by Robin Banks
He gets up with a long sigh, kisses her forehead, waves vaguely at me, and walks off, scooping the kids up as he’s going along.
“You didn’t have to banish him.”
“It’s good for him. It gives him something valid to complain about for a few days. And anyway yes, I did. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
She pulls a face at me.
“Seriously. It’s just that seeing Luke like that…”
“Like what?”
“Happy. Bouncing off the walls. Last time I saw him like that, he was sixteen and about to blow his first savings on a sound system. I thought he’d grown out of that kind of high. Now I’m thinking maybe he just wasn’t happy all along, and I was too busy or too selfish to notice it.”
“Why is his happiness your responsibility?”
“Why not?” I hear the answer come out of my mouth before I know what it is. It makes very little sense, but I can’t disagree with it. “I dragged him off to Anteia. He was a bloody kid back then.”
“He could have left if he hated it.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Why?”
“It’s a good enough place. Much better than either of us has a right to. When you know how much things can suck, it’s hard to give up something that doesn’t, even if it’s not the right thing for you.”
“So you’re blaming yourself because his life didn’t suck enough?”
“Maybe. Or because I didn’t make him believe that he had a right to anything better, anything more. Anything different. Because I tried to make him settle. Because I settled.”
Gwen’s face clouds over. “But with you and Raj and the baby…”
“That’s all good. Well, I’m terrified that I’ve made the worst mistake of my life and I’ll be a terrible mother and the kid and Raj will both hate me. What the fuck do I know about kids? But apart from that, it’s fine.”
“And Raj?”
“Ecstatic. I feel awful about that, too.”
“What? Why?”
“We could have done this years ago. He could have been ecstatic all along.”
“Maybe he wouldn’t have been ecstatic back then. And that would have been your fault, too, I’m sure. You’re being absurd, you know that?”
“I’ll add that to the list of failings I need to mull over.”
That makes her grin. “Sounds like a splendid idea. And the pregnancy is going fine? Must be, if they’ve cleared you for space travel.”
“Yeah. Everything is so by-the-book it’d be downright boring were it not happening inside of me. I’m sure I’ll stop looking for the rewind button any day now.”
“Yeah. You’ll start looking for fast forward instead.”
“Gwen, I’m scared shitless.”
“What of?”
“Everything. Dying. Babies erupting out of me. Being responsible for the survival of a person. Being responsible for anything, really. Trying to do things our way in Raj’s house. His family is great, but his brothers have got a zillion kids apiece. At the first sign of difficulty, they’ll take over. Or they won’t, I’ll fail, and they’ll judge me for it.”
“Would they really?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. Probably not. But they do things a certain way, and that’s not how I want to do it. Their idea of solving a problem with a child is to hire an extra nanny. That works for them, but I know that if anyone tries to take my kid off me and farm them out to experts I’ll gut them. I’m going to want to do things differently, and it’s going to be controversial. Particularly when I fuck up, which I almost certainly will. It’s going to suck.”
“So don’t have the baby there.”
“Beg pardon?”
“Don’t go back. Have the baby here. Raj will have plenty of work he can do if this thing with Aiden goes ahead, won’t he?”
“He wants to talk to Asher, too.”
“There you go. Stay here. We ain’t gonna try and tell you how to manage your kid. We haven’t learnt to manage ours yet.”
When I realize that she’s not joking, I feel stunned. No: I feel as if I’ve been stunned for months, and now I’ve just woken up. This would change everything. I love Raj’s family, I really do. But.
This sounds too good to be true. I try to find the ways in which it isn’t.
“I couldn’t take Raj away from his folk. That wouldn’t be right.”
“Luke is your folk. Do your wishes not count?”
“I’ve only got Luke. Raj’s got a whole tribe.”
“Yeah, that’s how family works. Remind me, do you calculate families’ comparative significance by numbers or by total weight? In which case, does Kolya count double?”
“Very funny. Raj’s whole life is on Anteia.”
“It may do him good not to be his father’s son, for a change.”
That makes my head spin. “It probably would. But there are other considerations. Medical care is better over there. No offense.”
“None taken. Facts are facts. They have a much better set-up, I’m sure.”
“I could probably hire a medic. And if I brought some gear over and gifted it to the community…”
“You don’t have to buy your way in, you know?” She’s scowling now.
“We would if we wanted to be a household, though.”
“Oh. Yes, you would.” She grins. “So this is not a no?”
“I’ll speak to Raj about it.”
“Speak to me about what?” Raj pokes his head through the front door. We were so busy talking that I hadn’t heard them arrive.
“Gwen was saying that we could stay on and have the baby here.”
“We could?” His eyes widen.
“Well, yes, if we wanted to. But we’d have to stay here for well over a year. Well, I would, and the baby. You could swan around to your heart’s content.”
“Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“Yes, let’s have the baby here.” He’s nodding so furiously it looks like his head is about to come off.
“What about your folk?”
“They’ve got ships. They can visit us. Alya, are you serious? Don’t tell me we could do this if you don’t mean it.”
“I wouldn’t do that! We can think about it, ok?”
“What’s there to think about?”
Luke, Kolya, and Quinn are standing right behind him. They’re all grinning.
“I’ll think about it. We’ll talk about it.” Their faces drop. “I didn’t say no, ok?” They all smile again.
I turn to Gwen. “This is ridiculous. How do you get any sensible decisions made around here?”
She shrugs. “We don’t. Somehow, it still all works out. There’s something in the Pollux air that causes all males to regress to infancy. It’d be a problem if it wasn’t so damn amusing so much of the time. Useful, too. Watch this.” She turns to them. “Now, you lot, you leave the poor woman alone. She’s had a long trip, she’s in a delicate condition, and you’re harassing her.”
Next thing I know, I’m on Asher’s comfy chair with a cushion under my feet and a cup of tea in my hand. Raj is sitting on the floor beside me, presumably so he can deal with dire emergencies like my tea getting cold, while Luke and Kolya are making dinner. Quinn is reading to the kids. Asher has returned to his role of cushion for Gwen, who looks extremely smug. I can’t blame her. I’ve never been happier in my entire life.
Dinner in this house is always the same: like feeding time at the zoo, if all the animals were put in the same enclosure and the food turned up at random times. It’s loud, it’s messy, and there’s a 50/50 chance that you’ll end up wearing your dinner instead of eating it. I fucking love it.
Asher, Raj, Kolya, and Aiden have bunched up at one end of the table and are busy celebrating with something that’s either moonshine or paint thinner. I can’t tell by the smell and, even if I could, I wouldn’t be brave enough to taste it. Kolya is already hovering on the verge of tears and Raj and Asher are close behi
nd. I’m willing to bet that they’ll be singing before the evening is out. If we’re lucky they may even sing the same song.
Aiden is still relatively sober, though that’s not saying much. He keeps casting wistful glances at Sasha, who keeps pretending she can’t see them. She’s doing a really good job, but my credit’s on the guy. If the Anteian deal goes ahead, there’ll be no practical need for her to fly for a while, and around here babies seem to be contagious.
Gwen, to the other side of me, is keeping an eye on the kids. That’s probably the easiest job going: they’re rather better behaved than the guys and infinitely more focused on their food. Mattie’s left an empty seat for Osh next to her, in case he comes back from his patrol early enough to eat with us. Sasha keeps looking at it and biting her lip. I understand that there’s a need for Osh and his cohort to pull their weight, but it still seems messed up. When I was his age… Nah, let’s not go there.
Luke and Quinn are sitting across from me. Luke is doing his best to distract Mattie, who keeps turning around to look at the door. Despite the chaos I find myself keeping an eye on the party and an eye on Luke. I know he’s a grown man, I know he neither wants nor needs to have me mothering or smothering him, but old habits die hard.
Asher wasn’t wrong about Luke’s appetite. The kid is shoveling food in his mouth like he’s never been fed before. I only realize how worried I’ve been about him when that concern evaporates. The kid is eating, talking, and laughing. Whatever else may be going on, these simple facts take a load off my mind.
We’re about halfway through the meal when it happens for the first time. Luke takes a break from making terrible puns at Mattie, turns back to his food, and freezes with a look of terror in his eyes. Quinn drops Asher mid-sentence and spins around to put a hand on Luke’s shoulder. They stare at each other for a couple of seconds, then Luke takes a deep breath, and when he lets it out he’s back to normal, or near enough. He goes back to joking with Mattie, though he seems to find it harder. Quinn leaves him to it and goes back to talking with the guys, though she leans into him a couple of times. When they’ve both finished eating they hold hands under the table. I think they think they’re being subtle. They’re not.
Luke has the exact same panic reaction a few more times after dinner. Every time it happens, Quinn’s just near enough to reach him without making a fuss. I make a mental note of that, in case Luke’s episodes and Quinn’s proximity are somehow linked, then I realize that Quinn and Luke stay almost always within touching distance. When they’re not, they still keep an eye on each other. I appreciate that they haven’t been together that long, but I think there’s more than young love at play here.
It all seems to work, until it doesn’t. Nothing seems different in how the episode starts: Luke is fine one moment and panicked the next without any trigger I can discern. Quinn’s response is the same, both in kind and in speed. This time, though, Luke doesn’t calm down. Instead he recoils from Quinn and shuts down completely. Quinn looks bereft. Luke slowly drags himself out of whatever headspace he’d fallen into and tries to comfort her, but it only half works. It all looks fucked up from here. They look like two dancers trying to follow their choreography even though one has just broken a leg.
As the evening wears on, things slowly stabilize with them, until they’re almost-but-not-quite back to normal. Luke looks fearful and Quinn looks hurt, but they carry on smiling and chatting as if they were ok. I don’t know whether to be proud of them for trying so hard or frustrated at how little regard they seem to have for their own feelings. Mostly I feel like banging their heads together. I know it’s not my place because they’re both adults, but the kid is the kid, Quinn can be twerpish about some stuff, and I hate to see them hurting.
I want to know what the rest of the family make of this. They must have seen this before. Aiden doesn't know me enough to speak in complete sentences in front of me yet, let alone rat on his friends. I barely know Sasha. Asher and Gwen, though, are both sound, direct, and fiercely invested in Quinn’s happiness. They’re bound to have an opinion about this, and if there’s something I could or should do they’ll tell me.
For now I settle for looking at their reactions. Gwen is entertaining the little ones. She’s not missed a thing, though: I can see her keeping an eye on Luke out of the corner of her eye. She doesn’t look overly concerned, but that could be for the kids’ benefit. Asher is hanging out with us grown-ups and pretty sloshed, but he’s not missed it either. He’s keeping an eye on Quinn and his grin keeps flickering. They carry on as normal, though, so I do too.
In the end it’s Mattie who steps in. She gets off Gwen’s knees, walks over to Luke, whispers something in his ear, and gives him a tight hug. He hugs her back, looking at Quinn over her head, eyes full of fear and longing. Quinn smiles at him though her eyes are filling up. Things get easier from then on. By the time the kids are getting dragged off to bed the two twerps are back to exchanging lovesick glances.
Alas, their wistfulness is for nothing: they are cruelly torn asunder by fate, currently taking the shape of Mattie. Osh isn’t back yet and she is somewhat reluctant to turn in, to put it mildly. Uncle Luke is apparently the only person who could possibly make up for Osh’s absence, so he goes forth to bravely do his duty.
Gwen goes off with the little ones and Aiden and Sasha turn in. I’m positively bushed and the guys are being way too rowdy, so I retreat to Asher’s comfy chair.
Quinn smiles at me very tentatively and comes over. She stands rather formally by my chair, head bowed and hands behind her back.
“Are you here to take him away?” She says it so politely, as if she was asking me if I wanted another cup of tea, but there’s an edge of hysteria to her voice.
“What? No. Why?”
“You’ve seen him. I’ve seen you watching him. He’s not doing well.” Her voice breaks then, but she runs through a couple of breath cycles and gets herself back under control. “He was doing better. Well, he mostly was. He was still having those glitches, but they were happening less often. Then the glitches started to get more intense, and now he’s doing that thing you saw, where he re-glitches, and I can’t help him with the second one. I can’t help him at all.” Her eyes are filling up with tears.
“Come down here. I don’t want to yell at you all the way up there.”
She sits on a cushion by my chair, which puts us almost at eye level. That makes it easier for me to talk to her without shouting but a lot harder to ignore just how upset she is. If she starts crying I will start too, I can just feel it, and that will be too embarrassing for words.
“First of all, there’s no way in hell I would take Luke anywhere against his wishes. He hardly looks as if he’d like to leave, does he?”
“You’ve seen how he gets.”
“I’ve known him since he was sixteen and I’ve never seen him this happy. Not even close. I seriously doubt he was any happier before then. That’s the problem, and you shouldn’t need me telling you that.”
“Being happy is making him glitch like that?”
“Yes. He’s scared of how happy he is. He’s scared that it could all go away. And he’s scared of you most of all, because you could take it all away from him. You’re the lynchpin that holds his happiness together.”
“That makes no sense. How could I take anything from him?”
“You could dump him. He’d lose you, the kids, Gwen and Asher, his home, his position in your household, everything. He’d probably have to leave Pollux altogether. I don’t think he could stay on without you.”
She frowns. “Of course he could. He could find somewhere else to stay in a heartbeat. He works so hard he’s already made a name for himself. Any household would take him in.”
“You really believe that he could stay here and watch you live your life from a distance? Watch your kids grow up and not be a part of their lives? I don’t think so. He loves you, but now he’s fallen in love with your life, too. He’s happy here, and it all
hinges on you loving him back. Of course he’s terrified. I would be, too.”
“Isn’t it the same with you and Raj?” As soon as the words are out of her mouth she slaps a hand over it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have, but it’s true. It’s not quite as intense, though. Much as I love Raj’s family, that’s all they are: his family, which I married into. His nephews are nowhere near to being my kids. Luke’s fallen in love with all of you. You come with some very cute baggage.”
She smiles, even though her eyes are still wet. “I guess I do. That’s why he’s been getting worse? Because there is so much at stake?”
“Doesn’t it strike you as weird that you’re asking me? You’re the one with the psi-bility, and you live with him.”
She looks mortally offended. “I’m not going to snoop around his head if he doesn’t want me to.”
“And that means you can’t talk to him about it either?”
“He doesn’t want to talk about it.” Her eyes get even wetter. “The times I tried to mention it, he glitched really badly.”
“He’s not terribly good at being vulnerable in front of people. He’s doing better than I ever expected, frankly. Quinn, this is going to take time. It might get worse before it gets better. At the moment, he’s relying on you to soothe him. That’s what you do, isn’t it?”
Quinn’s complexion is almost as dark as Raj’s, but somehow you can still tell when she blushes. “Sort of. I just let him know how I feel about him. I don’t try to change anything in his head.”
“And that makes his panic subside, because he knows you love him?”
“Essentially.” Yup: she’s definitely blushing.
“So at the moment he needs you not only because you hold his life together, but also for his emotional stability. I think that’s what’s causing the second glitch: when he realizes what you are doing for him and how hard it would be for him to pull himself out of that hole without your help. It would explain why you can’t soothe him. He’s not comfortable with needing people. He’s going to have to get used to the idea that needing you is safe. That may take a while.”
