by Robin Banks
That’s when Gwen starts crying, huge tears rolling down her cheeks. I don’t know when I started; I just know that I can’t stop.
Asher sighs and walks over to sit on the bed with us.
“I’m sorry. I did not mean to upset you.” That only makes us cry harder, so he hugs us, too, and holds us tight until we’ve both exhausted our tears.
“Chins up, darlings. I’ll pass on the stiff upper lips, as I intend to kiss you later, if you’ll allow me. It was never my intention to cause such widespread flooding.”
Gwen squeezes closer to him.
“Does that mean you can make it unhappen?”
“No. It wasn’t untrue and it won’t be undone. But we’ll muddle on. This ain’t our first rodeo.”
I squeeze to the other side of him.
“But it’s the first one where I feel like I’ve chucked you under a horse.”
“First time for everything. And this is not all about you, anyway. I have been in a rotten mood myself. I find our guests weighing so heavily on my spirit that the whole oracle-driven mission seems a minor inconvenience.”
Gwen rubs the last of the tears off her face. “Luke is bugging you? I’ll get pissed off at him all over again if he is, and then you’ll tell me off.”
“No. Raj is. The guy rubs me the wrong way, but it’s my fault, not his.”
“He does? Weird. I think he’s a sweetheart.”
“You would. He is. I think he’s a fine, upstanding guy. He’s a godsdamned fool, but he can’t help that. Alas, that doesn’t make it easier for me to be able to stand his foolishness.”
“What exactly has he done to upset you so much?”
“It’s not anything he’s done. It’s just the way he carries on. It’s like looking in a distorting mirror, being repulsed, and realizing that the bit that repulses you is one of the bits that came out undistorted.”
Gwen pats his hand. “My love, I’m sure that’s a very clear concept in your beautiful head, but it’s not coming across terribly clearly. Could you perhaps trouble yourself to give us the specifics?”
Asher sighs. “If I must. In case you haven’t noticed, the guy’s got a giant chip on his shoulder. Hell, the thing is so big it should probably be classed as a boulder. He’s convinced that he’s not good enough for his lady love, because he’s never done anything by himself. Everything he has is by virtue of his birth. By the sound of it, he’s managed to accomplish plenty in his life, but whether he would have done so had he not been his father’s son is debatable, at least in his mind. He feels so wretched about it all that I’m nearly tempted to make an exception and feel sorry for him.”
“Even though he’s basically a first classer?”
“Even so.” Asher nods. “I could almost forget the particulars of the situation and empathize with his general feelings on the subject. Almost. Unfortunately, I feel precisely as he does, for the opposite reason.”
“Say what?”
“The guy feels unworthy in general, and unworthy of his lady love in particular. He wishes he could be more of a man, pardon my Terran. I could say ‘more of a person’, but I’m not sure that’d be as accurate. I get that. I feel for him, I really do. Unfortunately, it all brings home the fact that, while he’s suffering because he’s not had to overcome any challenges, I’ve enjoyed a plethora of challenges and I’ve not overcome a damn thing. He feels awful because he’s never had to butter his own bread. Meanwhile, I struggle to keep my family in butter.”
“We have plenty of butter! Quinn, tell him!”
“Pet, I don’t think I’ve ever had real butter.”
Asher gives us both a squeeze. “That was by way of being a metaphor. The point I was trying to make was that I don’t feel terribly good about the way I’m providing for you at the best of times. Having such a spectacular reminder of how other men manage their households shoved in my face is really pissing me off. But I also understand precisely where he’s coming from. I get him. I resent him. I want to buy him a beer, but I’m not sure I could afford it, and round and round I go. Hearing the two of you badmouth someone who’s more like me than I care to admit on top of this was just a bit too much. I’m failing. That makes me feel like a failure.”
“My love, what the hell are you on about?”
Asher sets his jaw. “You should be in a mansion, attended by servants, covered in jewels. Like Alya is. You should spend your days reclining on a sofa with someone feeding you fresh fruit from an actual tree and rubbing your feet. You should have everything you need and want.”
“I have everything I want!”
“You don’t even have everything you need. We’re always struggling, and that’s on me. You married beneath you, I didn’t step up, and I’m letting everybody down.”
“You quit the Academy because of me!”
“That’s debatable. And even if it were true, it doesn’t exonerate me from failing to adequately provide for you ever since. It’s been five years, or near enough, and I’m making no headway.”
“You do realize that you’re making no sense, right? Why are you talking about me as if I were your dependent?”
“You ought to be able to depend on me.” He closes his eyes and breathes deeply a few times. “I should be able to provide for you and the kids. That’s not what I think, but it’s what I feel. I realize that it makes no logical sense, because between the two of us I’m hardly the most capable, but knowing that doesn’t help and none of this is about logic. I realize that it’s unfair on you. I just can’t make it go away.”
“And yet you conveniently leave Quinn out of this whole equation, if I can call it that. Or have you forgotten that you married her, too?”
“Of course I haven’t. Quinn is my best friend and I love her. The two things run in parallel. And maybe it’s because of that, or maybe it’s because we have the same plumbing, which wouldn’t say much about me as a person, but I can love her with all my heart and remain lucid. I can’t do that with you. I look at you in that dress, and every time I’m torn between building you a godsdamned temple, because you ought to be worshipped, and just tearing the damn thing off you and…” He swallows hard. “And at the same time I can’t forget that you’ve had that dress what, five years? You wore that when we married Quinn. And you look too good for words in it, but it’s a five-year-old dress and it gets more faded every time we wash it, and it shouldn’t be like this. Your life shouldn’t be like this. You should have everything. That’s the least you deserve.”
“My love, you’re being irrational. We’re all in this together.”
“No, I’m not, and yes, we may be, but there’s a difference between us.”
“And the difference is?”
“You make the sun come up in the morning. You always have, as long as I’ve known you. I don’t know how it used to come up before you were around. I’m not altogether convinced that it did. I sure didn’t notice it.”
“Now you’re just being silly.”
“I’m being perfectly straight. You make the sun come up. For the longest time, I thought you couldn’t top that, and then you gave us the kids. You plucked two souls right out of the cosmos, put them inside you, and made two people. Quinn and I couldn’t do that.”
“I couldn’t do that without you, either. You do remember that, right?”
“Maybe you couldn’t. I’m not so sure. I’ve never been able to get the process straight in my head.”
“My love, I appreciate that piloting is more an art than a science, but you are aware of the basics of biology.”
“I understand how two people with the appropriate plumbing can make a baby. That’s just a meat issue. What I don’t understand is how anyone can make a person where there wasn’t a person before. That’s magic, for sure. Gwen, none of this matters: you’re the closest thing I have to a religion. That’s how it is. All I ever wanted to do was to prove to you that… No, scrap that. I knew I could never prove to you that I was good enough, because I’m not. It’s no
t humanly possible for anyone to be good enough for you. I just wanted to give you everything, because that’s what you’ve given me. Instead I’ve given you a decrepit home, an even more decrepit ship, a hard life, an uncertain future, and a five-year-old dress.”
Gwen leans over to talk to me, her eyes tearful again.
“Can you talk some sense into him?”
“I’m not sure I can. I mean, I don’t agree with the whole sun thing, but you did make the kids. The two of us wouldn’t have managed that, however hard we tried. The only reason I don’t worship the ground that you walk on is that I don’t get the time. They keep me too damn busy.”
“Why exactly are you guys losing your shit now? We’ve been perfectly happy with how things have been. At least, I thought we were.”
Asher shrugs. “Raj’s fault. I told you. I wish I could give you a quarter of what he gives his missus, and I swear on all the gods that I would never, ever bitch about having the opportunity to do so. I’d suffer in silence like a good daddy’s boy and pile jewels beneath your feet.”
“That would make walking rather difficult.”
“You’d have people to carry you.”
“But I like walking.”
“We could work something out. Maybe they could sweep the ground directly in front of you.”
“My love, I appreciate that your heart is in the right place, but none of your other organs seem to be working, your brain in particular. Have you taken a look at Alya?”
He cringes. “Only when I couldn’t avoid it. I find her somewhat jarring, bless her soul. She wasn’t precisely a laid-back kid, but she had a lot going on back then. We all did. I’d hoped she would mellow with age.”
“Does she seem happy to you?”
“Not overly.”
“So why the hell would you subject me to her life? Maybe she’s got everything anyone could possibly want, but I don’t think she’s even close to getting what she needs. I can’t blame her: I’d feel the same. Living in a mansion would drive me to despair, the only good thing about jewelry is that it’s fun to steal, and I don’t even like butter. It’s slimy. I love our decrepit house and decrepit ship. I love my old dress. I love you, even though your brain occasionally malfunctions. But you’re a big boy, so if you wish to continue to flagellate yourself for failing to impose upon me a life I would detest, that’s your prerogative. I would appreciate it, however, if you did so in your own time. Given that you may be about to leave for a long mission, I was thinking of better ways to spend our time together.”
“Oh. Like what?”
“You appear to be hazy on this, but I made babies by getting the two of you to fuck me senseless for days on end. Babies may no longer be in the cards, but I’d sure appreciate more fucking.”
“You can’t solve all your problems with sex, you know.”
Gwen blinks furiously. “Did I seriously just hear you say that?”
“Well, it’s true.”
“Asher, I don’t have any problems. I’m happy. If I’m ever not happy, you’ll find out. I don’t suffer in silence.”
I nudge him with my elbow. “Dude, she’s right. As I recall, she doesn’t do much in silence.”
He raises an eyebrow at me. That’s more like him, though his eyes are still haunted.
“Are you casting aspersions about milady’s bedroom habits?”
“They’re not aspersions if they’re true.”
He shrugs. “I can’t remember that far back.”
“You can’t remember two days ago?”
“Nope. You’ll have to remind me.”
When we’re all good and done the guys slip quickly into a contented sleep, but I can’t. I feel battered. It’s been too long a day, with too many emotional ups and downs. I know that in a week or a month we’ll be glad that all of this happened, that we had the chance to deal with issues that may otherwise have been left festering. Right now, though, I just wish I could rewind the clock back to the time before the aliens landed.
I want to get back to how I felt yesterday, wholly absorbed by my darlings and my kids. I have this sudden urge to see the kids; I can feel they’re alright, asleep and comfortable, but that’s not the same as seeing them. That’s what I need right now: a shot of normality, a reminder of what really matters.
I thought Luke would be fast asleep by now as it’s so late it’s early, but he’s not. As soon as I creep into the living room I can see the light reflecting in his eyes. He doesn’t look like someone who just woke up, either. He looks like someone too tired, scared, or ill to go to sleep.
I realize that Asher is right: I’ve not looked at the guy properly. Instead, I sensed him, judged him, and filed him. I look at him now; it seems easier in the dim light, less intrusive, less hostile. Given how badly we started out, I feel I need all the help I can get.
I can’t see past those blue eyes, though. They look almost black in the gloom, almost as dark as the shadows around them. Gods, he looks haggard, and it’s not a look that sits well on his face. Asher is thin; Gwen and I gave up a long time ago any hope of keeping any weight on him. He looks healthy with it, though, as if his body was exactly the way it’s supposed to be. Luke looks like he’s been eaten from the inside. I’d missed it because I wasn’t looking. I should be used to Asher being right; it’s hardly a rare event. I think what I’m struggling to get used to is how very wrong I can be.
“I’m sorry to disturb you. I’m just going to check on the kids.”
He nods curtly, and maybe he’s not being rude. Maybe he’s too shy, or tired, or stressed out to speak to me. Maybe he doesn’t feel any better about how we’re getting on than I do. Maybe I shouldn’t stand here like a lummox staring at him.
The kids are all snuggled up. I’m seriously tempted to scoop them up and bring them over to our bedroom, but I know that would result in a night of elbows in the face and knees in the groin. They’re comfortable where they are, anyway, and I don’t have the right to disturb them.
Watching them sleep brings home the reality of our mission: if we go, we could be gone for weeks or months. I’m assuming Alya wouldn't trawl the cosmos indefinitely looking for trouble to deal with, but we don’t know how long we’ll be away for, only that we have to go. I know that the kids will be fine here with Gwen, and that Gwen will be fine here with the kids, but I won’t be here with them. I’m not sure saving a planet is worth this.
5. Luke
I spend much of the night listening to the noises in the house. People breathing, snoring, and farting. Fits of whispering. Muted giggling. The house itself is making noises as it cools and settles. This place feels alive in a way that Raj’s house never seems to manage. I think about my time on our ship, how sanitized and perfect my room is. It doesn’t give me much, but it asks for nothing. It’s easier than being here. It’s horrible, but easier.
When I hear people stirring, I get up and get myself squared off. I’m hoping that Alya and Raj will be up first, though I know it’s mean. She needs her rest if they’re going to attend that assembly later on tonight. I wonder how the hell I’m going to spend the day. Maybe the guys will get busy with Kolya. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll locate my battery compartment and switch myself off until I’m needed again.
When a door opens, it’s the least worst case scenario: Asher. He seems sound, and he doesn’t people me out so much.
“Sorry to wake you.”
“No, I was up.”
“I’m going to get coffee for my sleeping beauties. Care for some?”
“Please.”
“Thairish?”
“Say what?”
“Thai coffee with a dash of Irish whiskey. Thairish. It’s for special occasions. I can use you as an excuse to get the good stuff out.”
“I’ll pass on the whiskey, but thanks.”
He gets on with the coffee-making without any chit-chat. This is not so bad. The coffee isn’t bad either.
Asher looks at me drinking and smiles. “I’m go
ing to return to my nest, if you can cope with being abandoned. I’m going back up tomorrow for another two-day stint. Two days up and one down isn’t the work-life balance I like, but it keeps me out of trouble.”
“Two days? How the hell can you patrol for two days straight?”
“Badly. We take turns napping. It’s not ideal but we’re short-staffed and it saves a ton of fuel, so nobody is complaining. If the kids get up, yell for help. You’ll want to, I promise you. Mattie is not a morning person, thank the gods, but Jojo and the twins take no prisoners.”
It’s not as bad as he described. Everyone gets up at pretty much the same time and the place descends into chaos. All I have to do is stay out of everyone’s way and make trips to the coffee pot. It takes a while for everyone to be fed and watered, by which time they’ve already started talking shop.
Alya is clearly back up to speed, because she’s already trying to reverse-engineer her presentation so she can get the response she wants.
“If the only issue is that taking away two locals is going to impact the community, that should be an easy sale. We just have to demonstrate that the cost-benefit analysis stacks up. Considering the potential costs of ignoring a Fed threat, I can’t see why people would object.”
Gwen purses her lips. “I’m not so sure. Most people here have had enough dealings with Quinn to be sold on your ordinary psi-bilities. Precognition, though, is just odd. Temporal paradoxes, predeterminism… Our lot are not going to embrace that kind of stuff. The real problem is that we’re not aware that we have a problem. We keep pretty close tabs on the Fed and we’ve not picked up anything remotely concerning. The only unusual thing that happened is you lot turning up. We’re asking our people to invest resources into solving a problem we have no evidence for. They’re not going to like that.”
