by Robin Banks
I know I’ve not being doing great at work. I’ve done my best, but my best hasn’t been very good. I didn’t realize I was doing that badly, though. I know I wouldn't have my job if it weren’t for Alya and Raj. Now I have to wonder whether I would have kept it this long. Maybe Lara is only putting up with me because of them. It wouldn’t surprise me.
It does surprise me, though, somehow. It must, because it hurts. Everything I managed to eat congeals in my stomach, my eyes are getting itchy, and my chest feels like it’s caving in. The only way I can keep on going is to turn all my dials down, to push everything down so deep that I can’t feel it anymore. I just feel empty instead.
“What about Raj?”
She nearly smiles. “I’ll ask him. We should have a third on board, and he’ll want to come if he can. I don’t think he’s too busy at the moment. It would be a nice family trip, wouldn’t it?”
Yeah. Stuck on a ship with nothing to do but watch two of the people I love the most worry about me. The two people to whom I owe everything, the two people I’ve let down the most… Nah, that’s not right. That’s not even close to being right. I fucking wish that was the case.
“Yeah, Alya. It’ll be a nice break.”
“There you go. You get your stuff packed, ok? I’ll sort the rest.”
“Sure.”
When we get to my room, I smile for her. I do my best, anyway. Maybe it’s not good enough, because she frowns at me.
“Are you alright packing?”
“I’ll manage.”
“I’ll come for you as soon as our ship is ready. It’ll probably be an hour or so. I don’t want to kick the techs out of bed on a whim.”
“Sure. I’ll be ready.”
I walk inside and jam a bunch of clothes into my bag. It doesn’t take me long and there’s nothing else I need. That gives me the time to go to the ‘fresher and throw up my breakfast. I thought I might feel better without that weight inside me, but I don’t. Instead, I feel empty and hurting. How can emptiness hurt?
I lie down on my bed. The pain in my chest is so bad that I’m struggling to breathe, but I know it will get better. It always does. If I push down on it too long so I can get on with stuff, I have to pay for it afterwards, is all. I just have to let it out for a bit. I curl around it and let it run through me until there’s a knock at my door. Then I push it back down, turn all my dials down as far as they will go, pick up my bag, and get out.
When I open the door to see that Raj is there with Alya and that he’s got his bags, I don’t know whether to feel relief or worry. I can’t feel a damn thing anyway, but it seems I should know how I would feel. On the one hand, having Raj along will make my life easier, because he’ll keep Alya occupied. On the other, I’ll have two sets of eyes looking at me, two lots of disappointment to deal with.
I’m getting an early start at disappointing people, apparently. Alya gives my bag a dismayed look. “Is that all you’ve got?”
“Yeah.”
She keeps staring at me, so I carry on.
“If it’s just the three of us, I won’t need formal clothes. I’m good.”
“What about Jay?”
“What about him?”
“Aren’t you taking him?”
“Wasn’t going to.”
“Any reason why?”
“I’ve not been playing much lately, is all.”
Raj is staring at the floor and I feel like a heel. Jay is my second guitar. I bought him after I’d been working and saving up a few months. He’s gorgeous and plays like a dream. Raj gave me my first one. I think for a while he thought I was going to get somewhere with it, that I could get good. I didn’t.
Alya takes a deep breath. “Luke, I’d really appreciate it if you would take him along. Just in case.”
“He’s back at the annex.”
“You never brought him over?”
“Nah.”
Her jaw clenches. Whatever’s coming next is not going to be good. Thankfully, Raj cuts in.
“I can go get him. If you don’t mind.”
“Sure. Thank you.” Anything to get Alya off my back, and anything to stop me having to go there. Which is why he volunteered, of course.
I like Raj a lot. I’m not close to him like I am to Alya, but it’s not a reflection on the guy. Alya and I have gone through a lot together, is all. She’s the closest thing I’m ever going to have to a sister. I couldn’t have picked a better guy for her, though. Raj is solid. We’ve got pretty much nothing in common apart from music because our lives have been very different, but he gets things. That’s the problem: it’s hard to keep my shit from hitting him. It’s not that he’s not strong, or can’t deal. It’s just that he actually gives a damn, and he’s got a weird belief or hope that the world should be better than it is. Sometimes I think that’s fucked up, because the dude is old enough to know better. Sometimes I think that’s great, and I would hate to be the one who fucks it all up for him. Sometimes I think I already did.
He goes off to get my guitar while Alya and I get settled on ship. I know she’s deeply unhappy about all of this, but I can’t think of a single good thing to say that will ease her tension. It doesn’t take Raj long to get back, thankfully.
“Luke, I’m sorry. I couldn’t find a ship case for him. I got you your old one instead.”
“Nah, this is better. This one has travelled a ton. I know she’ll be safe.”
“What do you call her, anyway?”
“I don’t. I’ve never had to call her anything. There’s only one of her.”
That makes him smile. That’s good. Maybe I can manage this. All I have to do is act normal for them, and my normal isn’t that stellar anyway.
“Alya? How far is it to your mailbox?”
“Four days.”
Eight days there and back, minimum.
I’ve got fuck-all chance of pulling this off.
Raj’s ship is top of the range. Hell, everything Raj has is top of the range. That’s what you get for being an Anteian princeling, though you have to pay for it in a ton of ways. I’m sure there are things his family can’t afford, but I can’t think of any. It makes sense for them to get the best stuff, really. They can afford it, so they may as well enjoy it, and it saves credit in the long run: instead of buying some cheap piece of shit that’ll need replacing every five minutes, they get the best there is and keep it in top shape. I’ve saved a ton since I’ve started buying clothes where Raj goes. That stuff never falls apart.
The ship is a few years old now, but it could have come out the yard yesterday. You’d struggle to find a comfier way to get slingshot into space, even when Alya’s piloting. It’s not that she’s a bad pilot. It’s not even that she can’t fly sensibly. It’s just that she chooses not to, most of the time. I think maybe it’s some kind of release valve for her. Ever since she got with Raj her life has been safe and her behavior has been unfailingly appropriate. Before then, things had been a lot more lively. Not in a good way, to be honest, but it definitely wasn’t boring. Maybe this is how she gets her adrenaline fix. Maybe she just likes to push ships as far as they can go. Either way, I’m damn glad that Raj’s gear is good: if she ever pushed our old ship like she’s pushing this one, we’d have disintegrated before leaving atmo.
As soon as we’re out of the gravity well and our course stabilizes, I make my excuses and go to my cabin. Alya doesn’t look terribly happy about it, but Raj whispers something and she lets me go without making a fuss.
One of the good things about this ship is that, aside from the g-force, the life support parameters can be independently set. The communal areas seem to have been set to Anteian spring. It’s warm but not too hot, and the light is bright and mellow at the same time. They’ve even got some kind of flower smell coming through the air vents. All it needs is the tweeting of birds and I could close my eyes and believe that I’m sitting in the gardens outside my annex. It’s objectively lovely. It’s nobody’s fault but mine that it makes me wa
nt to carve out a vein.
The setting in my cabin is different. I bet Alya had something to do with this. The light and temperature remind me of early mornings in Thalia, and Alya is the only one who was there with me. We had a good time there. An interesting time, anyway. It was sweet of her to do this for me.
I record the settings as a program, so I can bring it back up at short notice in case Alya or Raj wanna come in. Then I set it to how I like it, with the lights down and the temperature just cold enough to bite a little. I lie on my bed and calculate how long I can stay here without worrying the guys. Maybe it’s good I’ve brought my guitar. They’ll think I’m busy playing and leave me alone. I think about putting some music on to fob them off in case they check, but I don’t have any recordings that sound as shit as I do, so I don’t bother.
Four days to Alya’s ‘mailbox’, which turns out to be a trading post on an ex-Fed tube. Four days spent trying not to implode or explode. I spend enough time with the guys to stop them worrying about me, every moment of that concentrating on not slipping up, on behaving like I’m ok. I spend way too much time with myself, with nothing to do but trying not to think. Being alone scares me now, in a distant, vague way. It’s weird, because I’ve always been a loner. I don’t trust myself now, I guess. When I’m with people, I don’t trust myself not to hurt them. When I’m on my own it’s only myself I can hurt, but there’s nobody to stop me.
Four days in a fucking tin can, feeling like whatever the fuck this is isn’t a part of me anymore: it’s an organism feeding on me, getting stronger as I get weaker. Four fucking days of this, and when we finally get there and bribe our way through this shithole of a place, the ‘mailbox’ is empty.
Alya’s response is a stream of obscenities bad enough to make Raj flinch. He grimaces in apology at the poor kid staffing the com office and leads Alya out while she’s still muttering. We walk around aimlessly until she’s worked it out of her system. She’s so fucking pissed off that nobody dares to bother us. Even the street sellers take a look at her face and back right off. When she’s gone from raging to merely livid, we stop for coffee.
She’s halfway through her cup when she puts her drink down, looks at Raj, and sighs.
“Well, I’m sorry. Looks like I’ve wasted everybody’s time.”
He strokes her hand. “You had to give it a try. It was important.”
“There’s no message. Luke hasn’t heard anything more. Chances are he just had a dream, like normal people do, and I freaked out and made a huge deal out of it. I wasted your time and your resources.”
“Time spent with you is never wasted. I wasn’t busy, and they’re our resources, not mine. You’re entitled to wasting them. Just don’t use up more than your half, ok?”
“I can’t wait to hear what your dad makes of this.”
“Don’t tell him. Tell him that I took you away so I could have you all to myself for nefarious purposes.”
She gestures in my direction. “And Luke?”
“Chaperone, to protect your honor.”
“Raj, we’re married. Bringing a chaperone seems like overkill.”
He shrugs. “Better safe than sorry, when it comes to something as valuable as my wife’s honor. And we could always ditch him. We could park him up in a hotel somewhere, go to a different one, and come out in a couple of days. Luke is a good friend. He’d do that for me.”
I manage to smile at him. “Sure thing. Just make sure you’re staying far enough so I can’t hear you.”
“Stop being awful, the two of you!” sputters Alya. “Seriously, what are we going to do now?”
“It’s up to you. Luke and I don’t have any pressing demands. We could push on until we’re in free com range with Dee, or give up and go back. I wouldn’t mind staying on for a couple of days, though, now we’re here.”
“Here? In this craphole? Have you suddenly developed a taste for dystopian chic?”
“We’ve not been off Anteia for ages. We could go out for a drink, catch some music. I’d like a bit of time somewhere where nobody knows me.”
He says it very casually, which is normal for him. Raj never makes a fuss unless something is really messed up. I know he really wants this, though. He has a good life on Anteia, but a life with very little freedom in it. His family is famous as well as loaded, and everything he does reflects on them. They’re supportive of him, they always have been, but it doesn’t make him feel any less responsible towards them. I feel sorry for him, sometimes. My life’s been pretty messed up at times, particularly when I was a kid, but the most fun I’ve had was doing stuff I shouldn’t have. Raj has never had a chance to do any of that. The most outrageous thing he ever did was marrying Alya, and she was definitely worth it.
Alya is as aware of this as I am. She’s done her level best to make up for her background with her behavior. Sometimes I think she overdoes it. After all, if Raj had wanted to get hitched to a stuffy Anteian matron, he could have found himself one with zero effort. They’re still working their shit out, I guess. That’s probably an ongoing effort with long-term relationships. She gets him, though, probably more than she lets on. She hates being soppy.
“I’d like to be somewhere where nobody knows you, too. That way I can ditch you and go listen to music that doesn't make me want to cry.”
He snorts. “Sure. Because your music collection is all light and joy. I’ll let you ditch me if you can name three decent love songs in which the lovers don’t die a terrible death.”
“Easy! ‘The Lovers Token.’”
“That’s one. Two more and you’re free to roam this tube to your heart’s content.”
“‘Polly.’”
“That’s the same song.”
“Is not!”
While they’re bickering, which is their way of flirting, I let myself space out. A couple of days here would be a good idea for everybody, really. They’ll have a ton of fun and I could do with a breather before getting stuck on a ship again.
The truth is that I don’t want to go back to Anteia. Gods, I really don’t want that. Being here is not much, but it means I’m not there.
I must have nodded off because Alya shakes me awake.
“Kid, you’re dead on your feet. Shall we head back to the ship?”
“I can get back on my own. You guys go and have fun.”
“You’re not coming?”
“Let me see how I feel after a nap. Right now I couldn’t stay awake.”
“Alright. If you’re sure. We’ll send a com to the ship when we decide where we’re going. You can catch up with us if you feel like it.”
I stumble back to the ship in a half daze. I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe something about this station is sapping the life out of me, or I’ve suddenly relaxed after having survived our trip out. All I know is that I’m really zonked out. It could be the sleep deprivation catching up with me, too. Whatever it is, the moment I get into bed I switch off.
The com wakes me up. I forgot to set it to silent before going to sleep. Just as well, though.
“Alya? Change of plans. Get over here.”
“What? Why? Are you ok?”
“Yeah. Dee just got in touch.”
“It was a simple timing issue. I should have thought about it. I had to be receiving while she was sending, and she can’t send all day long. She thought I was on Anteian time. My sleep’s been kinda scrambled, so…”
Alya purses her lips at that. I pretend not to see it.
“…so I kept missing her. Now she got me. We need to get to free com range. I’ve got coordinates. I’ve looked it up, and I don’t think it’s far – a couple of days at most. I’m sorry if this messes up your party plans.”
Raj shrugs. “I’ll have to find some other means of entertaining myself while I’m stuck in space with the most wonderful woman in the world.”
“Technically, while we’re on ship and out of atmo, she’s also the only woman in the world.”
He beams. “Pre
cisely.”
“Boys!” barks Alya. “Would you be so kind as to put your sensible brains on? If you can find them, that is.”
Raj picks up her hand and kisses it. “Not much to be sensible about. You’re the captain of my ship and my heart. I am at your mercy.”
I mumble to Alya, “You’d already started on the drinking, hadn’t you?”
“Barely. But apparently enough for lover boy here to lose his few remaining marbles.”
Raj shakes his head. “It wasn’t the drink. It was your eyes. They’re intoxicating.”
“Alright! Kid, we better get going. The sooner we’re on way, the sooner I can put him to bed.”
Raj grins. “Beautiful and passionate. How did I get so lucky?”
It’s less than two days before we get to where Dee’s signal can reach us. When we finally get her on our screen, it’s a bit of a shock. Every time I’ve seen her, she was radiant. I find it hard to picture her in my head, to be honest: all I see is a luminous, beautiful being. Now she looks tired and stressed out, her inner light a sharp beam rather than a soft glow.
She doesn’t muck about with niceties, either.
“I’m on my way home on medical leave. It was the only way I could think to get off that damn station without anyone getting suspicious.”
Alya’s eyes widen. “Are you ok?”
“No, but I’m not ill. I’m just good at cheating tests. Alya, this could be serious, and we have no time. I will give you all the information I can, but I want to keep this short. I don’t want this conversation to get picked up.”
“Sure. Is it that bad?”
“I think so. I’ve dreamt about you. The three of you, I think. Raj, I’m sorry: I don’t know you enough to be sure. I think it was you, though. Whoever it was, he loved Alya very much.”
Raj smiles goofily. “I don’t hold a monopoly on loving her, but I resemble that remark.”
“In the dream, there were some problems with Kolya. Not him personally, not as such. With his planet – don’t say the name! They may have tracers on that.”
