re doing something that your mind tries to tell you is unacceptable just accept the inevitable. Standing in that long queue at the checkout is a great chance of practising Accepting What Is. Here’s how . . .
1. Notice your breathing.
2. Feel the air go in your nostrils, down into your lungs, and out again.
3. Notice the rhythm of your breathing.
4. Notice how your feet feel, as they make contact with the floor.
5. Notice the sounds around you. Try not to judge them. Rather, hear the loud, sharp noises, the soft sounds, the background hum, and the unexpected disruptions.
6. Notice the people around you without passing judgement on them. See what they look like. Notice what they do.
7. If thoughts start to enter your head about things you must do, notice how interesting they are, and let them drift by. Then return to the here and now.
8. Notice your breathing once more. Feel the air.
9. Notice any smells wafting by. Again, don’t judge them as good or bad.
10. Don’t suppress thoughts; just notice them, otherwise they may try to interfere with your attempts at experiencing and accepting what is.
How many mundane chores and tasks do you resist? Doing the dishes (or emptying the dishwasher!), mowing the lawn, vacuuming, or doing the household shopping? Bet you’ve got a pretty impressive list of things you try to get out of doing.
The more you resist what is, the more you’re going to build up negative feelings and tension.
Try approaching life’s tasks mindfully. At first, dozens of thoughts concerning past regrets, present irritations, and future worries are going to interrupt and disrupt your attempts at connecting with what is. With practice, you’re going to become aware of them, let them drift by, and recognise that they really are no more than just passing thoughts. After getting the hang of doing things mindfully you’re going to find you’re no longer as irritated by or keen to avoid so many everyday tasks. You can even apply this strategy to your home exercise programme for helping you ease depression. (Refer to Chapter 10).
Enhancing pleasure mindfully
When you’re suffering from depression your mind can deny you small pleasures by focusing on the past or the future, and blocking out what is happening in the present. How many times have you eaten a meal and hardly tasted your food? That happens when negative thoughts are racing through your mind.
The next time you do something that should be pleasurable (almost any activity is going to do), try to approach it mindfully. For example, if you’re sitting down to eat, try the Food for Thought strategy:
1. Notice the food on your plate; observe the shapes, colours, and smells.
2. Spear a bite-sized piece of food with your fork. Bring it near your nose.
3. Smell the food for a few moments.
4. Touch the food first with your lips, and then with your tongue.
5. Put the food in your mouth, but wait a moment before you chew.
6. Feel the texture of your food on your tongue.
7. Chew ever so slowly.
8. Notice how your food feels and tastes on different parts of your tongue.
9. Swallow your food. Focus on both the taste and texture as it slides down.
10. Continue eating, paying close attention to the whole experience of your meal.
Try getting into the habit of mindful eating. You’re likely to get much more pleasure out of your meal if you do. If troubling thoughts start to interfere, deal with them using the strategies we suggest in this chapter – notice your thoughts, reminding yourself that these thoughts are just thoughts, and then simply carry on eating. You’re likely to discover how relaxed you feel when eating. You may even lose a little weight! Eating slowly allows the brain to spot when you’re feeling full – stopping you from over indulging.
Thoughts are just thoughts . . .
Chapter 19
Heading for Happiness through Positive Psychology
In This Chapter
Appreciating that happiness is a good thing
Avoiding seductive, illusory paths to happiness
Building a foundation for authentic happiness
I
n this chapter, we look at the key ideas from the field of positive psychology. Hopefully, you’ve reached the point where depression isn’t dominating your life. But we want you to feel better than merely ‘not being depressed’. And in discovering how to enhance your experience of authentic happiness, we hope and expect that your depression is going to be less likely to recur.
Donald took over his father’s building firm when his dad retired after Donald’s mother was recovering from cancer, and his parents deciding it was high time they retired and started enjoying some quality life together. His father, always a happy, contented man, found it really satisfying and gratifying to go that extra mile whatever the job, giving ‘beyond the call of duty’ service to friends and neighbours alike.
Donald always thought his father was out of touch with the times, and he was impatient to start expanding the business. In just ten years, Donald quadrupled the turnover by subcontracting much of the work. He became very wealthy.
However, Donald overextended, and when the property market slumped and the credit crunch bit in the late 2000s, he wasn’t able to meet his outgoings. Donald was forced into bankruptcy. He then fell into a deep depression. Antidepressant medication (refer to Chapter 15 for more information) helped him through his depression, and a year later he set up a successful domestic cleaning business. Although he was no longer depressed, Donald’s life felt empty and pointless. He began to feel that something was missing, but what could it be?
The answer to Donald’s feelings of emptiness may well be found on a newly sprouting branch of the tree of psychology, which started growing in the late 20th century. Dr Martin Seligman and colleagues are central figures in shaping a new development called positive psychology. Dr Seligman’s starting point is that for far too long psychology has been focusing on what’s wrong in people’s lives, and working out how to fix it, without taking into account the benefits of fostering and enhancing positive emotions and outcomes. In only a short time psychologists have discovered a lot about what you can do to achieve genuine, otherwise known as authentic, happiness.
You’re going to get the greatest benefit from this chapter if you’ve already got over your depression. If you’re still wrestling with a major depression many of the ideas in this chapter may not work for you just now. So, do consider reading other chapters (such as 5, 6, and 7) or seeking professional help to overcome your depression before moving onto the next stage of achieving authentic happiness.
Searching for Happiness
Everyone wants to be happy, right? Well, not exactly. Some people feel that they don’t deserve happiness. Others see happiness as a frivolous pursuit and essentially a waste of time. And some people both desire and search for happiness, yet fail to find it. We now explain why, for many people, happiness is so difficult to find.
Making the case for being happy
Perhaps you feel that you don’t deserve to be happy. If so, you’re probably someone who often experiences guilt and self-blame. If that’s you, read or reread Chapters 3, 5, 6, and 7 carefully. You may need to do further work on certain core change-blocking beliefs or habitual ways of thinking (go to Chapters 3 and 7) before starting down the path towards authentic happiness.
Perhaps you feel you deserve happiness as much as anyone else, but you think happiness is an overrated idea? This perspective can spring from the messages you got from your parents when you were a child. Some children are told that work is the one and only valuable activity in life, and that anything else is merely a diversion from what’s really important.
A growing body of studies increasingly highlights and confirms the value of happiness. Today we now know that happy people:
Live longer
Are more creative
Have lower blood pressure
Have more active immune systems
Have more empathy with others
Are more successful financially
Are more productive
So, if work is your main concern in life, it seems that happiness means you’re going to work more efficiently and productively. Happiness is also good for your health and wellbeing, and it also means you’re likely to live longer. Now those are pretty convincing arguments.
Chasing rainbows : Looking for happiness in all the wrong places
What do a lot of advertisers, booksellers, drug dealers, cult leaders, pornography peddlers, and lifestyle gurus have in common? One way and another, they promise short cuts and quick fixes to happiness and wellbeing. Many people are buying into the messages from these quick-fix happiness traffickers – just take a look at the sales of cars, clothing, lifestyle workshops, gizmos, and even drugs compared with 40 or 50 years ago.
We’re certainly not saying that everything on offer is worthless, useless, a scam, and bad for you! But it’s interesting to see that though many people are financially better off, with more possessions, surprisingly, the number who describe themselves as ‘very happy’ has declined over the last 40 years. (fAt the same time, the divorce rate has increased, both violent crime, and suicide among young people has also risen. Dr Martin Seligman estimates that among the affluent countries in the world, depression now occurs at levels that are ten times greater than they were in 1960. He also suggests that people in less developed countries aren’t significantly unhappier than those in the developed world
Many studies show that for most people, once their basic needs are met (such as food, shelter, clothing, and having a safety net) improvements in their finances doesn’t especially lead to feeling happier. You’re as likely to be happy if you just have enough money to get by as you are if you have more money than you know what to do with.
So if no pot of gold lies at the end of the rainbow, what can you expect to find when you get there? Perhaps you see a link between the following and happiness:
Education
Good climate
Good looks
Health
Power
Youth
But guess what? Just like money, not one of above ideas has been found to be a particularly strong predictor of happiness and wellbeing. Yet strangely enough, many people devote much of their lives to the pursuit of these very things, convinced that, if successful, their quest is going to lead to happiness: not realising that they’re simply chasing an illusion.
Studies also show that enjoying good health is no guarantee of happiness, and on the other side of the coin, poor health isn’t necessarily a barrier to happiness either.
But if these things don’t lead to happiness, what does? Though no one knows all the answers, the field of positive psychology is beginning to reveal some interesting possibilities. In the rest of this chapter we explore some things more likely to bring happiness, and invite you to look at each carefully.
Getting Started on the Road to Happiness
The long road to happiness has no short cuts. So you may well wonder why, in Chapter 11, we recommend indulging in short-lived pleasures like drinking tea or eating chocolates. The reasoning behind these suggestions is that people typically do very few enjoyable things when they become depressed. Fleeting sensory delights don’t lead to genuine, long-lasting happiness; but they can kick-start your efforts to climb out of depression. In the following sections, we look beyond tea and chocolate to discover what leads to lasting well-being, and , authentic happiness – the real thing!
Appreciating the value of gratitude
Gratitude? Not perhaps what you’d put top of your list, if we asked you to suggest what constitutes the basis of happiness. By gratitude we mean appreciating or being thankful for the good things that have happened to you through circumstances, or through the actions of other people.
Most of the world’s major religions, including Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, praise the values and virtues of gratitude. And within literature references abound pointing to gratitude increasing your sense of wellbeing, happiness, and contentment. Does consciously focusing on feeling grateful lead to happiness?
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