by S. M. Smith
“Well, the building should be unlocked, let’s hurry in.” He gives me a warm smile as he opens the door. I take a deep breath and follow him.
I hurry through the door Dad holds open for me to feel the warmth of the building flood my face. Janine must have plugged in her wax warmer, too, because it smells of cinnamon and oatmeal, creating a warm, fuzzy feeling within that causes me to sigh.
I hear humming and that warm, fuzzy feeling betrays me. I don’t have to guess who’s humming the tune of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”. Janine and Stephen come around the corner a second later, both carrying a big box of candles. I lose my breath at the sight of him. In a pair of tailored charcoal-colored slacks with a matching vest, a cranberry dress shirt, and his perfectly-styled golden hair, he looks nothing short of angelic.
“Honey, would you like me to put your coat in my office?” Dad asks, successfully pulling me out of my daze. I slip out of my coat and thank him. I decide not to look up again, because I know if I do, I will lose all ability to function.
“Jessie, dear, would you mind helping Stephen with the last two boxes, please?” Janine asks. For just a split second I think of telling her no, but I don’t want to be rude and I can’t come up with an excuse quickly enough.
“Of course.” I smile at her.
“Thank you, darling,” she says before taking off down the hall in the opposite direction mumbling her task list to herself. Dad has already left for his office and so it’s just Stephen and me, standing awkwardly in the foyer of the church. I still can’t look at him, so I head for the storage room, not saying anything or caring if he follows me.
“Jessie, wait.”
I stop but I keep my eyes focused on the stone floor. He strides up to me and I fold my arms over my chest, determined not to look at him.
“We need to talk. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” he says in a hushed whisper. When I won’t look up at him he reaches for my chin. The memory of his hands on my hips stirs deep inside me and I can’t have him touch me again. I turn away and start walking down the hall again. “Jess, come on. Talk to me.”
I stop, against my better judgment. There is one question that keeps popping up in my mind and I can’t not ask it any longer.
“Why?” I ask, still not looking at him.
“Why?” He pauses as if to think about it. “I was drunk. I wasn’t thinking. It-“ he pauses again and takes a deep breath. “It won’t happen again.”
I know deep down I’m not happy with this response, so I just nod my head and start walking again. He was drunk; he wasn’t thinking. Does that mean he wanted to kiss me and shouldn’t have, or just decided to kiss whoever was under the mistletoe because it was mistletoe, not really caring about the consequences of kissing random people?
“Jessie,” he pleads.
“What?!” I stop, and this time I look at him. His sad eyes break my heart. As frustrated as I am with his response, I don’t like to see him this way. “Listen, let’s just put it behind us. I’m with Caleb still and I don’t want this to come between you and me. Can you do that?” He straightens back up and tries to clear the worry from his face.
“Yes,” he finally says.
“Good. Now, let’s go get those candles then.”
We walk in silence and finish getting out the supplies before everyone starts arriving. As usual, our families take up either side of the entryway to greet everyone and pass out candles. Every few families, I find him watching me and I give him a hopeful smile, but my brain is still running 90 miles an hour.
I try really hard to focus once the service starts, but I don’t hear much of Dad’s sermon. I let Janine sit in between Stephen and me, but I’m not sure half a world would be enough space right now. So many emotions are running through me and I don’t know what to do about any of them. I am mad at Caleb for not trying to understand me, and I want to be mad at Stephen because I think he’s lying to me. I’m scared that things aren’t going to work out with Caleb, and I’m scared that something has fundamentally changed with Stephen that will only intensify the longer we go on pretending that kiss never happened. I’m afraid to leave Caleb because he could be the one for me, but I’m afraid that if he is, I could lose Stephen forever. I really wish my mom were here to help me talk things through, give me a fresh perspective.
All of a sudden, I sense people moving around me and I realize that the lighting of the candles has started, so I reel my focus back in. I watch everyone around me and notice that some families whose candles have all been lit are circling to pray together. Dad is still on stage, so once mine is lit I say mine by myself.
Dear Father, my heart…it hurts. There is so much going on and instead of being able to focus on you and how I can bring your name honor and glory, my head is flooded with confusion and unease. There is a storm brewing in my soul and I need you to calm it. I need your peace and your clarity. Father, forgive me for not making you the center of my life, for trying to take on all this struggle and strife without you. Please take my relationships and do what you will with them. Help me to see what you see and do what you need me to do. Lord, I….
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up. Stephen meets my eyes and mouths “I’m so sorry” to me. I nod to tell him it’s okay, although I’m not sure that it is.
***
When I was younger, on Christmas morning, I would wake up super early all excited to see what Santa brought me, so I’d throw myself out of bed and stampede through the house, nearly waking the dead.
This Christmas morning I wake up super early, much like when I was younger, but it isn’t because I am excited to see what “Santa” has brought me.
I toss again all night, replaying every interaction with Stephen the last few months to see if I can find any reason to believe that his kiss does mean anything to him. Then I replay all my dates with Caleb and how happy I actually am when I am with him. The problem is I can interpret a lot of moments with Stephen to argue that his kiss meant more than he was leading on, and I can also argue that my time with Caleb brings as much confusion and frustration as it does happiness. But at the heart of all my conflicting emotions, which I determined at 4:34 a.m, is a fear that if I break up with Caleb, Stephen won’t be there waiting for me, at least not romantically. When I can’t handle the if/thens that are keeping me from getting any sleep any longer, I give up the fight and head for the kitchen.
I beat Dad to the kitchen so I make coffee, letting the sweet aroma soothe my nerves. A quick glance outside confirms that the weatherman was correct and we got at least four inches of snow overnight. We will need to get out and take care of the animals pretty early to make sure they are warm for the day, so I’m not surprised when Dad makes his way sleepily into the kitchen ten minutes after me.
“Merry Christmas, honey,” he says as he makes his way over to the coffee pot and pours himself a cup.
“Merry Christmas, Daddy.” I smile back at him. I open the container with the gingersnaps and slide it toward him. He smiles happily and takes one as he sits beside me.
“Are you alright this morning?” he asks, before taking a bite of his cookie.
“I think so,” I tell him as I cuff my hands around my cup. The warmth of the mug soothes my insides a little.
“So what’s the plan for today?” I ask trying to change subjects.
“Well, we need to get out and feed and check on the animals. I bet they’re getting a little frosty.” He chuckles at his own joke. “Then we will have to get dinner started pretty quickly. The ham will take a few hours to cook. Then it’s you and me, kid. Enjoying Christmas together.” He looks longingly down at his mug and I know what he’s missing the most. While everyday must be lonely for him, Christmas is probably the worst. I reach over and slip my fingers into his hand and squeeze them tight.
“I love you, Daddy,” I tell him softly.
“I love you too, kid.” No matter how old I get, no matter how many children I will ever have, no matter how big my
family gets, there is nothing better than to have my Dad say those five little words.
***
We get our chores done surprisingly fast, but probably because of how cold it is outside. The weatherman says that the snow should be all gone by Wednesday, but Missouri weather can change at the drop of a hat, so it could last longer or be gone tomorrow. I haven’t decided exactly when I will head back to my apartment, but for now, I’m going to enjoy the warmth and peacefulness of home.
We work well together in the kitchen, getting the ham in the oven quickly and slicing, dicing and setting various sides on the stove to slow cook. It doesn’t take long for us to get dinner cooking before Dad excuses me to go take a shower and clean up. I step into the shower, letting the warm water soak my bones, trying to let all the worries I had let toss and turn me for the last few days wash down the drain. Once I feel like I can breathe again, I turn the water off and grab my towel. My phone rings as I towel off, so I try to hurry to answer it. The caller ID reads Caleb and I feel my heart speed up a notch.
“Hello.”
“Merry Christmas, love,” his husky voice says smoothly.
“Merry Christmas to you, too. How are you?” I ask.
“I’m good, missing you a bit, a little full right now, but we’re having a great time.”
“Aww, I miss you, too. Was dinner a success this year?” I ask playfully, wondering exactly where they ended up dining this year.
“Not exactly. The turkey wasn’t completely charcoal this year and the stuffing wasn’t rock hard, but we still ended up at The Delaunay.” He laughs and my heart feels a little better about letting him go. He sounds happy and I’m glad I didn’t deprive him of that.
“So how was the party? And your dad’s?” he asks.
I tell him about the yellow snowman shirts and how everyone loved the cookies and fudge. I tell him about the snow and getting to help on the farm. But I leave out everything that has to do with Stephen.
“Well it sounds like you’re having a great time, too,” he says contentedly.
“I am. It’s given me time to think and get some perspective.”
“Oh?”
“I have just had a few things on my mind, but the quiet has been helpful.” I smile because talking to him now is helping me to feel better about my decision. “I do have a favor to ask of you though.”
“Anything,” he says reassuringly.
“I need you to look long and hard at your schedule and pick a Saturday or a Sunday to come meet my dad.”
“I can definitely do that,” he says decidedly.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Listen, it’s starting to get pretty late here. I will call you when I get back stateside, okay?”
“Sounds great. Tell your sister Merry Christmas for me.”
“Will do. Goodnight, Jessie.”
“Good night, Caleb.”
I end the call not feeling 100%, but feeling a little bit better.
Chapter Seventeen
“Your dad got you a gun for Christmas?” Caleb asks, almost shocked.
“A Beretta Px4 Storm, yes,” I tell him proudly as the driver takes another right turn. Caleb and I haven’t had the chance to really catch up since we both got back into town, so we use the drive to the New Year’s Eve party Lucas and Shaina are having to catch up as quickly as we can.
“Should I be concerned that he got you a gun the Christmas we started dating?” he asks, half with concern, half-jokingly. I shrug playfully.
“Well he did get me a shotgun the year Jake proposed, so really you shouldn’t be that concerned,” I tease. His eyes bug out of his head at the thought of the arsenal I must have, which causes me to start laughing almost maniacally.
“How did I never know you had a stash of guns lying around?”
“I’m like 007, I have my ways,” I tell him all seductively, which causes him to wrap his arms around me and lay a hungry kiss on my lips.
I pull back laughing at him and he seems totally relaxed at first, but then sobers.
“Okay, but seriously. How many guns do you own?”
I shake my head at him and the fear that is showing on his face.
The car slows to a stop in front of a brightly-lit home with several cars parked out front. The driver opens Caleb’s door and he climbs out before holding his hand out to help me out of the car. The hand I reach out with is adorned by the flashy bracelet he got me for Christmas, which I’ve checked about six times already to make sure I haven’t dinged it up or lost a stone.
Shaina’s party is significantly different from Daphne’s party in that there is nothing homemade here. In fact, I’m rocking a slimming, shimmering black evening gown with a high neck and low back and simple black pointed toe pumps. My hair is pulled to the side, and while in the car, Caleb would periodically lean in to kiss the spot just below my ear, causing every nerve from there down my back to electrify.
“You didn’t answer my question,” he reminds me just before we get to their door.
“Two handguns and a hunting rifle, I tell him, hoping to ease his worry. But apparently I just caused more anxiety because he stiffens up as Lucas answers the door.
“Caleb! Jessie! Welcome!” He steps aside, allowing us to enter. He and Caleb do that handshake/hug thing guys do before Caleb turns to me.
“Lucas, my dear friend, have I introduced you to my girlfriend, Annie Oakley?” he says half sarcastically. Lucas’s eyebrow raises in confusion as I extend my hand out to shake his.
“Long story,” I tell him as he chuckles before kissing my hand.
“Jessie, darling!” Shaina exclaims as she hurries up to us. She’s dazzling in her silver A-line floor-length gown. Her auburn hair is pinned back, but a few stray curls have fallen free around her neck. She grabs me into a tight hug, pulls back to take me in, and then hugs me again. “You look marvelous. How was your Christmas?” she asks as she whisks me away from the boys.
“It was good,” I say as I look back toward the boys, but they have already walked away and I feel like this is déjà vu all over again.
I really wanted to be with Caleb tonight, to be on his arm, and steal his free time. But he is already off, probably talking business with someone way outside of my social class. So I turn back to Shaina and carry on.
“My dad got me a new handgun,” I tell her excitedly. She looks surprised, but then something dawns on her and she looks relaxed again.
“You never cease to amaze me, you know that? I wouldn’t have pictured you as a markswoman, but now that you mention it, I totally see it.” She smiles genuinely and I realize that I have missed her.
“What about you guys? What exotic beach did you camp out on again? You’re glowing by the way,” I tell her as she hands me a glass of champagne.
“Fiji,” she says with the biggest smile and the rambling on starts. I welcome it, not wanting to be mad at Caleb. I really want to try to make us work as much as possible, and that looks like it means letting him use social gatherings for business.
“Ooo ooo ooo! And guess what?!?” she says after a twenty minute description of the overwater bungalow they stayed in. She leans in as if her news is top secret. “You cannot tell anyone. Not even Caleb yet, though I suspect Luc will tell him tonight anyway.”
“Shaina, you’re rambling. What’s the news??” I’m anxious to hear what she has to say. Some scandalous juice about Matt and Alexis or something. She leans in so that she is whispering directly into my ear.
“I’m pregnant,” she says so excitedly.
My immediate thought isn’t pleasant. In fact, right now, the last thing I want to do is stand here listening to her gush about her news. According to my old plan, this was supposed to be my news right about now and it's hard not to feel resentful despite knowing that isn't fair to Shaina. So I put on my most excited smile and give her a big hug, because that’s what good girl friends do. But on the inside a piece of my heart is starting to tear.
“Oh,
Shaina! That is so exciting! Congratulations. I didn’t know you guys were trying.”
“Well, we were but we weren’t.” And she’s off again on another twenty minute explanation of how they were off birth control but they weren’t doing anything special. I don't catch the entire story because I’m trying not to let my face portray the aching in my heart.
I can literally hear my biological clock starting to tick by quickly, and all of a sudden I need some fresh air. Fortunately for me, another couple comes through the door and Shaina needs to excuse herself to play the good hostess. I stand up and look for the door. They have the door to the balcony open so I won’t have to make an excuse. I'm able to slip out without being noticed.
It is unseasonably warm for having had snow a week earlier, but it is still pretty chilly out. I haven’t drank enough champagne to be feeling any effects of the alcohol, so the cool air raises goosebumps on my arms and back. The sky is beautiful, though. The stars are out and shining and the moon illuminates the night.
I let the cool air fill my lungs with a couple of deep breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay. Guilt waves over me as I replay Shaina’s announcement. I know I should have been immediately excited for her, but shock took over first and then grief for the relationship I need to have in order to be in her position. Then about a dozen other emotions flood afterward. In all fairness, I think I am handling the news pretty well.
I don’t want to cry, but I don’t think my body and my heart are on the same page. I wipe the tears away just as soon as I feel them slide down my face and take a couple of deep breaths to try to calm down. I’m not the pity party type so I resolve to suck it all up and figure stuff out now.
I turn to head back inside to see Caleb standing with a few guys who all start laughing at something he says. He continues on without missing a beat and another wave of anger hits me. It is like he doesn’t even realize he has a girlfriend who only knows a few people in this crowd, left to fend for herself…again.
I re-enter the party, deciding I need another drink. Shaina finds me and joins me after I pour myself another glass. I start to offer her a refill, then remember she probably shouldn’t be drinking champagne.
